What are you willing to give up?

[nysugarlips]

What are you willing to give up for your partner?

What are you not?

 

Ive been seeing this guy for six mos. Things are moving fast and going good. He works close by and we see each other often. Things are getting serious but there are some issues:

 

He asked that I cut down on my girls night out which is 4 times a month. He asked me to do it once, maybe twice. his reason, I shouldnt be out with my single friends looking for guys. Though we do dinners at various places and Im content with him.

 

He has boys night about twice a month.

He and I are together about 3-4 days a week.

 

I made him breakfast a few months back. he doesnt like eggs. Hates the smell and everything to do with them. He has actually said that I am not allowed to eat them if Im going to see him and its a no no for the times we sleep over each others' apartment.

 

While Im open to views and opinions he doesnt believe in Religion, church or a higher being, I do. I was raised Catholic, baptized and still go to mass.

( Im a seasonal Catholic , but thats another thread)

 

LS what do you think?

[Geishawhelk]

Well, it's a toughie....

But my mum taught me one thing that I value a great deal and have never forgotten:

 

"In matters of taste, swim with the current.

In matters of Principle, stand like a rock."

 

So maybe the eggs make him nauseaous, and he really can't stomach the smell... a friend of mine is the same with cottage cheese. if anyone is eating it, she has to leave the room, it makes her retch and gag. It's just the way she is, and she won't allow her hubby (who absolutely loves it!!) to bring it into the house!

Seriously! he has it in his packed lunch and he has a small fridge in the garage where he keeps it!

 

but these nights out?

He sounds insecure.

So he's cruising for gals when he goes out with the boys does he?

Well it's sauce for the goose, and sauce for the gander....

I like that he's trying to restrict you to twice a month... like, going out for only 2 evenings you won't meet anyone, whereas if you go out 4 times, you will... what makes you immune to meeting guys, by reducing it to 2 nights?

 

(I know you're not even looking at other guys, I'm just looking at it from his illogical angle!)

 

 

Bit controlling, I think....

[lkjh]

I understood what he was saying about the nights out because it is disrespectful if you are going out with girls who are looking for guys. The eggs part is crazy, he can't tell you what to eat. The religion part is big, if you two stick together and have kids would you want to raise them as catholic?

[popey]

I'm kinda more w/ Geish.

 

Eggs: Some people really do have an aversion to the sight/smell of a particular food. Its just the eggs right? Is restricting your egg consumption to times when your not with him, worth more to you than his comfort?

 

girls night out: if you were going out w/ a bunch of players whose whole night always revolve around targeting and picking up guys, well i think it could be reasonable for someone to find this a way he doesn't really want his gf spending her time weekly. but if your going to dinner, then I don't see how the frequency should be an issue unless he is not getting as much time w/ you as he wants b/c of it.

 

Religion: is the issue that he wants you to give up your belief and/or practice? or that you don't know if someone w/o religion is what you want for a partner?

[Walk]

I agree with Geish too.

 

I was trying to see the going out with the girls from his view... and maybe the once a week outing might be a tad more then some people would feel happy with.

 

But....

 

What would concern me most is the fact that he said he felt you were "looking for guys" while out with your friends. IMO, his comment tells me he has low self-esteem, he's passive aggresively attempting to guilt you into distancing yourself from your friends, and he's doing so in a controlling manner.

 

The egg issue... someone not liking a particular food is understandable. I don't like hashbrowns but my H does... we never have them though because I don't like them. However, I found the way in which your bf decided to approach the subject was... rather demeaning. He didn't even discuss it with you. He didn't give you a reason. He didn't ask how you felt about it, or explain his reasons for not wanting eggs around him at all. He simply stated how things would be and dismissed your thoughts and feelings on the matter. That's not very conducive to a strong relationship... in fact, it accomplishes exactly the opposite of that.

 

Overall, either issue could be shrugged off. Together... it starts to hint at some bigger issues lying dormant under the surface.

 

Oh, and your original question about what a person is willing to give up. I will only give up something if something is given in return. It doesn't have to be big, but if someone is asking me to give up something that makes me happy, and they aren't willing to give the same in return then what they are asking for is unfair. I'm not looking for an equal return really, more of an action on their part that will allow me to let go of any animosity that may stem from having something I enjoy taken away from me.

 

If what I'm doing is hurting my partner but I enjoy doing it (i.e. out with friends 2 times a week) then maybe the issue isn't about what I need to give up to make him happy, but whether our beliefs and morals are the same. Or even if our lifestyles are compatible at that point.

 

My H is very supportive of me spending time with friends or family anytime I want. But we have an understanding that if either of us needs to infringe on the time we spend doing our own thing outside of the relationship, then we schedule "us" time... i.e. we make a date to spend x evening (an evening neither of us have prior engagments planned) at home together. That way neither of us have to "give up" something we enjoy, and we feel more connected. Maybe you could suggest something like that to your bf? Its about quality rather then quantity.

 

But if you start giving things up that you enjoy simply because he doesn't enjoy the same things as you do, then eventually you'll start to feel resentful. Which will harm your relationship. And I seriously doubt your bf wants that because it'll probably mean that you will boot him and find another guy who will embrace the things you enjoy without feeling threatened by it.