Men withholding emotions and women withholding sex

[SarahRose]

In my 30 years of relationships, I've always been a horndog and always was ready and willing to be with my man. I seldom said no, even if I didn't really feel like it.

 

You would think this would be a good thing but in reality it hasn't been.

 

The more I gave, the less he gave until it got to the point where he wasn't contributing anything but I was.

 

The last 3 weeks the chain of events happened to where we haven't had sex at all. First week, I was mad at him for being a jerk and neglecting me so I just didn't feel like it. The 2nd week I was sick. This week I'm bleeding like a stuck hog.

 

So now, he is back to meeting my emotional needs and being sweet and attentive.

 

He usually doesn't kiss and I always had to initiate but now he is doing it.

 

So now I'm thinking he shouldn't have carte blanche on my body. If he withholds and neglects my emotional needs, why on earth should he still get the nooky?

 

I know some of you will say why not just talk to him about this. I have! Talking does nothing. I have said it would be really nice if you called me more as I enjoy hearing from you. See said in a nice non nagging way and what does that get me? Nothing.

 

I haven't been mean about this as it wasn't intentional but I am realizing that he did change his behaviour and I am happier and he seems to be happier too. I'm thinking that by not being such an eager beaver all the time, I may end up getting more sex and more of what I would like.

[Curmudgeon]

Sorry, Sarah Rose, but you're not a commodity, nor is he. You're making relationship sound like a booth at a county fair where, if you can toss the penny into the saucer you get the goldfish in the bowl beneath it.

 

Perhaps it's just me but that doesn't sound like love, like or caring to me; especially not if it's a 30-year pattern with men.

 

But then again, I'm kinda old with antique ideas.

[Mr. Lucky]

If he withholds and neglects my emotional needs, why on earth should he still get the nooky?

Isn't having a healthy and rewarding sex life with your partner one of your needs?

 

I've never understood this idea that sex was something one partner gives to the other. If the communication is there, sexuality is an experience you share together. Looking at it as part of a reward system - to be given or withheld based on some parameter - leads to all kinds of potential resentments...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ronni_W]

Yikees. That's a tough one. It would seem that the evidence is there that your guy does better "emotion" when his sexual gratification is not happening on schedule with his needs. (It's reminding me of that Seinfeld episode where George got smart when he wasn't getting any, but Elaine got stupid.)

 

At the same time, who wants a sex-versus-emotion power struggle in their relationship?

 

Maybe if you can help him understand that you experience your need for emotion in exactly the same way as he experiences his need for sex? And that when your need goes unfulfilled, you feel "antsy" in exactly the same way that he, presumably, feels when his need goes unfulfilled.

 

The problem is not that he can't do emotion...he can when he feels/knows that will serve his own goal/need gratification.

So the solution may lie somewhere in what he feels is his responsibility to contributing to your need gratification, and how can you help him make that a higher priority within his own mind and heart.

 

Put another way, maybe he just isn't understanding that YOUR need to be "emotionally pleasured" is AS strong and important as his need to be sexually pleasured...and fulfilling BOTH needs are equally important to a healthy, mutually satisfying, long-term, exclusive relationship.

[SarahRose]

Mr. Lucky you are assuming that men and women think of and respond to sex the same way. They don't.

 

Sex is a need but so is the emotional connection.

 

Men seem to get what women want in the beginning of a relationship but they seem to stop later on. If they know they have to do it to get the girl then why do they think they can just stop and she would be ok with that?

 

It would be like he is getting his sexual needs met and then later on in the relationship, she just stops for no reason.

 

It is the same sort of thing.

 

Like RonniW says, it is of equal importance in a relationship.

 

Of course it is best to talk but I find men don't respond well to talks. They pretty much do what they want to do. I have said, I really enjoy the romantic things like the love notes, emails, and flowers. I said it to him like that and what did he say, I'm not romantic. Talk about a cold bucket of water.

 

That would be like him saying to me, I really like it when you give me bjs and if I said to him, well I don't like doing that anymore. Cold bucket!

 

Yes, Ronni, I didn't want to believe what was happening but it was right there in front of my face. He was being so attentive and lovey. This is probably TMI but he was chasing me down the hallway with his pants down. I haven't seen him that fired up since when we first met. It was great!

 

Do you guys really not respond to talk at all? It seems you just respond to actions.

[mundithandize]

i think you better talk to him about ur emotional needs. instead of holding up on the nooky. no no no. he may end up getting it from somewhere else. communicate communicate

[manugeorge]

I think men don't always realize that sex for women starts in our head and not our groin. You make love to a woman's mind and I promise you will be getting in her pants in no time. Perhaps, where they get stuck is how exactly do you make love to a woman's mind?

 

I think it differs from woman to woman, some want flowers, candy, love notes, some just want you to take out the trash every once in a while or hold her hand in public or cuddle up to her while watching TV. There's estrogen for ya.

 

And when she is pissed at you for something you are or are not doing, then you best believe that she will not be feeling amorous in any way. The same signals that go to her brain to let her know that she is pissed are the same ones that will travel to her nether regions informing them that she is pissed.

 

OP, you have to talk to him, and let him know gets your motor running so to speak. He's not a mind reader.

[SarahRose]

i think you better talk to him about ur emotional needs. instead of holding up on the nooky. no no no. he may end up getting it from somewhere else. communicate communicate

 

If he ends up getting it from somewhere else, then all I was was an interchangeable body parts anyways.

[carhill]

I told our MC I can't have sex with a partner I don't feel emotionally connected to and intimate with. What's my gender?

[Taramere]

So now I'm thinking he shouldn't have carte blanche on my body. If he withholds and neglects my emotional needs, why on earth should he still get the nooky?

 

Rather than talking about your feelings (which often just results in lip service being paid, in a patronising manner, to the little woman's hormonal and emotional topsy-turviness), why don't you strike up a conversation about Pavlov's dogs and conditioned responses.

 

You can gradually work in the example of him rewarding you (with increased attentiveness and affection) when you're going through a phase of not being sexual with him....then ask him to comment on the logic of that.

[Mr. Lucky]

Do you guys really not respond to talk at all? It seems you just respond to actions.

Whille it's nice to have both, I think your assumption is correct - most men respond more to action than talk. Part of that stoic upbringing many of us have.

 

We've all also seen many situations where people say one thing and do another. My ExW was big on the "I love you"s and flowery notes left for me while she was engaging in the affair that ended our marriage.

 

Having said that and having been happily remarried for 20 years to a woman that is vocal about her need for an emotional connection, I understand and appreciate the necessity of non-sexual intimacy. Hopefully, your H will appreciate it too...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SarahRose]

I always felt like that with Mr. Messy(interchangeable orifice)anyway. I never could understand how he could be so cruel and then want to have sex with the same person you showed no respect for.

 

I don't get that either unless somehow the rush they get from being mean translate to desire for the physical. I hope you are away from that.

[SarahRose]

Rather than talking about your feelings (which often just results in lip service being paid, in a patronising manner, to the little woman's hormonal and emotional topsy-turviness), why don't you strike up a conversation about Pavlov's dogs and conditioned responses.

 

You can gradually work in the example of him rewarding you (with increased attentiveness and affection) when you're going through a phase of not being sexual with him....then ask him to comment on the logic of that.

 

It's more like intermittent reinforcement. He does the nice things that I like and then he gets rewarded with the nooky.

 

Maybe clicker training him would work better.

[SarahRose]

Whille it's nice to have both, I think your assumption is correct - most men respond more to action than talk. Part of that stoic upbringing many of us have.

 

We've all also seen many situations where people say one thing and do another. My ExW was big on the "I love you"s and flowery notes left for me while she was engaging in the affair that ended our marriage.

 

Having said that and having been happily remarried for 20 years to a woman that is vocal about her need for an emotional connection, I understand and appreciate the necessity of non-sexual intimacy. Hopefully, your H will appreciate it too...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm glad you found a good gal for you. It does pain me when decent guys get the shaft.

 

I know there are some women that just don't care for sex and I am not one of them. I just want him to meet my other needs in this relationship too.

 

I have tried talking to him about it in a nice way but it just went in one ear and out the other.

 

I think lots of folks male and female get that response and then what are you supposed to do?

[Ronni_W]

having been happily remarried for 20 years to a woman that is vocal about her need for an emotional connection, I understand and appreciate the necessity of non-sexual intimacy.

Mr. Lucky,

Can you PLEASE write a book...and do a movie...and maybe a TV series...and also run some workshops on an international scale???

 

Congrats on your successful marriage, and wishing you MUCH more of the same!

[Amybeth]

WOW - this really struck a cord with me and my marriage !

It ended in my H having an affair for close to 5 yrs as I pushed him away so much, had pain with intercourse as the switch in my head was turned off.

 

I was so disconnected to him that I was not turned on by him - the affair obviously made it worse.

 

I now believe he HAS tO MEET MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS JUST LIKE I HAVE TO MEET HIS SEXUAL . BUT then they can intertwine and my sexual needs get meet and his emotional as well.

 

MY problem - what if he doesn't really know how to be emotionally connected at my level?????????? How can you teach or help someone learn this - he wants to but how can it be done?

[Amybeth]

Whille it's nice to have both, I think your assumption is correct - most men respond more to action than talk. Part of that stoic upbringing many of us have.

 

We've all also seen many situations where people say one thing and do another. My ExW was big on the "I love you"s and flowery notes left for me while she was engaging in the affair that ended our marriage.

 

Having said that and having been happily remarried for 20 years to a woman that is vocal about her need for an emotional connection, I understand and appreciate the necessity of non-sexual intimacy. Hopefully, your H will appreciate it too...

 

Mr. Lucky

How can I get my H to learn about nonsexual intimacy?

 

How can he learn to live that way?

 

That is the key to saving my marriage - he says he wants to but is not really connected to that side of himself !

[carhill]

How can you teach or help someone learn this - he wants to but how can it be done?

IMO, a person's emotional setpoint is intrinsic to their psyche; it's part of their development as a human being. This includes their variable ability to connect emotionally with another human being; "variable" is the operative word. No two people are alike.

 

This means, IMO and IME, that your H, even if he "wants to", will drift back naturally to his setpoint over time. If that setpoint is incompatible with yours, you'll always have, over time, a fundamental incompatibility. You can each choose to live with it, but it will always be there. An obvious example of a setpoint is one's propensity for tidiness or messiness. The messy person can "want" to be more tidy and often can be, but, over time, they just naturally fall back to their internal setpoint. The same goes for the "tidy" person. They can consciously "let things go" more and "not pick up", but, over time, that hand just reaches out and naturally goes back to picking things up. Neither perspective, as with emotional setpoints, is "right or wrong"; they're just "different". Finding a compatible mix of setpoints is the challenge.

 

FWIW, I find a lot of women have the same issue. They can be intimate emotionally with their sisters and girlfriends but when the same kind of intimacy is called for with a man, they freeze up. This is my wife's issue. It's like emotional intimacy with a man does not compute for her; like it is against evolution and nature Seriously, and, after much MC, I harbor no ill will, it's a fundamental feature of her psyche. It's not going to "get better". Hope that makes sense

[flc]

How can I get my H to learn about nonsexual intimacy?

 

How can he learn to live that way?

 

That is the key to saving my marriage - he says he wants to but is not really connected to that side of himself !

 

Good luck, in my 20yr marriage I was the one that enjoyed being non sexually intimate. I love cuddling and just sitting quietly together with my arms around my partner. My xW was too busy to spend this type of time with me and in the end it contributed to a failed marriage.

[angryyoungman70]

Isn't having a healthy and rewarding sex life with your partner one of your needs?

 

I've never understood this idea that sex was something one partner gives to the other. If the communication is there, sexuality is an experience you share together. Looking at it as part of a reward system - to be given or withheld based on some parameter - leads to all kinds of potential resentments...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Wow Mr. Lucky, you nailed it. It is however unfortunate just how many people equate sex to a commodity that can be bartered over with thier SO in order to make individual gains.

[SarahRose]

I think these things can be learned. Marriage builders teaches people how to do it. Like the husband would get a list of things to do every day for his wife to show her he loves her and he just does it and it becomes a habit. He doesn't have to be romantic but he will make the phone call, buy the flowers, or whatever is on her list.

 

It would be nice if things weren't commodities but really everything is.

 

 

The gal who gives it up on the first date usually isn't thought of as serious relationship material because it was too easy for him. The sex obviously has value.

 

The guy who tries to get the hottest women possible. Hotness is a commodity.

[Amybeth]

I think these things can be learned. Marriage builders teaches people how to do it. Like the husband would get a list of things to do every day for his wife to show her he loves her and he just does it and it becomes a habit. He doesn't have to be romantic but he will make the phone call, buy the flowers, or whatever is on her list.

 

It would be nice if things weren't commodities but really everything is.

 

 

The gal who gives it up on the first date usually isn't thought of as serious relationship material because it was too easy for him. The sex obviously has value.

 

The guy who tries to get the hottest women possible. Hotness is a commodity.

 

I briefly looked at the marriage builders website ... but what just join and follow like a home program? I was even thinking of going on a marriage retreat somewhere with my H to learn new skills. He said he would go.

[fral945]

The irony here is generally men don't open up emotionally until they have sex and women won't have sex with a man until he opens up to them emotionally.

 

Someone has to take the plunge first, I guess.

[OWoman]

Mr. Lucky you are assuming that men and women think of and respond to sex the same way. They don't.

 

That depends on the men, and the women.

 

According to your stereotypes, I'm the man and pretty much all of my past partners have been the woman. Perhaps we should all have gender relaignment surgery to fit in with the pop psych books.

 

Actually, life is far more nuanced. Sex itself meets emotional intimacy needs FOR BOTH MEN AND WOMEN and if it's not working for you, perhaps there are underlying issues (or prejudices) getting in the way.

[OWoman]

Wow Mr. Lucky, you nailed it. It is however unfortunate just how many people equate sex to a commodity that can be bartered over with thier SO in order to make individual gains.

 

Absolutely. Like, give him a BJ and he'll buy you a pair of shoes, or a hug.

 

Women who think sex is something that men need and women have to trade in order to get their emotional needs met give the rest of the gender a bad name.