He went back to his Wife... What am I doing?!?

[Karma101]

Actually, you might read it again too. Although this imho didn't start out as an A, it's turning into one. That was one of the parts that was troubling her. After he announced his reconcilliation, they are still having physical encounters and continuing to see each other. The OP herself now calls it an affair, much to her dismay it seems. So in that sense, the MM is now cheating as he is actively pursuing reconcilliation with his W, while seeing his GF.

 

Yes, absolutely true. It has become an affair. Plain and simple. I, personally, don't feel as though we were having an affair prior to their attempt at reconciliation. As already stated, his wife was openly in a relationship with another man, as were we and they were moving towards divorce. I realize that this may not be the view of all, but our 'label' prior to him reconciling with his wife was not my real issue.

 

OP, are you SURE the wife dumped her OM and isn't just trying to have them both? It just seems strange to me that she was soooo ready to dump her husband and be with the OM then a week before the papers get signed she changes her mind and wants her husband back.

 

She claims to have no continued contact with the OM since breaking up with him. I think reality and fear set in. Her STBXH was actually moving forward with divorce and she had no fall back. I don't know.

[Lookingforward]

In these situations I think it only becomes an affair if it continues AFTER they go back.

[Karma101]

After reading comments here and struggling with my own heartbreak and shame, I met with him and we decided that we could no longer maintain contact. I am heartbroken...and here's why. In the beginning he seemed optimistic and hopeful. As the weeks have gone on, he seems down and unhappy. He admitted this to be true. He also said that he doesn't really know if he's happy with her since reconciling. Obviously they have trust issues, etc. He said things are very distant between them and that she has changed in some ways (for the better) during their separation, but she is also resuming old behaviors. He said that he is happier with me and that he has 'compared' us over and over again and that I am by far more compatible with who he is today. But in the same respect, by continuing contact with me, he is not putting 100% into regaining that spark/passion/etc. in their marriage. In my head, I wanted to scream, "If you feel this way about me, how can you go back to her?!?" But, I told him he needed to figure this out and go through the rough times with her without me as a cushion to fall back on.

 

I had my doubts about this reconciliation working out from day one based on her sudden change of heart, etc. After speaking with him in depth about what has really been going on, I truly don't believe it will work. However, I also know that's between them to figure out. Maybe he'll actually have a chance to miss me with absolutely no contact and decide if they can really be happy together after such a prolonged separation, which has been 1.3 years now. And if the stars align and it's meant to be, maybe we'll find our way back to each other.

 

For now, I am sick to my stomach and beyond devastated. I love this man with every ounce of my being. It sucks to feel passed over...second best. It's also damn confusing when he continues to tell me that I am the "one" but he needs to do this. Great. That makes me feel much better. I feel like a fool.

[Karma101]

Anyone with any similar stories? Am I a total idiot to still hold out hope for "us"? And by the same token, I feel beyond guilty to even say that.

 

What do you think of their so-called reconciliation? Odds? I am trying to understand his mindset.

[joybean72]

Karma....do you know if this man had any affairs prior to his wife leaving the marriage for the OM? It just seems odd to me that he would be so forgiving and go running back. I am a BS and going through the hellishness that is divorce....I would not even consider it if mine left the OW (Correction, the second ow...Yes, I was one of those stupid women!). I did in the beginning because of the initial shock of everything, I begged for my marriage...but I can't stand him now. I'm sorry he's done this to you.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Why is it you insist on calling it an "affair" when there is nothing secret about it. Yes, technically married, but legally separated and dating openly is not the same thing as sneaking around behind the back of the spouse you're still living with.

 

That said, I would never, ever date a "separated" man again......... even if they'd been separated for a decade.

 

The appropriate definition of an affair is...

 

A romantic and sexual relationship, sometimes one of brief duration, between two people who are not married to each other.

 

So, yes, she had an affair. There is nothing about legality or concepts that we like to make ourselves feel better for doing what is wrong. She and he had an affair even if he was separated by from his wife. Ignoring the written paper, there are still the words he and she spoke from their mouths. There is a spiritual, emotional, and mental connection that is forged through marriage and until the two comes to terms that it is truly over, then by the intangibles alone, they are still married.

 

 

DNR

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Sometimes I wonder where is the true karma of life. All these men and women who can't kept their hands off of the people that is not open to them. Don't get me wrong, I understand that sometimes their are lies sometimes in the beginning, but what I am getting at is when you know and you still do it, why? Why is your happiness worth the damage of someone else? What is it that you who choose to be accompliances in affairs are missing in your lives? Where is your care for others and the vows of marriage itself?

 

I personally can't get it. I can't get why illict affections are so good when the pain and damage to one's self and others are so obvious, even those who are happy about what they are doing, when one studies them, you find many of the same traits in sociopaths, uncaring about how other feel and taking pleasure in the damage they are doing. I can see why adultry is considered such a heinous crime. One might as well be a child molester, rapist, robber, murder, or whatever. What is so wrong with finding someone who is single and availiable?

 

 

DNR

[carhill]

What do you think of their so-called reconciliation? Odds? I am trying to understand his mindset.

 

TBH, given neither was able to end the M and, rather, engaged in affairs instead, it is possible that this M could go on for some time. Someone will have to gather the strength to end it, and IMO it will likely happen after the girls are adults. Just a feeling. I can't see this M surviving long-term....though stranger things have happened. Only they know the actual dynamic between them. What you hear and we read is only one perspective and perhaps not reflective of reality.

 

I hope you'll return here for support in maintaining your no-contact policy. It will be hard. He will come to you. You'll have to be strong.

[wildsoul]

Ignoring the written paper, there are still the words he and she spoke from their mouths.

Why do you give greater credence to the words they said when they got married than to the words they said when they split up?

 

I don't give much power to written paper either. Hence, I also believe that relationships of couples that are committed w/o being legally married are as valid as the ones with paper. It's the words and agreement they make with each other that matter.

 

But if the agreement is that they are separated, and it's known that both are dating other people, then it's NOT an affair.

[Karma101]

Karma....do you know if this man had any affairs prior to his wife leaving the marriage for the OM?

 

Not according to him, and I can't see why he would lie about that (to me) at this point. While it does seem sudden that he went back to her, I think that he was so shocked at her complete change of heart towards saving their marriage that he jumped at the chance to reconcile without completely processing the situation, which is NOT to say he would not have gone back anyway. And now that he's almosst 7 weeks in to it, he seems a bit overwhelmed by how difficult it really is, how to put aside our relationship and the feelings that he still has for me and rekindle that 'spark' with her.

 

I did not start this thread for people to debate the definition of an affair with regard to separation and dating before finalizing one's divorce.

 

Why is your happiness worth the damage of someone else? What is it that you who choose to be accompliances in affairs are missing in your lives? Where is your care for others and the vows of marriage itself?

I did NOT damage anyone else. As a matter of fact, I'm the one who has been ultimately cast aside and left totally heartbroken. Let me state the facts again... his wife CHEATED on him and remained in a relationship with the OM for 1.5 years! He actually stayed in the house during the beginning of her affair and attended MC, etc. She chose to REMAIN in the affair. He finally left the house. She CONTINUED to date the OM. Opening and happily. He began to move on with his life, and the divorce, which included dating. He made NO secret about dating during their separation or his relationship with me. She told him SHE DID NOT CARE. She said she was UNPHASED by seeing us together. Where was HER care for others and the VOWS of THEIR marriage?!? As far as I am concerned, I naively got involved with a separated man whom I did not realize was still so emotionally attached to his wife. I am not sure he realized it himself until opportunity came knocking. So, according to you, I 'got mine'. Serves me right? I think not. **I** did not ruin their marriage.

[Karma101]

And FWIW, I will do my best to remain in NC with him. Not only for my own recovery and sanity, but because it is unfair to HER that him and I continue to even talk while they are attempting to work out their problems.

 

Happy? I'm thinking of her feelings as well... I am NOT a bad person. I am not a homewrecker. I am divorced myself and my own POS husband cheated on me. I KNOW how it feels. Call me anything you want, but don't begin to assume you know me personally and that I am only out for myself. I don't sleep and have lost 15 lbs. in less than 2 months. I do have a conscience, but I also am IN LOVE with this man. And he continues to return the sentiment. How can you not understand my hurt and confusion. I am trying to do the right thing. I want to do the right thing. And selfishly, I STILL want him. My feelings for him did not develop overnight. It's not likely they will go away that quickly either.

[carhill]

OP, I think you made a healthy choice. You had a fully emotional and physical relationship with this man for some time during his separation. He and his wife have apparently changed their minds and decided to make a go of their M. You have decided to remove yourself from that situation as your presence would only be toxic to it. Very wise. If the man comes to you and attempts to triangulate you into the M, you will have gained important information about his character and potential. Likewise, if he becomes distant and reciprocates and respects your no contact policy, that is good information too.

 

Hang in there

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Why do you give greater credence to the words they said when they got married than to the words they said when they split up?

 

I don't give much power to written paper either. Hence, I also believe that relationships of couples that are committed w/o being legally married are as valid as the ones with paper. It's the words and agreement they make with each other that matter.

 

But if the agreement is that they are separated, and it's known that both are dating other people, then it's NOT an affair.

 

Separation does NOT = divorce

Separation does NOT = an ending

Separation does NOT = resolve

Separation does NOT = conclusion

Separation does NOT excuse one from his or her vows.

 

This is why it is still called an affair. Like I said, only when we wish to do that which is wrong and justify ourselves do we like to play symantics and make up new meanings to words. Why is it so hard to look in the mirror and call it what it is?

 

Now, here is a hypothosis... One or two separated people decide to date and the other person wants something serious, they are now demanding the commitment that requires the person to formally resolve things, and now what if that does not happen?

 

Or what about if one of the partners becomes serious with the adultry partner and the spouse decided he or she wants to reform the bond and the other is undecided or refuses to give up both?

 

Basically what I am saying is this, getting into a relationship with a separated person is to take on their baggage and weakness. If the marriage is really over, why not just wait until the divorce is finalized and he or she is not in such a place where their activities are under the scrutany of their vows?

 

This is why the wisest man or woman who is single would never get involved with someone who has not made the final commitment of divorce (meaning having had the marriage formally ended).

 

 

DNR

P.S.: And that is what we refuse to look at, the words of the vows especially the part that saids, "For better or for worst." and "Til death due us part."

[ss5725]

Karma,

 

My opinion is that their reconciliation will not last. As in my case, I honestly do not think my separated man's reconciliation with his wife will last. I know how much it is hurting you right now but you have to let him give it 100% with his wife, and you've done the right thing. I know that I am frustrated because it seemed like we really had a great thing going, and by reconciling with his wife he's changed my feelings for him forever. I also know that I could never be with anyone who had any regrets that they didn't give their marriage every chance. Do I think my seperated man's wife manipulated him and has ulterior motives? You bet, and I'm sure she is still in contact with the OM, but how does that change my involvement? Not one bit. He needs to be divorced and moving on with his life if I am ever to speak with him again. He knew that I would not have been seeing him if I didn't think he was available, and when reconciliation became an option I was done. He also told me he was probably making the biggest mistake of his life, but he did it anyway. I don't know if I admire him because he could swallow his pride enough to go back after she humiliated him for the sake of his children, or if he's destroyed any hope of me ever respecting him again. Hang in there, and work on yourself. There is no quick solution to any of it, but time will tell.

[Karma101]

How is it that we can convince ourselves that "something" is better than "nothing". I have actually caught myself thinking today, well as the OW, at least I still had him in my life. That's "something", right? And really, that is NOT the kind of relationship I want with this man. I want what we HAD...

 

I am beyond sad. The wound is as fresh today as it was almost 2 months ago when he initially told me they were reconciling. I can't seem to shake these dark thoughts of "What's wrong with me?" "Why didn't he choose me?" You know, not feeling good enough. Wondering how he could claim to be so happy with me, so connected with me and disconnected with her and yet still go back. I want to move on. I just don't know where to start...

[pelicanpreacher]

One way that you might be able to decompress from this relationship is by switching your focus from all the things you loved and admired about him to those negative aspects of his being that you've chosen to overlook in favor of love. By concentrating your thoughts on his deficits, weaknesses, and lesser qualities you may be able regain a proper perspective of this man you profess to love and shatter the rose colored glasses that prohibit you from seeing how fallible and unworthy he truly is.

 

From what I've gleaned your MM seems to use the sympathy and confusion card quite a bit in his manipulation of your emotions. I can only guess that this was part of his come on when he started the relationship with you and he's continued to leverage your feelings to keep you strung out hoping for the future. At the onset of your relationship he glommed onto you with his neediness. Now that his wife wants reconcilliation his formerly battered but rebuilt self-esteem has been getting a major ego stroking due to the tug of war felt by two women competing for him.

Because he's emotionally back on his feet your continued relationship only feeds his craving for excess attention without deference to your feelings or needs. As he prolongs his indecisiveness you'll soon grow bitter from the toxic emotions due to emerge from living in this kind of hellish limbo which will drag you to lower and lower depths of emotion.

 

Walk away now before you truly hurt yourself by experiencing rock bottom!

[ss5725]

Dear Karma,

 

Something is not better than nothing. If you want what you had (you thought you had a man that was available) you have to let it go. You are not cut out to be the OW, accept it and be proud of it. It you are meant to be with him you will be, but you have to be true and proud. I got from your posts that you are extremely pissed that he chose the cheating wife over you, same thing with me. I never even thought reconciliation was a possibility. But apparently it was, and you need to pull your hat from the ring. Do it, or you will never be anything but the other woman in your own mind, and that is where the rub is. Get past the immediate pain and just move on, it is hard, but you are not in competition with this woman. She is a loser, and you aren't. Your previously separated man will realize that at some point, but you have to decide if you want to be around to run the home stretch or not. Godbless and be strong.

[Karma101]

I wouldn't say that I am mad that he went back to his wife, more hurt than anything. No, I did not ever see reconciliation as a possibility between them. Their 'issues' seemed overwhelming (per him) and there just didn't seem to be any interest at all on her part. Her change of heart was sudden. It felt like I was punched in the gut.

 

It would have been easier if he just said, "Hey, I'm going back to my wife. I care about you. We had fun. But, I have 20 years of history with this woman and am still in love with her." Period. But when he tells me that he still loves me, that he has not been happy during the course of the past 7 weeks since deciding to reconcilie with her, that he can't help but wonder if he's making the wrong decision by going back to her, etc. - It's hard to be mad. Like I said, I just want to ask him why he's doing this, but I know that's selfish. He has to figure this out on his own.

 

To be clear, as of yesterday, we have agreed to go no contact so that he can put 100% of his efforts into his marriage and truly decide if their relationship can be salvaged w/out any outside interference from his xGF. Granted, that's exactly what he said 7 weeks ago. He has never been w/out me. In the past 7 weeks, he has had me to 'cushion' the difficultly involved in reconciling with his wife. He admitted this fact.

 

I'm just sad.

[jj33]

Oh Karma. Big hug. You did the right thing. You have conducted yourself well.

 

How can you think its better to have something than nothing? Its a trick our mind plays on us when we cant wrap our head around the idea that the world is not the way we thought it was and the person we love tells us that the world is flat instead of round. A part of us wants to believe that.

 

But its not. And you did the right thing. If he has decided to make a go of it with his W then you have to let him do that 100% or he will never know what it is like to do that without you in the picture.

 

It doesnt mean he wont realize in a month or 2 that the marriage is over and this is just the dead cat bounce. But he will never have a chance to fully come to that conclusion if he is in constant contact with you and you.

 

Hang in there. Whatever happens you have done the right thing.

[stillafool]

I just can't get over his W now wanting him again after she see's he's finding happiness with someone new. I hate people like that. However, I must say if your guy is serious about working on making his marriage work he shouldn't be selfish enough to continue to contact you. I agree he is playing somewhat of a martyr while almost getting everything he wants. I most definitely would go "no contact" on his arse.

[whichwayisup]

It doesn't matter why his wife wants him back, the point is, she asked and he JUMPED at the chance of going home to her again. His wife didn't force that upon him, noone held a gun to his head.

 

Because of this, there's no choice here BUT to go no contact. Make it clear to him that he's lost you and blew it. HIS LOSS, not yours.

[Karma101]

Yes WWIS, you are right, he JUMPED at the chance to reconcile. It was out of the blue. But you are right, I guess that doesn't matter one way or the other. I am trying to let go of those thoughts, that are really none of my business, about "why" she so suddenly came around, if her intentions/motivation is misguided... But he has made his choice. And per him, he isn't all that he thought it would be. Seems that she hasn't changed all that much in the 1.5 years they have been apart. Oh well.

 

We did agree no contact. It's been a couple of days now. This is beyond hard, but I know it will get better as time goes on. I hope anyway.

[NewSunrise]

Because of this, there's no choice here BUT to go no contact. Make it clear to him that he's lost you and blew it. HIS LOSS, not yours.

Unfortunately, a WS never loses anything when they decide to reconcile with their BS. Call it an "intermission" from OP if you will. But lose? Nah!

 

BUT it's the OP who loses, ways beyond just the relationship.

 

Karma, you've experienced being cheated on by your xH. Use this opportunity to redefine who you really are, what you want your relationship with a man to be. In other words, work on yourself rather than beating yourself up trying to figure WHY he didn't choose you.

 

Even IF the reconciliation fails, after choosing his W over you, would you want him by default at that point? And if you do, what does that say about you?

 

Think about it.

[frannie]

Karma, I know it's almost impossible, but try not to view it as a competition between her and yourself, with MM being the arbiter of the 'winner'. Because it's just not like that at all. You got involved in a situation where she evidently (if not he) was not finished, whatever she said or claimed. She might very well be viewing it all as a power-struggle. I wonder how the OM feels now he's been left for dust as she switches from one man to another on the turn of a coin?

 

That's not the kind of woman anyone would feel secure and happy with. So, she's 'chosen' her H for now... who knows what will happen down the line. Perhaps your xBF will wake up and make the decision to end things for himself now, on his terms. See, there are so many aspects to a situation like this, we can become fixated on how they affect our own self-esteem without realising there are all these other stories going on too.

 

Your xBF might want to be able to end his marriage on his terms, and walk away without guilt or a backward look. He has his own reasons for what he's doing now, and I doubt that he's anything other than confused and trying to think on his feet. He probably doesn't even know what he's doing or what he wants from one minute to the next, so try not to judge him on his actions at the moment (well, that would be my approach anyway, but look at my life ).

 

There's no telling what will happen next. But one thing you can know: you have acted in the best way you could, knowing what you knew at the time, and for that you can hold your head up.

[NewSunrise]

Seems that she hasn't changed all that much in the 1.5 years they have been apart. Oh well.

 

We did agree no contact. It's been a couple of days now. This is beyond hard, but I know it will get better as time goes on. I hope anyway.

Consider this the "withdrawal" phase. BS also goes through the same crap when they go NC with their WS.

 

No one knows for sure what really goes on in anyone's marriage. You created a perception of what his marriage and wife based on HIS stories. Text book scenario. Unless you were a fly on their walls, you or any OP involved with any MP will never know. If anything, it is in the best interest of a MP to basically "lie" or give you HALF or part truths of the marriage. But what is absolute truth is that their marriage is in disrepair. It is also an absolute truth that the MP will cheat and lie rather than repair the M or get a divorce before starting another relationship.

 

The other "half" truths is from the wife. Even IF you talked to the W, you won't get the FULL truth on their M.

 

The hardest truth to face is when the OP comes to realization that the M wasn't really over after all.

 

A marriage is NEVER over until divorce is final.

 

Karma, again, use this NC opportunity to redefine yourself. There is joy to being alone---something that most people are afraid to do. Reset your boundaries. Redefine the kind/type of relationship you want based on YOUR terms and standards and NOT by someone else's.

 

Good luck.