He went back to his Wife... What am I doing?!?

[whichwayisup]

I believe family is one of the primary reasons driving him back. He wants to maintain a two-parent household

 

This is it exactly. Their child is and has been suffering, so to keep the family together, that's why they are getting back together. I just hope for the kids sake they BOTH try their best to make life at home better..Counselling, family counselling for the kids too.

 

Sorry that you're hurting.

[bentnotbroken]

the mother has a penis?

 

 

You and carhill are a trip:laugh: I hope she doesn't have a penis, then there is a whole different aspect to this story:eek:

[stampdaddy]

Seriously though, OP, I feel for you more that you know. For those that havent been in this spot, we need to be careful with how critical we are, as this pain is, as she said, unbearable. We dont need to hand hold, we dont need to encourage hope, we need to encourage NC until the cows come home. We dont need to give all of the reasons why, we just need to make NC a belief, a way of life, a habit, whatever you want to call it..

 

To be given that "carpet of hope and promise" only to have it yanked out from under you again, and again DOES leave one free falling out of control.. Keep your chin up because you CAN make it and WILL make it out of this. Focus on Spring which is right around the corner and be happy

[manugeorge]

This too shall pass Karma, no doubt about that. Don't beat yourself up, yes you were a fool, yes he took you for a ride but guess what? no one is immune to getting played. No one is immune to heartache, you are just getting your share of what life deals everyone.

 

This is not a time of to blame yourself, you can't turn back the hands of time, what is done is done. This is a time to suck it up, and find a way to start healing --one day at a time, baby steps.

 

I can't imagine your hurt, I'm not going to try and minimize it, I know the pain must feel overwhelming but you have to keep reminding yourself that it will get better because it will. And you have to start looking forward to that time when it will become a fading memory.

 

The thing about pain, heartache or any other feeling really is that they can't sustain intensity. For a little while, it may feel like it will literally kill you, but gradually it subsides.

 

So just take it a day at a time. He's back with his family, it's all over now. This is not the time to analyze his reasons, your reasons, her reasons, this is not the time for coulda, woulda, shouldas, this is not the time to wish or fight. This is the time to cry, grieve, scream, whatever will get you through the pain.

[jwi71]

You know Karma...I have both sympathy and none. Wishing you the best - but also thinking "you refuse to learn" and as such, have little sympathy for the position you CONTINUALLY put yourself in.

 

I'll tell you I skimmed EVERY thread you started back in July of 8 until now. ALL of them.

 

And NOTHING has changed. You came here because your new bf was having issues with his stbxw. That was what, nine months ago? And at that time he had been separated for like a year?

 

And he STILL treats you the exact same.

And you STILL breakdown and cry.

And you STILL go back.

 

Have you read all the excuses you make?

Have you read how you explain away his behavior only to post another heartbreaking sob story a month later - of how he did it AGAIN?

 

What's it take for you to learn?

 

Hello?

 

Two years...no divorce.

Almost as long...him treating you "great" and loving "you"...only to return to the M.

 

Hey, anyone see a pattern here?

 

How long before he "leaves" and sucks Karma back in. Followed by a "True Love" conquers all post. Then he leaves. Again. And she posts here. Again.

 

I'm now taking bets.

 

Good luck Karma...until YOU decide enough is enough, enjoy the wild ride YOU CHOOSE TO RIDE.

[stampdaddy]

You know Karma...I have both sympathy and none. Wishing you the best - but also thinking "you refuse to learn" and as such, have little sympathy for the position you CONTINUALLY put yourself in.

 

I'll tell you I skimmed EVERY thread you started back in July of 8 until now. ALL of them.

 

And NOTHING has changed. You came here because your new bf was having issues with his stbxw. That was what, nine months ago? And at that time he had been separated for like a year?

 

And he STILL treats you the exact same.

And you STILL breakdown and cry.

And you STILL go back.

 

Have you read all the excuses you make?

Have you read how you explain away his behavior only to post another heartbreaking sob story a month later - of how he did it AGAIN?

 

What's it take for you to learn?

 

Hello?

 

Two years...no divorce.

Almost as long...him treating you "great" and loving "you"...only to return to the M.

 

Hey, anyone see a pattern here?

 

How long before he "leaves" and sucks Karma back in. Followed by a "True Love" conquers all post. Then he leaves. Again. And she posts here. Again.

 

I'm now taking bets.

 

Good luck Karma...until YOU decide enough is enough, enjoy the wild ride YOU CHOOSE TO RIDE.

 

JWI61, I agree with you, and yes, there is a pattern here. NOW, the question is, can anybody explain why there is a pattern here? I know that just last week, or the week before, I went back and read EVERY one of my own posts, and saw where I was over a year ago.. All of the pain, all of the confusion, all of the empty promises, all of the anxiety, panic attacks, unhappiness, lonliness etc.... And, I looked at where I was last week.. Had much changed? No, not really, but did it there right at that moment? YES, big time. Why in the world would I want to live like that?????

So, Karma, maybe this approach too can help you. Go back an re-read ALL of your posts, every single word of them, and tell me it doesnt just piss you off... You dont want that for yourself.. It is just harde living in "the moment", so go back and re-live those moments almost a year ago...

[Island Girl]

I am just sad to see you running to his defense.

 

He knowingly involved you when he was very clearly not done emotionally.

 

He made empty promises to not be alone.

 

It seems he can't be alone.

 

Instead he needs to fly into someone's arms - conveniently - thinking only of himself.

 

He justifies his actions in this last about face by using the "it's for the kids" reasoning.

When we ALL know and it has been WELL documented that parents staying together in a bad marriage does more damage to the kids then the two parents splitting and having healthier relationships.

 

You say he said he "didn't really make 100% effort last time".

So he created so much heartache for you -- all for naught? At that point he knew he had devastated you but he then didn't put in his part of the work and in a sense at least justify his own reasons for doing that to you??!!

 

This guy is really a piece of work. I really hope one day you realize that. You didn't lose much of anything by this latest turn of events.

 

He did you a huge favor. Who knows when Mr. Wishy-Washy would have his next light bulb moment or "call of conscience".

Sheesh.

 

Like I said before he and his wife need to stay together and keep two other people from being unhappy.

 

Let then keep the misery to themselves within their own relationship.

 

Sad situation for the kids though.

 

HE IS SOME ROLE MODEL!!

[Karma101]

You know Karma...I have both sympathy and none. Wishing you the best - but also thinking "you refuse to learn" and as such, have little sympathy for the position you CONTINUALLY put yourself in.

 

I'll tell you I skimmed EVERY thread you started back in July of 8 until now. ALL of them.

 

And NOTHING has changed. You came here because your new bf was having issues with his stbxw. That was what, nine months ago? And at that time he had been separated for like a year?

 

And he STILL treats you the exact same.

And you STILL breakdown and cry.

And you STILL go back.

 

Have you read all the excuses you make?

Have you read how you explain away his behavior only to post another heartbreaking sob story a month later - of how he did it AGAIN?

 

What's it take for you to learn?

 

Hello?

 

Two years...no divorce.

Almost as long...him treating you "great" and loving "you"...only to return to the M.

 

Hey, anyone see a pattern here?

 

How long before he "leaves" and sucks Karma back in. Followed by a "True Love" conquers all post. Then he leaves. Again. And she posts here. Again.

 

I'm now taking bets.

 

Good luck Karma...until YOU decide enough is enough, enjoy the wild ride YOU CHOOSE TO RIDE.

 

First and foremost, let me say that I am not looking for sympathy. I have no one to blame but myself. I made extremely poor choices in this "relationship", and I admit that.

 

At first your post made me angry, but now I guess I owe you a "Thank You". You are right. I did go back and read my posts. I do make excuses for him. I defend him. I have been patient and understanding in this situation... to a fault. I suppose that is because I do love him, right or wrong, I do. I guess my REAL problem lies within myself and why I have continued to put myself in a less than optimal situation over and over again. I wanted to believe every single word he said, despite the obvious red flags and continued back and forth behavior on his part. If I don't put myself and my needs first, why would he, or anyone else for that matter.

 

I have had enough. Do I want him back right now? Of course, I am devastated. Would I go back though? No. I know it's time to let this go. And that is truly what I want to do. I only posted my "sob story" as a means to put my truth out there and absorb the advice and wisdom of others. Cleary what I have been doing is not working. Not at all.

 

So, I will take the harsh comments and "I told you so's" with my chin up...

[OWoman]

Karma, it's time to start taking care of yourself for a change.

[jj33]

I dont think you are that naive. You wanted to believe. For every story that ends up like yours, there are 2 that end up differently. And the same thing could have happened with a single man who had a long term girlfriend. They were both dating but neither one had fully given up on the marriage. Theres no way you could have known that.

 

But now you have been burned twice by this. If he begs to come back tell him you need to wait until the ink is dry on the divorce.

 

So sorry you are hurting.

[Island Girl]

You are right. I did go back and read my posts. I do make excuses for him. I defend him. I have been patient and understanding in this situation... to a fault.

 

And now you also see that he was NOT being honest with his feelings when he was sharing all that time with you.

 

You have mentioned he was "distant" at times but he never gave you the option of making an informed decision because he didn't want to give you all the facts.

 

That was completely selfish on his part. He is a scumbag for doing that.

 

HE kept up the facade until in the end he decided what HE wanted to do and blindsided you TWICE.

 

Is he deserving of your adoration? NO!!

 

Does he deserve the defense by someone whom he exploited for his own benefit with little regard of what a vulnerable position that was putting you in? NO!!

 

I suppose that is because I do love him, right or wrong, I do.

 

Do you really love someone who could treat you so badly? Who could use you as a crutch and then discard you when it suits him (not once but TWICE) - ?

 

Or do you love the idea of him. The him that he presented to you while he shielded this selfish part of himself...

 

I think you fell in love with the man of his words - and what he showed you.

But those words weren't truthful. They weren't honest.

 

He told you what he wanted you to know - only pieces of reality - and he hid so much that you NEEDED to know in order to protect yourself and make educated decisions for yourself.

He's a selfish jackass.

 

I guess my REAL problem lies within myself and why I have continued to put myself in a less than optimal situation over and over again. I wanted to believe every single word he said, despite the obvious red flags and continued back and forth behavior on his part. If I don't put myself and my needs first, why would he, or anyone else for that matter.

 

Okay. So there were red flags that you could have paid more attention to.

 

But you were also being strung along and lied to. You were being spoon fed a fantasy.

 

So in that way you aren't to blame.

 

Be thankful you found out how weak he is now rather than months or years down the line.

 

My father is like this.

 

And my mother spent 13 years in a marriage with him only to then have him show his true colors in just about the same way.

 

You are lucky you found out now believe me.

 

My father is this kind of emotionally stunted soul sucking vacuum.

He is a sucky person who thinks only of himself and his wants all the while using the people around him with no consideration of the consequences.

 

You will never ignore red flags again - or I hope you don't.

 

But at least now you have the chance to move forward starting today instead of going on and on with this kind of loser.

[Karma101]

Or do you love the idea of him. The him that he presented to you while he shielded this selfish part of himself...

 

I think you fell in love with the man of his words - and what he showed you.

 

I suppose those statements are very true. I am very much in love with what I thought he was, where I thought he was emotionally in the process of his divorce, etc. I loved what I thought could have been with him... what he told me our future would be together. I guess I am in love with a fantasy.

[whichwayisup]

I thought he was, where I thought he was emotionally in the process of his divorce,

 

And I'm sure he was, that is until he saw how much his son was suffering and for his own sake and also the obligation he has to his children, he needs to atleast try and make this work. Just hope his wife is on board with this too.

[White Flower]

Karma, it's time to start taking care of yourself for a change.

I agree with OWoman.

 

This is clearly a case of 'so close and yet so far'. He was on the verge of divorce, fell in love, and went back after he thought there were no chances of ever going back. I don't neccessarily see fault here. It is what it is. We all learn from pain and who knows, his M may not work after all. If he is truly doing this for the kids, then he did his part whether it works or not.

 

Everyone's story is different and we still don't know the ending to this one. Good luck Karma.

[Karma101]

When will my anger come? I find this to be the worst time for me - very late night / early morning. I can't sleep and lay awake thinking... obsessing. I feel like a fool more because I can not seem to find the courage to (in my mind, at least) tell him to "f' off" than because of the events that have transpired over the course of the past 14 months. I can still picture his face when telling me repeatedly that he was done with her and their marriage... It was seemed so sincere. Maybe in fact it was himself that he was completely fooling. Maybe he so desperately wanted to believe that he was done and would not go back for more that he felt the need to actually say it out loud. I don't know. They say love is blind, and I know that to be true because right now, at this very moment, my heart still aches for him. And I know that is quite pathetic.

 

I just want this pain to subside. To at least become bearable. I have to believe I deserve at least that much.

[jasminetea]

Karma, did you miss my last where I asked if you could get away for a break? A change of scenery can do wonders for perspective.

 

I think you're right about him fooling himself, I have no doubt that he believed at the time he was going to divorce and be with you. He just didn't take the time and space to do the former before the latter.

 

It will get better, but you have to put yourself first. Treat yourself as if you were your own best friend - eat right, exercise, get a massage - all things that are good for your soul as well as your body.

[Karma101]

I wish I could get away. I am actually having surgery on Thursday. Guess I'm not in the best state of mind for that, but it has to be done. I won't be able to take any additional vacation time after that anytime soon. So, I'm stuck here. With him right down the street... knowing that anyday now, he'll be moving back in with her. Ugh.

[jasminetea]

Oh I'm sorry to hear that.

 

I think you should start planning a break for when you're able to get away. Do you have a friend or family that could supposrt you? Even if its just to go for a coffee with?

[Montclair0011]

Karma101,

 

I had followed your thread from a few months ago because I'm in basically the same situation. It's just beyond torture. I spend hours just crying hysterically. I just don't get why these guys go back to abusive relationships when they have opportunity to leave with loving support but they do. There are penniless uneducated abused wives that manage to get away, but these guys just run like horses back to the burning barn.

 

I would suggest that you get a therapist if you don't already have one. I have talked to mine a lot and it helps some. It's easy to feel like a lonely looser in this kind of situation. One of the things that my therapist has said that might relate to your situation as well is that the guy may have issues related to fear of intimacy. He finds himself getting to close to you and the demands of that are difficult (even if normal and reasonable) so he runs off. The wife is very demanding but she does not need or demand intimacy (she's got her OM for that) like you would have in

 

The situation with the wife never changes and he starts to think of you idealistically and then he makes a move back but then he can't take the pressure of having a normal relationship.

 

Anyway my therapist said in this pattern they can just go back and forth for a long time and the only hope is if they go to therapy and become aware of their fears and confront them. Not sure this is your situation but I thought I would mention it since I have a similar problem.

 

I feel really bad for you and I'm hoping that you get through this and find happiness that you deserve. I hope the same for myself. I'm trying to move on and maybe meet someone else but I'm just heartbroken.

[jj33]

Thats a really good point montclair. I think that is one of the reasons the guy I was involved with stays in his marriage. No emotional demands. No emotions but if they are scary then that is a good thing in a perverse sort of way.

[Karma101]

I guess that's an interesting point. We have both read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley (him for the problems in his marriage and me (some time ago) during my own divorce). Anyway, while discussing the book, he claims that his love bank overflows w/ me and was empty for quite some time in his marriage. Not surprising I guess since they were having problems. He also has said, on many occassions, that she no longer meets his basic emotional needs as outlined in the book (even during their last attempt at reconciliation) and that I do on every level. I can't even begin to understand what's going on in his mind. I'm sure his emotions are confusing and complex right now... family, history, love, etc. I just know he's gone.

[flash582]

Two cheaters. He and she. They deserve each other.

 

Oh Give me a break.

 

What a pompous load of higher than thou defecation.

 

I can't decide if your just a troll or if you truly are as messed up as you appear to be.

 

Be careful ..... pride goeth before a fall.

[flash582]

She took him back because she didn't want him to have you. He went back because he's still heartsick for the family he had.

 

Go NC .... I'd give you 80% odds that he'll be back within 6 months, but only once he misses you and misses his emotional needs being met on a daily basis.

 

A separated wife can be the cruelest creature on the planet, especially one that has a history of being selfish. Your guy is very confused right now and is still being manipulated by this woman ..... you can't beat yourself up for having been there for him.

 

I was in this same situation, however, my ex waited long enough, was cruel enough, that when she came back I was strong enough to tell her to go pound sand, But it was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. 8 years later and she still wants me back, even though I'm married to the woman that helped to heal my heart.

 

Part of the issue is that he never healed. Another part of the issue is that she is GOOD at manipulation. How much do you want to bet that she's been cheating on him since day one.

 

However, How in the world can you be down on yourself for being a great person and for having loved someone as much as you obviously love/loved him?

 

Love is ALWAYS a risk. You can't have love without putting your heart at risk. I don't know why that is, I just know it is.

 

Sometimes it doesn't turn out the way it's supposed to, but you can't beat yourself up for having taken the risk! Karma .... you sound like a wonderful person with a huge heart and a lot of love to give.

 

Tell him that this is not fair to you and he's breaking your heart. Then smile, tell him good luck, a chaste kiss, and go No Contact. Once you are out of the picture, she'll lose interest in him again and it will implode.

 

Then your toughest decision will be if you want him back again or not. If you decide yes ... then don't be too easy to win back ... make it a bit of a challenge.

[Karma101]

She took him back because she didn't want him to have you. He went back because he's still heartsick for the family he had.

 

I have always thought that if he wasn't with someone else, she would have been perfectly happy to remain separated while doing "her thing". He has continued to pay the mortgage/utilities in the house while she lived there (with her xBF/OM until recently) for the past 2 years.

 

He is clearly confused. Two weeks ago it was all us, and now, it's all her. I know he misses his family desperately. He needs as much counseling as her. Maybe they'll get it together and put this mess back together. Seems unlikely given their history and recent attempts at reconciliation.

 

Oh well, it's their business now. None of my concern, though I'm human and can't help but wonder...

[Montclair0011]

This was similar to my experience as well. The wife was a screaming, demanding banshee with a boyfriend. She kicked the husband (my ex) out when the boyfriend came to visit (he lived far away) and my ex acted negatively to having his wife's boyfriend staying with them (the wife denied an affair but my ex had proof). We met while they were separated and had many months of happiness. When she found out I was in the picture she was suddenly in love with him again and completely devoted and wanting another chance. She also used the child in a way to help manipulate the situation to her advantage.

 

I could not believe he would go back to that but he did. He dropped the divorce proceedings and move out of his apartment. He admitted it was not a good situation but he felt it was what he needed to do because of his child. I've had NC for over a month except for a brief weak moment phone call that I made the other day. He said it was up and down and she was still often out of control but that he was determined to stay and make it work.

 

I don't plan on calling again but it's just so heartbreaking. It's not like other breakups where you fight and recognize that there are differences, etc. It's like you found the person you want to be with and they have been carted off to jail, except they volunteered.