uh...it will be okay.

[dharris27]

so i guess this is rediculous...

 

I haven't posted here forever until just this week. I have dated six or seven people with no success since our one year ago break up. He's been with a girl for roughly ten months who seems sweet but kind of a easy access option rather than a real catch - but that's probably just my evil jealousy genes and i realize sounds mean, i trust that she must be a catch.

 

I broke up with him but in the end he agreed to let me go pretty miserably because he didn't want to make me miserable any more. I just wanted a different kind of relationship and we worked for two years to get there and it really just never happened.

 

That's the gist. The first few months or so, even after he was dating, i was pretty good. We still spoke some times mostly initiated by him.

 

We have almost the exact same friends, who we've managed to leave out of our breakup because we're both pretty private about things.

 

The first time he saw me with this new girl he literally fled the room and the place left her to pay the bill. He has severe social anxiety and i guess he couldn't handle us in the same room

 

We've only spoken once in person and i think he almost vomited afterwards because he ran to the bathroom that was nearly seven months afterwards and the only reason we spoke is because she wasn't around. She is really skeptical of me being around even though at first i tried to make her feel welcomed around me and with my ex, she really didn't want that at all.

 

Last night was the second time i saw him out with a bunch of people we know and she wasn't there - because mostly if i see him he's with her. I waved and he waved. He had sent me a message that said happy birthday a month ago kind of out of no where.

 

Vanessa, the g/f was not there last night and he looked really nervous once i got there. Started pacing and eventually closed his tab and left without seeing our friend's band.

 

I know had she been there he would have had the security to stick around as he usually does when i see them out. While i was there a guy i dated who is now my friend said, man, he must still like you to act like that. And i kind of shrugged it off...but i mean, i wonder.

 

He spent months begging for me back a couple different times leaving me presents and letters and apologies the first year we dated after i broke up with him a couple times - like i said - things just weren't going the way i felt was a healty strong relationship, and once he got caught up in some humilating mess that caused me a lot of pain with one of his exes.

 

I always thought he was amazing and i still do. And he knows that really.

i worked at a radio station - the one he use to work at and today i played his band's music. I had let the other group members know but because it really was his idea for the band so i texted him to let him know. He joked back and we texted back and forth about four times. He said thanks and awesome and thanks for playing it. It was casual.

 

Why the hell did i text him though? So, i told myself i would never text him again after that. That's it. I just find myself wondering if he still like me all the time...i just need to let go of that ego trip. It's easy to want to believe when you've dated so many guys and no one has really worked out.

 

I feel stronger these days than i have ever.