Why is she doing this ....?

[mendsley]

I am completely confused, as some of you know my wife left me a little over a month ago after a ten year marriage. I still believe it was problems we both had, more so me than her and I am seeing a counselor for that. But she told me to quit saying "I love you" because it makes her feel like she has to say it back.

 

She also said she felt like I was more like a friend to her now and she does not see it changing. Well I tried the whole begging and pleading thing for a couple of weeks with no luck. So I started talking to my couselor and he said give her space and quit begging which is pushing her away. I stopped the begging and started talking to her as a person, which I know I have not done in a while. She was responsive to that she actully calls me every once in awhile and says she is calling to check up on me.

 

Well When we talk she is real carefull when she speaks, she does not give me any type of impression that there is a future between us. She never says I miss you, or I have been thinking of you, and or maybe later on we can see a counselor. I have tell her I miss you and the kids, and I always think of you, and the other day I texted her about maybe seeing a marriage counselor. She never responds to any of that, so I am getting the impression she has moved on. Please do not take this wrong way but I feel she is talking to me because she is financially struggling. I feel obligated to give her money when she asks for it, we were married for 10 years and she has all the kids. Should I not do that any more?

 

I have made plans with her and the kids over thanksgiving weekend and she agreed to them and said she is excited about it. But for some reason every time we talk I get excited but at the same time I think "She does not want to go any where with our relationship, why am I putting myself thru this pain?". I am afraid if I to not contact her it will lead into her not coming closer to me, but it really hurts when I hang up with her. Thanks guys for any feedback you may have

[pelicanpreacher]

I'd say you might want to back off the relationship talks for a bit. Start thinking of activities that you haven't done together for a while or new ones that might pique her interests. When's the last time you took her out for dinner(semi-romantic for now) or surprised her with a day for two at a day-spa where you both can enjoy a nice massage together? Remember to flatter her whenever possible but make it real. Refrain from the I love you's and whatever because that puts too much pressure on her to feel things that aren't there yet!

 

Right now she feels as though you're just a friend and I'm guessing that the romance department has fallen off over time. Chip your way back into her heart by complimenting her on the little things, going out of your way to make plans to do things you know she'd enjoy (that means even taking her out to see a "chick flick"), and sneak a little hand holding while taking long walks in this nice autumn air when you can.

[jasperlynx]

How do you do things like that when she does not even like him. Doing stuff like that is a waste of time . Just give her space...and ride the wave..be nice and dont hound her or call her or anything. Just be a man take care of your family with love and financial needs, and if she does not respond immediattly or within months(whats a couple of months, compared to not having her at all). Then you can move on. trust me

[n9688m]

Why does she have the kids?

 

Why don't you want them half the time?

[hyoctane]

I believe that you are going though one of the five phases of grief... I have been through a similar situation with my wife (going though a divorce) and I have seen the light and I'm sure you will too.

 

You need to do some introspection... take a look at yourself and see why you are acting the way you are. You were an "individual" before this relationship, and now you need to get back to your roots and become comfortable with you again -- make your life interesting again. What originally attracted her to you was your independence and ability to take care of yourself. Did you play any sports before your marriage? get back out there and work on that... Did you enjoy working and tinkering on your car? Do it again. Give YOURSELF some space... You are pushing her away with texts, emails, calls, etc. You will find that once you begin to take care of yourself and STOP trying to get in contact with her that she will wonder about you... Have YOU moved on? What is HE up to? Why isn't he calling ME? Give it some time (I did) and now I have moved on... granted I still love her with all of my heart -- but I have also been wronged too. It takes two to tangle and you weren't the soul reason the marriage has faltered.

 

About those five stages of grief, take a look and see where you are. Once I found out about these I was AMAZED that I followed this exact path. I was in the "bargaining" phase when I saw these and it was a true eye opener. I hope you find solace in the fact that you AREN'T alone and things will improve... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

[jasperlynx]

how do you move on when your still in the same house because of financial reasons. Thats what i want to know. How do you move on when your in limbo. Living upstairs while your wife is downstairs, acting for the kids because they dont know.

[n9688m]

how do you move on when your still in the same house because of financial reasons. Thats what i want to know. How do you move on when your in limbo. Living upstairs while your wife is downstairs, acting for the kids because they dont know.

 

I did this for 4 months. It was not easy but we used it as a transition phase for the kids. The key was that we had "mom's days" and "dad's days" for meals and childcare to help introduce the kids to the concept of what was to come.