What happened to my marriage?

[ConfusedMan1]

What do I do? I'm scared that my wife and I have fallen out of love with one another.

 

** Our sex life is dead: perhaps we have sex 3 times on a good month.

** Our familes hate each other and refuse to communicate

** We went to go see a marriage counselor who told us to get a divorce!

** We don't enjoy each other's friends

** Most nights, I get home, go into a room by myself, and close the door

** If we talk for more than an hour, an argument breaks out..

 

 

Everything is telling me that it is time to move on.

 

And it's so hard. When I started with this girl, I had absolutely nothing. We were so broke. Now, 8 years later, I'm beginning to experience a very successful career and money hasn't changed anything. We were once happy and younger.

 

We have no children and I'm wondering if I'm holding on to something that isn't there anymore. Any advice?

[Tony T]

My best advice is to move on. What you have described is simply a very dead relationship. That happens and it isn't any particular person's fault sometimes. People do grow apart. Circumstances change, stress intensifies, likes and dislikes evolve, etc. That's just the nature of being human. It takes a whole lot more than love to keep a marriage in good shape. A lot of married people fall out of romantic love but they have so many other things going and a solid friendship it seems to keep going on its own power. That's not what is happening here for you.

 

In many cases there is an intense initial passion that bonds two people sufficiently to weather the ups and downs of a relationship. That didn't seem to happen in your case. If there isn't enough in common between the two of you and she has totally lost all desire to be married to you, there is no choice but to move on. Just try to keep it as friendly as possible. This doesn't look like either of your fault. It was something that just shouldn't have happened in the first place.

 

When everything is telling you to move on, DO SO...before the price of gas goes up again!

[OpenBook]

Seems to me you're halfway out the door already.

[Geishawhelk]

Can you list any equivalent positives that are keeping you together....?

 

If you're struggling to even find two....

call it quits.

[Ronni_W]

Everything is telling me that it is time to move on.

Did you mean "everything" the external signs and evidence, or "everything" your internal voices and feelings?

 

If your "gut" is telling you that, then...probably that is what needs to be done for your own long-term happiness, peace, fulfillment and sanity (and hers.)

If there's a part within you that isn't yet ready to call it quits, then marriagebuilders.com and coping.org may offer some useful info, insights and tools for rebuilding self and relationship.

 

Also, that marriage counselor is in violation of professional ethics. If you do still want to work towards a happier marriage, find a better counselor (if/when you guys decide to give counselling another try.)

 

Best of luck.

[ConfusedMan1]

My best advice is to move on. What you have described is simply a very dead relationship. That happens and it isn't any particular person's fault sometimes. People do grow apart. Circumstances change, stress intensifies, likes and dislikes evolve, etc. That's just the nature of being human. It takes a whole lot more than love to keep a marriage in good shape. A lot of married people fall out of romantic love but they have so many other things going and a solid friendship it seems to keep going on its own power. That's not what is happening here for you.

 

In many cases there is an intense initial passion that bonds two people sufficiently to weather the ups and downs of a relationship. That didn't seem to happen in your case. If there isn't enough in common between the two of you and she has totally lost all desire to be married to you, there is no choice but to move on. Just try to keep it as friendly as possible. This doesn't look like either of your fault. It was something that just shouldn't have happened in the first place.

 

When everything is telling you to move on, DO SO...before the price of gas goes up again!

 

What you say here may indeed be the solution. It's the solution that 'my gut' is telling me. We've discussed the idea of a divorce and all she wants is a seperation payment from me so that she can pursue her career aspirations of law school (she already has a good job and a Master's degree).

 

Then, she comes back and tells me that the idea of getting a divorce is very hard for her, but she will do it if I want it. This is so confusing. I never thought that we would be at this point.

[ConfusedMan1]

Did you mean "everything" the external signs and evidence, or "everything" your internal voices and feelings?

 

If your "gut" is telling you that, then...probably that is what needs to be done for your own long-term happiness, peace, fulfillment and sanity (and hers.)

If there's a part within you that isn't yet ready to call it quits, then marriagebuilders.com and coping.org may offer some useful info, insights and tools for rebuilding self and relationship.

 

Also, that marriage counselor is in violation of professional ethics. If you do still want to work towards a happier marriage, find a better counselor (if/when you guys decide to give counselling another try.)

 

Best of luck.

 

Ronni, it's my gut feeling. Yes, the marriage counselor was somewhat interesting. She told us to get a divorce on the first session!

 

I guess that I'm just not understanding what happened. Years ago, this girl and I were both in college and dirt poor.

 

We used to eat chicken and rice and survive on groceries of $50 a month.

 

But we had each other. We would take long walks together while I would promise her that one day, I would make it big, and we would have a family.

 

Then, I got to that point and found that we grew apart. My interests have changed as have hers.

[ConfusedMan1]

Can you list any equivalent positives that are keeping you together....?

 

If you're struggling to even find two....

call it quits.

 

Only that... I remember what we once had. We still do care about one another, but we don't have the relationship or passion of a couple.

 

I'm 31 years old and can probably list the number of times that I've had sex on 8 fingers for the last 6 months. I know that is not normal.

 

But Positives...

 

**We both trust each other

**It's what we know as I got with her when I was 23 years old

**We fought through some hard times and got each other through them

 

That's it. We don't have any passion anymore. Recently, we both forgot our marriage anniversary. She forgot my birthday. When I remembered hers, she had already made plans to go out with friends.

 

My mother says to divorce her now or risk paying a big settlement when she starts or finishes law school.

[ConfusedMan1]

Seems to me you're halfway out the door already.

 

Perhaps so.. but going completely out the door is a scary situation.

[Ronni_W]

I guess that I'm just not understanding what happened.

Have you considered what you might do if you DID understand what happened?

That is, is there a part that is holding the belief (hope?) that, if you did understand some little thing about it, you would be able to reverse or resolve it?

 

How many sessions did you have with that nutjob MC? Did you two just give up because the MC said it was hopeless? Are you both open to seeking better guidance and care at this point?

 

I do understand what got you guys together but...holding on to that past vision/experience isn't really going to help you gain any clarity about your present or your future.

As you say, both your interests have changed. How can you incorporate meeting the current needs, desires and goals into your relationship?

 

Sort of, you used to do 'this' and were completely happy with 'that'. But so what?

It has no positive impact or influence on where you guys are, TODAY. What will you (both) be happy with today? How can you both support and encourage each other today?

 

All the above assuming that there is a part remaining that wants your marriage to last longer, of course.

[LakesideDream]

Confused. Some questions for you. And a point at the end.

 

How many times a day, a week do you attempt to engage your wife in conversation? Have you tried treating her the way you did when you both fell in love? Have you courted her? Tried to seduce her?

 

You are all about how hopeless you marriage is in your post. Is it hopeless, or is it that you have checked out? Maybe she's checked out too.

 

I know from a very long marriage that women (and men) need to feel loved, appreciated, cared for, and desired. What do you do everyday to reinforce these things in your wife's psyce?

 

If you love her, you owe yourself the effort to attempt to rediscover what made you a couple in the first place. If in your mind it isn't worth that effort, then get the hell out. Leave so you can begin your life again, and hopefully avoid repeating your mistakes somewhere else. Leave so that your wife can begin her life again.

[whichwayisup]

Your marriage doesn't have to end badly, infact it seems like you and your wife could actually be friends if you two do divorce as there doesn't seem to be much bad blood between you two and hurt/resentful feelings.

 

But, if you aren't sure and you're both willing to give it one more try, give it your absolute best, maybe it's possible to capture what brought you two together in the first place.

[quankanne]

But, if you aren't sure and you're both willing to give it one more try, give it your absolute best, maybe it's possible to capture what brought you two together in the first place.

 

if this is the case, I highly recommend a Retrouvaille weekend. Yes, it's church sponsored, but it might also be the last-chance solution y'all need to come to such a final decision

[imagine]

But, if you aren't sure and you're both willing to give it one more try, give it your absolute best, maybe it's possible to capture what brought you two together in the first place.

 

If this is the case, I highly recommend a Retrouvaille weekend. Yes, it's church sponsored, but it might also be the last-chance solution y'all need to come to such a final decision

 

 

Yes. Your posting indicates that you have both chosen to walk different paths. What guarantee do you have that this could be different with someone else?

 

That "marriage counselor" that you spoke to doesn't sound terribly pro-marriage. Look for a pro-marriage counselor.

[Spinning Head]

People grow apart and people change. If you are having these problems now, then you will have them again in the future. And, what if you bring children into the equation?! Things will only get worse if they are so shaky now.

 

In my opinion, it is better to separate and move on. Your wife's waffling is merely a reaction to change - everyone is afraid of change. But, change can be a very good thing. You both deserve a relationship that is supportive and loving - not one wherein you have no interaction and argue if you talk for more than an hour. It may be difficult now, however, six months from now, you both will probably be happier.

[div2wice]

First off, the therapist you saw sucked and should be in another business. I would seriously reconsider counceling, not all therapists are that ignorant.

 

My husband and I went through the same thing. We just got bored with everything. But the problem was with both of us....he wouldn't communicate because he had troubles doing so, I held onto bitterness, we didn't make time for each other, etc, etc. We decided to change things. We both put in the non stop effort...it was hard but we did change it and its better than ever now. Because we love each other and we do not believe in divorce.

 

I truly believe that despite the current state of your marriage, it can be fixed. IF you both want it bad enough. You can't just say yea, we'll try. You have to put every ounce of effort into the marriage. I personally don't agree with the statement, people grow apart and therefore should divorce, or move on. I think people ALLOW themselves to grow apart.

 

Marriage is about the good things and the bad things, and it seems the responses on this thread think that once it gets hard, they should give up and throw the marriage away. I strongly disagree.

 

I say fight for it.

[whichwayisup]

I think people ALLOW themselves to grow apart.

 

I agree and some are lazy, figure it's just easier to do nothing than put in some hard work and effort. It does take two, so if one person isn't willing to go the distance the marriage won't improve.

[PWSX3]

Marriage is about the good things and the bad things, and it seems the responses on this thread think that once it gets hard, they should give up and throw the marriage away. I strongly disagree.

 

I say fight for it.

I agree that if both parties really want to work on it they can make it work, but when one doesn't there isn't much hope.

 

Something we never had in our relationship was her time, my time, our time & I do believe that is very important. That is what will keep you on the same path even if you are going down separate paths.

 

A marriage takes work just like anything in life, but we take each other for granted & that isn't good.

[pelicanpreacher]

Everyone has so neatly and deftly avoided the subject of an OM in the picture that I think that "she doth protest too loudly". I'm highly suspicious of scenarios where one spouse instantly antagonizes the other with minimal provocation. Typically, when this is a constant factor in the breakdown of communication, the antagonist masks their true motivation to remain faithful to their AP by expressing churlish behavior at home to keep the unsuspecting spouse off balance and at arms length when approached for intimacy.

 

Your wife's waffling may only be a tactic to buy time because the timing for a divorce under these circumstances might be inconvenient for her and her lover. I'd suggest that you keep your eyes open and ear to the ground for something is truly amiss here.

[The Player]

Hate to say it, but it definately looks like she's lost attraction towards you. That's how most marriages fail. Move on my friend, look forward to what's next in your life. Try to not get a big setback because of what's to come. Use any negative energy and burn it for fuel to make your life 10x's better than it is now.

 

Goodluck bro.

[CoryCosmetics]

Having a reconciliation in my past, and always one to give hope... by the responses here and your attitude...it's time to just try moving on.

 

That decision alone is difficult, but I just don't see or hear anything hopeful here.

 

Move on and sometime down the road find yourself someone in your future that you can experience all the things your not with.

 

Life is to long to be that miserable.

[pelicanpreacher]

The primary reason that I suspect infidelity on her part is because you now have a seperate group of friends to which each of you have aligned your affinities. If there is an OM who's sparked her interest within her circle of friends then you'd better believe what I've posted before for "she doth protest too loudly"!