I want her to marry ME, not this other guy...

[ilovemeady]

first off I am so grateful that you are reading this post because at this point, I need some guidance in my life as I am so afraid to screw it up more. 2ndly please excuse my grammar and organization it is hard to write… but, again, thanks.

 

Meety(18)(name changed by moderator): a girl I truly felt like I can live with for the rest of my life. Have not seen another else who is cute as her and talks so well with me. She is in a relationship for 2.5 years but she cries many many nights talking to her boyfriend who lives 800 miles away.

 

Me(20): a logical person in general but when it comes to heart-churning moments, it is hard to appeal to reason and my emotions over take me, and I cry out my pains to meety (losing my cool, to simply put). People consider me a really nice person, I usually do not go after girls with boyfriends already but this one really caught my heart. I liked many people in the past but only two people made my heart melt. And she is one of them, that is why I am so unwilling to give up.

 

I have only known her for 1.5 month, but we talked average 2 hrs on the phone everyday. I have visited her four times in total, and both of us liked each other more and more. She lives 300 miles away, and she has this jerk boyfriend who says mean things such as she is only a sex tool for him and he does not care for her at times. To my judgment, the boyfriend is inconsiderate, physically unappealing, and mean (others say this).

 

We started to like each other more and more and I know I love her at this point. The farthest we gone is I had her in my arms and we kissed, that was the best day of my life until the next day something happened. She like(d?) me and I love her. (on top of that, all her friends tell her to give me a chance, her family likes me more than her boyfriend, so I have outside support)

 

Meety is a good girl and is very considerate of other’s opinions and feelings. Sometimes I feel she rather sacrifice herself. She had sex with her boyfriend before, maybe before the summer, and now her boyfriend wants them to get married because his parents are asking if they had sex. Meety does not want to get married but she might have to if her parents find out (it is in the culture). So she got very stressed and she made up her mind to tell me to forget about her, because she said she does not want to see me hurt. Now, she MADE up her mind and it is pretty hard at this point to change it. I tried but she is ambivalent herself, she still let me touch her hand and I can see the feelings in her eyes but she pulls away from my hugs or kisses.

 

Right now, she wants me to be a normal friend, and she feels guilty for kissing me before since now she might have to marry her boyfriend against her will. She is talking to me less now, and I can feel the same feeling from before is almost gone, a tiny little barrier exist between us.

 

Imagine, the girl you love and you finally found after a long searching is about to disappear from your life, leaving the good memories that brings aching to your heart. You know the best thing is probably to forget about her like she said, but in the back of your mind you are thinking about her happiness as well, and you know that you will be a better soulmate for her because there is nothing in the world that you can love more. Tick tock, time is running out…

 

Please give me advice, I can no longer see the world the same way i see before, I used to be cool and confident, but no longer... I have brought my self so low, so pathetic, if only what I choose to gave up can change someone else's mind and let her realize her heart again.

[Lovegod]

Let's list all the problems, and there's LOTS of them...

 

Meety(18):

 

We start with her age. She's 18 years old. Women don't even begin to be ready for a long term relationship until somewhere around their mid-20s and older. Meady has yet to experience life, partying, and other men before she's ready to settle down.

 

I personally hated dating women in their late teens and early 20s. They're still very immature and have a LOT of growing up to do before they're ready for commitment (and some will NEVER be ready)

 

she cries many many nights talking to her boyfriend who lives 800 miles away.

 

If you are extremely experienced in attracting women, getting rid of her bf is a piece of cake. However, if you are clueless (and it sounds like you very well could be clueless when it comes to women), you will not have an easy time.

 

my emotions over take me, and I cry out my pains to meety

 

Why? She doesn't need to hear you cry. Women are not attracted to men who vomit their feelings all over them.

 

I have only known her for 1.5 month, but we talked average 2 hrs on the phone everyday.

 

Women talk to their girlfriends for an average of 2 hours on the phone. You have essentially become one of her girlfriends, and women do NOT date their friends.

 

She lives 300 miles away,

 

Now we're getting into long distance relationship territory. Attracting a woman is best done in person, not over the phone. A female will respond to your body language, eye contact, and your touch much better than she will respond to only your words and your voice.

 

she has this jerk boyfriend

 

The jerk boyfriend doesn't vomit all her problems for two hours on the phone every day. He treats her like crap, she may not like the treatment, but it adds drama to her life and makes it interesting. You add nothing to her life by meowing all your problems into the phone.

 

nw, she wants me to be a normal friend

 

Exactly. You're not interesting enough to replace her jerk boyfriend.

 

Imagine, the girl you love and you finally found after a long searching is about to disappear from your life,

 

I had it happen and I survived. There's always a better woman out there. If she leaves, I'll find another one.

 

and you know that you will be a better soulmate

 

The "soulmate" belief is a load of crap. Unless you've dated every woman in the world, you will NOT have what you call a "soulmate" because there's a high chance of the existance of a woman who better suits you.

 

So now you're asking the question "What should I do about Meady?" Well, she's taken, she's not interested in you romantically (your ideal mate WILL be interested in you romantically), and she's too young for anything remotely serious. It's time to ditch Meady and find a woman who is single and WANTS to spend time with you. When a woman is interested, she will MAKE excuses to spend time with you instead of making excuses to avoid you.

[Angel1111]

 

Why? She doesn't need to hear you cry. Women are not attracted to men who vomit their feelings all over them.

 

This is true - women don't want a man who's an emotional mess. If he's emotionally stable and occasionally shows his emotions toward her - that's a little different. But even then, those incidents need to be few and far between.

 

Women talk to their girlfriends for an average of 2 hours on the phone. You have essentially become one of her girlfriends, and women do NOT date their friends.

 

Not true for me at all. While I may talk to my friends for a long time, when I talk to a man for a long time, it doesn't mean that I have put him in the same category as my friends. If I spend that much time talking to a guy, I'm seriously interested in him.

 

Now we're getting into long distance relationship territory. Attracting a woman is best done in person, not over the phone. A female will respond to your body language, eye contact, and your touch much better than she will respond to only your words and your voice.

 

I disagree with this. If there's an attraction between the two of you, it doesn't matter if you're long distance or not.

 

The jerk boyfriend doesn't vomit all her problems for two hours on the phone every day. He treats her like crap, she may not like the treatment, but it adds drama to her life and makes it interesting. You add nothing to her life by meowing all your problems into the phone.

 

While I agree that she's young and immature, I'm not sure she's enamoured with the bf. It sounds like culture or religious beliefs are stepping in this situation, which is causing her to feel extremely conflicted. The truth is, at her age, it's no one's business if she has had sex with that guy or not. But because she's letting this influence her a great deal, and she can't even see a way around it, she's turning away from you - or trying to. What you need to do is to stop chasing and pursuing her because if she learns what it's really like not to have you in her life, she may decide to buck the system and go with you. But your biggest problem is her beliefs and how she's letting herself be controlled by them. This is a worse problem than if she wasn't attracted to you at all. But it is her choice and even if you could convince her otherwise, her guilt would overwhelm her. This is a decision she has to make on her own. She is apparently accustomed to being told what to do and is apparently ok with it. I was raised in a strict religion and have since left it. But I can assure you that no one would've made me marry anyone. I had my limits. She doesn't seem to. And therein lies your biggest obstacle.

 

Exactly. You're not interesting enough to replace her jerk boyfriend.

 

From what you say, I think she's very attracted and interested in you. But you're having to butt your head up against a brick wall with this culture thing. It may not be possible to get around it.

 

 

In a nutshell, I do think this girl feels strongly about you but is conflicted about what she's being told to do. If she's avoiding you, the best thing to do may be to back off for awhile and let her make her own decision. With so many people stepping in and telling her what to do, you need to be someone who is NOT doing that. It's just more added pressure on her and she doesn't need it. She can comfortably turn from you when you do it because you're not her parents. But if you limit how much you talk to her, and stop trying to influence her, you have more potential to get better results.

 

When you do talk to her, just listen to her and don't offer advice. Say to her - just once - that she knows how you feel about her and that you would be very sad to see her with someone else, but you also understand that's her choice and you'll respect her decision either way. Do not cry when you say this, do not act like an emotional mess. You need to be the person she would turn to for support - not the guy that she needs to support. Get the difference? I don't get the impression that she cares at all for this guy she dated. If she has any sense or any gumption whatsoever, she'll put the brakes on this ridiculous marriage. If she doesn't, then you have to let her make her own choices. As hard as that may be, sometimes that's what love involves.

[ilovemeady]

 

Why? She doesn't need to hear you cry. Women are not attracted to men who vomit their feelings all over them.

 

This is true - women don't want a man who's an emotional mess. If he's emotionally stable and occasionally shows his emotions toward her - that's a little different. But even then, those incidents need to be few and far between.

 

Women talk to their girlfriends for an average of 2 hours on the phone. You have essentially become one of her girlfriends, and women do NOT date their friends.

 

Not true for me at all. While I may talk to my friends for a long time, when I talk to a man for a long time, it doesn't mean that I have put him in the same category as my friends. If I spend that much time talking to a guy, I'm seriously interested in him.

 

Now we're getting into long distance relationship territory. Attracting a woman is best done in person, not over the phone. A female will respond to your body language, eye contact, and your touch much better than she will respond to only your words and your voice.

 

I disagree with this. If there's an attraction between the two of you, it doesn't matter if you're long distance or not.

 

The jerk boyfriend doesn't vomit all her problems for two hours on the phone every day. He treats her like crap, she may not like the treatment, but it adds drama to her life and makes it interesting. You add nothing to her life by meowing all your problems into the phone.

 

While I agree that she's young and immature, I'm not sure she's enamoured with the bf. It sounds like culture or religious beliefs are stepping in this situation, which is causing her to feel extremely conflicted. The truth is, at her age, it's no one's business if she has had sex with that guy or not. But because she's letting this influence her a great deal, and she can't even see a way around it, she's turning away from you - or trying to. What you need to do is to stop chasing and pursuing her because if she learns what it's really like not to have you in her life, she may decide to buck the system and go with you. But your biggest problem is her beliefs and how she's letting herself be controlled by them. This is a worse problem than if she wasn't attracted to you at all. But it is her choice and even if you could convince her otherwise, her guilt would overwhelm her. This is a decision she has to make on her own. She is apparently accustomed to being told what to do and is apparently ok with it. I was raised in a strict religion and have since left it. But I can assure you that no one would've made me marry anyone. I had my limits. She doesn't seem to. And therein lies your biggest obstacle.

 

Exactly. You're not interesting enough to replace her jerk boyfriend.

 

From what you say, I think she's very attracted and interested in you. But you're having to butt your head up against a brick wall with this culture thing. It may not be possible to get around it.

 

 

 

In a nutshell, I do think this girl feels strongly about you but is conflicted about what she's being told to do. If she's avoiding you, the best thing to do may be to back off for awhile and let her make her own decision. With so many people stepping in and telling her what to do, you need to be someone who is NOT doing that. It's just more added pressure on her and she doesn't need it. She can comfortably turn from you when you do it because you're not her parents. But if you limit how much you talk to her, and stop trying to influence her, you have more potential to get better results.

 

When you do talk to her, just listen to her and don't offer advice. Say to her - just once - that she knows how you feel about her and that you would be very sad to see her with someone else, but you also understand that's her choice and you'll respect her decision either way. Do not cry when you say this, do not act like an emotional mess. You need to be the person she would turn to for support - not the guy that she needs to support. Get the difference? I don't get the impression that she cares at all for this guy she dated. If she has any sense or any gumption whatsoever, she'll put the brakes on this ridiculous marriage. If she doesn't, then you have to let her make her own choices. As hard as that may be, sometimes that's what love involves.

 

Lovegod, maybe you can learn to talk nicer online. You'll get better jobs and be better off if you can learn to be two-faced in real life and talk less viciously. Anyways, I guess we just attract different types of women... hope you are not attracting the wrong kind.

 

Angel, thanks for standing up for me, it is a bit of a shock to hear the other guy's comment but I've heard what he had to say and ignored what he wants to imply.

 

Thanks for all the help, well I tried to forget about her and move on, well at least pretend that I moved on so she might have easier time to deal with it her self but, she started to call me alot and apparently now she really can't let me go.

 

I guess at some point i was wondering where i am in her life so I said, "you still like mong (current bf) more than me huh* with a teasing way

 

she said: "no no... don't say that"

 

"so which one do you like more?"

 

she replied "ermm, ermmm I can't answer that."

 

hmmm I am not exactly sure what to make of that but it seemed like she liked me more but she will not admit it.

 

But anyhow… I guess it’s a long way but I will need to have her by my side first, then we can face her parents and this whole cultural thing together. I am optimistic for now.

 

Thanks for all the help, I am going to see her this sunday and she said she'd cook lunch for me, wish me luck!

[BlueHarvest]

Meady lovegod is telling you want you NEED to hear, not what you WANT to hear. Just because what lovegod said was something that you didn't want to hear doesn't make him/her "a person who needs to learn to speak nicer online".

 

Take the advice for what it's worth. You don't want it, then don't ask for it.

[Char.isma]

Yeah, I'm agreeing with Lovegod. It seems like it comes down to 2 things you can do to figure this out:

 

Solution #1: Dethrone "Mong" by showing her how interesting, cool, and awesome you are. (Not very likely)

 

OR

 

Solution #2: Back away from "Meety" and prove how much you mean to her and have her chase you. (Also not all that likely due to the cultural thing)

 

And finally you could just keep on the same path and feel the heartache for the longest time possible only to end up losing your girl.