inlovewithlove Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 My best friend (guy) hooked up with my girlfriend's best friend (girl) about a year ago and they've been a couple ever since. They have a great relationship, and actually moved in together last month to build on a great year. Me and my girlfriend are really happy for them, and it's been kind of cool having good friends to double date with. They seemed like the perfect couple. Anyways, we got a letter from my friend (guy) a few days ago saying that he just got dumped because she found links to a porn site in his browser history. He admits that he watched it, and even admitted that it had happened once before and she busted him for it. He said that she didn't forgive him this time, and that it's over. He's extremely heartbroken, and I feel horrible for him. He's really destroyed. Problem is...my girlfriend thinks that he deserves what he got, and that she has every right to dump him for doing something so disgusting and deceitful. I agree that it's really lame that he did that, and that he even did it after being busted...but is this a fireable offence? Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 it's not the watching porn that was the firing offence, it was the going behind her back and lying about it a second time around. Just my 2p. Link to post Share on other sites
Author inlovewithlove Posted October 23, 2008 Author Share Posted October 23, 2008 it's not the watching porn that was the firing offence, it was the going behind her back and lying about it a second time around. Just my 2p. Yeah...we all agree that that's the real problem. He's agreed to go to councelling, and do whatever it takes...but she's not listening. He's a wreck...I feel so bad for him. He knows he ****ed it all up, but now he can't even make it better. If he actually cheated, then I could see it...but this seems a bit much. She has every right to be pissed, but he's admitted his problem, and wants to get help. Should she give him another chance (knowing full well the next one is strike three)? Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 He should move on and find a girl who likes porn. His life will be much more pleasant. There are a ton of porn threads on this forum and all of them are extremely lengthy and never lead to any real consensus. Feel free to peruse those if you want more info or need something to bore you to sleep. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 Yeah...we all agree that that's the real problem. He's agreed to go to councelling, and do whatever it takes...but she's not listening. He's a wreck...I feel so bad for him. He knows he ****ed it all up, but now he can't even make it better. If he actually cheated, then I could see it...but this seems a bit much. She has every right to be pissed, but he's admitted his problem, and wants to get help. Should she give him another chance (knowing full well the next one is strike three)?Well, if you look at it from her point if view, she already gave him a chance and he did what he did knowing what the consequences would be. He went against what she had asked for him and ignored her. The issue isn't about cheating, it's about boundaries. She laid her boundary out for him very clearly and he broke it. Sorry but I'm like your friend's girl, once that boundary is broken then you're getting into serious trust and respect territory. If I ask someone not to do something which hurts me, I expect that boundary to be paid attention to. Once that boundary is broken, that's a clear signal to me that the person is more than capable of breaking my boundaries and disrespecting me. For me, as soon as that happens, the love dies unfortunately. It can literally be that hurtful and it sounds to me that this is where she's at. Given a bit of time, it might change when she's cooled off... but bearing in mind she's already been here once with him, I wouldn't count on it. Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with porn and a guy viewing it. But I know that some women do and when that is evident and the guy agrees a mutual boundary not to do it, it's not about the porn anymore, it's about respect. He let her down and she's going to find that hard to just let go for a second time. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 He should move on and find a girl who likes porn. His life will be much more pleasant.Agree with that Link to post Share on other sites
Author inlovewithlove Posted October 23, 2008 Author Share Posted October 23, 2008 He should move on and find a girl who likes porn. His life will be much more pleasant. There are a ton of porn threads on this forum and all of them are extremely lengthy and never lead to any real consensus. Feel free to peruse those if you want more info or need something to bore you to sleep. Well, the funny thing about that is that she likes porn, and they watch it together. She thinks that him watching porn on his own means he'll cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author inlovewithlove Posted October 23, 2008 Author Share Posted October 23, 2008 Well, if you look at it from her point if view, she already gave him a chance and he did what he did knowing what the consequences would be. He went against what she had asked for him and ignored her. The issue isn't about cheating, it's about boundaries. She laid her boundary out for him very clearly and he broke it. Sorry but I'm like your friend's girl, once that boundary is broken then you're getting into serious trust and respect territory. If I ask someone not to do something which hurts me, I expect that boundary to be paid attention to. Once that boundary is broken, that's a clear signal to me that the person is more than capable of breaking my boundaries and disrespecting me. For me, as soon as that happens, the love dies unfortunately. It can literally be that hurtful and it sounds to me that this is where she's at. Given a bit of time, it might change when she's cooled off... but bearing in mind she's already been here once with him, I wouldn't count on it. Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with porn and a guy viewing it. But I know that some women do and when that is evident and the guy agrees a mutual boundary not to do it, it's not about the porn anymore, it's about respect. He let her down and she's going to find that hard to just let go for a second time. I hear you on that...she does have a really valid point, and he really messed up. It's just a shame to see a really good relationship die because of this. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 Well, the funny thing about that is that she likes porn, and they watch it together. She thinks that him watching porn on his own means he'll cheat. She sounds uptight then. Do you know if she watches it on her own? Link to post Share on other sites
BrooklynBridge Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 Well, the funny thing about that is that she likes porn, and they watch it together. She thinks that him watching porn on his own means he'll cheat. That's the most flawed logic ever. If anything, it'll cause him to jerkoff and bust a nut. Which could lead to a lack of interest in sex wit her, but I digress. People don't impulsively cheat based on watch some porn, that's ridiculous Link to post Share on other sites
Meet 4 Coffee Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 For her it is a firing offense. She wanted to break up with him because she knew she couldn't be happy with a guy who watched porn and a guy who lied to her. Ya gotta do what makes you happy. Now she can go find a guy who doesn't do porn and doesn't lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author inlovewithlove Posted October 29, 2008 Author Share Posted October 29, 2008 Well, it turned out that she forgave him for it...and they then agreed to actually get a camera and make one. So, he went out to go get one...and while he was out, she went through his computer and found out that he'd sort of hooked up with one of her closest friends a couple of months back through a series of letters. In the letters, he said that he wasn't into it, tried to stop her, but that she just kept at it. He really shut her down, but I guess they kind of groped each other really wasted at a party before he shut it down...but the girlfriend didn't know about it. Needless to say, the porno didn't happen...and it's been a long week of him begging her to take him back, and him saying over and over again that she made all the moves, and he only caved partially once...when he was wasted. The girls aren't friends anymore, and this new drama has totally erased the old one. Seems like watching porn isn't as bad as caving to the advances of a home-wreckin' friend. I feel really bad for them...not a happy place. But, she's thinking of forgiving him...she says she can't live without him. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 Well, the funny thing about that is that she likes porn, and they watch it together. She thinks that him watching porn on his own means he'll cheat. he'd sort of hooked up with one of her closest friends a couple of months back through a series of letters. In the letters, he said that he wasn't into it, tried to stop her, but that she just kept at it. He really shut her down, but I guess they kind of groped each other really wasted at a party before he shut it down...but the girlfriend didn't know about it. he only caved partially once Seems like watching porn isn't as bad as caving to the advances of a home-wreckin' friend. Guess she was right. His inability to respect her requests on the porn issue reflect his inability to remain 100% faithful. He didn't try hard enough to shut anything down. He should have stopped emailing with her as soon as he knew what she was up to - full stop, drop off the face of the earth. Lots of guys are good at just disappearing, why was it so hard for him? And he should not have put himself in a position to be groping anybody. Link to post Share on other sites
Lionblade Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 For her it is a firing offense. She wanted to break up with him because she knew she couldn't be happy with a guy who watched porn and a guy who lied to her. Ya gotta do what makes you happy. Now she can go find a guy who doesn't do porn and doesn't lie. But she herself watches porn and in fact, the OP stated they watch it together. It's only when he watches it without her that she gets upset which is just means insecurity to me. That's got to be the most flawed logic ever. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 I don't see watching porn as being a big deal. My guy watches it, my ex husband used to watch it.... Sometimes we watch it togther- sometimes seperately. Many, many men watch porrn yet still remain faithful well rounded individuals. The groping incident is a seperate issues. I'd be gone so fast if I found that out. If he was prone to cheating- he was going to do it regardless of porn. It's not inspiration to cheat 100% of the time- it's a release. The groping crossed the line- that would be my deal breaker. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 I would have "fired" her for getting upset at me watching porn the first time. Can take a while to find one that has the same values as you. Link to post Share on other sites
electric_sheep Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 Whether something is a "fireable" offense or not is totally up to the person doing the hiring and firing. Apparently it was a big deal to her. Actually, my best guess is that she just wasn't that into the relationship, or else she just enjoys drama. Generally people that are deeply in love make attempts to work on things, and don't just drop someone like a hot skillet over something like this. They reserve that response for something more dramatic, like an affair or something. Sometimes that won't even cause them to give up. So, getting dropped unceremoniously like this is a pretty good indicator of the seriousness of the relationship. Doesn't mean she shouldn't be upset, just that she wouldn't hit the eject button so easily. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 Your friend is not the problem, but the drama queen. Tell your friend to find a girl that won't make a fuzz about it. If I was the g/f then he would get lucky. Link to post Share on other sites
dashing daisy Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 It's just porn. I think most guys watch porn...and as far as I know it doesn't have anything to do with cheating. It's just a release for when your girlfriend isn't around or isn't in the mood. I don't see the big deal with that. The drunk groping is another issue, in which case I understand why she would be a mad. The porn "issue" doesn't really seem like a real issue to me...just a little ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
gopher Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Sounds like a lot of drama and chaos, as someone else mentioned, people can be addicted to that. How was their relationship before the porn incident? Were they always having problems? Also, is your friend still planning on counseling for what he feels is a porn addiction? Link to post Share on other sites
Mahatma Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Watching porn was not this problem. His problem was not being up front with his girlfriend of over a year. If my girlfriend told me now that I could not watch porn, I would not say to her "ok, I wont." Knowing full well that I still would. I would tell her why I felt that kind of request was not fair. His problem was he went behind her back. If they've been dating for over a year, he should be comfortable with talking to her about it. Say I tell my girlfriend to never eat cheese again, and she agrees genuinely, I expect her to uphold that (no matter how absurd). If she does not think she will be able to keep her word, she should be able to stand up for herself. Not to mention this girl gave him 2 chances. Link to post Share on other sites
mr.reverb Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Porn is such a minor offense, I don't even think it should be classified as an offense. Show me one guy who doesn't look at porn and I'll show you a liar. I had a girl that viewed looking at porn comparable to cheating. That's a load of *****. Porn is a natural thing for men and women. My current girl and I will watch it sometimes together. And she sees stuff on my hist on the comp and she could care less. It's not cheating. As far as doing it behind her back.... I disagree with this fact. The original post said he admitted to doing it. He's not going to say, "Hun, I'm gong to go surf for some porn. Be back in a few." He most likely did it when she was out of the house for a bit. I think she needs to grow up and understand it's a part of life and any healthy relationship, or he needs to move on to a girl that is less dramatic. Link to post Share on other sites
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