I'm Obsessed With His Ex!

[hotkitten]

Please help me! I'm obsessed with my husband's ex and it's driving me mad!

 

My husband and I have been married for over a year, together nearly three years in total. We were friends for a couple of years before that and he really is the love of my life, our relationship is perfect! The only thing I'd change is the fact that I can't stop comparing myself to the girl he was seeing immediately before we got together. He knows about my obsession and is really supportive, but he doesn't understand it and I don't feel that I can talk to him about it as often as I'd like because I'm ashamed of myself, to be honest!

 

My husband wasn't really in a relationship with this girl, in fact she was actually cheating on him with her boyfriend of the time (who she's still with now). The problem is, obviously I was friends with him at the time he was seeing her so I know how much he liked her and how hurt he was when she decided to go back to her boyfriend rather than be with him. This all happened only about two or three months before we got together and, although I had no romantic interest in him at the time so it didn't bother me then, it bothers me now that it wasn't his choice not to be with her - I feel like I'm second best in a way.

 

To make matters worse, when we first got together he never told me the whole truth about things they did together (just normal day-to-day things) and in some cases even outright lied to me about her. He says he did this to protect me as he wanted our time to be special and he didn't want me to think he'd done those things with her first. I understand where he was coming from but, to me, this was very misguided because it felt like he was lying to protect her memory, that his memories of her were so special he didn't want to share them with me. If he really had no feelings for her anymore, then why lie?

 

Once, at the start of our relationship, he asked me to access his emails for him because he couldn't get to a computer, so he gave me his username and password. When I did this I found an email he'd sent to her just a couple of months before we got together saying how much he loved her and wanted to be with her. He'd used the same language he used with me and even called us the same names. The names that had seemed sweet before but now just seemed tarnished. I'm over that now and know there are only so many lovey dovey names you can use for someone, but at the time it really hurt and made our love seem less special. When I asked him about it he said that he didn't really love her but had thought he did at the time; when we got together he realised what love is and that he'd never felt that strongly for her. I do believe this but I'm just trying to set some background! Also, going through it in my own head helps too!

 

Also at this time I was angry that he could have liked someone who was, in my mind at least, so immoral that she'd cheat on her boyfriend. I questioned constantly how he could ever trust someone like that or want to be with her.

 

It was all these thoughts and feelings that came together and made me want to see this girl, just to see what she was like. I'd seen another of his exes and realised that she really wasn't pretty and she didn't have a life I'd want for myself and certainly not a life that he'd want to be a part of. This had put my curiosity to rest and since then I never think about that woman. Therefore, I thought that if I saw this other girl the same thing would happen and that would be the end of it.

 

I found out where this girl lived and, as it wasn't far from us, I found reason to go past her house occassionally (stalkerish I know, this is why I'm ashamed!) Soon enough I saw her and, though she's not by any means ugly, she's not as attractive as me and doesn't have as good a body as me (I really don't mean to be conceited by saying that but I'm trying to be objective). She even smiled at me like I was some kind of normal passer-by! All in all, I decided, she seemed OK. I could see what he'd seen in her but she wasn't a threat. Like with his other ex, I thought that would put my curiosity to bed. How wrong I was!

 

After this I somehow summonsed up the courage to tell my now husband what I'd done. To my amazement he didn't think I was mad (or, if he did, he didn't say so!) He was actually really great and said that, though he doesn't have any curiosity about my exes, he could see why I might be curious. This made be feel about a million times better and my curiosity did diminish a little, at least for a while.

 

Then something happened completely and utterly by chance, which meant I got to meet the ex in person. This was honestly a totally unexpected shock to me and in no way engineered by myself. In fact, I couldn't have planned it better if I actually had've tried!

 

I won't go into how, but I ended up having to go to this girl's house. I was really nervous at first but we ended up chatting for a couple of hours and after only a short time of us meeting she'd worked out who I was. In fact, she asked if I knew my now husband as she was aware we moved in the same circles, so I couldn't very well deny it! She didn't mention she'd ever been intimate with him and just referred to him as a friend, and throughout our converstaion I didn't let on that I knew who she was. Amazingly enough, we just seemed to click and got on really well! She was lovely! You know those times when you meet some one and think "if things were different we could be friends"? This was one of those times!

 

Since then, however, my obsession with her has gone into overdrive! This was over two years ago now and I can't seem to forget about her and move on. I compare myself to her in every which way possible. I check her Facebook compulsively and look at pictures of her, to see what she looks like now and what type of a life she's leading. The only friend I've told about this thinks it's weird because she thinks it's like I fancy the girl or something! It's not that at all! It's that I want to be just like her! In my head, she has the most amazing life and is way more my husband's "type" than I could ever be.

 

I think if I try to change to be more like her (or at least, how I perceive her to be from the very false world of Facebook) my life will be better and I'll understand why someone as amazing as my husband wants to be with me. As far as I can see it, she's way more intelligent than me, has an amazing job (though mine's not bad, I have to admit) and closer friends. She's even moved away and lives in a place I'd love to live in; it's very cosmopolitan and yet beautiful and whilst where I live is certainly beautiful, it's hardly the most happening city in the world!

 

I now try to emulate this girl as much as possible. I got my hair cut like her, I visit places I know she's been (not that I want to run into her - that thought terrifies me in case she realises I'm obsessed with her!) and I try to dress like her. I even bought the same car she drives, which got my husband and I into debt - I have always wanted a car like that and couldn't believe she'd got it when I hadn't, so when my husband's car stopped moving, instead of doing the right thing and getting him a sensible run-around, I got my dream car - just to be more like her!

 

In my brief moments of rational, logical thought I know I'm being utterly ridiculous. I'm sure her life isn't perfect and I know Facebook is hardly a true representation of someone's life - who puts pictures on there of days when they're sitting at home alone feeling really low?! I've only met her properly once (I've seen her a coupe of times since then, but not really to speak to) and so I'm sure her life is very different from how I've built it up in my head. I also know my husband is married to me, not her, and I'm fairly confident he rarely, if ever, thinks about her.

 

The thing is, my heart is ruling my head and I can't stop myself feeling this way. I wish I could, believe me! I have the most amazing husband, friends and family, and I've just got my dream job (though when that's going to start is anyone's guess). I live in a gorgeous part of the world and I know from what I'm told that I'm pretty. I even know I'm prettier than her, but it doesn't stop me wanting to look like her if I could! Stupid, much?! What I really, really want is to stop trying to live my life as someone else. I want to be able to appreciate what I've got and to be happy just to be me.

 

But that's easier said than done.

[soconfused01]

you seem very rational to me reinterating how you're a special unique person probly won't help.

 

do you really think that if she came to your husband tomorrow and said "take me now, i was wrong, I've only ever loved you, etc" that your husband would drop you?

I know how confusing it can be when your head says "no of course not!" but your heart is scared and doubts him. I don't think anything is going to just snap you of this, I think it's going to take practice not obsessing. busy yourself, make rules not to go to her facebook (stick to it!) avoid temptation, etc

 

ask your husband what you have that she doesn't, that might help

[Chinook]

This...

 

What I really, really want is to stop trying to live my life as someone else. I want to be able to appreciate what I've got and to be happy just to be me.

... is the problem.

 

your issue is not about HER or HIM for that matter. Your issue, is you. Seriously, you need to figure a way to get help with this before he figures it out. On first reading of your post I was about to accuse you of SWF-like tendencies (Single-white female, the film) and I'm not so sure that's not happening. You need to find a way to stop this and now. Imagine how your husband would feel to know that you're practically stalking his ex..? Imagine how he would feel to know that you don't actually trust him in your heart and soul... you're not sure he wouldn't want her if she asked him back..? How would he feel about that..? Face it, you're stalking his past, a past you weren't a part of and never can be. That's the way of relationships. You need to learn a way to deal with this and fast because from experience with a friend, this escalates rather than diminishes if it's not figured out.

[soconfused01]

This...

You need to learn a way to deal with this and fast because from experience with a friend, this escalates rather than diminishes if it's not figured out.

 

 

she knows that, she just doesn't know how, which is why she's here

 

I do agree that the problem here is her lack of self confidence

[melodymatters]

Sorry, in a big rush, but google "retroactive jealousy". Many of us have been there before !

 

Good luck !

 

MM

[hotkitten]

I wanted to thank everyone for their advice. I really appreciate you taking the time out to help me.

 

I'm new to this so not exactly sure how to go back to find out who said what whilst editing this message, so I'm sorry I wan't be able to refer to you all by name.

 

In response to the person who asked how my husband would feel if he knew I was practically stalking his ex, I know exactly how he feels about it because I've told him many times - he's amazingly supportive and just wnts to help me, which I'm so grateful for and I know I'm the luckiest girl alive. He truly is the most wonderful person I've ever met.

 

Once I'd compsed this thread, I emailed it to him (because he was at work at the time, we couldn't speak face-to-face). We have a very, very honest relationship, so I would never try to hide any part of me from him, no matter how hard something is to admite to myself - let alone him - I always do it because, in my mind at least, that's what marriage is all about. "For better and for worse", and all that jazz.

 

This was his reply:

 

 

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[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]Hey you. I'm so glad you wrote everything down, I didn't realise it was still bothering you so much 'cos you don't say anything missus! I truly don't mind talking about it as much or as little as you want/need and you shouldn't feel ashamed of yourself! No-one can help emotions: people we love; people we hate; things we worry about, they're just natural, sometimes unique, physical/chemical reactions we have to certain subjects. [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]I hope you know that the girl I fell madly in love with is you, the real you. I want more than anything for you to be yourself and cut your hair how you want it to be cut, and wear clothes you want to wear. You've got a brilliant dress sense and look gorgeous in everything you wear ;-). If you weren't the most brilliantest person I've ever met, I truly wouldn't have married you, the best times of my life have been when I'm with you, from grand moments like our wedding to the small things like giggling with you snugged up in bed or doing silly dancing in the kitchen !! :-) :-) I'm smiling just thinking about it![/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]You're right in saying that I never think about her, I'm so wrapped up in and enjoying our life together that I have no reason to think about anyone else, as long as you're ok and happy and healthy (and with me!) then I'm happy. I want to help you to get over all this, just tell me what I can do to help and I'll do it. [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]When we're apart I motivate myself to do things. I then enjoy relaxing more whereas when I just mope, the fact that I'm moping makes me feel worse if that makes sense. I think having an interest/hobby/activity that you really enjoy helps as well, if you can think of anything then you know I'm 100% supportive!! I think if you could do the same, I think you'd would stop wishing your life was like someone else's and be happy with it being yours.[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff][/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]I hope all my babbling on makes sense or in some tiny way helps, if not, just think you've passed a few minutes of time reading it anyway![/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]I love you with all my heart, foibles and all :-) [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

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Yup, I'm one lucky girl!

 

I think the simple process of writing down exactly how I feel was, for me, the first important step in being able to overcome my problem. Getting it straight in my head made me differentiate between fact and fiction, which it's not often easy to do when you're alone with only your own, irrational, thoughts for company! It was also very cathartic!

 

When my husband came home from work we discussed what I'm not happy with; why I might feel the need to compare myself with anyone at all, let alone this girl - whether positively or negatively. We went through everything I listed being envious of: where she lives; the fact that she enjoys her job; the fact that she has very close friends and has done for several years, whereas mine are all quite new and I'm not really myself around them yet. What it all boiled down to was that I'm actually jealous of her confidence! That really is the only thing she has that I haven't.

 

When we met, she was very relaxed and easy to talk to - she was funny too and I could see what a good match she'd make for my husband - he has a very good sense of humour and can talk to just about anyone! In comparison, I'd felt awkward and uncomfortable - as I often do around someone new. I found it difficult to talk to her without constantly worrying what she'd think of me and I'm always worried I'm not funny or interesting and that people will get bored of talking to me.

 

Now, even as I type this I know how stupid it would sound to anyone who actually knows me. I'm renowned amongst my colleagues, friends and family for being able to chat to anyone - they all think I'm extremely confident and I've even had complete strangers comment upon my confidence - they've been envious of me, believe it or not! The fact is, for me it's all just an act! I force myself to be like that, but the whole time I feel constantly paranoid about what people think of me. What's to say this other girl's not exactly the same though?! There's no way when she met me she'd have guessed this is how I feel - I hide it well! She even said to my husband after we met how "lovely" she thought I was!

 

I'm jealous of her friendships too. She's known her friends since school and, as such, they're all very close and have a shared history and memories about which to reminisce. Moreover, they're female! As I briefly mentioned earlier, my friends are quite new - I've known them for about a year and, consequently, I'm still a little guarded around them. The reason for this is that my school friends all turned out to be very bitchy, horrible people. Very two-faced and back-stabbing. They constantly criticised each other behind their backs and I deliberately cut them out of my life because I didn't need that kind of friend. If I'm being completely honest, I'd been exactly like them too and I didn't want to be like that anymore. This was a hard thing to do, but often the right thing always is the hardest, isn't it?

 

For several years after this I had only male friends - with males, I found, what you see is what you get and they never seem to have the time nor the inclination to be bitchy! It is only very recently that I have begun to trust girls again - because, as nice as males are, I did crave meaningful female friendship! This girl has that, and I felt like I was mssing out. Now, I'm still slightly guarded amongst my female friends because of my past experiences, but I know with time this will be overcome and soon enough several years will have past and we too will be reminiscing about times gone by! That's just a waiting game, I guess.

 

In fact, what that is, is another confidence issue!

 

So there we have it. This whole process has taught me that I'm only jealous of this girl's confidence. Nothing else! She was the embodiment of all my insecurites and it really could have been anyone confident, except that what made this girl the object of my obsession was her link to my husband and thus was a constant reminder of my perceived failings - he could have so much better, thought I!

 

Now I realise what the underlying problem is, I can do something about it in the long-term. I feel very relieved and, though I can't promise things will get better overnight, I really feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I can't tell you how good this feels after nearly three years of constant paranoia!

 

Now it's just a case of where to begin, so if anyone has any ideas on how I might boost my confidence, your advice will be much appreciated!

 

Thanks again,

 

Me.

[sandrawg]

Wow-I have to say, I felt quite a twinge of jealousy when I read your husband's reply. He is TRULY an amazing man-to actually validate your feelings, and be as supportive as he can be! I'm glad you acknowledge how fortunate you are. Not just men, but PEOPLE, like that are so rare!!

 

I like his suggestion about getting a hobby. I think you need to be distracted from this woman's life. You could also learn a new language, or a new skill...something that might also make you feel better physically, like bellydancing. (Your husband might like it as well!! LOL)

 

I might also suggest therapy. A therapist can help you get to the root of why you seem to want to be more like this woman. Maybe there is something in your past...did other kids taunt you? Did your parents do things to make you feel inadequate? Something to think about.

 

Also, keep in mind that you're only seeing the surface of this woman's life. You don't know what's really going on behind the scenes, nor can you or should you. Maybe she's deeply unhappy but masks it all through her busy active life.

 

The other thing is...she lost your husband, who seems like an amazing guy. So her life can't be THAT great!!

 

Take care and good luck.

[LovieDove24]

Sweetie you seem open and honest enough about how you are feeling in this situation. Now the next step would be to be just as open and honest about it to a therapist. I honestly think your issues are very deep rooted in a lack of self esteem. Don't feel horrible though. All of our lives we have people we look up to. Hell, magazines have made a fortune out of exploiting the lives of the rich and famous. We dont know their lives are so great, we just perceive them to be. However, you yourself have admitted it has turned into an obsession and that is where you have crossed the line. You need to seek help about this or it will continue to consume you. Like Chinook said, this has nothing to do with him or her and EVERYTHING to do with you and your self worth. I wish you the best.

[hollylovely]

Hello-Everything you said about your husbands ex is the same thing I feel. I go by her work and her house and always going on the internet and finding out stuff about her. I want to be just like her. I feel like somethings wrong with me. I am totally obsessed. Her hair & clothes,jewerly, I want to be just like her too. I seem to follow everythings she is doing and would love to know more and more about her than I already know. My husband don't even talk or ever think about her,he hates her but there is just something that has made me so obsessed about her. Do you still obsess over her?

[Nikki Sahagin]

Try to focus on the POSITIVE things that your husband has said. Write down everything that you are jealous of about his ex and then, besides it, write down something positive about you i.e. the ex's hair is nice because....BUT my husband has said that he thinks my hair is beautiful. Therefore for every insecurity you have which is related to her, you can try to counteract it with a positive affirmation about yourself. It's all about training your mind to get rid of the negative, obsessional thoughts and replace them with positive, easy-going ones. Jealousy is a very natural thing and for some of us thinking too much comes naturally and it's a slippery slope to become more obsessional which you have become. Maybe see a therapist?

 

I had a similar thing going with a girl my boyfriend never dated but when we were friend in conversation he said she was the most gorgeous person he'd ever seen. And I had to agree when I saw pictures of her. She was 5'2, dinky and cute, long hair, beautiful face,a model, self-confident, great smile. I felt pretty ****ty in comparison. Until ONE day I saw a photo uploaded of her which she quickly got rid of where she looked LESS than perfect. Hair not looking good, clothes not looking good, face not looking good and I realised, yep even the most gorgeous aren't perfect. That's what it took for me to achknowledge that she's not the super-human goddess I envisioned her to be!