moimeme Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 A marriage will only succeed if each partner feels that the other person's happiness is as important as his/her own. I see an awful lot of people who get all involved in getting rather than giving. I know a relationship right now in which the woman is constantly on guard looking for things the man does that she doesn't like rather than looking for things to like and admire. I talk to her about her attitude, but I don't think she's going to change. They will break up because she is so involved with her happiness and whether she's getting what she wants that it never crosses her mind to figure out if he is happy or getting what he wants. She is jealous, touchy about everything, and unfair but she has no clue that she is going about this all wrong. There is no thought of sharing or give-and-take. You know you love when you are better because of it. Love doesn't make you fearful and nervous and jealous and selfish. It makes you calm and happy and blessed and generous. Love makes you a loving person. You know you've married the right person when you both feel, year after year, that you are lucky for having found your partner. But that doesn't come unless each of you seek the other's happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
my_mother's_daughter Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 Struck a chord, it's my birthday today, a traditional time for reflection, and I remember when I was younger I was much like the friend you describe. Now I have finally met and share my life with the man of my dreams, and realise that I give where before I used to take, and that I look for the positive instead of seeking the negative. "Nit-picking" is often a solution for insecure people who feel they do not deserve true love. This is a lesson which we all need to learn but many are not given the chance. Good post. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 I know what you mean. A few years ago the daughter of one of my co-workers (Pam) was in high school and dating and Pam used to come in and talk about her daughters boyfriends. She would complain about how this one never gave her daughter any gifts, or she would complain about the kinds of gifts her daughters other bf's would give. Everything was about material things and she taught her daughter to judge her bf's by what they would buy her. I asked her once about what she thought her daughter should do or buy for her bf's and she was simply agast! Why, her daughter doesn't have to buy or do anything! What a message to send. The girl is now in her mid-20's and last I heard was barely making it in college and dropping out, had a miscarriage (maybe an abortion) and didn't have a steady bf. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 i think it's about keeping a good balance between making sure your partner can and is willing to keep up their end of the r/s, and keep up your own end. some people get so busy pleasing their SO, they forget about themselves... ick. 2c, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 sounds like your friend has no clue about the two most important things in a relationship: communication and respect. it makes it hard if you don't have either, and positively horrible if you're missing both! btw, happy birthday, mother's daughter ... Link to post Share on other sites
sunnie23 Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 this post has definately struck me, i'm guilty of everything moimeme mentioned and i hate it. i'm working on giving more and more every day, but it's scary sometimes. i feel vulnerable and afraid of coming off too strong. yes, i know i'm insecure, but i'm working on it...i definately don't want to lose my man!! you're always so helpful moimeme. prolly cause you're a canuck like me. (j/k) Link to post Share on other sites
Dragonflys Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 (1) Your partner gives you the urge to jump on him/her periodically (2) You are comfortable when talking with each other (3) You are comfortable when not talking with each other Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted August 28, 2003 Moderators Share Posted August 28, 2003 Moimeme, You know you love when you are better because of it. Love doesn't make you fearful and nervous and jealous and selfish. It makes you calm and happy and blessed and generous. Love makes you a loving person. You know you've married the right person when you both feel, year after year, that you are lucky for having found your partner. But that doesn't come unless each of you seek the other's happiness Beautifully put. Spectacular way to express such a wonderful idea. Curt Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 it's probably just me, but i love that "him and I versus the world" feeling ~ undoubtedly the result of dating crazed scholars and artists. but i like the sentiment behind it - i value him above others. i like him regardless of how he feels about me, i like him objectively, (as it were) but i won't withstand poor treatment. there is this irish toast that articulates it pretty well: ay! to this man who walks a king among men a man both likeable and like-a-bull let him find a woman to suffer him and make him suffer blissfully. i'm not sure if i got the wording right, but that's the general idea. xox j Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted August 28, 2003 Moderators Share Posted August 28, 2003 ay! to this man who walks a king among men a man both likeable and like-a-bull let him find a woman to suffer him and make him suffer blissfully. THAT is a good 'un. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 YOU WRITE: "A marriage will only succeed if each partner feels that the other person's happiness is as important as his/her own." Oh, how true that is. But how many relationships or marriages are that way? I suppose my perception is warped but I see so many people out to satisfy their own needs and wants while doing the very least possible to get by for their partner. It's absolutely tragic. I think it may be the age in which we live. I don't know. I cease to have any idea what's going on sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
CompletelyLost Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 "A marriage will only succeed if each partner feels that the other person's happiness is as important as his/her own." Very important, and very true - but marriages can fail because of either partner straying too far to either side of that - it is just as easy to fail by placing more importance on your partner as it is by placing more importance on yourself. Just my two cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Helly Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 Thank you for your post, moimeme - I love it - it's a wonderful reminder of what's important! and I think Tony's right that the age we live in may be to blame for people's dis-satisfaction when their SO fails to meet certain superficial, material criteria. However, although it's stating the obvious, I think it's worth pointing out that loveshack may inadvertently give the impression that many of us, these days, are very self-centred and selfish because our posts ask for advice about things which are making us unhappy. Such posts seem to ignore the needs and feelings of our SOs. But that is because it is only one of the people in the relationship who is logging on and, inevitably, that one person is going to give a biased, seemingly selfish description of the relationship. I'm sure in many cases, that one person lives their day to day life with their SO in a far less selfish way. Anyway... Can I also add "respect" - I think that's another important thing - am I right? No matter how close to, loved by and understood by someone I feel, I will always try to have the utmost respect for them as an individual human being. Thanks again for the great post, moimeme! Link to post Share on other sites
Author moimeme Posted August 29, 2003 Author Share Posted August 29, 2003 Well, thank you for the compliments, folks! Very kind of you. Tony, I agree - I really think that the whole 'assertiveness' thing some years ago turned people inward rather than outward. Suddenly, being generous and even sacrificing sometimes turned into 'being a doormat' and made everyone determined to stand up for his or her rights in every situation. At least that's my take on how people have become so self-centred. Helly, I wasn't really remarking on Loveshack or its posters. Really, it was my pondering about my friend's relationship that caused the post. And, really, she is somebody's mother - more than old enough to know better. If you have a moment, ask your favourite Power That Be if s/he/it'll send me a touch of inspiration to maybe help these folks make it. The good thing is that she still listens to me even when I light into her about how she's treating him. Maybe I'm getting through. I agree with what you folks said about respect and 'two against the world' and the like. It's nice to know that not absolutely everyone is wrapped totally up in him/herself Link to post Share on other sites
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