He lied to me

[Trimmer]

Maybe I just don't understand you youngsters these days, but just out of curiosity, why would you put someone you hate and go to great measures to avoid seeing in your cell contacts list?

 

Edit: Oh, I see that this has already been asked...

[Freedom Now]

Maybe I just don't understand you youngsters these days, but just out of curiosity, why would you put someone you hate and go to great measures to avoid seeing in your cell contacts list?

 

Edit: Oh, I see that this has already been asked...

 

My thoughts exactly.

 

But, I'm not a youngster either, so maybe someone else can explain....

[whichwayisup]

Yes I find it odd that he has Tori's number in his cell, seeing as he "hates" her. Listen to your gut B_O. Something doesn't feel right about this situation. Whether it be something has happened between the two of them, or he's doing drugs again, something is very off..

 

Anyway, I hope you and your beautiful son are doing well!

[You'reasian]

Many of you know about the issues I have with my S/O. He has a drinking problem. He goes for weeks sometimes, without taking a single drink - then he will break down and stay out all night, drinking until he passes out. He'd been pretty good about things - hasn't had a breakdown in a few months.

 

Anyway, the reason my post is in this section is because things went down a little differently than they previously have. First off, he lied to me outright. He left the house with no real purpose. I didn't call him until I had the baby put to sleep, a little after 10pm. I asked where he was, he said a friend's house that I know drinks very heavily (he has since I've known him when we were in college together), so I asked my S/O outright if he was drinking and he just lied to me and said no. The thing is, in the past, he has always been honest about it, even when it pissed me off. It was the least he could do, I thought.

 

So he didn't get home until around 5am, which is par for the course when he goes out drinking. He usually passes out around 3am, wakes up at 5 and drives home.

 

This time, he came inside and laid on the couch in the living room. The only reason I woke up was because he had trouble with the lock in the front door. Normally he at least tries to get into bed with me, but I do banish him to the couch each and every time he tries to get into bed, so I assumed he was just skipping some usual steps.

 

Then, the weird part, is that he got up from the couch 3 hours later and took a bath. He usually just passes out and sleeps all day, I cannot recall him ever taking a shower or bath when he got home from drinking.

 

The baby was up by the time he was out of the bath. Usually when the baby wakes up we spend time in my bed together, "talking" to each other. My S/O came into the room and wanted to see the baby. I was angry, of course.

 

Out of nowhere he mentions that his phone accidentally called a friend of mine, let's call her Tori, at 4am. He has historically hated Tori, in the past. Once he even went to bed at 7:30pm to avoid seeing her because she was coming over to hang out with me. I don't know why he hates Tori, but he always has, and as a result I haven't hung out with her in many weeks. Probably since the baby was a few weeks old (he's 3 months old now).

 

First he said that he just looked down and his phone was calling Tori for some reason. That seems odd, her name isn't in any way positioned in his contact list so you could just accidentally press a button and call her. Then, his story changed and he said he was calling me, and accidentally called her. Then, the story changed again - he was trying to call me, chickened out, tried to call another friend of ours that we appropriately call "Gay Ted" (because he is a flamingly gay little asian man), and then accidentally called Tori - which would make sense, since their names are next to each other on the contact list - but why didn't he say that in the first place?

 

I think he's full of sh*t. My S/O, I mean.

 

I don't know. Do you think that his story sounds insanely stupid? I do.

 

Is Tory hot? Is she leggy, busty or just plane all around beautiful?

[2sunny]

Is Tory hot? Is she leggy' date=' busty or just plane all around beautiful?[/quote']

 

WTF? sheeez, ANYTHING is hot and beautiful when you're bombed or high... perspective changes - remember? so do boundaries and reality...

[laRubiaBonita]

well B_O,

 

we can all make assumptions and advise you of what we might do in this situation, but i wonder why, other than to have SO in baby's life, Why do you do this to yourself?

 

keep dude around, when i really do not see you two ever working out... aka- married.

 

how could you marry someone that will not turn his life around, not just for his son's sake- or your sake, but for his own sake.

 

doesn't he see how terrible selfish he is? what if he never wakes up after a binge and he takes his own life away from the son he is "attached" to?

 

is he afraid of the responsibilities that you are forced to manage basically by yourself (at least when he is ***** faced)?

 

what does he contribute when he isn't binging? (besides being the father figure)

 

you know i love you and i just do not think it's right that an awesome and amazing women, such as yourself, should have to be treated like nothing special.... by some guy that cannot see what he is missing.

[whichwayisup]

is he afraid of the responsibilities

 

I think this is something... He doesn't want real adult responsibility, to be accountable for his actions. This has nothing to do with love - He does love B_O, he's just never really grown up into a responsible, reliable adult.

[blind_otter]

i'm also wondering why he has Tori's number in his phone to begin with?

 

i have a lot of numbers in my phone - but i can honestly say that i don't have any numbers of people that i claim to hate. how did he obtain Tori's number to begin with - and how long ago... and under what circumstances?

 

if she's your friend - why does HE have it?

 

i think she lied too - when she said she didn't even know he had called... my phone shows every missed call right up front. seems really fishy all the way around. something has happened between them at some point in the past and most likely again the other night too. you are a bright gal BO- check further to see what's really gone on between the two of them. i guarantee you it's SOMETHING...

 

Ok, let me clear some things up. I did not own a cellphone for the entire time I have dated my S/O - until he bought one for me when I was pregnant. As a result, he has all the numbers of friends I hang out with frequently, as a way to get in touch with me. Otherwise, he would have had no way to contact me when I was out and about.

 

Tori received the call, but did not know who it was from, because she has not saved his number in her cellphone. Since he did not leave a message, she assumed it was a wrong number.

 

They do not know each other other than through me, FWIW. I know that for a fact, as I knew Tori for a good 3 years before I met my S/O, and prior to that, he was with his exW for several years.

 

Yeah the Tori thing is suspicious.

 

I don't remember if I read or not but is Tori a "really' good friend of yours? Or just casual? Could you see her possibly having an affair with your SO?

 

At one point Tori and I hung out nearly every day, but since I had the baby we have not seen each other much. I am close with Tori's younger sister now.

 

I can't see my S/O having an affair with her - he doesn't have the time, he is home every night other than the night he went out drinking until 5am, and I honestly do trust the guy that he was hanging out with - he and I have been great friends since I was a sophomore in college, 10 years ago. He would not lie to me to cover S/O's butt, he is not like that. Never has been in the many years I have known him. He's just a drunk, but the kind that sits at home drinking all evening/night.

 

Also, does she know how much your SO hates her? Or is that something between you 2?

 

I tried to hide it from her, but yeah. She knows.

 

keep dude around, when i really do not see you two ever working out... aka- married.

 

how could you marry someone that will not turn his life around, not just for his son's sake- or your sake, but for his own sake.

 

doesn't he see how terrible selfish he is? what if he never wakes up after a binge and he takes his own life away from the son he is "attached" to?

 

is he afraid of the responsibilities that you are forced to manage basically by yourself (at least when he is ***** faced)?

 

what does he contribute when he isn't binging? (besides being the father figure)

 

FWIW, marriage is not and never has been a goal of mine. I tried it, it didn't work with my exH, and I realized that marriage is not the be all end all of any relationship.

 

He is a great father. He changes poopy diapers, plays with the baby, and takes over when I am overwhelmed. I am NOT raising my son alone, the last time he did this was a month before the baby was born, and to be honest the baby was asleep the entire time he was gone. I don't know how he is afraid of responsibilities, as he is always here and helping with the baby on a daily basis. He is a good man, with a good work ethic.

 

The thing is, and I know this from personal experience - my own experience. Alcoholism is a disease. Many people make the mistake of thinking that the alcoholic makes the choice to drink, a choice that is intended to hurt those around him. I know that that is not so.

 

I know what happened when everyone around me bailed on me when I was using. I just wallowed in my own abyss, and I surrounded myself with other addicts who were worse off, who made me feel better about myself.

 

I am going to go to Al Anon. I don't know what I will do beyond that, but I don't like how my S/O is being demonized on here.

[Freedom Now]

He is hurting you. I don't necessarily believe that your SO is being demonized, but people don't like to see other people in pain unnecessarily.

 

I think Al Anon is a great idea.

 

I hope for the best for your family.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry B_O if I've picked on your SO and made him out to be worse than he really is. I'm just going on what you've said here and also in your previous threads about him, how he handles his stepson, and how at times he's treated you poorly..

 

I think you're right the alcoholism IS taking over, bit by bit and HE needs to step up, change his life, change his patterns, behaviour and stop hanging out with people who aren't a good influence on him..It's like he can't say no to them and what they offer.

 

Going to ALNON is a good idea, so I hope it helps you.

 

Would he be willing to go to AA?

[blind_otter]

I'm sorry I reacted defensively. I read over what I wrote and I over reacted. I am just very sad about my situation right now. I really wanted things to get better. I hoped they had, and the reality that they haven't is setting in. Denial is not a river in Egypt, as they say.

 

I joined an online Al anon group. It's not as good as the F2F meetings, but it's all I have the courage to do right now. Maybe after I talk on there for a while I can get the courage to actually face people in my community IRL who are in the same situation that I am in.

 

I have asked him to go to AA, he refuses. He insists that he has quit drinking, every time this happens he does the same thing. Then it happens again....in a month, 3 months, 6 months. It'll never go away as long as he doesn't do something about it, actively. I feel very....pathetic, right now.

[Sassy]

If you want to talk Blind you know how to get in touch with me!! I am here for you .. Landon is getting so big and is adorable! I can't believe our babies will be 4mths this month !! They growing up too fast ..

[Touche]

Put things into perspective. Is he MOSTLY there for you or not?

 

Because even if he didn't drink and didn't pull this kind of stunt, there'd be some thing else that would piss you off. Because NO ONE is there for you 100% ALL the time, you know?

 

The best we can expect in this life is a partner who is loyal and is mostly there for us.

 

Check your expectations. Make some compromises.

 

And I'm not saying what he did was acceptable. Not at all.

 

It's obvious that at times he needs to blow off steam..or whatever. Find a happy medium.

 

Have you had an opportunity in these months since that cutie was born to go out to dinner or a movie?

 

You need your "blowing off steam" time too.