He went back to his Wife... What am I doing?!?

[Karma101]

I apologize for such a long post. I realize that they can be tedious and hard to follow, but I am in a dark place right now and desperately need some solid advice/insight. I have begun to type out this 'update' to my story no less than 10 times, only to erase it out of fear, judgement, shame, etc.

 

I have been divorced for almost a year now and was separated for quite some time before my divorce became final. It was THE most toxic/unhealthy relationship that you could possibly imagine. Last December I met a wonderful man. When we met, he had been physically separated from his wife for about 6 months. He has been married for almost 20 years and has 3 wonderful teenage children. His wife had an affair. After failed marriage counseling/etc., and her refusal to end the affair, he finally left their home. His wife continued her relationship with her BF/OM. His pain was evident, and understandable. He absolutely owned up to his part in the deteroration of their marriage prior to her infidelity. We took things slow. Very slow. We dated casually for a few months. Our relationship developed naturally and, when we were both ready, finally became exclusive. I met his children and spent quite a bit of time with them during his scheduled visitation. They were very accepting of me and seemed to be adjusting to their parents pending divorce as well as one could hope. I was beyond happy. Finally after such a miserable relationship/marriage, I felt like I had met someone who was everything I could hope for. He was taking the necessary steps as required by our state to file for divorce. We made 'future' plans together, and by that I mean concerts, a trip, vacation, etc. (NOT marriage). I was cautiously optimistic. I had every reason to believe that he would be divorced by the end of this year, as did he. During this time, his wife continued in her own relationship with her BF/OM who is quite a bit younger than her (20 years younger). She knew about me. She saw us together a couple of times, but seemed completely unphased. During their separation, she never showed any interest in reconciling. Their contact was obviously strained and at times barely civil.

 

One week before their scheduled divorce mediation, his wife abruptly broke up with her BF/OM and decided she wanted to work on their marriage. No one seemed more surprised than my BF/her H. After thinking things over for a few days, he decided he needed to give his marriage another chance. I was obviously devastated, but understood his reasoning and wished him well. I questioned her sudden change of heart (by this time, they had been physically separated for over a year)...was it fear of being alone, financial, seeing him happy with someone else, realizing he seemed to be serious about moving on and finalizing the divorce, etc. Nonetheless, there was nothing I could do but back away. And that was my sincere intention. That was about 6 weeks ago.

 

We have maintained constant contact since his decision to reconcile. Usually daily. They still have not moved back in together, though they do see each other frequently. As per him, and the fact that he lives right down the street from me, they have not spent the night together yet. There have been several physical encounters between us as well. Our conversations range from casual to emotional with a lot of discussion about our feelings/relationship to flirty banter. There are still a lot of I love you's / I miss you's / etc. on both of our parts. Neither one of us is letting go. We really don't discuss his reconciliation, unless initiated by him. All he has said is that it is hard, very challenging. He did say that his wife claims to have no contact with her xBF/xOM since her decision to end the relationship.

 

I am hurt, confused and very conflicted. I am human. My feelings are very real. While I realize he was legally married when we met, I had every reason to believe that he was going to be divorced. I realize now that the door to reconciliation was probably always open in his mind, he just never thought she would actually come through it.

 

I don't know what he's doing. I don't know what I'm doing. If you asked me what I am getting out of our "current" situation, I would say minimal. Still having him in my life to some degree, I guess. Our "relationship", however, gave me everything that I needed and is what I am still clinging to. I try not to analyze his decision to go back to his wife (and take it personally) as I realize it is complicated with many contributing factors, but it's hard when he constantly tells me that he has been happier with me than he's been in years, how compatible we are, etc. Then again, I am also a bit taken back that someone who seemingly wants to save his marriage is risking everything by having an affair with his xGF. I don't know if this is some form of revenge against his wife for her own affair or if he's just keeping his 'options' open in the event that their reconciliation does not work out. My gut tells me that his reconciliation is even harder than he may have imagined. He seemed more optimistic in the beginning. I find myself dwelling on whether it will work out between them. Would I take him back? In a minute. Stupid? Maybe. I feel confident in saying that had he actually gotten divorced, we would have most definitely had a 'future' together. We both have acknowledged this fact many times. If only...

 

I am deeply saddened and ashamed of my part in this affair. And yes, I know that is exactly what it has become. It all seems like such cruel irony after such an emotionally grueling marriage of my own. I just want to be happy. I try to get mad. I tell myself that I am merely his 2nd choice, an option he's keeping on the back burner. It works, briefly. But then my mind wanders back to when it was "us"... I guess I'm still in a bit of disbelief by the sudden turn of events. I feel like the rug was pulled out from underneath me. To go from such a wonderful relationship to this is almost more than I can bear...

[lkjh]

I don't think you were the OW, his wife left him and then he started dating. Hes going back because its his family not because he is choosing her over you. She seems pretty horrible actually. Don't give into an affair because that would make you the OW. Hold yourself in a higher regard.

[bentnotbroken]

To point out the obvious is that he was still married and you were the ow and having an affair. What seems to be the consensus is that if they are emotionally separated, then it will lead to divorce all the time. Not true. There is a chance of reconciliation, whether for the children or for the marriage. They were still legally married.

[Lookingforward]

To point out the obvious is that he was still married and you were the ow and having an affair. What seems to be the consensus is that if they are emotionally separated, then it will lead to divorce all the time. Not true. There is a chance of reconciliation, whether for the children or for the marriage. They were still legally married.

 

Why is it you insist on calling it an "affair" when there is nothing secret about it. Yes, technically married, but legally separated and dating openly is not the same thing as sneaking around behind the back of the spouse you're still living with.

 

That said, I would never, ever date a "separated" man again......... even if they'd been separated for a decade.

[mrmatt]

I'm so sorry

 

This stuff does seem to absolutely tear our hearts out. It makes me wonder what it is in us that keeps us driving toward something out minds tell us is a bad idea. I'm doing the same thing, holding out hope for my woman to leave her H.

 

I hate it, but our hearts desire for even the smallest moments of happiness.

 

I'm all for family, and trying to fix things. However, after all the events that occurred in my marriage (she had an affair), I truly believe that the majority of marriages don't survive an affair. I believe that people *try* to reconcile, but from my experience, the cheater becomes a prisoner while the betrayed has to become a warden. Even when the betrayed is not a warden, then that person is constantly wondering and mistrusting.

 

Not everyone is a textbook case, but my gut tells me he won't stick with the reconcile. I think men bolt after affairs more often than women. Again, this is all from my own personal observations, not from statistical evidence. FWIW, I was part of a infidelity support group local in my area. I have been part of the group for the past year. Most of the time, I was the ONLY man in the group. All the others usually came for one or two meetings, and divorced their unfaithful wives.

[stillafool]

I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. I can't understand why your bf wants to give this cheater another chance. I can tell you if you want him back you have to go NC on him and make him honor his decision. This will give him time to miss you and what he gave up to go back to his whore. I don't think he was fair to you. And yes the only reason she wanted him back was because she felt her "sure thang" moving away from her and she wanted to put a stop to it. Her kids probably told her what a nice person you are also. What a bitoch!

[Karma101]

Yes, the kids did tell her a bit about me. After seeing me, she did make snide comments to him to the effect, "She's cute. You guys look happy together." I do believe that if he had NOT been involved in a serious relationship and had NOT actually filed paperwork to finalize the divorce, she would not have suddenly decided she wanted to save her marriage. Not yet anyway.

 

We have talked about "why" he went back to her. Twenty years of history (obviously not all bad), his kids (he has been devastated by being only a part-time parent, though they are older), obviously still having strong feelings for her, etc. I'm sure there is a bit of pride and ego there as well with regard to "getting his wife back". As I said, I am sure his reasons are many. I am somewhat surprised that he took her back so quickly, but I am more than a bit biased!

 

I do know that NC is the answer. Not only to heal my own broken heart, but also give him the opportunity to actually miss me and what we had, and more importantly, truly understand what his current relationship can be with his wife. Obviously it will be different. Maybe better, maybe not.

[pelicanpreacher]

As a man I'd say you should completely step out of this relationship until he gets his head straight about who he wants to be with and what he's going to do. By continuing a relationship with him during the midst of his reconcilliation with his wife you've made it easy and comfortable for him to sit on the fence forever. Consider yourself lucky he showed you his true colors now for, even if he did proceed with the divorce, the mere fact of the matter is that with the slightest tug at his heartstrings his wife was able to tumble him home after a full year's separation due to her own and ongoing affair. This should tell you to stop listening to his words of endearment and begin focusing on his actions instead.

 

You really don't want to live with that kind of uncertainty hanging over your head throughout your future relationship do you? As a matter of fact, I'm beginning to wonder whether you got the full story of what really occured in their marriage so that you can make a rational assessment of whether this guy is truly the right man for you!

[norajane]

Having been separated and divorced yourself, I'm sure you understand the difficult emotions and thoughts and decisions involved when ending a relationship. You went through all that before you met this guy, so you were ready for a relationship.

 

Separated people are not DONE yet, both legally and emotionally. He clearly isn't done with his marriage. You wisely said NC is your best bet here. He's nowhere near ready to be in a relationship with you, and really gets no closer to that while you are still in his life while he is supposedly working on his marriage.

 

Step back and do the hard work to detach from him. Maybe he'll stay with his wife, maybe they'll divorce. Either way, you should not be putting your own life on hold waiting for their marriage to fall apart so you can be happy.

[wildsoul]

I do know that NC is the answer. Not only to heal my own broken heart, but also give him the opportunity to actually miss me and what we had, and more importantly, truly understand what his current relationship can be with his wife. Obviously it will be different. Maybe better, maybe not.

Wise words.

 

My heart goes out to you! It's a tough situation and even though it's a known risk to date a seperated man, I can see how you got gobsmacked by this one. I wouldn't spend time judging yourself though. Or him for that matter. You didn't start out as an OW, and it's not too late to start the trend of that going on now.

 

Put the relationship on hold. Tell him you refuse to be in an affair, but that you will consider dating him again after his divorce. At this point, that really seems to be your only option.

[Karma101]

you should not be putting your own life on hold waiting for their marriage to fall apart so you can be happy.

 

I would not say I am hoping that their marriage will fall apart so that I can be happy. I am not THAT twisted. I do not want to be the reason that their reconciliation does not work. I understand that he would probably only end up resenting me. Believe it or not, I am deeply in love with this man. As much as it hurts, I only want him to be happy, even if it is not with me. I KNOW that I have to get out of THEIR marriage and let nature take its course. Some things, desite reason, are easier said than done. I am getting closer though. I really am.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. I can't understand why your bf wants to give this cheater another chance. I can tell you if you want him back you have to go NC on him and make him honor his decision. This will give him time to miss you and what he gave up to go back to his whore. I don't think he was fair to you. And yes the only reason she wanted him back was because she felt her "sure thang" moving away from her and she wanted to put a stop to it. Her kids probably told her what a nice person you are also. What a bitoch!

 

 

Two cheaters. He and she. They deserve each other.

[ss5725]

Wow, your story is so similar to mine, I understand the heartache you are feeling right now. Do not give in to the temptation to be the OW, and go completely no contact with him. I am so angry and hurt that my separated man reconciled with his wife, because it made me feel like the OW somehow when I thought I was dating someone who was available. I have completely withdrawn from my situation, it hurts like hell everyday, I miss him so much. But I also know that his marriage needs to end without me influencing any of it. If we are meant to be together we will be, and the same can be said for you. Let him go for now, you will respect yourself so much more.

[norajane]

I would not say I am hoping that their marriage will fall apart so that I can be happy. I am not THAT twisted. I do not want to be the reason that their reconciliation does not work. I understand that he would probably only end up resenting me. Believe it or not, I am deeply in love with this man. As much as it hurts, I only want him to be happy, even if it is not with me. I KNOW that I have to get out of THEIR marriage and let nature take its course. Some things, desite reason, are easier said than done. I am getting closer though. I really am.

 

I'm sorry, I didn't say hoping...I said waiting. I think there's a difference.

 

While you remain in contact with him, your feelings for him stay fresh and intense, and you are, for all intents and purposes, waiting to see what happens with his marriage.

 

Only detaching yourself from him will give you the kind of love you want in your life.

[carhill]

OP, help your guy do right by himself. IMO, he wants to leave no stone unturned. He has three teenage daughters at home and they're on his mind, even if his W isn't. Do your NC and leave him be for now. He knows where to find you when he's ready for the kind of R you want to have. Look at it this way. If he does divorce his W after turning over this stone, chances are far greater of finality in the part of him that really matters to your future together, that being his spirit and emotional center. No piece of paper can ever decide that. I wish you well

[simplegirl]

I was in this situation a few years ago. They were sep for a year, she had a bf but after she found out he was seeing me and happy things changed. A few months later she wanted to reconcile. He felt he had to because of the kids (he had the kids though) and she got herself into some trouble and left without a place to stay. He let her move in and then 3 weeks later said she wanted to reconcile and he needed to try again. We cut off contact. I would send an email sometimes just to say hi but he would never respond (we were friends for years before we dated). About 7 months later he showed up at my house saying that she was moving out again. We talked for a few weeks then suddenly he was gone again. A year later he emailed me that he was divorced and wanted to see me. We went out a few times but I just can't find that spark again. I'm not sure if it's me or him or just that things changed with everything that happened. I was so in love with him and now I feel nothing.

 

I left him alone when he made the decision to reconcile because I did not want to contribute to any reason why they didn't work out. When I was married we sep and he started seeing someone, he wanted to reconcile and I agreed but the gf would not go away. She fought and fought and I just didn't have the energy for her. I am now resentful of her even though our marriage was in trouble before she came along. I didn't want that to be me.

[carhill]

I was so in love with him and now I feel nothing.

 

That's the path. It's a confluence of actions and feelings and decisions that are focused into that one very tiny word that rules so dispassionately and without apparent substance.

 

IMO, you did the right thing. You did what was healthy for you. You wonder, if you had stayed engaged and loving, would things have been different? Yes, likely they would have. What really would bake your noodle is that you knew all along and merely discovered what you already knew to be your truth. IOW, falling out of love with him is your path and always was.

 

I recently had a similar revelation, though different in context. In many ways, pain has been replaced by the happiness of understanding. It's a great feeling...

[frannie]

What an absolutely horrible situation to be in. I don't believe you have anything to reproach yourself for... why add to your pain by beating yourself up? I don't think that is going to help you.

 

I would say you have a very good grasp of what is going on here (from your second post), and I don't really believe that their reconciliation will lead to anything, coming as it seems to from a reaction on his W's part to his involvement with you. I would see him as giving it one last shot for the sake of his children and the vows he took (and she broke).

 

I would say NC or LC (limited contact), which would enable you to keep up with developments. That way, you would know if the reconciliation was going well and could begin to move on without forever wondering if he was going to turn up on your doorstep 'divorce papers in hand' (I know first-hand how that can hold back your healing).

 

So sorry you're in this situation, my heart goes out to you.

[marriedandsad]

Two cheaters. He and she. They deserve each other.

 

I think that is a bit harsh. The wife was the one who had the affair, chose the OM over her husband, agreed to a separation and continued to see her OM openly and exclusively. The husband did not start seeing the OP until after they had been separated for 6 months, they didn't sneak around, they were very open with it, and the wife seemed to be unperturbed about it. They were about to sign the divorce papers when all of a sudden the wife starts to think about what she's doing....and I believe the age of her OM played a factor in her decision. She probably started to see that one day HE would want to be with someone a bit more "desirable" and ran back to where she knew she was "safe". After all she put the husband through, I don't think I would touch her with a 10 foot pole.

 

So while the wife flits around with an OM, the husband is expected to sit there and dwell on the fact his wife was obviously a very selfish cheating woman and she didn't really care about his feelings? I think not.

[bentnotbroken]

I think that is a bit harsh. The wife was the one who had the affair, chose the OM over her husband, agreed to a separation and continued to see her OM openly and exclusively. The husband did not start seeing the OP until after they had been separated for 6 months, they didn't sneak around, they were very open with it, and the wife seemed to be unperturbed about it. They were about to sign the divorce papers when all of a sudden the wife starts to think about what she's doing....and I believe the age of her OM played a factor in her decision. She probably started to see that one day HE would want to be with someone a bit more "desirable" and ran back to where she knew she was "safe". After all she put the husband through, I don't think I would touch her with a 10 foot pole.

 

So while the wife flits around with an OM, the husband is expected to sit there and dwell on the fact his wife was obviously a very selfish cheating woman and she didn't really care about his feelings? I think not.

 

 

Then get a divorce, don't become what she is. They are both cheaters, harsh or not.

[marriedandsad]

Then get a divorce, don't become what she is. They are both cheaters, harsh or not.

 

Um he WAS!!! Did you not read the OP's story? They were a week from signing the papers! I don't think it was cheating at all. He wasn't hiding it, he wasn't sneaking around, hell I think the wife was encouraging him it seems like to move on. So he did. Then she realizes he means business and freaks out and changes her mind about the divorce. Ugh, I HATE it when people only see in black and white instead of some shades of gray.

[wildsoul]

Did you not read the OP's story?

Actually, you might read it again too. Although this imho didn't start out as an A, it's turning into one. That was one of the parts that was troubling her. After he announced his reconcilliation, they are still having physical encounters and continuing to see each other. The OP herself now calls it an affair, much to her dismay it seems. So in that sense, the MM is now cheating as he is actively pursuing reconcilliation with his W, while seeing his GF.

 

I really feel for the OP. She got forced into breaking up when he started to reconcile, but then now her feelings are all involved and she's slid into the position of OW. Not her original role, but one she's let herself get stuck in and needs to solve.

[bentnotbroken]

Actually, you might read it again too. Although this imho didn't start out as an A, it's turning into one. That was one of the parts that was troubling her. After he announced his reconcilliation, they are still having physical encounters and continuing to see each other. The OP herself now calls it an affair, much to her dismay it seems. So in that sense, the MM is now cheating as he is actively pursuing reconcilliation with his W, while seeing his GF.

 

I really feel for the OP. She got forced into breaking up when he started to reconcile, but then now her feelings are all involved and she's slid into the position of OW. Not her original role, but one she's let herself get stuck in and needs to solve.

 

 

Thank you. That was all I said. I realize that my views aren't shared by the majority, that's fine by me. He is a cheater too.

[MichelleS1983]

Bent is absolutely correct in her assessment that they're BOTH cheaters and deserve each other.

 

Karma, my heart truly goes out to you. Being very honest, you are this man's 'collateral damage' in his all-consuming desire to go running back to a woman who treated him like filth under his shoe. I guess he has no pride whatsoever.

 

He has older teenage children - so he's going to fall on the sword for them and go back home to play happy husband and daddy again, is that his plan? Gosh, what a martyr. I do hope he's having his hair shirt refitted. I don't respect or admire his choice at all.

 

And of course, the 'martyr' has made this oh so selfless decision while still calling you every day and professing his love for you. Gosh, what a guy.

 

I think it's time to take off your rose-colored glasses and realize that Mr. Martyr has treated you with absolutely ZERO respect, consideration and compassion. He has the collassal nerve to be calling you every day and professing his devotion to you yet he's basically thrown you right to the curb, hasn't he? Sugarcoat it any way you want, but THAT'S what he's done. I don't think he's doing such a hot job of playing the martyr - but he sure is exceeding all expectations in his role of hypocrite. He, of ALL people, knows what it's like to have a spouse dump you for so-called 'greener pastures.' And now he's basically done that to you.

 

He seems to be getting a free pass just because the one he dumped you for is his wife. Does that make his actions toward you any more noble? No, it doesn't.

 

He made his choice. Now let him live with it. Stop lowering yourself by allowing him to continue to be in your life. He CHOSE to leave your life. Wish him good luck in his new martyr role and close the door on him.

[marriedandsad]

I am sorry, I thought you were calling the OP a cheater. That is why my hackles went up.

 

OP, are you SURE the wife dumped her OM and isn't just trying to have them both? It just seems strange to me that she was soooo ready to dump her husband and be with the OM then a week before the papers get signed she changes her mind and wants her husband back. Maybe she doesn't like having to parent the children while balancing a relationship with a much younger man. Too much energy perhaps? *shrug*.....I would be very very wary.