jasminetea Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 I need to preface this by saying I seem to come across really negatively on Internet forums, so sorry in advance for any offence or irritation Right, now the issue - I have a truly amazing partner. He's a genuinely good guy, I don't feel good enough for him and I feel it's spoiling our relationship. I'd like to change. The background - we've both had serious relationships and we've both been quite badly hurt, although in very different ways. I think my negative experiences have helped me recognise when a relationship is good and to appreciate a good guy. However, I'm very reactionary and I tend to overreact when something happens that I don't like. And I don't like much stuff, which is crazy as far as he's concerned - he's just wonderful I need some serious therapy, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 I need some serious therapy, right? Right! It's really not good enough to just "apologize in advance", and to just know that you are reactionary and that you don't like much stuff. The work your therapist will help you with is about changing your ineffective, non-productive behaviours that are off-putting, and negatively impacting your ability to be in relationship with others. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jasminetea Posted October 24, 2008 Author Share Posted October 24, 2008 Right! It's really not good enough to just "apologize in advance", and to just know that you are reactionary and that you don't like much stuff. The work your therapist will help you with is about changing your ineffective, non-productive behaviours that are off-putting, and negatively impacting your ability to be in relationship with others. I'm sorry! I've not been clear on what I meant when I apologised in my first post. I was apologising to everyone here for being irritating etc. I come across very badly on forums - as I've obviously proved with my first post! I'm bothered about the way I'm reactionary with things that happen in my 'real' life, I guess normally things that are connected with my partner. I'm sorry I didn't make it clear. Also, you seem to be saying that you think I'm being dismissive of my bad attributes. I'm not, I'd really like to find a way to combat them. An example - I've done some CBT and I'd like to find others who've used it and used it effectively who could advise me on it more? Anyway, to reiterate (and hopefully be clearer!) 1) I'm sorry if I irritate 'you' - the forum user - I'm not great at expressing myself on the Internet and I'll do my utmost to be better. 2) I'd like to feel better about myself as I think my partner deserves far better than me. 2.a) I think I'm not good enough for my partner as I am very quick to react to negative things and I often react badly. Lastly (phew! I hear you cry ) thank you for any assistance you can offer me, even if it is to just advise me to go to a therapist Link to post Share on other sites
popey Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 Well if I'm understanding correctly, you do not like your behavior when you are presented with something that you perceive to be negative. You feel that your SO deserves someone who does not behave this way, thus someone better than you. What is acceptable or not for your SO is not your judgement to make right? So remove that from the outline of the problem. That leaves you with: you are engaging in behavior that YOU are dissatisfied with. If you cannot accomplish modifying this on your own, then why wouldn't you give therapy a shot? Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 Read up on how to communicate better in relationships. That really helped me. I dug through every article I could find on the internet about how people's emotional issues come out and measures to take to alter how we express those emotions. For instance, I get really defensive when crticized, so I found several articles on different ways to kind of beat down that natural urge to immediately jump into defense mode. Some worked, some didn't... I ended up using a combination of things that fit my personality better. If you're really serious about changing, the best way to start is by learning everything you can on healthy ways to express your feelings, and destructive tendencies. The more you know then the more prepared you'll be in handling situations that bring the negative tendencies out. 2) I'd like to feel better about myself as I think my partner deserves far better than me. 2.a) I think I'm not good enough for my partner as I am very quick to react to negative things and I often react badly. Lastly (phew! I hear you cry ) thank you for any assistance you can offer me, even if it is to just advise me to go to a therapist It's kind of hard to offer advice that will really help much without knowing more detail. When you say you react to negative things, what type of things are you talking about? What is your idea of "react badly"? I'd like to know what thoughts and feelings are going through your head right before you "react to negative things", and also during? Like, if you think back to the last time this happened... what were you thinking and feeling and what happened? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jasminetea Posted October 25, 2008 Author Share Posted October 25, 2008 Well if I'm understanding correctly, you do not like your behavior when you are presented with something that you perceive to be negative. You feel that your SO deserves someone who does not behave this way, thus someone better than you. Yes! You got it. Thank you. It feels good to be understood What is acceptable or not for your SO is not your judgement to make right? So remove that from the outline of the problem. That leaves you with: you are engaging in behavior that YOU are dissatisfied with. If you cannot accomplish modifying this on your own, then why wouldn't you give therapy a shot? I never thought of it like that. Gosh, I need to explore that. I would love to go to therapy but I just can't afford the £40 a session it will take at the moment. I know it sounds paltry, but every spare pound is accounted for at the moment. However, nothing to say that won't change after Christmas! Fingers crossed. But I'd like something to be going on with in the meantime. I should've explained that at the beginning. Read up on how to communicate better in relationships. That really helped me. I dug through every article I could find on the internet about how people's emotional issues come out and measures to take to alter how we express those emotions. For instance, I get really defensive when crticized, so I found several articles on different ways to kind of beat down that natural urge to immediately jump into defense mode. Some worked, some didn't... I ended up using a combination of things that fit my personality better. Thank you Walk, that sounds good. I get really defensive too, so that's completely relevant to me. If you're really serious about changing, the best way to start is by learning everything you can on healthy ways to express your feelings, and destructive tendencies. The more you know then the more prepared you'll be in handling situations that bring the negative tendencies out. It's kind of hard to offer advice that will really help much without knowing more detail. When you say you react to negative things, what type of things are you talking about? What is your idea of "react badly"? I'd like to know what thoughts and feelings are going through your head right before you "react to negative things", and also during? Like, if you think back to the last time this happened... what were you thinking and feeling and what happened? Fear is the major feeling. For instance I received an unexpected bill the other day and I immediately felt angry and shouted at my partner because he wasn't giving me the support I thought I wanted; "That's awful, darling, bloody company, don't worry" blah blah. He was logical and gave me good advice, but it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted reassurance it'd all be ok and then a discussion on how to make it so. I calmed myself down pretty quick and thought about what it was that made me angry. It was partly the feeling that I wasn't in control but it was mainly the feeling that I'd not be able to pay the bill so I'd end up on a blacklist then lose my flat (I live with my partner, but have my own place) and then be thought badly of by my (and his) friends and family and finally end up losing him and never be loved/end up alone, dead and cold being eaten by an Alsatian kind of thing. <roll_eyes> I'm constantly thinking I have to get a grip, but when it comes to it, there is not one part of my brain that's in control and able to stop me from letting loose until it's too late. Anyway, thanks for reading (wine and chocolate if you got to the end!) and thanks for the advice, I will now crack on with the research, but any further advice is still very welcome Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I will now crack on with the research, but any further advice is still very welcome http://www.coping.org/ has good resources under the 'Adults' Tool Box'. Also this one: http://eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm For low-cost therapy, check with local university or psychotherapy training institutions -- their grad students usually must do internships, and those sessions are generally offered at much-reduced rates (sometimes free.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author jasminetea Posted October 26, 2008 Author Share Posted October 26, 2008 Thanks for that Ronni, that first link looks excellent! I'm not sure I want a student practising on me to tell the truth. Actually I'm not sure if that's even possible where I live... Anyway, thanks again, I'll certainly bear it in mind Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 26, 2008 Share Posted October 26, 2008 I'm not sure I want a student practising on me to tell the truth. Yeah, I do understand that. It's not unlike intern medical doctors in hospital emerg -- just with them, we generally don't know if they are interns or not. The psychotherapy grad students will also have completed all the 'theory' and are well supervised -- the uni/college has to make sure of that in order to minimize their own liability. It's just another option to consider if it sounds worthwhile at some point in the future...and if there are relevant training facilities in your area, of course. In the meantime, I do wish you great success in achieving the goals you've set for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 26, 2008 Share Posted October 26, 2008 Do you TELL your bf that you think you're not good enough for him? I hope not, because that is so off-putting. When a person hears their lover thinks they aren't good enough, they don't know if you don't love them as much as they love you and are thinking they deserve someone who will love them like that. Or, they get irritated at your constantly being insecure and start thinking maybe you're right and they really could do better. So, if you say that to him constantly, stop saying it. He cares for you, and presumably, he's of sound mind and body, so find a way to accept and internalize that he loves you for who you are, idiosyncrasies and all. Most people learn to take very large problems and break them down into smaller, more manageable pieces and tackle those one at a time. You, on the other hand, take a small thing (overdue bill or whatever) and turn it into death by Alsatians. That is panic, and perhaps you can learn, over time, to take things as they are rather than imagining the 70 different things that could happen to make things worse. Focus only on the relatively small problem before you and fixing it, not what else could happen but probably won't. Learn how to communicate! Your bf doesn't know that you need support first (there, there, it will be ok) and discussion of options, rather than trying to jump in and fix it for you. Guys are fixers, and if they see a problem, they give you the logical advice that they think will help solve it. So help him understand what you need, AND don't snap at him or resent him for HIS reactions to an immediate problem! I understand how you feel. I have an issue in handling disappointment, and often my first reaction is anger even though the underlying issue is something else entirely. It takes a lifetime to control unhealthy behaviors in ourselves, but awareness is the first thing, then taking a moment or two to overcome the fight or flight response, and then learning to more calmly communicate how you feel. If you feel a bad reaction to something coming along, take yourself out of it until you have better control of your emotions and can think more logically about it. Put the bill down and deal with it after dinner when you are calmer. Easier to say than do, but very, very important to get straight. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
popey Posted October 26, 2008 Share Posted October 26, 2008 Jasmine, I think I understand what you're talking about with the unexpected bill example. You get the bill. It adds to your already feeling that you are on the verge of failure w/ the basic tasks of life. This causes a variety of negative feelings including feeling down on yourself. Then when you react in the way you dislike, that adds to these feelings too. What you want from your bf at this moment is validation of your feelings, emotional support and listening first. Instead, he jumps right in to solve the problem... which maybe makes you feel like he is only further illustrating how easy it is to deal w/ something that makes you feel overwhelmed?... which in that state may translate in your mind to - wtf is wrong w/ me?! As Norajane said, and in fact, you already seem to understand; he doesn't know that he's not responding with what you need. So then what you are feeling is not irrational (disappointment that your emotional needs were not met). Your reaction is the irrational part, and wether or not you've discussed this with your bf is highly relevant to what your choices are. I think its important to give yourself some breaks sometimes though. You have acknowledged that YOU have a problem to work on. You've begun to identify it. You are talking with folks about it, and plan to do some reading on techniques to work on it. That's some great work to start, and a lot more than many people bother to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jasminetea Posted October 27, 2008 Author Share Posted October 27, 2008 Oh thank you, thank you, thank you. You guys are brilliant. Norajane, I'm really conscious of not putting myself down all the time to him. I apologise for my behaviour and he's very good at identifying that Im' feeling insecure and accepting it. However, I know his generousity can't last (and nor should it). And you are so right about me overdramatising stuff and needing to concentrate on the actual truth rather than making my own hysterical version up. Damned Alsations are NOT going to get me It seems a really stupid question, but how can I take that moment or two to overcome the fight or flight response? Have you found anything that works for you? It seems like the same principle that Caesar (Dog Whisperer) uses with a troublesome dog - changing the mindset, the focus. I'm not sure how to do that to myself. Popey, you've got it totally. What you say about it adding to the feeling I'm a failure is sooooo right, I hadn't been able to identify it myself but now you have for me I feel liberated. I shall discuss what you've described with him later, thank you so much! All - I'm so grateful. I've been struggling with this for far too long and its been a vicious circle of feeling rubbish and then even more rubbish for feeling rubbish. I feel much more able to break that cycle and take on the life's work. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 how can I take that moment or two to overcome the fight or flight response? Here is one technique that may work for you -- but, if it doesn't, no need to feel discouraged because there are others out there that you can try. http://www.richbits.com/RBArchives/45sRB_powerpause.htm Part 2 of that article is here: http://www.richbits.com/RBArchives/46sRB_ppprt2.htm The most important ingredients for success are: awareness, determination and practice, practice, practice...you already appear to have the awareness and determination, so you're already 67% there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jasminetea Posted October 27, 2008 Author Share Posted October 27, 2008 Oooo! That's great Ronnie. Thank you. I shall start practising. And thank you for the encouragement also, its very much appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 Jasmine I am EXACTLY the same as you so I can fully understand where you are coming from. Feeling this way can make your life a living hell and severely impact what should be our closest most rewarding relationships by making us feel that what we are feeling/thinking is so irrational and beyond sense that we can't even express it to our partners. Just like you, I react CRAZILY to small things but i've recognised to myself they attach to larger issues such as fears regarding trust, abadonment, being hurt and my own self-esteem issues. I think it's hard for a woman (and ever increasingly men nowadays) to not have esteem issues when the media constantly throws images of pefection at us NORMAL, irrational, problem plagued, imperfect members of the human race, making us feel if we don't learn to sort it out and become 'perfect' then the person we love can always find one of these legendary women we read about that will. The truth is, there is NO such thing. All of us, men and women have our problems, faults and imperfections. Even if you feel you aren't good enough for him, even if you feel the perfect woman who is 'better than you' will come around and sweep him off his feet - she will reveal herself to have her own worries, doubts, flaws etc. I think the hardest thing is achknowledging your own flaws, recognising them truly and then ACCEPTING THEM. Change the things that NEED to be changed but for the most part accept this is just you. Some things about us are hardwired in our nature. For some reason some of us are just the worriers, the perfectionists, the clingers, the list goes on. We can't all be easy-going butterflies! Just know there are others who feel exactly the same and we have these moments that are such challenges! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jasminetea Posted November 3, 2008 Author Share Posted November 3, 2008 Nikki, thank you so much. Yes, it does help to know I'm the only one. I'm working really hard on the techniques suggested in this thread and I feel it's going ok. A lifetimes work starts here Link to post Share on other sites
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