He went back to his Wife... What am I doing?!?

[bentnotbroken]

Oh Give me a break.

 

What a pompous load of higher than thou defecation.

 

I can't decide if your just a troll or if you truly are as messed up as you appear to be.

 

Be careful ..... pride goeth before a fall.

 

 

:lmao::lmao:Too cute.

[jj33]

Karma that is why divorce lawyers always tell people not to date openly until the D is finalised but often people like your STBD guy do not take their advice.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I could not believe he would go back to that but he did.

 

Back to what??? His life???? Because his wife was a screaming banshee... while he was having an affiar???? But she had her own... said whom?????

[OWoman]

A separated wife can be the cruelest creature on the planet, especially one that has a history of being selfish.

 

So true! Trumped only by the newly D xW watching on the sidelines as her xH floats by in newlywed bliss with his fOW, cheered on by the kids and all the extended family, friends, colleagues and neighbours she used to consider hers...

 

Karma - speculating on the whys and wherefors won't help your hurt in any lasting way. You need to step outside of their toxic sphere and look at your own needs, and put yourself first in a way no one else has been doing for you. Fill your days with as much sunshine and laughter as you can, and edge the pain out bit by bit.

 

Take care of yourself.

[Karma101]

Back to what??? His life???? Because his wife was a screaming banshee... while he was having an affiar???? But she had her own... said whom?????

 

They separated almost 2 years ago because his Wife was having an affair - "said HER". She remained with this OM throughout the duration of their separation. Him and I met after he had been separated for about 6 months and began dating casually. They attempted reconciliation back in Sept. It lasted just over 2 months. During that brief reconciliation, he remained in contact with me and she did the same with her OM. So yes, both of them were having affairs. And now they are going to give it a try yet again. This time, him and I will not remain in contact, as hard as it will be. And I certainly can't speak for her...

[Montclair0011]

Based on the responses, I'm not sure I was clear in my post. Neither Karma, nor I had "affairs" with married men. We dated separated, filing for divorce men who suddenly, inexplicably, went back to wives with histories of affairs and generally not nice behavior.

 

There might have been some overlap because the transition was so abrupt, but this is not the same as getting involved with a married man who is living with his wife and pretending to be a loyal husband.

 

The big question for me is why do these guys go back to such obviously unhappy and fulfilling situations when they have alternatives? I guess children and money are part of the issues. Fear of intimacy and of taking charge of one's life might be another. I don't know about Karma's guy, but mine was on the passive side and tended to let things happen to him. He told me he looked at all the obstacles and just decided to take the easy way out.

[Karma101]

There are many people here would who firmly believe that dating a legally married man, even if he is physically separated from his Wife, is an affair. I am not one of those people. I had every reason to believe that this man was going to divorce.

 

Why do they stay? Many reasons, I'm sure. Family, history, etc. The man I was dating seems completely desensitized to the chaos of his life in the past 2-3 years. It's almost normal for him - the back and forth with his Wife. He seems to cling to the "good" times - how it was 4-5 years ago, hoping beyond hope that he can regain those times again. And maybe he can, but I highly doubt it.

[Montclair0011]

That's interesting, that he has focused on this idealization of the past. Sounds like avoidance of real intimacy to me (but I only play a shrink on TV). I think it is good that you are planning to try to move on. That's the best course to take. Eventually he will be idolizing the time he spent with you and wanting to get that back.

 

So if deep down you still love him and he should throw himself upon you at some time in the future and you are available you might consider taking him back based on some strict criteria: he's divorced, living alone and is willing to go to couples counseling with you. But try to live as though he's not coming back (which I'm sure you already know).

 

In my case, it's a bit murkier since my ex did not remember ever liking his spouse much except for part of the first year and for a few years after the child had been born. He was even sort of OK with the affair she had because he was glad someone else was dealing with her exhausting intensity. He said he could not stand her but he was totally devoted to his child and the child was begging him to come back.

[bentnotbroken]

There are many people here would who firmly believe that dating a legally married man, even if he is physically separated from his Wife, is an affair. I am not one of those people. I had every reason to believe that this man was going to divorce.

 

Why do they stay? Many reasons, I'm sure. Family, history, etc. The man I was dating seems completely desensitized to the chaos of his life in the past 2-3 years. It's almost normal for him - the back and forth with his Wife. He seems to cling to the "good" times - how it was 4-5 years ago, hoping beyond hope that he can regain those times again. And maybe he can, but I highly doubt it.

 

 

I am one of those people for a couple of reasons. One is my faith. It says that even separated men are still married. Even if it is only legally. He still has wife. If he were to die during the separation, every legal and social institution will see her as the wife whether she deserves it or not.

 

Secondly, the situation you are in can be the result. More pain and injury. the fact is, they aren't divorced but they are still emotionally tied. Neither has put the effort into the divorce. And if attempted, one or both put the brakes on(in your case more than once). That is evidence of one or both them not being ready to move on.

 

So why would anyone want to be a part of the emotional baggage being dragged around by this kind of person? That person isn't free to give you 100% of anything. They don't have it to give. Co-dependency is written all over these people. The confusion and drama are a drug. They are a high that only those two people can give each other.

 

You said you don't consider dating a separated man as wrong, do you at least consider it not a wise decision that has cost you more emotional angst than you bargained for? I know most people don't believe in God, but there are common sense reasons behind dealing with single people. Would you put up with this kind of mess from a single man(no gf)? But what do I know, I am only the person who judges, right?

 

Let me tell you a little story. There was this couple who I had known all my life. They were good friends of my parents. They seemed to be good with each other. They had been a couple for over 20 years. I thought they were married. He was killed by a drunk driver (1985). We went to the funeral and there was this woman there dressed in black with 3 children, but his (wife)wasn't there. When the service was over, I asked my mother where was his wife, she sad that was her with the 3 kids:eek:, no I mean so and so.

 

I got the shock of my life. So and so wasn't his wife. They only lived together for all those years. My mother explained that he and his wife were separated and had never divorced. They just seemed to never make it past the separation stage. What's so bad about that, he was with someone who made him happy? Well, he and that woman had established a household, had ties, financial, emotional and family. The same he had with his wife. Everything he and the ow worked for was given over to the wife. The ow and the daughter that he had raised as his own got nothing. They had to move from the home they had, give up friends and family as well as grieve.

 

Now I know this was a lot of years ago and women are more savvy now in protecting themselves, but why even put yourself in the position to have such a detrimental effect on your life. And yes, this was a true story.

[Karma101]

You said you don't consider dating a separated man as wrong, do you at least consider it not a wise decision that has cost you more emotional angst than you bargained for?

 

Absolutely! Let me just say, in my defense, that this is the first man I have been in a relationship with since my own divorce became final. My divorce was fairly easy. Yes, there were emotions involved, but once I had made the decision to divorce, there was no going back. We have no children together. I naively assumed that divorce for him would be the same. By the time we met, lawyers were already involved, etc. I thought it would move forward and be done with. I honestly did not even consider that they would reconcile. And by the time they did, I was deeply in love with this man. Would I ever date a separated man again? NO! Do I regret getting involved with this separated man? NO! Despite the outcome, he brought me back from a dark place as a result of my own divorce.

[Montclair0011]

I see your point Bent, but I think it's easy to criticize others when you have not walked in their shoes. It's not like there is a huge pool of perfect men out there waiting to treat every woman who wants one like a queen. Everyone has issues and baggage, especially when you are still dating past your 20's. Maybe the 40 year old Virgin was a good movie but would you really want to be involved with that? Yuck.

 

Obviously, dating a still-married man going through divorce is a red-flag and a risk but but since the divorce rate is 50% the chances that a guy will complete the process are probably high. Besides, all love is a risk. People date lots more people than they marry. Relationships inherently have a high failure rate. I would consider dating a separated man again, but I would be far more cautious before getting deeply involved. I'd use stringent criteria learned by experience to evaluate the situation before proceeding.

 

The cautionary tale that you relate about the non-married couple living together is, while terrific advice, not relevant to this discussion. Neither Karma, nor I were expecting to be with married men long-term. Divorce was a key milestone in our future plans.

 

I guess there is the religious/moral aspect, but I don't subscribe to that regarding separated men. To each his own. Pursuing a married man living with his wife, OTOH, should be punishable by death, and I don't even believe in the death penalty (guess how my marriage ended :-))

[carhill]

He could've gone back to his wife even after they divorced, even years or decades after they divorced. Anything is possible. IMO, it's the emotional attachment which is key. If that's gone, the divorce paperwork is merely just that, delayed legal implementation of a decision. Of course, emotions being the fickle things they are, change is inevitable and always possible. Living life by "what if", "if only", etc. is paralysis in evidence. When one comes to die, all that really is behind them is a memory of life. I personally would rather take the risks and suffer the losses and be full of the joy of the effort when I come to draw my last breath.

 

OP, you took a risk and you made an effort, an effort borne of love and emotion. You'll carry that within you as part of your life experience. If you learn from it and solidify or change your perspective as a result, it will become part of your joy of existence. Perhaps "joy" sounds wrong right now, but, in time, I think you'll find the memory to be so. Go on, and love again. It's the human thing to do

[bentnotbroken]

I see your point Bent, but I think it's easy to criticize others when you have not walked in their shoes. It's not like there is a huge pool of perfect men out there waiting to treat every woman who wants one like a queen. Everyone has issues and baggage, especially when you are still dating past your 20's. Maybe the 40 year old Virgin was a good movie but would you really want to be involved with that? Yuck.

 

Obviously, dating a still-married man going through divorce is a red-flag and a risk but but since the divorce rate is 50% the chances that a guy will complete the process are probably high. Besides, all love is a risk. People date lots more people than they marry. Relationships inherently have a high failure rate. I would consider dating a separated man again, but I would be far more cautious before getting deeply involved. I'd use stringent criteria learned by experience to evaluate the situation before proceeding.

 

The cautionary tale that you relate about the non-married couple living together is, while terrific advice, not relevant to this discussion. Neither Karma, nor I were expecting to be with married men long-term. Divorce was a key milestone in our future plans.

 

I guess there is the religious/moral aspect, but I don't subscribe to that regarding separated men. To each his own. Pursuing a married man living with his wife, OTOH, should be punishable by death, and I don't even believe in the death penalty (guess how my marriage ended :-))

 

 

I am sorry you view my words a criticism. And no it isn't easy being in a relationship. I don't have to be with a MM to know that. I do know that the "extra baggage" of being married to someone else is something that can be avoided, moral aspect aside. Common sense dictates self preservation and the added emotional conflict of dealing with " will he or won't he divorce" isn't necessary for survival.

 

I never saw the 40 year old virgin. I perfer action movies. The more bullets the better.

[NewSunrise]

I never saw the 40 year old virgin. I perfer action movies. The more bullets the better.

I never saw it either!..

 

When a WS goes back home...it usually means that "S/HE'S NOT THAT INTO YOU" anymore. Now that's a movie I'd like to see.

[jj33]

Wow, New Sunrisemust be a really miserable person to feel the need to take potshots at posters in pain.

 

Karma there is so much involved in a marriage. Its not a competition. He may love you far more than he loves or ever loved his wife but there is a history there, there are the issues with his children, there are broader ties that can be difficult to unwind.

 

I hope you are feeling better soon.

[NewSunrise]

Wow, New Sunrisemust be a really miserable person to feel the need to take potshots at posters in pain.

Huh? Ok, jj, stop reading between the lines. This wasn't directed at the poster. Wasn't directed at the poster. Lighten up.

 

ALL of which many BS and their WS find worth coming together to regroup and try again.

 

Karma--your emotions are no different from what BS goes through. Pain of betrayal hits both sides whether or not you're the betrayed OW/OM or BS. Carhill gave you this great advice.

OP, you took a risk and you made an effort, an effort borne of love and emotion. You'll carry that within you as part of your life experience. If you learn from it and solidify or change your perspective as a result, it will become part of your joy of existence. Perhaps "joy" sounds wrong right now, but, in time, I think you'll find the memory to be so. Go on, and love again. It's the human thing to do

So take it one day at a time.

 

You wrote the following:

Would I ever date a separated man again? NO! Do I regret getting involved with this separated man? NO! Despite the outcome, he brought me back from a dark place as a result of my own divorce.

And here's another advice.

 

You needed to go through this in order to find YOU. But you're far from there. To find YOU, you have to get to a point in your life where you are COMPLETELY content and comfortable with being alone. This is a problem for humans because we are social beings. And this is how people get themselves in trouble because they don't know how to figure out how to be alone without feeling lonely, unwanted or "loser".

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being alone kids or no kids. There is joy in it.

 

You will be fine. Just remember that his choice is not a reflection on you. It's a reflection on his own failure. And you may helped him realize it.

 

Good luck.

[jj33]

Huh?

ALL of which many BS and their WS find worth coming together to regroup and try again.

 

 

My point exactly its not necessarily because of a great love for the spouse its everything that is a part of the marriage.

[NewSunrise]

ALL of which many BS and their WS find worth coming together to regroup and try again.

My point exactly its not necessarily because of a great love for the spouse its everything that is a part of the marriage

Ooookay.....

 

On the other hand, perhaps the affair with Karma might've been the "lightning rod" that made him realize that there IS and have always been that great love in that marriage no matter how infested their M is by their affairs.

 

Affairs will either break a marriage or make it stronger. Unfortunately, someone ALWAYS gets hurt. Affairs leave long term deep wounds. Tragically, for some, they are unable to completely recover from it.

[Karma101]

Ugh... I'd rather not think that my relationship w/ him was a light bulb that made him realize that their marriage was worth trying to save. In hindsight, it was not him that did not want to save their marriage, it was her. For 2 years she has gone back and forth and about wanting him, not wanting him, and ultimately going back to her BF. She did the same exact thing this time around. She snapped her fingers, and off he went.