Thinking He's Jerking Me Around!

[bubblegum]

I broke up with my exbf a couple months or so ago and I went NC a few weeks at a time here and there. I'd always eventually answer one of his calls, he'd want to see me, etc. So this last time I've seen him a few times after coming to a place where I wasn't very emotional -- leading with my head instead of my heart. We got along great, never talked much about heavy issues and all that. I wasn't initiating much communication or getting together, I wanted him to do it because part of the reason I broke up with him was that I felt he was pulling away from me, but wasn't actually breaking up. Anyway, last time we were together, last weekend, he asked me to go away for what would've been this last Friday night -- to our favorite romantic getaway, windowshopping, sightseeing, etc. I was impressed.

 

During the week I initiated meeting for dinner and he was really into it. Then suddenly it was getting later and later at night and he said he had to work late but could we make it up Saturday night. I was like, HUH? I said we already had plans Friday. He said well, he had to work then (he has a second business of his own with 3 deadlines coming up -- I knew this beforehand). Then he wanted to know if he could come over later that night, skipping dinner, anyway. I said no, it's too late. I asked again why he has to work Friday night and not Saturday, he said "when you act like this it's hard to be with you..." That was our last communication, I never responded.

 

WTF?

 

Was it really a case of his feeling like I was finally there if he wanted me after these months of avoiding him so he flaked thinking it won't matter? Why invite me for that Friday?

 

We weren't back together or acting like we were, no sex even. He always left saying he had a great time and was happy to see me.

 

What should I do now?

[bubblegum]

I don't like this second-guessing myself. I don't know what to think. I am angry. I believe I was confusing him a little during the last few times I saw him, because I agreed to see him but was a little reserved. I may not have really responded positively to his invitation for Friday night. But I did ask to meet for dinner!

 

What is he thinking? What could he think I'm meaning by not responding to his last statement to me? (the reason I haven't responded is because I'm angry and I feel he's twisting this around on me somehow)

 

!!!???

[Island Girl]

You said you know he has work deadlines to begin with -- he is the owner of the companies and it is his butt on the line after all!

 

But you continue to remain rigid about the Friday night plans.

 

Whatever the reasons for the break up before it would seem you have issues with being a bit too demanding and perhaps he has seen this side of you before...?

 

You have a total break down in communication and you are meeting it with silence. that isn't going to help at all. Who knows what he is thinking or feeling? Certainly not you because you aren't talking to him...

[bubblegum]

No, I wasn't clear about his jobs, he has his own side job in addition to his regular 9 to 5. I knew about his deadlines, he told me all this before he asked me about the Friday. Those deadlines aren't all that urgent. There was no change in their status.

 

And I have not ever been too demanding about his time, not at all. I think he said what he said about "when you act this way it is hard to be with you" was because he didn't want to talk about why he was flaking on our plans. It was his way of switching the focus on to me instead of him.

 

I am meeting his last comment to me with silence because I don't know how to handle it, which is why I'm asking for help on this site! And why is it all on me to reach out? HE flaked on me twice, and HE has been the one trying to get back with me. I finally lower my guard and BAM he does this.

[Trialbyfire]

Did you two ever seriously talk about what made you break up? If so, was there any resolution or commitment from him to change?

[Island Girl]

I broke up with my exbf a couple months or so ago and I went NC a few weeks at a time here and there. I'd always eventually answer one of his calls, he'd want to see me, etc. So this last time I've seen him a few times after coming to a place where I wasn't very emotional -- leading with my head instead of my heart. We got along great, never talked much about heavy issues and all that. I wasn't initiating much communication or getting together, I wanted him to do it because part of the reason I broke up with him was that I felt he was pulling away from me, but wasn't actually breaking up.

 

So you broke up with him because you thought he was pulling away. Was that discussed at the time?

 

You went no contact but have since started seeing him sporadically. Was there a discussion of relationship expectations?

 

You say you haven't talked about anything heavy but clearly what you expect from the relationship is not what you are getting so if it wasn't put out there, how would he know what your expectations are? And how do you know what his are?

 

If there is an underlying expectation and it was along the lines of playing it day by day then that is what you are getting. Day to day things can change and evolve or not. But lack of communication as far as your feelings or frustrations won't help you get what you want.

[bubblegum]

Did you two ever seriously talk about what made you break up? If so, was there any resolution or commitment from him to change?

 

Yes, we talked about it after we broke up. He said he was pulling away because he was confused and that he regrets pushing me away every time he did it. I said I'd had enough and if he wants out, he can have it. So started NC, but he tried breaking it over and over and here we are.

[bubblegum]

If there is an underlying expectation and it was along the lines of playing it day by day then that is what you are getting. Day to day things can change and evolve or not. But lack of communication as far as your feelings or frustrations won't help you get what you want.

 

Yes, we are playing it day by day - part of that is that when he makes plans with me he has to give me notice if he's going to change them. That was one way he was pushing me away, by flaking at the last minute. On my side, I'm not going to be such a doormat and allow that kind of behavior. I was basically teaching him it was ok to do that to me because I wouldn't put my foot down.

 

So that's why I let him take the lead regarding getting together. Then I finally initiated and he essentially flaked by not being able to make it in time for dinner like we planned, but still wanting to get together later that night. He didn't let me know this, I had to call him and ask why he's late. This is old behavior on his part. My new behavior was to say no, it's too late, we aren't getting together tonight.

 

Regarding the Friday night getaway thing: he invited me the weekend prior -- a huge sign that he's trying hard, so I was impressed. But he never cancelled it really, just when trying to make up to me about missing our dinner date, said he'll make it up to me on Saturday. I said what about Friday? Then he just said he had to work, as if he forgot all about his invitation to me. So instead of just accepting that and not focusing on why he hadn't told me that earlier, and changing my own Saturday plans (like I would've in the past) I asked him why he can't work on Saturday instead of Friday so we could proceed as scheduled. My time is important too. That's when he said what he said about "when you act this way it makes it hard to be with you." He didn't take responsibility. Instead I feel he was turning it around on me.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, we talked about it after we broke up. He said he was pulling away because he was confused and that he regrets pushing me away every time he did it. I said I'd had enough and if he wants out, he can have it. So started NC, but he tried breaking it over and over and here we are.

So then he got you back to an extent and once comfortable, reverted to neglect. Is this how you see it?

[bubblegum]

So then he got you back to an extent and once comfortable, reverted to neglect. Is this how you see it?

 

Yes, this is how I'm feeling right now. Of course he could've been mixed up about the days (friday vs saturday) and that type of thing. But I'm not sure, and I don't like how I feel. He avoids conflict, btw, which is why talking to him is difficult, he gets very defensive, as he did over this.

 

So at this point I don't know what to do. This is why I'm asking for some outside perspective on this. Which I GREATLY appreciate. I do think I have trouble seeing how my actions impact him.

[BCCA]

People dont change. From time to time, they might give you a glimpse of being someone else, but the underlying person that they are will always be there. It seems to me that this guy isn't interested in making the kind of effort that would make you happy. He kind of wants things to just be ready for when he feels like it, but doesnt give you a lot to expect in return.

 

Changing/canceling plans is kind of disrespectful, too. Unless something urgent came up that doesn't leave any other choice, if it was important enough, he could have met up with you. Also, the part about coming over - late at night and skipping dinner? Do I really need to spell out what that was about? He wasnt looking for a night on the town, he was looking for a couple hours in the bedroom.

 

when you act this way it makes it hard to be with you

 

Translation: everything is your fault, dont call me on my sh*t or I'm going to back away and act like youre crazy.

[bubblegum]

Changing/canceling plans is kind of disrespectful, too. Unless something urgent came up that doesn't leave any other choice, if it was important enough, he could have met up with you. Also, the part about coming over - late at night and skipping dinner? Do I really need to spell out what that was about? He wasnt looking for a night on the town, he was looking for a couple hours in the bedroom.

 

when you act this way it makes it hard to be with you

 

Translation: everything is your fault, dont call me on my sh*t or I'm going to back away and act like youre crazy.

 

Yup BCCA, these are my concerns! Which is why I said no to his getting together after "dinnertime," as well as that I wanted to send the message that it's not ok to change plans at last minute and think I'm ok with it.

 

And your translation is pretty much what I felt.

 

So what to do now? Go NC which seems a little immature and passive at this moment to me? Or confront him about how what he did and said made me feel and see what he says? I don't mean confront in an aggressive manner, but somehow talk about it. But how? And then what do I do to follow it up? I have to follow my words with action. I don't want him thinking that what he said to me has made me back off and that I'm just sitting here waiting for him to want to get together again, scared to piss him off. What I am is angry -- not blowing steam angry, but a low level of simmering offense. It's rather empowering actually!

 

I'm trying to also see things from his point of view. What else could he be thinking my non-response to his statement means? I'm asking all these questions because I want to speak and behave EFFECTIVELY.

[Trialbyfire]

"If you're looking for a girlfriend of convenience, I won't be that person. You need to show me some respect, if you want to keep me around. When you change two sets of plans in one week to make things convenient for you, it appears to me that what I want doesn't matter."

[BCCA]

Silence speaks volumes. Dont reward his bad behavior by feeling the need to explain why youre going NC. It's obvious enough, he knows why. He doesnt want to see it for what it is, but trust me - he'll know why youre annoyed with him. By no responing at all, youre sending the message that this sort of behavior is unacceptable, and not even worth your time. If thats what he's bringing to the table, youre not interested.

 

I'm trying to also see things from his point of view

 

No offense, but dont. His point of view is irrelevant. All that matters is how YOU feel when he does what he does. He probably has excuses for everything, most people do. But at the end of the day, theyre excuses, and if you were worth an effort, he would be making one. He's not, and not only that, he doesn't really seem to give any indication that he will anytime soon. Sounds to me like he's lost in his own world of trying to be selfish and seeing who will let him get away with it.

 

Let him figure it out on his own, and come talk to you when he's ready to play the game the right way. Don't waste your time and effort on explaining pretty obvious things to someone who isnt making any effort for you. Every single person in the entire world should have fully expected a pissed off response when they flaked on a girl, tried to ask her if he could stop by for a booty call, and then gave her a BS reason for not being able to be upfront.

[bubblegum]

"If you're looking for a girlfriend of convenience, I won't be that person. You need to show me some respect, if you want to keep me around. When you change two sets of plans in one week to make things convenient for you, it appears to me that what I want doesn't matter."

 

Sounds pretty good, and nicer than what I would've said on my own, haha! But then there's what BCCA advises...

[Trialbyfire]

I believe in communication because no one can read your mind. Most often people who try are 99% wrong and will ascribe the worst, to what might have been a simple statement. Once you've communicated your issues, it's up to him to meet your expectations or not. If he doesn't, then dump him like a hot rock. No mercy.

[bubblegum]

Every single person in the entire world should have fully expected a pissed off response when they flaked on a girl, tried to ask her if he could stop by for a booty call, and then gave her a BS reason for not being able to be upfront.

 

I agree, and thank you so much for the validation, I really need it, especially since it has apparently taken me this long to feel strongly that he's taken advantage of my flexibility.

 

However, I'm concerned that by the time he gets around to contacting me again, my simmer will have calmed, and I won't get the message through to him. As well, he might have forgotten the weight of the issue by then, and simply regard me as hanging onto some past anger, and view me as being all upset by him, vindictive, whatever. NOT that I care how he views me. What I care about is making him realize that I AM AWARE of how he's treating me. Whether he's doing it intentionally or not, he's treating me poorly and I AM AWARE OF IT. I really want him to realize this, if nothing else happens between us ever.

 

Let me say this, I am not a wreck over this, I am not wishing I'd handled things differently.. the NC periods since we broke up have really helped me see things clearly, less emotionally, and have given me strength. No doubt I'll have moments of less strength here and there, but I know how it goes, 2 steps forward, 1 back etc etc.

[bubblegum]

I believe in communication because no one can read your mind. Most often people who try are 99% wrong and will ascribe the worst, to what might have been a simple statement. Once you've communicated your issues, it's up to him to meet your expectations or not. If he doesn't, then dump him like a hot rock. No mercy.

 

yes, I'm leaning this way, but I have to say I'm not so confident in my ability to follow through once I speak to him again. And I think he might test me.

[You'reasian]

Silence speaks volumes. Dont reward his bad behavior by feeling the need to explain why youre going NC. It's obvious enough, he knows why. He doesnt want to see it for what it is, but trust me - he'll know why youre annoyed with him. By no responing at all, youre sending the message that this sort of behavior is unacceptable, and not even worth your time. If thats what he's bringing to the table, youre not interested.

 

I'm trying to also see things from his point of view

 

No offense, but dont. His point of view is irrelevant. All that matters is how YOU feel when he does what he does. He probably has excuses for everything, most people do. But at the end of the day, theyre excuses, and if you were worth an effort, he would be making one. He's not, and not only that, he doesn't really seem to give any indication that he will anytime soon. Sounds to me like he's lost in his own world of trying to be selfish and seeing who will let him get away with it.

 

Let him figure it out on his own, and come talk to you when he's ready to play the game the right way. Don't waste your time and effort on explaining pretty obvious things to someone who isnt making any effort for you. Every single person in the entire world should have fully expected a pissed off response when they flaked on a girl, tried to ask her if he could stop by for a booty call, and then gave her a BS reason for not being able to be upfront.

 

No offense, but you sound kinda bitter?

[Trialbyfire]

Communication, resolution whether it's rolling over some of the time or compromising and maintaining your boundaries for acceptable behaviour, help to make a successful relationship.

 

If everyone keeps silent and holds NC like a grudge, the relationship will never work. Same goes for his immature style of communication by deferring blame.

 

Less pride, more caring, you two!

[BCCA]

No offense' date=' but you sound kinda bitter?[/quote']

 

I certainly dont mean to come off that way. Sorry if I sound bitter, but trust me, I've been through it all, and above all else, I try and be realistic. It's not helpful to tell someone what they want to hear when I dont think its the right thing to do. I would rather sound 'bitter' than blindly give out false hopes.

 

I'm not so confident in my ability to follow through once I speak to him again. And I think he might test me

 

This is why I said what I did. He will definitely test your limits, especially if he's been living outside the scope of what you need to be happy. I really dont think anything you say is going to change or help anything. Actions speak louder than words. So instead of telling him how he's bothered you, why dont you show him that youre annoyed and let him see what happens when he acts that way - i.e. he gets nothinng from you. If you feel the need to give him a call and say what you need to get off your chest so you feel better, please do. But you already said he doesnt listen and gets defensive - I would just expect more of the same. Again, Im only giving my opinion, please do what you want.

[bubblegum]

Communication, resolution whether it's rolling over some of the time or compromising and maintaining your boundaries for acceptable behaviour, help to make a successful relationship.

 

If everyone keeps silent and holds NC like a grudge, the relationship will never work. Same goes for his immature style of communication by deferring blame.

 

Less pride, more caring, you two!

 

 

Ha ha absolutely! We've both said and laughed more than once, twice, three times about how stubborn we each are...

 

Right, and I don't want to hold NC like a grudge.

[bubblegum]

So instead of telling him how he's bothered you, why dont you show him that youre annoyed and let him see what happens when he acts that way - i.e. he gets nothinng from you. If you feel the need to give him a call and say what you need to get off your chest so you feel better, please do. But you already said he doesnt listen and gets defensive - I would just expect more of the same. Again, Im only giving my opinion, please do what you want.

 

Yes, this is my dilemma. But I don't feel I'd be telling him how I feel just to get it off my chest, if so, I would've done so by now. Perhaps I'm thinking of trying the high road and communicating, watching to see if he acts as usual and gets defensive... a personal test so to speak. I'm afraid if I wait for him to contact me my energy will be lost, I'll tell myself to give him another chance without really letting him know how I feel, and this will happen again.

 

I don't think I'm just asking for permission to contact him because I'm scared to let him go, looking for an excuse, living in la-la land...

 

I really appreciate opposing views... it helps me think more evenly, ask myself the tough questions, all that.

[BCCA]

I think youre being rational about it, and honestly giving the guy a fair chance - he is very lucky. Most people would have simple said 'next' and moved on.

 

I'll leave you with this: past behavior is a good indication of future behavior. If he's acted a certain way in the past, chances are thats the way he's going to be toward you forever. I dont think its a terrible idea to see how he acts when you talk to him, just please be strong enough to do what you need to if you get the response you think you will.

 

Good luck

[bubblegum]

The f-ing a-hole finally admitted what was "distracting" him... his f-ing real estate agent! Lying son of a B! He's walking the property with her today and he actually thinks he can come over after? What a sack of Sh*t! I have not known hatred but I think I feel it now. A-hole. I hate him, I actually think I do! What the hell do I do now?