Lauriebell82 Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 My boyfriend brought up something at dinner last night. We are on the road to marriage, and have talked about the possibility of moving to a small town where I grew up in about 4-5 years. (we don't want to raise kids in the city). I have also made it kind of clear (not flat out saying it though) that I would not want to move to another town with him unless we were married. I haven't outright told him that, because I don't want to make him feel pressured or just propose because he wants to move. Anyway, he has suddenly changed last night and suggested that he wants to move sooner. Like within a year or so. I told him that I want to stay at my job for a longer period of time. We also talked about how there wouldn't be as many GOOD job opportunities as there is now. Also he would make less money (we both would), therefore I would not be able to stay home for a few years. I asked him why he wants to move so badly, and he says that it is because he hates the city we live in and wants to move to a smaller town where he knows more people. This plainly means he wants to move closer to his high school friends. I will probably make friends, however I will have to leave the few that I have here behind. He asked me if I could just quit tommorrow and we could just take off and find jobs. I don't know how serious he was, but that's nuts. I'm real torn and confused. Anyone have any input here? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 I totally understand the desire to be in a place where you feel comfortable because you have bonds with people (easier to do in a small town, IMO), but not at the sacrifice of a job you like and that pays well. maybe it's time to hammer out a feasible gameplan, one where y'all meet in the middle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 23, 2008 Author Share Posted October 23, 2008 I totally understand the desire to be in a place where you feel comfortable because you have bonds with people (easier to do in a small town, IMO), but not at the sacrifice of a job you like and that pays well. maybe it's time to hammer out a feasible gameplan, one where y'all meet in the middle. Thanks for your response. I really tried to reason with him, but it just doesn't seem to be working. He says money isn't everything, and yeah he is right, however crappy paying jobs don't pay the bills. And the number #1 reason for divorce is over money. Before I thought we had a good plan..4 years and we'd move which we give me good experience. But we researched jobs and after 4 more years experience we would both only be making less then we do now. I think his reasoning for himself to move (his friends) is all nice and good, however I have no clue where that would leave me. I'm not good at making friends, so while he is off with his freinds, I'm stuck at home? I told him that and he tried to tell me that I would make friends, that I could hang out with him and his friends, ect. I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 I guess the big question is, can you take your work experience to a job in that field when y'all do move? If not, and if you're pulling in a good salary that'll help cushion a move 2-3-4 years down the line, that's another consideration. I'm not good at making friends hmmm ... would it ease your mind to say that sometimes it CAN be easier in a small town, because you find that more people seem to be involved/pitch in because all hands are needed? And that the opportunity for befriending someone is great? However, it also depends on the kind of stuff you're interested in ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 23, 2008 Author Share Posted October 23, 2008 I guess the big question is, can you take your work experience to a job in that field when y'all do move? If not, and if you're pulling in a good salary that'll help cushion a move 2-3-4 years down the line, that's another consideration. I'm not good at making friends hmmm ... would it ease your mind to say that sometimes it CAN be easier in a small town, because you find that more people seem to be involved/pitch in because all hands are needed? And that the opportunity for befriending someone is great? However, it also depends on the kind of stuff you're interested in ... My boyfriend said the exact same thing in regards to making friends. He probably is right. We both can take our job experience to other jobs, he can be an accountant and I can be an addictions counselor. However the salaries/posititions will pay much less. There might not be as much opportunity to advance as well. It's a shame that neither of our jobs have offices anywhere else but here. I guess I just like it here for right now. And I honestly thought he did too. I think this sudden "change of heart" might stem from teh wedding we are going to this weekend. One of his high school freinds is getting married, and all his freinds are in it (including himself). So that might have something to do with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 Once again, you're both solely thinking about yourselves. If you want to make this relationship work, both of you have to be honest in what you want from it, short range and long range. That he doesn't know that you won't move without getting married, makes no sense at all. I agree that you need to find some middle ground. Perhaps there's a small town between the city and the town he wants to move to. This way both of you can still maintain your jobs, or at least you can and he can be close to his friends, since commuting for both would be reasonable. Overall, your b/f is being impulsive and ridiculous. You're also being stubborn in your need to control his friendships that you feel, threaten your relationship. As to whether I would move, no, I would never move to a small town. To another city would be a different story. Small towns don't have the entertainment and conveniences that both myself and the type of SO I would have a relationship with, would enjoy. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 This seems to have come out of left field.. Are you sure this is not a test of how you would react with this scenario presented ? It's a toughie question for sure... I've never been in the boat to have the opportunity to move for a relationship as my business isn't able to be picked up and moved so as long as I own this company I have to be local to it. I have seen friends that do it and I have always thought it was something that women more or less get asked to do more than the men in the relationships.. I'm not sure if that is just the way society has trained our thoughts or if it is generally because of money. I do think you should hammer this out with him and it seems you both are already on the same page as to wanting to move and not raise children in the city so it is the timing that needs to be hammered out... If staying longer is better for your future career then you both should also consider that... Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 Does he like the job he has now? Do you know for certain that you will have jobs if you move? Will you have a place to live that you both like? Is there an ex GF at this wedding? Is he feeling the "need" to be young again? Was the bachelor party with these HS friends? If he wants to be closer to his friends, does that mean HE will go out with these friends, or will the two of you go out with these friends? Is he usually impulsive or does he plan things? Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 He is being selfish here babe and you really do not seem to be on the same page Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 23, 2008 Author Share Posted October 23, 2008 Thanks for the responses, I will try to answer as best I can. TBF: You are right that each of us is thinking about ourselves here. We need to think more about each other to work this out. Also, commuting isn't really an option, see this town is all the way on the other side of the state of PA (it's a huge state), therefore there isn't really any kind of town that we could live in that would be near either place. (without like a 2 hour commute). AC: I have no clue whether this is some test. He has been talking about proposals lately, so maybe that relates to when we would get married/move? I'm going to have to make it more clear that I won't move until we are married, however that may run the risk of pressuring him. James: He hates his current job because of his boss. That may be another reason why he wants to leave. However, he could probably get another job that pays the same here. What gets weirder is he he said that we should move right away and quit our jobs, he suggested we just live off his savings (about 10 grand) while we look for new jobs. And he said we could just get an apartment to live in. No he does not have an ex gf that will be there (his ex's don't know his friend who is getting married) and yes he went to the bachelor party with his high school friends. I overheard him say to his freind once that even when he is married he still plans on having "poker nights" with them. the weird thing is, he usually plans things. He is sooo indecisive that he would NEVER just go out and do something randomly. And moving before even getting a job? That's rediculous, esp. for an accountant! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 23, 2008 Author Share Posted October 23, 2008 He is being selfish here babe and you really do not seem to be on the same page Yeah. Well we were totally on the same page up until he sprung this on me last night. I don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 "were" ain't "are".... I hate to say it, but from what I'm reading (and show me the door by all means) is that he's feeling a bit pressured by things and feels a bit penned in, so he's kinda flexing some psychological muscle to get on top of things. but it sounds as if it's been brewing for a while, in his mind.... he seems to have an answer for everything. he might have 'sprung' it last night, but how long has this been on his mind, I wonder...? Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 Would you move with a SO? LB, Can you afford to live in the community that you are in now on your own? I really don't think you should pressure him to propose, BUT I do think that you should explain that YOU are really not comfortable following him around on a whim. I think, in your circumstances, I would say that I would stay until he had established himself there. You gain some independance in his eyes, which I think maybe you need. I would also encourage him to follow his dreams. While, ofcourse, you persue your own. that he's feeling a bit pressured by things and feels a bit penned in, so he's kinda flexing some psychological muscle to get on top of things. but it sounds as if it's been brewing for a while, in his mind.... I agree with GW on this. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 he hates his job b/c of his boss ... this is a very telling statement. Combine that with an upcoming return to his hometown, where he's got a place he likes, people he likes, well yeah, now it makes sense why he's suggesting y'all pull up states right now and just go to where it's his comfort zone. unfortunately, if he runs now without resolving the situation at work, it's going to set a precedent for whenever he's not happy with job or other situation, and he thinks the right way of handling things is to flee. It doesn't necessarily mean that he's going to be happier in his hometown just becuase it's not where he's at right now, and in the job he's in! Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 I was going to move with my now husband several states away from were I had grown up. Right before we moved though, he proposed and we were married 2 years later. So I don't think its a horrible thing to do Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 I dont agree that you are always on the same page LB, I do think that you are a good couple but I dont think you want the same things at the moment You want to get married and he wants to be closer to his friends ... Neither of you are wrong but you are not on the same page Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 There is too much focus in this relationship about what HE wants, when HE will be ready, what makes HIM happy and so on. Sometimes I worry that you don't voice your needs and desires because you fear rocking the boat and pushing him away LB. I feel like all the interactions between you and your bf have this underlying "be careful, don't have a strong opinion or he won't want to marry you" vibe. He often brings up these hypothetical scenarios and you're forced to answer but he doesn't want you to ever ask any questions or have ideas outside of his comfort zone. Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 Laurie, you both have to be willing to work together to reach some kind of feasible solution. At this point, you are both being a bit selfish. If you are both unwilling to reach a compromise, it does not bode well as far as a marriage is concerned. I personally would not move in with my SO UNTIL we have the wedding. For me, the novelty of being a newly wed couple, living together, means more than cohabiting before marriage. I also wouldn't allow someone else to dictate my mobility (even if it was done diplomatically). I value my future career and wouldn't make rash decisions based on something as seemingly minor as friendships. You can make friends anywhere. Sure, I want to be close to my family and friends. But this doesn't mean I'd let someone else convince me to move soley because he wants to be close to his highschool friends. This, to me, sounds immature and not very well thought out. You need to sit down with him and communicate what you want. Ask him why he's suddenly asking for this. What happened to the 4-year plan? Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 he says that it is because he hates the city we live in and wants to move to a smaller town where he knows more people That dissatisfaction doesn't sound very good. It's different when you both decide that living in a small town would be a good idea, in this case it seems like he is running away. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 I have also made it kind of clear (not flat out saying it though) that I would not want to move to another town with him unless we were married. I haven't outright told him that, because I don't want to make him feel pressured or just propose because he wants to move. IMO, now is the time to be clear. You're in a LTR with marriage on the table. These are big decisions. It's important that the two of you are a team here. How you handle this challenge bodes much for how you will handle your future challenges and, trust me, there will be plenty, and not frat-boy bachelor parties. I'm talking real life challenges. This is a test of communication, perspective and compatibility. I wish you well... Oh, and don't even think (or let him think) about blowing your savings like was suggested while "finding a new job". I slap you Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 24, 2008 Author Share Posted October 24, 2008 Thanks for the responses everyone. You are right Allina, that I do sometimes let him "dictate" the conversation. He is comfortable about talking about moving/future. It is kind of annoying that we can't just have a flat out conversation about marriage/children without it being some hypothetical game. I was discussing this with my friend and she said "Okay, so only when you have a ring on your finger will you be able to discuss a wedding or marriage plans pertaining to the two of you?" The answer is yes I suppose. Regarding the move, we had a talk last night and I told him my feelings regarding this issue. I told him I would not move unless we were married, and that I wanted to stay at my job for 2 more years or so before moving. Then I will have my liscense and some experience under my belt. My bf actually mentioned that I may run into people that I know in the town (some of my old friends are facebook friends) and "network" that way. You were right Ocean when you said he is running away. I think he should just find another job here if he is so dissatisfied with his current one. It's an interesting observation that he finds something wrong with each job he has worked at. When he was an auditor he hated the long hours he worked, now that he is an accountant he hates his boss. I do understand how hard it is to have a boss you don't like, I worked at a job in college where I hated my supervisor. But still, I wonder if he will ever find a job where he is actually happy... Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 ooh, you've got to be really careful about that – if he's always finding fault, you'll be the one having to sacrifice. Like moving just so he can pursue something in a happier environment. Unfortunately, there will never *be* a job that will make someone like that happy. time to tell him to grow up, suck it up and stick it out. His boss might not be there forever if he's good at what he does or this is just a stepping stone for him. Meanwhile, it's not a crime for him to make concessions .... Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 I remember many years ago that my wife had a lady who was going to be her boss. She was terrified of what she might endure...based on other's opinion. After this lady became my wife's boss, my wife and I had many discussion about this lady. "Oh, how bad she was!" After a few months, the thoughts of this lady changed. The next thing I knew this boss was a good boss. What changed? My wife's attitude and understanding of this lady. While there are bad bosses, many more are simply thought of as bad bosses based on our perception of that person. That lady moved on and another one took her place. Eventually my wife changed jobs, too. If my wife had simply left the job at the time the new boss took over, she would have missed out on a pretty good work experience. Leaving town as a way to escape solves nothing, and eliminates a chance for personal growth. From what I have read, your BF is at a place where his current life is unsatisfactory, and his memories of his past are good. So, the solution in his mind is...escape to the past. Unfortunately, this cannot be done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 24, 2008 Author Share Posted October 24, 2008 Thanks, James and quankanne, you both made really good points. My boyfriend hates his boss because he makes obsene jokes and makes fun of all the others who work there in his office. He says he swears a lot and doesn't act very professional. I have told my bf time and time again to just ignore him and not let it get to him. But it does. Sometimes I think my bf sets his standards too high, and can't except that there is fault in others. When we have fights, it's seriously like the world is ending. You are right that he needs to suck it up. I'm getting a little sick of his complaining, especially after I have told him the same thing over and over again. He IS trying to run away, and that's not the answer. I keep telling him that he should either put up with his boss's inappropriateness, or find a new job. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 Now is not the time to be quitting a job, any job for any reason other than illegal or dangerous conditions. That said, I know that a clean break from a place you don't want to be to go to a place you want to be, can be refreshing and invigorating. But I would not impose that kind of a move on another person, especially if they are close to some professional advantage (such as licensing). If you do greenlight a move, make it conditional on what you must have, such as: - A wedding. - Professional licensing. - A job offer in writing and a start date. - A place to live. - Moving expenses. Link to post Share on other sites
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