grief and idea of kids

[redgnome]

My partner lost her mom a few months ago to a longterm disease. I am doing my best to support her during this tough time. Her father had passed away many years ago, which of course compounded these feelings. Any advice about the best way to support her?

 

In addition, I wanted to gain others perspectives about a specific issue. Previous to her mom passing away, my partner had always wanted more children (she has children from a previous marriage). Since her mom passed away, she has really begun to fear how much time she has left, and if she can parent again given the time she has. These questioning feelings have shocked us both. Have any of you experienced a change of heart like this? Is it just the initial panic of goinig through such a life alterning loss? I would appreciate any thoughts or advice.

 

I love my partner dearly and really want to support her the best way I know how...

[Ronni_W]

My sympathies on the loss of your mom-in-law.

 

My first thought was that the most important thing that you can do is to take proper care of yourself...so that you can maintain adequate levels of energy and enthusiasm to be there for her.

You may want to suggest, and offer to accompany her on her first few meetings with, a bereavement support group (check with hospital, funeral home, etc.)

 

Her new-found concerns about becoming a new parent may or may not prove to be permanent -- there just is no accurate way to tell, at this point. Possibly "best" is for both to just acknowledge that the feelings are there, and then "let it go" until she feels she has the energy/spirit to want to look at the subject again.

 

My dad's early death was a big factor in my decision to not have children. People suggested that I would "change my mind"...and yes, the possibility did exist, I suppose. But I felt quite certain that it wouldn't happen -- there was just a 'knowing' about it, even at a very early age.

 

I think if you both can just allow that part of things to "be there" for now, it likely will become clearer for her after the primary grief feelings have had a chance to settle.

 

Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

[quankanne]

my condolences on the passing of your partner's mom.

 

your girl might be having these thoughts and feelings in response to her mom's (and thus, her own) mortality, and babies are a way of ensuring a stake in the future.

 

we've been married forever, and just haven't been able to have kids. The only time I've truly regretted it? When my MiL died, because I realized it was the end of the line for my husband's family – there are no sons to carry on the name.

 

give her time, and keep discussing this with her – it might be that all she needs is to talk her way through the grieving process and the desire to have a child probably will abate.