Men withholding emotions and women withholding sex

[carhill]

Amen ......

[angie2443]

I joined in a little late and am not responding to any particular post here, just the idea that men and women view sex differantly.

 

I think that one of the conflicts that comes up between men and women in long term relationships, is that the men often stop warming their women up. I've experienced this in my relationships prior to marriage and had to put a stop to it in my own marriage a few years back. It seems that in the beginning, the man is willing to spend those extra minutes to get his partner's body warmed up and enjoys it. Down the line, this often stops and the man spends maybe 2 minutes of stimulation before the act. At least that's been my experience. Now, I'm not opposed to a quicky now and then and I don't mind doing my part in making my partner's body feel good. At the same time, if he just looks at me and says "lets get naked", it probably isn't going to be that exciting for me. It will feel a little good maybe and it won't hurt, but it isn't anything to get excited over. I think a lot of women experience this.

[blackblt]

Where are women like you? My wife takes care of some things around the house, just not me. Nothing I could not get from a maid, and she would not have to be very good. If she did what you do just once a month I would be happy. My wife does not work out of the house, not sure what she does. I wish she cared as much as you.

[angryyoungman70]

I joined in a little late and am not responding to any particular post here, just the idea that men and women view sex differantly.

 

I think that one of the conflicts that comes up between men and women in long term relationships, is that the men often stop warming their women up. I've experienced this in my relationships prior to marriage and had to put a stop to it in my own marriage a few years back. It seems that in the beginning, the man is willing to spend those extra minutes to get his partner's body warmed up and enjoys it. Down the line, this often stops and the man spends maybe 2 minutes of stimulation before the act. At least that's been my experience. Now, I'm not opposed to a quicky now and then and I don't mind doing my part in making my partner's body feel good. At the same time, if he just looks at me and says "lets get naked", it probably isn't going to be that exciting for me. It will feel a little good maybe and it won't hurt, but it isn't anything to get excited over. I think a lot of women experience this.

 

Believe it or not, some men experience this as well. There are a few of us out there who have tried to keep the romance intact, and love nothing more than to slowly warm our so's up to the idea of some hot passionate sex, followed by long bouts of fun and foreplay...only to see our so's either reject us or just get straight to business.

[Mr. Lucky]

This means, IMO and IME, that your H, even if he "wants to", will drift back naturally to his setpoint over time.

Carhill, I disagree as I feel that we can learn that certain behaviors do not benefit us. And as a man, being emotionally closed off and unavailable is one of them. For me at least, I had to take the leap of faith involved in learning to trust my partner. Maybe it's somewhat different for each couple...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

Carhill, I disagree as I feel that we can learn that certain behaviors do not benefit us. And as a man, being emotionally closed off and unavailable is one of them. For me at least, I had to take the leap of faith involved in learning to trust my partner. Maybe it's somewhat different for each couple...

 

Mr. Lucky

Setpoint describes intrinsic personality characteristics. Behaviors can be modified over a long period of time with active work and reinforcement. No one changes overnight nor easily.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

I am absolutely, 100% with you. If you want to benefit even more, then you need to make him earn it, and earn "quality" sex when he is a really good boy. Of course it is not something you talk about, you just do it.

 

In my 30 years of relationships, I've always been a horndog and always was ready and willing to be with my man. I seldom said no, even if I didn't really feel like it.

 

You would think this would be a good thing but in reality it hasn't been.

 

The more I gave, the less he gave until it got to the point where he wasn't contributing anything but I was.

 

The last 3 weeks the chain of events happened to where we haven't had sex at all. First week, I was mad at him for being a jerk and neglecting me so I just didn't feel like it. The 2nd week I was sick. This week I'm bleeding like a stuck hog.

 

So now, he is back to meeting my emotional needs and being sweet and attentive.

 

He usually doesn't kiss and I always had to initiate but now he is doing it.

 

So now I'm thinking he shouldn't have carte blanche on my body. If he withholds and neglects my emotional needs, why on earth should he still get the nooky?

 

I know some of you will say why not just talk to him about this. I have! Talking does nothing. I have said it would be really nice if you called me more as I enjoy hearing from you. See said in a nice non nagging way and what does that get me? Nothing.

 

I haven't been mean about this as it wasn't intentional but I am realizing that he did change his behaviour and I am happier and he seems to be happier too. I'm thinking that by not being such an eager beaver all the time, I may end up getting more sex and more of what I would like.

[Trialbyfire]

who wants a sex-versus-emotion power struggle in their relationship?

I'm so with you on this one. Whether it's the chicken or the egg that came first, eventually, no one gets to come.

 

People really need to be cognizant of their partner's reasonable needs. Once one stops trying, the power struggle can be never-ending. Fuel it or lose it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Whether it's the chicken or the egg that came first, eventually, no one gets to come.

I never quite thought about the "Who came first?" question in this context. Nice ....

 

Mr. Lucky

[OWoman]

I joined in a little late and am not responding to any particular post here, just the idea that men and women view sex differantly.

 

I think that one of the conflicts that comes up between men and women in long term relationships, is that the men often stop warming their women up. I've experienced this in my relationships prior to marriage and had to put a stop to it in my own marriage a few years back. It seems that in the beginning, the man is willing to spend those extra minutes to get his partner's body warmed up and enjoys it. Down the line, this often stops and the man spends maybe 2 minutes of stimulation before the act. At least that's been my experience. Now, I'm not opposed to a quicky now and then and I don't mind doing my part in making my partner's body feel good. At the same time, if he just looks at me and says "lets get naked", it probably isn't going to be that exciting for me. It will feel a little good maybe and it won't hurt, but it isn't anything to get excited over. I think a lot of women experience this.

 

I don't think this is a gender difference so much as a timing issue. There are times when I enjoy the whole romantic build-up, finally giving way to the hot sweaty passion that's been simmering underneath. There are other times when I can't be arsed with all that and want to get stright down to it. My SO is the same - if anything, he's bigger on the romance than I am. The trick is how sensitive one is to where the other person is at, given that it's unlikely that you'll both be in synch 100% of the time, and how one balances their need for something different with one's own need for what one wants.