Mimsy Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 Hi! I'm freaking out! I love my boyfriend like i've never loved anyone; we've been together for almost two years. Of course there were rough moments... One, to be exact. It was because of college. Since we were always together and we weren't able to do it the same way anymore, we didnt't cope with it very well. But everything's fine now. The problem is a got really close to a boy there at the college. Just as friends; don't misunderstand me. But we were always together there and shared everything about our lives. We got to know each other quite well. Now we are not that close anymore, because after me and my boyfriend got back on tracks I sort of realized that it was too much with that other boy. Now I want to keep as much distance as possible (people at school even thought we had something , which is not true - nothing ever happened between us but friendship) and I sort of fear to be with him again. Anyways, I carry some guilt and specially sadness, because I don't want to know as much as did about him, and I don't want him to know stuff about me. I want that to be an exclusive privilege of my boyfriend. To make it worse, he shares some (few) similarities with my love. And if sometimes in some situation I remember him, I get really frustrated because I want to exclusively think about my boyfriend. Notice that i'm not talking about romantic situations or so... But the problem is that when i'm really stressed out I even force myself to look at my boyfriend and NOT see those similarities; only, because of that i'm obviously remembering the other guy! How can I shut my mind to the past? I don't want to spoil the beautiful relationship I have with my boyfriend! =( Tks folks! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 What if you would have shared the exact same intimacies with a girlfriend as this male friend? How would you feel about that? I think there's more going on here than is being shared Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mimsy Posted October 25, 2008 Author Share Posted October 25, 2008 The question is, right now, I don't know how to deal with ANY friends. I share a bit more with girls, but now everytime it is a boy friend I practically don't want to say anything, because it's like I don't know what's the limit! So I impose the ultimate limit - reveal and share nothing! I always give a lot of thinking to everything that upsets me... it's almoste obsessive... and it hurts a lot! =( I've got no doubts I love my boyfriend... I feel I could spend the rest of my life with him... and hav kids and stuff... I just want to shut my head... To be able to deal with other guys normally, like I used to do... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 The problem is a got really close to a boy there at the college. Just as friends; don't misunderstand me. But we were always together there and shared everything about our lives. We got to know each other quite well. Now we are not that close anymore, because after me and my boyfriend got back on tracks I sort of realized that it was too much with that other boy.What need that neither your girlfriends nor your boyfriend could fill was filled by this male friend? If you were truly friends, how does he now feel about this time and your change of mind and heart? Within this example, IMO, lies an important life lesson... 1. Be honest with yourself. 2. Be honest with those you purport to care about (e.g. this male friend) 3. Accept that relationships and your feelings change and with those changes comes a responsibility on your part to accept them and communicate them. 4. Be very careful about using, even unconsciously, other men as filler material in your intimate relationships. They're human too, and have feelings. If this other boy was truly your friend and you each shared intimacies, and nothing else has changed between you, you should still share this platonic bond, yes? Or, was it really that you liked his attention while you were having problems with your BF and, now that things are better, you have no further use for him and let him go? It's really important to think about these things. You can't rewind the clock but you can learn to have healthier relationships in the future. Life is about learning Those "intrusive" thoughts you're having are a reminder of the lesson you're learning. If you accept the feelings you had and may still have for this male friend and see them as part of your life path and not something which is "wrong" or "bad" in your current R, then I believe the conflict within yourself will resolve. OTOH, if you are now having "second thoughts" about how platonic that friendship really was, it bears scrutiny, out of respect for your boyfriend. I hope you figure it out Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I want that to be an exclusive privilege of my boyfriend. Mimsy, I'm not sure -- are you asking about what is "appropriate disclosure" versus revealing "inappropriate" information about yourself to your female and male friends? "Appropriate" is whatever YOU decide for yourself, to tell others about your personal, private and confidential thoughts, feelings, dreams, desires and experiences. Nobody else has the right or authority to decide for you, how much to reveal about yourself. There is nothing "wrong" with being able to have honest, open relationships with other men and women. That is normal and healthy. The "exclusive privilege" that you and your b/f will want to give to each other, revolves around your bodies and the things that you share TOGETHER, intimate details, secrets, fears, and things softly whispered to, for and about each other...that relate only to the two of you, together, as a couple. And naturally you would not want to reveal any of his (or anyone else's) personal, private thoughts and feelings to anyone else. But you do get to retain and maintain your individuality and your autonomy in any romantic relationship -- that is YOUR privilege and right . If it is that, in the course of developing a healthy, emotionally open and supportive relationship with another guy, you develop romantic feelings for him, then of course, that is a whole different matter. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 OP, if you are at the movies and see two people in a passionate on-screen kiss, what is the first thought in your mind that has another human being attached to it? Who is that person? That's good information Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mimsy Posted October 25, 2008 Author Share Posted October 25, 2008 Oh no! No romantic feelings whatsoever! There was certainly complicity, and that's what I regret. An since I know it's bad just to cut a relationship like this, I'm kinda lost... I don't love him nor anything like that. I'm totally devoted to my boyfriend; he's my light and my support and my whole happiness!! And (to the former post), i have made that scrutiny, of course; for my bf sake! I guess I just want that exclusiveness of knowing me given to my bf. And since we weren't ok before, i transfered it to other person! Since he is a boy and shares some of my tastes, i now regret that he got to know me so much. tks guys! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 It sounds like you don't yet understand that other people have feelings and desires and that those are valuable. I'm hearing a lot about you. Do you know that you can love someone as a friend and not romantically? I hope you find out. It's wonderful. And since we weren't ok before, i transferred it to other person This implies he was just a receptacle for "it". That's an example of what I meant above. Since he is a boy and shares some of my tastes, i now regret that he got to know me so much. Why do you regret it? What has changed? These are the interesting paths which result when you choose to start threads Link to post Share on other sites
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