He lied to me

[blind_otter]

Many of you know about the issues I have with my S/O. He has a drinking problem. He goes for weeks sometimes, without taking a single drink - then he will break down and stay out all night, drinking until he passes out. He'd been pretty good about things - hasn't had a breakdown in a few months.

 

Anyway, the reason my post is in this section is because things went down a little differently than they previously have. First off, he lied to me outright. He left the house with no real purpose. I didn't call him until I had the baby put to sleep, a little after 10pm. I asked where he was, he said a friend's house that I know drinks very heavily (he has since I've known him when we were in college together), so I asked my S/O outright if he was drinking and he just lied to me and said no. The thing is, in the past, he has always been honest about it, even when it pissed me off. It was the least he could do, I thought.

 

So he didn't get home until around 5am, which is par for the course when he goes out drinking. He usually passes out around 3am, wakes up at 5 and drives home.

 

This time, he came inside and laid on the couch in the living room. The only reason I woke up was because he had trouble with the lock in the front door. Normally he at least tries to get into bed with me, but I do banish him to the couch each and every time he tries to get into bed, so I assumed he was just skipping some usual steps.

 

Then, the weird part, is that he got up from the couch 3 hours later and took a bath. He usually just passes out and sleeps all day, I cannot recall him ever taking a shower or bath when he got home from drinking.

 

The baby was up by the time he was out of the bath. Usually when the baby wakes up we spend time in my bed together, "talking" to each other. My S/O came into the room and wanted to see the baby. I was angry, of course.

 

Out of nowhere he mentions that his phone accidentally called a friend of mine, let's call her Tori, at 4am. He has historically hated Tori, in the past. Once he even went to bed at 7:30pm to avoid seeing her because she was coming over to hang out with me. I don't know why he hates Tori, but he always has, and as a result I haven't hung out with her in many weeks. Probably since the baby was a few weeks old (he's 3 months old now).

 

First he said that he just looked down and his phone was calling Tori for some reason. That seems odd, her name isn't in any way positioned in his contact list so you could just accidentally press a button and call her. Then, his story changed and he said he was calling me, and accidentally called her. Then, the story changed again - he was trying to call me, chickened out, tried to call another friend of ours that we appropriately call "Gay Ted" (because he is a flamingly gay little asian man), and then accidentally called Tori - which would make sense, since their names are next to each other on the contact list - but why didn't he say that in the first place?

 

I think he's full of sh*t. My S/O, I mean.

 

I don't know. Do you think that his story sounds insanely stupid? I do.

[Citizen Erased]

Covering his arse about Tori and the coming home and having a bath thing is very suss. Could be reading too much into it but seems like something is up...

[blind_otter]

He hasn't ever been unfaithful or even given any indication that he had the capacity to do so, in the past...but I do agree his actions are very suspect. He denies that anything happened, but I have been cheated on in the past and I have also cheated in the past, and I know the classic script is "deny, deny, deny..."

 

[amaysngrace]

The baby is gorgeous. Kiss him for me.

 

I don't know Otter, sounds like a drunk move to me. Today you're probably going to hear from Tori asking why the phone call at 4am.

 

If you don't then maybe call her to apologize for it and see how she reacts.

 

Or you could also try to jump his bones when the baby's napping and see if he has the energy to do you. Sniff his undies? Someone here did that before.

 

I don't know....

[MichelleS1983]

Your SO is what's known as a 'binge drinker.' He's an alcoholic who chooses not to drink every day. But he's still an alcoholic. Being very honest, his is not the most desirable gene pool from which to breed. You've tied yourself to a lifetime of this behavior unless he actually hits bottom and decides to clean himself up. Good luck to you with that. I don't envy your position. Been there, done that, and ran screaming into the night, never looking back.

 

Of course his story is bullsh*t. When something simply doesn't make sense, it's not the truth. The fact that he had to come up with 3 or 4 lame, nonsensical stories before coming up with one that might actually be plausible, speaks volumes.

 

I know this is high school silliness, but when I was 16 and exclusively dating my 19 year old boyfriend, he despised my friend Sandy. DESPISED her. Yet, when I spent that summer visiting relatives in another state, she told me that he'd given her a ride in his car (which amazed me enough to begin with) and that he took her to 'our' spot where we used to have some privacy - and tried to get her to have sex with him.

 

Yup, he tried to hit on the very friend of mine he so despised.

 

Who knows what was going on in your SO's alcohol-laden brain at 4:00 AM? What SHOULD have been going through his mind is that he's a supposed ADULT whose recently brought a child into the world and he can't be acting like an irresponsible jackass drinking like a stupid teenager and passing out on some loser's couch.

[melodymatters]

Sorry BO !

 

Well here's one little persons opinion.

 

I know you have chosen a path of complete sobriety and good for you ! I don't know though, if it's fair to choose that for someone else.

 

It seems your SO is pretty "under control", if he leaves the house, drinks away from you and the baby, and doesn't drive drunk, once every 3 months or so. I know many people who would be thrilled with that 'deal".

 

as for the calling though, that smells like BS to me. I have been around a lot of liars, and i can not think of one good, honest reason to change your story four friggen times !

 

good luck, sweetie !

[LucreziaBorgia]

Could he have thrown up on himself and realized he needed to bathe?

 

I'm sorry about the lying thing. That sounds pretty damning, but sometimes when people lie they have to keep coming up with something along the lines of more lies because they know the last thing they said didn't sound plausible and they know it.

 

I'm not sure what to make of the 'he hates Tori' thing. It sounds suspicious, and to be honest, I've pulled that 'I hate so-and-so' ruse before.

 

Explore all possibilities though. Maybe he did accidentally call her, and knowing that you had been cheated on before tried to come up with something thinking you would call bullsh*t on the 'accidental' part.

 

At any rate, your baby is so adorable!! Gives me a bit of baby fever myself.

[blind_otter]

If you don't then maybe call her to apologize for it and see how she reacts.

 

Or you could also try to jump his bones when the baby's napping and see if he has the energy to do you. Sniff his undies? Someone here did that before.

 

I don't know....

 

Well I know she works today, so I will probably try calling her later and see what her reaction is. Someone tried to call me at 9am, which is right before she goes to work, but they hung up....I don't have caller ID.

 

The baby is napping now. Unfortunately, so is S/O. He was up all morning throwing up.

 

Yup, he tried to hit on the very friend of mine he so despised.

 

Who knows what was going on in your SO's alcohol-laden brain at 4:00 AM? What SHOULD have been going through his mind is that he's a supposed ADULT whose recently brought a child into the world and he can't be acting like an irresponsible jackass drinking like a stupid teenager and passing out on some loser's couch.

 

This is what concerns me. I have always pressed him to explain why he hates Tori so much, and he has never been able to explain it to my satisfaction. It seems to me like one cannot have strong feelings for someone unless they elicit a strong reaction in you. I dislike plenty of his friends, but the most emotion they elicit in me is a mild distaste or repulsion, no passionate anger.

 

As for the second paragraph - well, I had those exact thoughts myself, peppered with more expletives.

 

It seems your SO is pretty "under control", if he leaves the house, drinks away from you and the baby, and doesn't drive drunk, once every 3 months or so. I know many people who would be thrilled with that 'deal".

 

as for the calling though, that smells like BS to me. I have been around a lot of liars, and i can not think of one good, honest reason to change your story four friggen times !

 

good luck, sweetie !

 

Thanks, mel. I've struggled with this concept myself - he only does this occasionally. I should just deal with it. The thing that really burns me is the lying, though. Maybe I'm just lying to myself, but I think I would be able to accept it more if he were open and honest about it: "I'm going out to get drunk tonight, don't expect me home." vs. "I'm going to my brother's house, I'll be home in 2-3 hours." (followed by a phone call in 4 hours, an argument, and then him turning his phone off).

 

Could he have thrown up on himself and realized he needed to bathe?

 

I'm sorry about the lying thing. That sounds pretty damning, but sometimes when people lie they have to keep coming up with something along the lines of more lies because they know the last thing they said didn't sound plausible and they know it.

 

I'm not sure what to make of the 'he hates Tori' thing. It sounds suspicious, and to be honest, I've pulled that 'I hate so-and-so' ruse before.

 

Explore all possibilities though. Maybe he did accidentally call her, and knowing that you had been cheated on before tried to come up with something thinking you would call bullsh*t on the 'accidental' part.

 

At any rate, your baby is so adorable!! Gives me a bit of baby fever myself.

 

There's no evidence of vomit anywhere in the house. I would smell it, I'm sure. My nose is super sensitive. He said that he didn't feel well and wanted to take a bath to feel better. It's a possibility, I do that all the time, but it's uncharacteristic of him.

 

I've pulled the "I hate so and so" ruse before, myself.

 

I'm not going to do anything hasty, but I have some proof that the story he told me is not true - I checked his cellphone, and he actually called the friend that he was supposedly hanging out with at 1:45am, but he claims that he was at this guy's house all night.

 

I'm just going to give S/O another opportunity to tell the truth when he wakes up. I'm also going to call Tori. We'll see what happens.

 

Thanks for the input guys, I just don't trust my own instincts anymore. My instincts have led me into trouble before.

[Vertex]

Judging solely off the information you've provided, I'd have to say something's up. This type of rationalization, coupled with the obvious inconsistencies, is usually indicative of foul play. Occam's Razor tends to be absurdly accurate when it comes to this sort of thing, especially when there are multiple points that have a high-correlation cross-supporting unifying explanation.

 

-Taking a bath out of nowhere? Probably "washing off any scent/evidence."

-Mentioning Tori out of the blue? Perhaps to preemptively explain any potential contact made by Tori in the future with some weak pseudo-plausible explanation.

-However, the fact that a seemingly innocuous story had to be re-fabricated a few times to be fully plausible is a huge, huge red flag. This sort of thing, in my opinion, is a dead giveaway. I've seen this type of re-rationalization too many times when someone is trying to cover their ass.

-The phone call inconsistency is also a clear giveaway that he was not being entirely forthcoming. I'm not sure why he'd call in the first place, other than to perhaps tell him to feed you a bull story if you happen to call the friend asking about your SO's whereabouts. Or, it is possible that he was at the house, left, and called later, etc. There are many explanations, but I think it's clear that he spent a significant amount of time NOT at the friend's house at some given point.

 

In general, all of these things, in conjunction, lean more heavily towards your SO lying to you, as opposed to otherwise. I'm having a hard time coming up with an honest, plausible explanation that would better explain all these points.

[Kamille]

I'm so sorry BO! sounds like a complicated mess. Stay grounded - no matter what happens you know you'll pull through.

[sandrawg]

I have an idea-why not call the friend whose house he was supposedly at, to confirm his story? You don't have to explain the real reason you're calling but you could say, "I think >your SO's name< may have left >some object< at your house last night."

 

Then if he goes ">SO< wasn't AT my house last night."

 

BUSTED

 

It's possible he stepped out to buy beer or something, then called his friend to see what kind of beer the guy wanted....you never know.

 

As for the Tori thing, yeah that smells like hooey to me, too. Not sure what's up with that. Call her and see what she says.

[Ronni_W]

Sorry for what you're going through, BO.

 

I have an idea-why not call the friend whose house he was supposedly at, to confirm his story?

My thoughts kinda went in the same direction -- maybe he was NOT lying about not drinking, but WAS lying about being at his friend's.

 

I like the idea of calling Tori to say sorry for drunken Hubby waking her up at 4AM...and see the response/reaction you get back.

 

(((hugs))). No matter what is the real truth of it, it still sucks.

[allina]

So what if he did something? Something even wore than leaving you alone while you were pregnant and now alone with his child to get trashed? He thinks there are no consequences so he just feeds you poorly constructed bs stories.

 

I think you developed a horrible pattern with him a long time ago. He does whatever he wants, treats you however he wants then he comes home, deals with you being angry for a couple hours, then things are back to normal.

 

You have a child with this man and you can't even get a straight answer out of him. You can't trust him. I don't know, this situation has always made me so sad. I just can't comprehend it. Your poor son is going to grow up seeing this. I wish you wouldn't allow this pattern to continue. But now it has become the norm for him, and it's escalating.

[Lishy]

Have you called Tori yet?

 

If not then just call her and talk normally and do not mention your SO - If she does not mention it then it is very suspect as she would ask you why he called as she would be concerned it was about you that he was calling

 

I think you need to not make any excuses for him and realise that your son cannot witness this - It is not normal behaviour to have to go out and not come home because you are blind drunk, not normal and not healthy - And he is a liar to boot!

 

I think it is all a big mess and I am sending you a big {{{{HUG}}}}}

[2sunny]

my advice BO -

 

stay out of it! and get yourself pronto to an al anon meeting. he's making choices that aren't good and you really don't need the consequences of his bad choices and all the wondering (questions, things not making sense) that goes along with this. you will make yourself crazy if you continue this way.

 

• don't ask him about last night (what? to hear more lies? to catch him?)
  
• don't call Tori or anyone else - it will only make you look desperate and have to justify his bad behavior.
  
• don't expect him to give you answers or give you the peace of mind you know is impossible right now... he's still drinking - remember?
  
• it's the disease speaking...
  

 

YOU do have choices honey! (((((BO))))) BIG hugs!!!

 

• al anon mtg - yep, get a sponsor there too!
  
• set your boundaries - stick to them (this may include not having him around for a while until his evidence proves that he deserves it).
  
• ((((BO))))
  
• take care of self first.
  
• stay out of his business! his problem - not yours!
  
• keep your side of the street clean.
  

 

god BO - my heart goes out to you - this will be hard - but you know what you need to do. love you honey... you deserve the best BO... you have done so much hard work to be in a great place. you have been given the gift of a child. now it is time to focus on your best interest as well as your son's future.

 

be safe and happy. keep posting. xo

[2sunny]

also BO - is this the best your Dad would want for you in a man?

 

just asking... if you answer honestly - then that will tell you what you need to do... and THAT my dear is keeping your Dad close to your heart!

[blind_otter]

My Dad would be disappointed in me. But he was an alcoholic until he was not physically able to drink anymore. He drank a jug of red wine a night, then switched to beer. The only time I remember him not drinking was when he started to have his issues with lung cancer. I guess that means, he would want me to be with someone better than him? But you know, growing up I never thought it was bad to drink so much - Dad never got angry or went out all night, he just got mellow, then sleepy, then passed out.

 

Well I did casually call Tori and she had no idea that my S/O had "accidentally" (if that's what it was) had called her. She doesn't even know what his phone number is, there was just a random call at 4am. The call duration was only a minute long, and then he immediately called our friend Gay Ted.

 

And my friend, the drunk, was happy to hear from me since we haven't spoken since I stopped doing cocaine. Turns out that he had a little "accident" right about when I stopped speaking to him and now has custody of a nearly 2 year old daughter.

 

I've been threatening to go to an alanon meeting for years now. I guess, in the past, I was trying to give him the leeway to get to the point where he wanted to be sober because I had so many addiction issues some of them for nearly 10 years. I know that it can take a long time to get to the point where you even want to be sober, and then after you WANT to be sober, it takes an additionally long time to actually achieve sobriety.

 

Since there is so much time that elapses between his slip ups, it's easy for me to rationalize things. It's been more than 3 months since his last escapade. Some people might say that it's perfectly normal behavior. Heck, a few women in my playgroup have complained of the same issues with their husbands. They don't mention anything about alcoholism, just that it's inconsiderate, selfish behavior.

 

I am thinking about spending time apart from him. He will want to see his son every day, though. He's very attached to him. So I will have to see my S/O every day, anyway, and I cannot restrict his access to his child just because I need to sort things out in my head.

 

I do know that I am bound and determined to maintain an intact family. It is extremely important to me that my child has a mother and a father around. I would probably be doing something more drastic if this was happening all the time, TBH. But its not, so I can't rationalize doing something really drastic.

[amaysngrace]

I would probably be doing something more drastic if this was happening all the time, TBH. But its not, so I can't rationalize doing something really drastic.

 

 

2Sunny's post was awesome.

 

She's right to keep your side of the street clean. That's all you can do. He's going to do what he's been doing and if that's an okay deal with you then I'm not going to say differently. One day out of ninety doesn't sound so bad where I come from. That one day might be just what he needs to keep him being good to you the other 89. I don't know. I'm not him.

 

Melody made some excellent points too. I would love to have the deal you have. Truly I would.

 

You have a lot on your plate right now. You're probably tired and fuzzy and you smell like puke a little. It doesn't exactly put you on top of your sexy game, you know? Free time is spent napping and doing puke smelling laundry and it really leaves little time to shave your legs. But don't go down the suspicious path. It's natural to lose some sexy when you have a newborn. But you'll get it back.

 

Try to do something nice for yourself today. Your world revolves around your lovey and rightly so but it's very important for your own well-being to take just a smidge of your time for you.

 

So go pretty yourself up. You'll feel so much better. And then maybe take the baby for a walk, get out and be seen.

[2sunny]

i think the al anon meeting will help put a few key things in perspective BO.

 

it will allow you a great perspective about taking care of you and you only.

 

what he does or doesn't do is not your problem... it's his deal.

 

how to cope with the feelings when he is "out there" is what you'll gain perspective on. this will give you strength in coping.

 

who cares what he's doing or done? that's HIS problem. take care of self! let his deal go... you will get your sanity back... your actions and reactions yesterday are fear based... do you recognize that?

 

and remember that it is not healthy to expend more energy than the one with the problem is spending. thus, keeping your side of the street clean and not worrying about his side.

 

you do your deal and let him do his... oh ya - figure out your boundaries and stick to them.

[BlindNoMore]

Hey BO.....I read your thread and feel your pain. I have to say....though that

 

Had he actually "accidently" called her...he would have said that the first time (common sense) If it was really accidental....and he isnt normally a liar....he would have just said "oh BTW I knocked my phone at 4am and I noticed it was calling "Tori" I hung up immediately but in case you hear from her thats what happened. But to change his story 3 TIMES?? I mean REALLY? Come on hun....your instinct may have been wrong in the past, but a womans intuition is usually DEAD ON. Yes you can be wrong, usually if you have been hurt before its harder because you have to learn to trust someone new, and let me tell you thats not easy. But hun you are getting some tell tale signs, that somethings fishy.

 

I have to wonder if he has really hated "Tori" all this time, or if maybe something went on between them in the past that makes him want to keep a distance from her. I dont want to be the negative one here, but for him to call someone (if it wasnt an accident) that he supposedly hates, makes one think that perhaps he just feels guilty when he is around you both?? I dont know...im just speculating.

 

#2. He lied to you at LEAST twice that SAME morning, he told you he didnt drink when he did, and he lied about his "phone" calling another girl. You have RIGHT to feel doubt in him because he caused it by lying to you. (unfortunately by doing this it could cause serious trust issues because now you will not know when to trust him and when not to.)

 

#3. I would have been checking his clothes....like the INSIDE of them when he jumped in that shower. I will give him that tho....I used to want to take a bath when I was sick from drinking...but I could lay down...not in showers. the shower is an unknown. But his drinking & lying would be enough for me to think somethings going on.

 

I wish you luck....I found an old post of yours from like 2004....it really touched me and I searched some of your other threads. So glad to see your hanging in there and surviving!! And SOBER it sounds like!! WOW thats so great!! Hang in there....dont let this get the best of you.

[2sunny]

i'm also wondering why he has Tori's number in his phone to begin with?

 

i have a lot of numbers in my phone - but i can honestly say that i don't have any numbers of people that i claim to hate. how did he obtain Tori's number to begin with - and how long ago... and under what circumstances?

 

if she's your friend - why does HE have it?

 

i think she lied too - when she said she didn't even know he had called... my phone shows every missed call right up front. seems really fishy all the way around. something has happened between them at some point in the past and most likely again the other night too. you are a bright gal BO- check further to see what's really gone on between the two of them. i guarantee you it's SOMETHING...

[Lishy]

I agree that there could be more at play here then the drinking - The thing with Tori, IMO, is more to worry about then the drinking on that night

 

All the lies dont sit well

[2sure]

Blind Otter -

 

My Dad was a functioning alcoholic, like yours. It caused problems sometimes. But usually it was just "there" , part of our life.

 

As a young adult, I also had addiction problems. And I accepted addicition into my life because I was used to it. The men I was with drank and it caused problems sometimes. I accepted it as part of my life because it had always been a part of my life. Normal.

 

It isnt. Know this.

[SueBee3490]

Yeah the Tori thing is suspicious.

 

I don't remember if I read or not but is Tori a "really' good friend of yours? Or just casual? Could you see her possibly having an affair with your SO?

 

I liked the idea one other poster said about saying something along the lines of "Oh Tori, I think (Your SO) left something at your house" Then see what her reaction is? If you come right out and say "did he call you?" She can come back with "of course not" (especially if there's something going on). If there is something going on and you give her the "impression' that you know, she may come clean.

 

Also, does she know how much your SO hates her? Or is that something between you 2?

 

Sorry if you explained this earlier and I missed it.

 

Take care of yourself

[Freedom Now]

Have you called Tori yet?

 

If not then just call her and talk normally and do not mention your SO - If she does not mention it then it is very suspect as she would ask you why he called as she would be concerned it was about you that he was calling

 

 

 

I think it is all a big mess and I am sending you a big {{{{HUG}}}}}

 

Exactly!

 

If Tori doesn't mention that drunk call from your SO, something is rotten in Denmark.

 

P.S. Your baby is adorable.