Emotional Affair! The term alone makes me laugh!

[Sweetheart71]

The term alone makes me laugh! I mean come on people! Hasn't any one ever heard of just being good friends? My biggest problem with all of this is the whole opposite sex thing.

 

My best friend and I confide in each other about everything. We talk about sex and relationships and now we are discuassing "emotional affairs"! How scandalous!?!?!?! But wait.....we are both women! SO does that make us in a lesbian emotional affair! (I think my bf would enjoy that actually)

 

Reality check!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MEN AND WOMEN CAN BE CLOSE FRIENDS! I grew up with mostly guy friends. SOme of my good friends are men! But that does not mean that I am having an affair. Or does it? DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!

[Jamie31]

Well, I think there is a fine line between being good friends and being more than that. It's hard when it's the opposite sex. I truly believe that a man and a woman can be friends and only friends IF they are not physically attracted to one another. If you are attracted to a guy, no matter if you are in a relationship or not, being "just friends" with him is going to be hard, because that attraction will kick in. Trust me! I have been there!!!! It's different with a woman (if you aren't a lesbo or bi). So, as long as you aren't physically attracted to the guy you are friends with then no problem being friends with him. But if you are - stand guard....nature will eventually take it's course.

[Sweetheart71]

Lots of my guy friends are HOT! I would do them in a second if I was not in love! But I am. I am attracted to a lot of people. So is my boyfriend. I even hang out with one of my ex's and it's not a problem.

 

I personally think it's just a term people use as an excuse to wanting to cheat!

[Jamie31]

Well, whatever...people's opinions vary, I guess. I don't feel like debating tonight.

[Jeanie]

Wonderful to hear someone bash this emotional affair bit. I know folks might say I'm involved in one, so my opinion won't count, but that is only one of the friendships I have with men.

 

Whether or not you find them attractive at the outset is meaningless. Getting to know their wonderful qualities can make the homeliest man attractive. Most of my friendships have had that moment where you acknowledge that attraction and consciously choose not to pursue it.

 

I think I got into trouble with my dearest friend because of the unusually close relationship he has developed with my family. We even vacationed at his cabin, with him. Talk about confusing- living for 3 weeks with 2 men you adore- it all seems so natural to love them both. Ideal arrangement for childcare, household chores, etc. I guess I was extrapolating it out to sex.

 

Sanity is returning with the reality of every day life, but I still love both my husband and my friend. I've just got to stick to the choice I made years ago.

[2SidestoStories]

Before my marriage, I had several male friends. Many more than I had female friends, although I did and still do have close girl-friendships with four remarkable women I've known for at least a decade. However, my male friends all seemed to drift off before too long upon meeting my ex-hubby. At first, I did not really chalk it up to a whole lot, because I was in love, and because my life had taken an abruptly different turn from that of any of my friends: I was the first to marry, the first to have a baby, etc.

 

Five years later, and I'm going through a divorce, partly because there was one particular evening about two months ago where I finally said, "Enough is enough! I'm going to do something for ME!" which caused my ex to go literally off the deep end. Oh, and of course, because I had returned to a party that HE was miserable at, I was going back to "pick up some guys." In truth, I met and connected with a fellow who is a friend of a friend, and who has in the past two months become indespensible as a friend. God knows I am in no place to judge the attractiveness of ANY man right now, but I'm thrilled to have found this particular fellow, as well as managing to rekindle my close friendships with my four amazing lady friends. But in my ex's eyes, I was absolutely positively cheating on him with the new guy friend. This on top of all the other controlling/mental 'abuse' (still have a hard time calling it that, even though I recognize that for what happened.) that I'd been put through for five years...it was like this was a concentrated show of my ex's true colors, and so time to get the hell out!

 

In the meantime, some of my formerly close male friends have come out of the woodwork and told me that a major contributor to their departure as my friend was that my ex had made them so ungodly uncomfortable whenever they were around that they just decided to leave. (Women don't seem to mind this posturing nearly as much, although even my girlfriends have said things to that effect.)

 

Emotional affair my ass...if I am having an emotional affair, it's more likely with one of my four closest girlfriends, and god knows there's no attraction there, for my part!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Sweetheart71: Lots of my guy friends are HOT! I would do them in a second if I was not in love!

 

Jeanie: I think I got into trouble with my dearest friend because of the unusually close relationship he has developed with my family. We even vacationed at his cabin, with him. Talk about confusing- living for 3 weeks with 2 men you adore- it all seems so natural to love them both. Ideal arrangement for childcare, household chores, etc. I guess I was extrapolating it out to sex.

 

I can’t help but wonder how “comfortable” your partners would be with your platonic friendships if you were honest enough to say these things to them directly rather than proclaiming your true feelings to strangers on an anonymous forum. If you are keeping these feelings a secret from your partners, then it can only mean that you have something to hide. And if you are “hiding” it, than it can only be because you know down deep inside that it is not as “okay” and innocent as you are trying to convince the world (or yourselves) that it is.

 

So ladies, perhaps your energy would best be spent trying to “prove” your theory rather than debate it. When your partners come home tonight, sit them down and tell them “hey, my guy friends are HOT, and I would do them in a second if I weren’t with you”…OR…"I love and adore both you and your best friend, and I would love it if he moved in with us so that he could help us raise the kids and clean the house. Two husbands are so much better than one.”

 

Then come back here tomorrow and let us all know how it turns out….

[Jeanie]

Oh, dear, my husband is so secure and easy going, he just might go for it. Might. But, you can't unask it if it doesn't go over. Plus, even if we three agreed, I wouldn't put my kids through the ostracism that would surely follow in this small town.

 

More importantly- Be careful what you wish for, you may get what you want. A dreamy vacation is one thing. Day to day reality is another. Its hard enough to keep one man happy and figure out what he's thinking!

[midori]

I don't know if there's a cut-and-dry definition of what an emotional affair is, or if there's a checklist you can run through and accurately assess whether or not you'r engaged in one. But I do think it's a valuable construct to look at one's extra-marital relationships. I think when most people use the term, it's in the sense of an emotionally intimate secondary relationship that threatens the primary relationship, to the point where for all intents and purposes the "secondary" relationship takes precedence over the "primary" one. Very often there is an element of attraction, or it develops even if it wasn't there initially (which is part of the threat to the primary relationship).

 

Obviously one can have opposite-sex friends with whom there is no physcial attraction. And obviously one can have emotionally intimate friendships with people of either sex that don't threaten the relationship.

 

I think the point that the term "emotional affair" tries to highlight is the danger posed to one's primary relationship by nurturing a secondary relationship at the expense of the primary relationship. If, for example, your husband becomes close to a female co-worker (married or single), they could have a supportive friendship that's entirely innocent. But if your husband and his co-worker start spending lots of after-hours time together, in all "innocence" because there's nothing physical going on between them, the time your husband devotes to that friendship would come at the expense of his marriage. And if he shared things with his co-worker that he's not sharing with his wife, especially involving his feelings about his wife and their marriage, he is mis-directing his emotions and energy into the secondary relationship.

 

If it were a same-sex friend instead, a male co-worker with whom your husband spent a lot of timeafter work, and shared a lot of things, there is still a problem about how much of his time and energy he's putting into his marriage. But he's not going to mistake the closeness he feels to his good friend for love. He might say to himself, "Joe knows me a hell of a lot better than my wife does, and to be honest I prefer spending time with Joe than with my wife." But that's not a threat to his marriage, he's not going to leave his wife for Joe.

 

I want to believe that close opposite-sex friendships can exist without threatening either party's primary relationship. There's no reason why, in theory, they can't. But I think a lot of people forget that while their male or female coworker or friend might be wonderfully sympathetic and understanding, they are no substitute for their partner, because there are no obligations between the two of them. It's a lot easier to be generous, empathetic, and kind when no one expects you to, and when the things you're being so generous and understanding about dont' really affect your life.

 

Part of the problem with "emotional affairs" is that they foster a sense of intimacy between two people, without the little hassles that a committed life together entails. It's great to have someone who understands you that you can confide in, but if that person has no real obligations to you, nor you to them, then the relationship only goes so far. Emotional affairs threaten primary relationships because they are unencumbered by small resentments and problems that are inevitable when you make a life together.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Jeanie,

 

This is an honest-to-goodness question, and not meant to be sarcastic at all. I’m just innately curious to learn other peoples’ perspectives on issues like this only as a means to challenge my own. (It’s just an inherent part of my nature.) Unfortunately, I have yet to be presented with enough solid evidence or fact to make me change my own opinions, no matter how narrow-minded they may seem to others. In fact, I’ve always been given feedback to support the conclusions I have come to.

 

My question is:

 

It seems that you have been given unconditional trust by your husband. You equate this to him being “secure” and “easy-going.” Do you find this to be a “strength” in his character…his unconditional trust an act of respect that you feel you must continue to prove yourself worthy of?

 

Or do you view it as a potential weakness, an opportunity waiting to be taken advantage of? Do take his unconditional trust for granted sometimes, and find yourself fantasizing about using the opportunity to sneak off with another lover…or even deluding yourself into thinking he’s actually giving you “permission” to be with someone else??

 

Your quote from a previous post:

 

I, too am attracted to another man, and its driving me nuts. I am married to my soul mate. I love him dearly, but there are some gaps. He rarely wants to have sex, and then only if he's had something to drink. I am working on this problem. He also trusts me to the point of ignoring me sometimes. He has said many times that there is nothing I could do that would make him leave me. It feels like permission sometimes, but I've never out and out asked for it.

 

Jeanie, by your own admission above, I think you WANT your husband to give a d*mn…And that “unconditional trust” you equate with “security” is not making you as “happy” as you’d like everyone to think.

 

Please give me something….ANYTHING…that will change my mind and prevent me from being so worried about what you might really be thinking and feeling.

[EnigmaXOXO]

So well said, Midori!

 

I continue to return to these threads HOPING to once hear someone say: "I have a platonic friendship with someone of the opposite sex, and the thought of boinking them makes me ill because they are more like a sister or brother to me."

 

If someone could honestly come here and say that, I'd be willing to throw in my towel!

[2SidestoStories]

Enigma, guess what? I have a completley platonic friendship with a male that actually developed out of what we thought was a major attraction to each other way back in high school. In NO way would I ever consider....<shudder>....No WAY. Maybe that's unfair though because HE has propositioned such things in the past to my utter dismay. In the past few years, though, we have grown to recognize one another as great people with whom we enjoy spending time debating and talking, and leaving the friendship at that. He's fabulous, but nobody I would EVER get involved with.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Not yet 2Sides! (ha ha)

 

Maybe that's unfair though because HE has propositioned such things in the past to my utter dismay.

 

If you think for one second your friend wouldn't take advantage of the opportunity if it should ever present itself, you're giving him more credit than he deserves.

 

Don't believe me?...Then just ask him!

[Jeanie]

Enigma- Thats a good question. Most of the time, I feel like its his great character. Sometimes I feel like its just a decision he made long ago and its just easier not to make any waves about it now. Sometimes I strive to live up to his faith, sometimes it just pisses me off- how casual and off hand he can be about something that is so precious to me.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I can certainly understand what you must be feeling, Jeanie.

 

I tried to put myself in your situation. How would I feel if my partner ever suggested that I take up with his best friend should anything ever happen to him?

 

Even if the comment was off-handed, I can honestly say I would be terribly hurt. To think, for just a moment, that he would consider me a piece of property...an asset to be divvied up and distributed among friends and family as part of his last will and testament. I would feel that he didn't love me enough to cherish me, whether or he saw his intentions as being in my best interest or not. I would think "how dare you!"

 

I don't consider my partner jealous or controlling. And I don't mind that his trust is not unconditional. I enjoy showing him how much he means to me by going over and beyond his expectations and proving how much I love him every day and how worthy I am of his trust. But he is also willing to meet me half way and never expects any more from me than he is willing to give himself. But I also think it is easier on us as a couple than most because we share similar values and ideals.

 

And in retrospect, I honestly don't miss spending time with my old male buddies (he even asked me this the other day) because I get everything I need from him. I guess this is why I consider it a "compromise" on my part rather than a sacrifice.

[HokeyReligions]

"Emotional" affair - well, midori said pretty much what I would have said.

 

I have a male friend. We used to work together. I am married, he is single. We got along great! In fact, our friendship sparked some stupid rumors around the office of an AFFAIR!

 

When someone came to my desk and saw the two of us talking, they told us what the rumor was. We stared at her like she was nuts! Then we looked at each other and laughed and I said that he was the little brother I never got to murder!

 

He has a hard time finding girlfriends and talks openly about going to hookers for his needs. I think he would fall for the first girl who batted an eye at him - except for me. Romance, sex, attraction, whatever you want to call it, it's just not there for us and yet we are good friends. He will put his arm around me if we are walking downtown at night - like a big brother would - to protect me and I think that's sweet. He'll stand there with his arm around my shoulders as my husband pulls up to pick me up. My husband doesn't mind at all and is happy to see that someone else will "watch out for me" (not that I need watching out for) and yes, we actually have talked about a sexual relationship with each other. He blushed, said, sorry, but as horny and lonly as he is, he just couldn't do that with me for several reasons - he thinks of me as a sister, and I'm married and knowing that is like a big "off" switch in his libido anyway.

 

As for taking up with a friend after a spouse passes - my husband and I have had that talk. He said he hopes that if I don't find anyone on my own, that I will go to his best friend. We have a lot in common, but I can't see us ever married and loving each other. I can see us leaning on each other in our grief. Again, I'm not offended or angry because I understand that this comes from a desire to not leave me and to make sure that I'm not totally alone after he's gone. its not at all an "ownership" issue - it is love and caring about me. if I had a girl friend that was close to both of us I might say the same to them.

[Jeanie]

Yes, that "if anything happens to me" was not offensive, just weird. The very thing that can be so charming can drive you nuts. My husband can be a bit obtuse about someone I'm a bit too close to, but at least I can share a sandwich with a friend without him blowing a gasket!

 

I don't know if talking it out with you all has helped or not, but I do feel better about the situation and better able to keep my priorities straight. Thanks.

[Been there]

I think an emmotional affair is any relationship you have where you will not tell your spouse about. If you are meeting someone and have strrong feelings but no sex and partner does not know about it that is a emotional affair, and beware it will lead to other things just a matter of time.

[moimeme]

He blushed, said, sorry, but as horny and lonly as he is, he just couldn't do that with me for several reasons - he thinks of me as a sister, and I'm married and knowing that is like a big "off" switch in his libido anyway.

 

Please submit this man to whatever local cloning program may exist. His genes need to be spread bigtime

[disgrl]

as someone who recently found out about what think "doesn't count" as an affair, thanks a lot for adding to my pain. what is an emotional affair? just because they didn't have sex doesn't make it okay. for instance, i found out about my husband's "freind" through an email saying how much she missed him. a few hours later came "i need you, i need you next to me, i need to hear your voice". this was so "okay" that they hid their relationship (and yes, despite the fact that there was no sex, YET, it most certainly was an obviously intimate relationship). this was so okay that they used code words to hide their relationship, having a good laugh about it at my expence when i almost found out about it a few weeks ago.

 

an emotional affair is real. and painful. if he had just screwed her once it would hurt, but nothing compared to knowing he sought out the love of someone else.

 

i have plenty of male friends, and i don't have an intimate relationship with a single one. he had plenty of female friends, and this was clearly not just a friend.

 

think before you say something that minimizes the significance of someone else's pain. i'm hoping you were just thoughtlessly talking about people who complain there spouses have friends of the opposite sex, but sex alone doesn't make an affair.

[Fraggles]

Originally posted by disgrl

as someone who recently found out about what think "doesn't count" as an affair, thanks a lot for adding to my pain. what is an emotional affair? just because they didn't have sex doesn't make it okay. for instance, i found out about my husband's "freind" through an email saying how much she missed him. a few hours later came "i need you, i need you next to me, i need to hear your voice". this was so "okay" that they hid their relationship (and yes, despite the fact that there was no sex, YET, it most certainly was an obviously intimate relationship). this was so okay that they used code words to hide their relationship, having a good laugh about it at my expence when i almost found out about it a few weeks ago.

 

an emotional affair is real. and painful. if he had just screwed her once it would hurt, but nothing compared to knowing he sought out the love of someone else.

 

disgrl,

I am going through the same thing...found out hubby was "dating" (as I like to call it) six weeks ago. no sex, but TONS of text messages on cell phone and plenty of sneaking around & lying to me....if that is does not count as an AFFAIR then I don't know what does. real, painful and devastating...it is all relative.

[another]

Sweetheart,

 

Of course the term "emotional affair" makes you laugh - you are not even married. You are not committed to anyone. When you are dating people you are searching...and there's always the chance someone better will come along..."someone you would do in a second".

 

Six months ago I never heard of an EA and I might have scoffed at the idea. But I can tell you from experience it hurts incredibly when your wife is in love with someone else, when the are totally obsessed and regret marrying you, even though you believed you were an excellent provider and had a good marriage. It completely crushes your spirit no matter how strong a man you are. At a certain point, it doesn't matter if there was sex or not...because emotional connections are far more important to (most) women than physical ones.

 

So when you are older, married, and regularly getting wrapped with other men - trampling on your husband's heart and making him die inside - maybe it will come around to you.

[another]

Hokey,

 

and yes, we actually have talked about a sexual relationship with each other. He blushed, said, sorry, but as horny and lonly as he is, he just couldn't do that with me for several reasons - he thinks of me as a sister, and I'm married and knowing that is like a big "off" switch in his libido anyway.

 

Did you ask this guy if he thought of you sexually, or did he ask you? Either way, you husband doesn't know about that does he? How would you feel if you husband was having conversations like that with other women?

 

By the way, none of us - who are healthy normal males - have an "off" switch. We have morals and make conscious efforts to stick to them, or ignore them.

 

This is just a message board and you of course can't give the whole story. So I might be wrong about this. But it's interesting because what you describe is a text-book case of how affairs get off and running.

 

Just a wild guess: your husband doesn't know the extent to which you confide in this guy...he doesn't know that you two have talked about sex (however innocent or playful that conversation was). You've probably told your husband innocent little "white lies" to protect your "friendship" and also to protect your husband's ego...

 

Because nothing's "going on", there's no reason to make your husband worry. Better to not mention the little details that might upset him for no good reason. In any event, you are totally entitled to this unique, very fulfilling, and totally innocent friendship. Ring a bell?

 

My guess is that if your husband had the chance to be a fly on the wall when you are alone with your buddy, he'd probably be really, really shocked.

 

Affairs happen in baby steps…and most (~80%) start off as friendships at work. The affair partners justify each and every little step, always at the start with "we're just really good friends". At some point they get so wrapped up emotionally that physical boundaries and morals just melt away…they just don’t apply to the "special" situation the partners have.

 

Before people truly experience infidelity in their marriages they are totally naïve about it. It's easy to judge others and think that it will never affect you. But 60-80% of marriages are affected by it. After you experience it you will have been totally torn down to the core and maybe, after a great deal of pain, be rebuilt.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Just found this...thought those of you wondering about emotional affairs would want to check it out...

 

http://women.msn.com/106091.armx

[steveb]

I'm sending a copy of that one to my wife.