Female friend is giving me mixed signals

[smithandwestern]

Hey, I need some help with a very confusing female friend of mine. This situation has been going on for the past 5 months and i just want it to come to a conclusion. To sum up the past 4 months. I have fallen for my best friend. she was unsure whether to let us become more than just friends and over those few months she was very on and off. Some days she would be all friendly cuddling and holding hands and kissing etc. And then after a few days she would clamp up and just say she wanted to be friends. Then a few days later would start acting like my gf again.

 

this cycle continued until a few weeks ago. I went over her house then we went to the mall + movies. She acted like my gf the entire time. Then we when got home we got more intimate then we had ever been before. It went on for about 1.5 hours then we had to stop as her parents where coming home. as soon as we stopped she clamped up and wouldnt say what was wrong. We ended up talking later on that night that she didnt feel the "connection" She is BI by the way. I went home very hurt and ended up calling her a few days later telling her how i felt etc. She said she was extremely sorry you get the picture.

 

For the next three weeks we chatted on msn ocasionaly. Then it was her birthday so we went to the movies together. She started acting like my gf again. Linking arms and holding hands hugging me all the time giving me smiles. We flirted alot as well. In the movies she reached across and grabbed my hand in her and didnt let go then she curled up against me. Waiting for the bus ride home she randomly says "your amazing you know that" and then on the bus trip home she sits on my lap even though there are spare seats. Then back at her house watching a movie she curls up on my lap then later she hugs me against her chest and says "i love you". later when i leave she is sad and dispointed that i have to leave.

 

She is giving me all these mixed signals and i dont know what to make of it. Whats harder is the fact that i dont know how to act around her. Should i distance myself and let her come to me or should i act like her bf. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

[Geishawhelk]

Don't distance yourself, but the fact is, I think if she's Bi, she's also maybe a bit confused by her own feelings.

You don't say how old you (both) are, (you sound relatively young, I dunno... could be wrong) but I think right now, you just need to be the best friend to her you can be. But don't hold out any hope, because I think that's the way she sees you, period.

The one thing that would tell you how confused she is, is if you were to tell her you're going to go out and start dating.

She'd know she has no right to protest or stop you, but I think, in her confused state of mind, she'd also be a bit jealous and resentful.

[Trimmer]

I agree with the "she's confused" suggestion above, especially if you guys are young (say, in your teens.)

 

Imagine she's confused about her feelings about relationships (and being bi may only be adding an extra dimension to that.) She needs to explore that to figure it out, and one way is by experience. Her actions with you may be reflective of her experimentation with different behaviors and the results she gets, both in her own feelings and in your own behavior. That's not to say that she's doing it consciously or intentionally; it may be quite the opposite - she may feel like she is being pulled by the tides of her own feelings from moment to moment, day to day.

 

Her comment about how amazing you are may reflect her recognition that she is going through a confusing time, and that you have remained a steady and supportive presence throughout that.

 

Given all that, if your friendship with her is important enough to you, then I wonder if you could open up a dialog with her about this - maybe recognizing that she may be dealing with some confusing feelings right now... However, I would suggest that if she is bouncing back and forth and trying to figure herself out, it may take some time, and even then, she may come down on the side of staying "just friends," so you may do well to prepare yourself for that possibility, and consider whether you could continue in that role.

 

It's a tough spot, especially if your own feelings for her have grown strong.