My husband had an affair and I can't get over it!!!

[EllieJ]

Hi,

My husband and I have been married for 17 years, We have 3 children, 1 Grandchild and another on the way. I thought we were happy but apparently he did not. I found out about 6 months ago that he was having an affair. I found out when she called me and told me to take care of my husband. She called me to spite him because he was trying to break it off with her. She told me this.

I can't stop thinking about it and I do not know how to try to get over it. I have been in counseling and am on medication. I forget about it for a while then something reminds of it and then I dwell on it constantly. What can I do to get over it? (Or to at least not dwell on it so much)

Also, when I first found out about the affair, my husband was courting me all over again. Now that he has me (or thinks he does) he has stopped. I do not know how to tell him that I am not happy now. He never wants to discuss anything to do with the affair. As far as he is concerned it is over and there is no need to talk about it anymore. After all this time I still really don't know why except there were never any clean towels or soda in the fridge when he wanted it and she convinced him that I had a boyfriend ( I DIDN'T) because I spent a lot of money.

I would love to hear from women that have been through this and men who have done it. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks,

EllieJ

[BadMan]

Dump his butt and move on. My father did that to my Mother and she is all messed up about it still.

If she had just broke it off with him right away she would have been better off. Don'y let him get away with it.

Just my opinion. I don't believe in second chances with this stuff.

[onepettyone]

HI!, I'm going through something similar, except I think yours might be worse because you were together longer. I have been with my husband for 6 years but we've only been married a year in June. I found out he was having an affair. It turned out to be a girl I know, and she's a total skank, so I have NO SELF ESTEEM now. The affair only lasted 3 weeks and he told me that he was in love with her and he had never met anyone like her in his life. I threw him out, and he came back, then within a week I threw him out again for treating me like I was the one that did something wrong.

 

When he came back the 2nd time, he was totally sincere (in my opinoin) and he was so glad I took him back and that he was sorry for what he did and blah blah blah. The problem is, she lives 4 blocks away and I live in a small town where I have to look at here almost daily. I can't get it out of my head, and he seems to think I'M the insane one for dwelling on it. I really don't know what to tell you except that I, personally, think that my husband will do it again, no matter how much he says he won't.

 

I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone and that it's not your fault. Soda and towels??? He should have so lucky to have that be the only problem. There are women who cheat on good men, and don't cook or clean and spend their money on drugs! Hang in there, but if you're like me, I think you'll never get over it. I'm a basket case about it.

 

Take care, and good luck, Dodi

[GIZMO]

I personally think, once a cheater always a cheater..

You have one life to life, and by letting this man sleep with other woman, then coming back to you saying how sorry he was blah blah blah will make up for it! Well it will not..

 

You are too good to let this man treat you that way.. If anything, teach him a lesson and kick his butt out of the house for awhile and make him realize what you mean to him..

 

If you take this man back so soon, then he will think it is okay to do it again.

[sonofhud]

No one truely loves you if they cheat on you....Its unbearable hard to do, but you must not forgive him. You need to break it up with him and try to move on. You will be happier in the long run.

[Been there]

EllieJ Please do not leave your marriage. This happened to me a little over two years ago. My husband did not like to talk about what he did either. As long as you are sure he is not cheating anymore don't leave him. However he needs to open up and talk and let you know why he did this and yes you both need to keep the romance alive you need to cort each other all the time and make each other number 1 in your lives as long as he is willing to do these things it will all work out. Please listen to me I've been there and there is no truth to once a cheater always a cheater each case is different. You must find out the reasons why he did what he did. He must be sorry for what he did and account for his time now. Six months is nothing in the healing stage, hell it's over 2 years for me and I still have pain, but my husband has made it possible for me to forgive him. Please keep contact with me and I hope i can be of help I know the pain and confusion you are feeling.

[LadyX]

I'd let him go....he says he cheated on you because there were no clean towels or drinks in the fridge? Cheaters always have a way of switching around the blame, don't they? If this woman told him you were cheating, because you spent alot of money....he should have asked you about it instead of having an affair. If you don't end it, you better be on top of that housework, you wouldn't want to give him another excuse to cheat.

[mixedup1]

I have not cheated, but have been cheated on when I knew nothing was really wrong. Or I should say I had no idea that an affair could be happening. I feel your pain. Only if a person has been cheated on and is totally devoted to the spouse who cheated, the pain is a pain that can't be described in words. I think it's as close if not worse than the feeling you get when a loved one dies. It's a helpless, gut wrenching, demeaning, insult, humiliation, well, you name it, if it hurts its there as the pain. I can't get over it either. I wish I could tell you how to do it. At least your husband has stopped. My wife just keeps screwing this guy...but ya were gonna get a divorce, which is another type of pain. But let me tell ya, I feel for anyone who is in this situation and has been hurt by a cheating spouse. Once is ENOUGH, more than that---unbearable....life will be miserable for some time. You may want to talk to a psychologist or someone just to get the feelings out. It sure would be nice if these spouses who cheat on their so called loved one would have the decency to talk about it. But the guilt they feel is great and they too are depressed and are having a hard time. Communication is the key to get things out in the open. Denial and the blame game will make things only worse.

 

I wish life was easier, if we could only turn time back or take a forget the problem pill, hehe....nah, we all gain some kind of strength in dealing with the hardships of life. Unfortunately you never think its going to be comming from the person you plan on spending the rest of your life with and whom you love more than anything. Man, I get so frustrated at this, very hard to deal with. Yes, little things remind me too of the affair, and you talk about boiling blood, Its a good thing I have a conscience, or my wifes lover would be 6 feet under. So should she, but, I am a forgiving person too. You have to forgive and understand what made your husband do this....if you want to stay with him. Don't let him get away with it and treat it like its no big deal. Thats psychological abuse, and it will drive you nuts. I would do some research and put pieces together and see if you had anything to do with it...driving him to pursue an affair. Dr. Harley, has some exellent stuff on the web. It takes two to tango, and believe me sister, nothing you could have done would justify him having an affair. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe anything justifies having an affair while still married. But I realised I did not give my wife enough attention, emotional and physical. But that doesnt justify her affair. It helped me to understand why she did what she is still doing but were done, as good as anyways. Your not, your husband stopped. That is good. Now try to work it out. Maybe you won't be able to get it out of your head, but time does heal, you will never forget about it but you may not feel that pain as much down the road. I would be suspicious, but also try to gain your trust back in him. He needs to work on some issues too, no question about that. I am sorry, wish I had a cure for this pitiful disease a lot of people have. I really do. Until next time good luck and god bless.

[cenilla]

It takes time to heal. All of your feelings are normal. you were cheated on, you were betrayed...You are in pain, if you ignore the injury or expect it to heal overnight, you may do yourself much worse damage than what you have already suffered.

 

I know you dont want a divorce. After 17 Years, he is a major part of your life, children, grandchildren, extended families...all the bad times and good times, ...a home a family you build together...

 

"once a cheater, always cheater?" Not every cheater is the same, not evey affair is the same. there are 3 different typies of affairs:

 

1. just a fling: the man has no intention to leave his wife, he just didnt practice self-discipline and moral at that moment, but afterwards, he felt guilty to his family and his wife

2. long-term affair: maybe started as a fling, but has developed into a long-term relationship, a lot of emotional investiment...

3. Serial-killer: these kind of men are constantly having affairs. always have new woman on the side. they were never be able to honor their wives and their marriage vow.

 

If your husband just had a fling, but had no intention to leave you for the other woman, and if you still love him, then, forgive him and try to build the trust again.

 

Your husband doesnt wanna mention it again, as he feels guilty and embarassed. But you do need to discuss with him, ask him, what does he need from a new lover that you are not providing, is it romance, spontaneity, more time together, openness, or emotional support? explore the possibilties to improve your marriage...After 17 years together, do you take each other for granted? are there boredoms growing day by day? tell him you cherish your marriage and are willing to forgive him and work things out,....but after you both sort your thoughts clear, and a reach an agreement about how you will move on, then, the case is sealed, let bygone be bygone, dont ever mention this again just as he wished.

 

It is possilbe to survive from infidelity and make marriage stronger and happier. If your husband is a decent guy, he will appreciate your forgivness and respect you for that. I was told that if you cook for a man, he only gives you 1 score, but if you forgive him for the mistake he made, he gives you 40 scores. so, handle it wisely. forgive him and but dont forget the lesson you both learn.

 

Many people suggest you leave your husband and move on, I believe these are young groups. after 17 years marriage, you are emotionally and financial bound together, Can you really leave everything behind and move on if you leave him? think it again.

 

I am not married and have no experience about Infidelity, but just my 2 Cents, take it or leave it.

[LadyX]

Originally posted by cenilla

Many people suggest you leave your husband and move on, I believe these are young groups.

 

I am 35 years old and was married 14 years. But I feel if he refuses to discuss it, and turns the blame on her for such lame reasons....she's better off without him.

[cenilla]

Originally posted by LadyX

I am 35 years old and was married 14 years. But I feel if he refuses to discuss it, and turns the blame on her for such lame reasons....she's better off without him.

 

Everyone's situation is different. I've met people who got divorced after 25 years of marriage.

 

Actually, I admire you for walking away from him, it takes confidence and courage. Not every woman has such self-respect and self esteem. Here is an another story:

 

Catherine, 35 yrs old, her husband cheats on her all the time. First, he got involved with one of his employees(he is a hopeless liar, at first, he told me the girl was 24, later 27, finally, I found out she was 37 ), and then, he got involved with some girls from online chat rooms, the youngest one was only 18...then, it seemed that he met his "soul-mate", he want to leave the marriage. so he told his wife that he was in love with someone else and wanted out ...I thought his wife was going to threw him out of the house, but to my surprise, with out any hesitance,without having any rules set, but with tons of tears, she forgave him begged him not to leave and even asked her daughter to do the plea (stupidest woman)....he stayed, but he is still cheating on her ( or shall we say it is not cheating anymore, since she knows)

 

I have no respect on this couple. the husband has lousy self-discipline, the wife has low self-esteem.....the husband didnt want to divorce her anymore because he didnt want to support 2 households, the wife didnt have guts to divorce him as she was afraid of being alone...lacking of employment skills...

 

what a couple!

[furby19]

how did you find out about this. that is a very sick story. i think that the wife in your story needs counseling. last but not least, if you know about this story that you have just posted why would you advise someone to be with a cheater or anyone that they are not happy with ?

[cenilla]

Originally posted by furby19

how did you find out about this. that is a very sick story. i think that the wife in your story needs counseling. last but not least, if you know about this story that you have just posted why would you advise someone to be with a cheater or anyone that they are not happy with ?

 

How did i find out? he never tried to hide his love affairs from me. he told me it's about the openess between "friends", and most dramatic part: I met the 18 yrs old girl in online chat room....Can you believe it?? such a small world!

 

The wife, has been under counseling for years. twice a week. I just dont know what kind of Shrinks she's been seeing! it doesnt help at all! and aslo, she pratices Yoga, too. I dont see this help, either.

 

Why would I advice Elliej to stay? as her story is different. it seems to me, she didnt want to leave, she is just having trouble to get over it. and as I said in my previous post, every Cheater is different. Here is another story:

 

Peggy and I went to college together, we are very close like sisters. and one day she showed up at my door with red and tearing eyes. she just found out that her husband had a one-night stand with a prostitude when she was pregnant...she was furious... she said she probably would feel better if he'd slept with a decent woman, now she felt so disgusting, she couldnt let him touch her anymore, she wanted a divorce! then, she started looking for a new apartment..

 

But It seemed to me, they were always a loving couple, very comparable, and very happy with each other...so, the foudation was there...and, her husband, he said he loved her deeply, but he made a big mistake, he went for it becuase of curiosity and also, Peggy was not interested in sex during her pregnacy... he felt guilty and promised it wouldnt happen again if she ever gave her second chance....

 

Ok, to make the story short, although it took a lot of work, they made up and moved on, now their daugher is 8 years old, her husband did keep his promises, he is so grateful to her forgiveness, the accident made their marriage stronger, and now they are happier than ever...

 

Can you see, this is a different story. The husband is not a serial Killer, he didnt have histroy before, and the fling didnt last...he regretted for what he did, so he is forgivable. And Peggy, a very independent woman, she stood up for herself, she knew when to confront him when to forgive him, and not to hold his mistake against him...

 

To leave or to Stay, you have to take everything into consdieration, and make sure it's the best for everyone who is involved, especially kids. It's important that you know when to put efforts on and when to give up, since life is so short.

[cenilla]

Not presently cheating?

 

Unless the following has been shared with your wife,

 

".....

 

I dream of your touch and the feel of your skin

I came to you in uncertain times

But you opened your heart

And let me in

 

.....

 

Because I don’t know how to get back into your arms

But I do know that I hold you in my heart

And I love you.."

 

----By Jim Branigan????? more deceitful!

[liz]

Hi

 

My husband had an affair with as they all called her the works bike. She would go with anybody (she was the slag of the work !!) I was never allowed to go anywhere or talk to anybody because he was so possesvive. I still don't understand what went wrong???. As you have said about the courting over again I have have had all that too. At first the flowers, the "oh how wonderfull you are" You will know what I mean". I find it so hard to talk to my friends about things even after 3 years. My husband took me away for a weekend in1999 for our 14th wedding anniversary "what a surprise that was to me". The following week he was telling me we weren't getting on. He then told me about her. I was going to leave. My were bags packed and our 2 kids were wondering what the hell was going on. We are still together now and going away for a week together this weekend. It has been so hard for me to cope with this as I tend to keep thing to myself too much. Don't give up on your relationship as things will get easier through time. He is even more unhappy and possesive when I go out but he will just have to accept it.

 

Wishing you happiness

Liz

[jlo221984]

Dear Ellie, Hi my name is Jennifer I am going through the same thing as you dont feel bad is your husband still with you now? Mine is this is the 2nd time we broke up already but he only cheated on me once. look dont lose hope my husband is back with me and its going ok your husband needs to talk to you more and be more open with you he needs to talk about it not hide from it. Look this is how my cheater exsperince started well he works with the girl he cheated with and they were fooling around I dont know flirting with chapstick? I love my husband alot I have a son from him and he is 2 years old we were going through court and everything it was terrible I still cant trust him yet but I am trying the hardest thing is that he still sees her at work but luckly my mom works there but that doesnt mean anything you know? well anyways he was acting weird with me and I asked him whats up with you and he would always say he was tried or he had a headache ya whatever that was the first day he started acting that way well then the next day he was acting the same way I just asked him striaght out did you find someone else that you like and he said yes I was so shocked and it hurt me because he was my first and my only for 4 years. well anyway then a couple of min later she called his cell and then I knew for sure he was with her I asked how long has this been going on and he said a week but I think it was longer but whatever. So since you know we have a son together I had to let him see him so he would come over and the one day he came over he kissed me and he said he wanted to be with me but not right now? He said he couldnt leave her now because he cared about her and I just lost all faith but then the next day I started to get emotionally sick and my mom called him and told him dont come around my daughter any more she is getting sick. and he had no response so she said you know what can I talk to wanda thats the girl he cheated with and she did get on the phone and I talk to her and she told me to come over because I told her the truth that he kissed me and she got kinda mad so brave and crazy me so in love with him I went he picked me up and we all talked and she said who do you want to be with and he said wanda I love wanda but it took him 5 min to say he loved her lol. well one day he went up to my mom at work and said I am coming home tell jennifer thats me and my mom called and it was hard letting him come back cause I knew everyone would talk but I just figured lets try again so I am here again with him and things are going pretty good the only thing I ask of him is that he doesnt talk to her to respect me. and so far he has told her to leave him alone and he has been listening to me that I know of? so things are turning out pretty good and I want you to show your husband attention love him do all that you have to do in your relationship to make it work and he has to do the same I hope he is man enough to treat you good cause he should be sucking up your ass because you took him back that was your decision and I hope it works for you but listen if he does it again leave him I know its hard but do it. well if you want you can respond back to me and sorry for writing alot I know your tired right about now lol. well god bless you and your children. LOVE, JENNIFER

[camanchie22]

My husband also cheated. He says it was only a friendship that it was nothing more. I caught him on tape talking to her several times. He said it was over with her and about 3 or 4 months later I caught him talking to her again. he claims she called him and would not leave him alone. I don't know what to believe. He said it was never sexually he only talked to her. I have been married for twelve years and we have one son. I hate to throw away 12 years of marriage but I can't stop thinking about it. I wonder what really was going on between them. I honestly believe he is lieing. I told him I wanted a divorce and I wanted him to leave and he still would not admit to anything. He claimed he was talking to her because i didn't listen to him like she did. I have passed her on the road and me be with him and she would hollow and blow at him. He says she want leave him alone. any advice?

[garciagirl]

I do not know if this will help but here goes.

 

It has been six months since I found out about my husbands affair.

We had been married 16 years He , I and the OW are all 52. I found out he had been having an affair with this same OW woman for 34 years. From the time he was 18, through one prior marriage and a dozen girlfriends she was always there. The affair had been going in my home ( purchased before I met him) from the very beginning ,when we first moved in together 17 years ago. We have 2 daughters ages 14 and 11. My husband talked me into using the OW as a babysitter since they were born. He told me she was an old family friend of his deceased mother. This gave her free access to my home children and him .

 

Our marriage had been difficult as he was very moody and picky towards me and the kids. I have found out it his moodiness and continuous picking on us was because he would have "fights" with the OW. If she would not let him have sex with her he would take it out on us. If they had a fight he would taken out his aggressions on us not her.

 

She is out of state now and to the best of my knowledge he has not seen or contacted her since "D" day.

 

I did not kick him out as his therapist told me he was suffering from abused wife syndrome with the OW.

That as long as he never saw her again I should try to work on our marriage

 

Our daughters know everything. As she attempted to blackmail me into letting her back into our lives.

 

 

I still think about her and him everyday day at Least 2 or 3 times an hour and I can not stop. Lie after lie after lie just pops into my head. Like oh yes thats why he was not at the hospital after the kids where born etc.

 

All the years of moodiness and the fights with me were almost exclusively due to his and her relationship having problems. I replay his words to me and the pain they caused me is now doubled.

 

I am extremely depressed that the whole last 17 years have been a lie

 

Whenever we have sex its as if she is right there in my mind in the bed with us. I feel dirty .

 

I walk through my house and every place they had sex (and there are quite a few places) seems to mock me.

 

Through many talks I have found out that in truth my husband never loved me. that he thought he might be able to love me but never did. But as she was married and refused to leave her husband I was the next best thing. He says I was too "trusting" and "open hearted" and he knew if he married me me he could really have both of us .

 

That he "loves " me now. But did not know it until he thought he had lost me. Is that a pathetic piece of b.s. or what?

 

My kids have psychological issues. And have frequent "melt downs" (remember they were used as an excuse for the Husband and OW to get together.) Although they never "saw' anything they feel used.

 

I am sorry I agreed to let him live here as long as he seeks help and does not see the OW.

 

This is living hell.

 

The only and I mean ONLY saving grace is that he admits his errors. If I or the kids want to talk it over again for the 10,000th time he will listen to us rant and rave and accept all the guilt.

 

This at least give me and them some validation.

 

If he would not discuss it or accept fault I think I would end up drunk in the closet swaying back and forth and humming.

 

His acceptance of responsibility for being what I think of as the most immoral I personally have known is the only thing that helps. That and his perhaps real regret for his actions.

 

Do you really want to live like this? After 6 months for me its not really any better. It may take years. It may never get better. My husband at least accept responsibility and talks about it whenever I or the kids want. If your husband will not do this then what hope do you have for any small amount of peace?

 

 

 

.

[jmargel]

Wow..

 

To me that is a faith worse than death. For someone to be so selfish and so uncaring. Realize though none of this was your fault. Nothing you said or did caused this to happen. It was pure circumstance that you two crossed paths and the situation started.

 

What you are experiencing I would assume is very normal for what you went through. I'm surprised you have any faith or trust in ANYTHING at all. I give you alot of credit for keeping your heart in the right place. Be there for your kids and I know they will do the same. Your husband has some very serious mental problems. Psychopaths are not 'crazy' people, they are people who have truly no feelings for others. It must've been a full time job for him to keep you two not knowing who each other was. I would think that would be too exhausting to even try to pursue, not to mention the moral issue. I guess you can say he's a relationship psychopath. He doesn't know the true meaning of love and he never will. Kinda sad if you ask me. He is saying this now because he knows the game is over. If she would've never called, things would be the same.

 

What you need to do is start focusing on YOU. You don't get any extra points in heaven trying to stay with a guy to benefit him. Also try to remember not to base your self-worth on what he did. I know it's easier said than done because we weren't there for those 34 years and even though you been through all this abuse you still find comfort in it.

 

You need counciling for yourself. Has he done anything besides just listen to you? I just can't understand how someone could be so cruel to someone they married.

[Becks84]

I agree with "Cenilla" and "BeenThere"! At the least, your husband needs to discuss this with you as much as you need and want to. I understand that you feel like you need reasons, and he needs to do his best to give you what you need. You will need to go through a healing process, and he needs to be the one to help you through it. You know him best and you are the only one who can determine if he will hurt you again and if you two should stay together. Time is the ultimate healer! If you decide to stay with him, then all you need besides his constant comfort and support, is time. Time to get over it and truly put it behind you, so that you no longer have any resentment. Built up resentment will only continue to come back over and over again in different ways. He needs to give you as much time as you need, and you also need to give yourself all the time you need. Don't try and force yourself to get over it. I am not married, but my boyfriend recently cheated on me. He is not a cheater. I have been with him for 2 years, and he is just not that kind of person. He is truly wonderful. (I won't give the details of my situ. It is posted elsewhere.) But he has been amazing as far as letting me scream, yell, and cry when it first happened, and letting me say and do whatever makes me feel better. He says he is willing to take anything I give him because he doesnt even deserve to be with me anymore. This is one reason I decided to stay. He is helping me to feel better every day. He is giving me the time and support I need, and I tell ya it is just what I need! I feel better every day, and I know I will one day be completely over what happened, and things can go back to exactly the way they were. I have hope and faith, and I am putting my trust in him again because he has convinced me I can do so. Find comfort in whatever helps you - reading, this forum, your faith. I have since taken up yoga, began reading a lot of helpful books, and have returned to my faith and religion. (My boyfriend has since quit drinking.) SO...in a nutshell, I feel you need to take care of yourself right now and your husband needs to take care of you as well, however you see fit! You deserve it! I hope it all works out the way you want it, and I hope I was of some help although my situation is different. Keep us posted

[hulaannie]

I just got the truth out of my husband today. We've been married for 15 years and have two kids, two and three years old. I've financially supported him through most of our marriage, while he's worked many different jobs to make ends meet (I'm a teacher.) Since our babies were born, he's been a stay-at-home dad, although I'm the one who wanted to stay home. (I've got the steady job with insurance.)

 

The thing that really kills me, is that it's been going on for a year. This isn't a fling, it's a relationship. He says he wants to stay with me and work it out, that he'll break it off with her. But how can I stay with him? I never thought I'd get divorced, and I have seen first hand the negative effects of divorce on children. But who's to say that the next time he decides I'm not measuring up he won't do it again? This is the worst dilemma I've ever faced.

[lucyii1]

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I know exactly how u feel, I went trough the same thing myself. My advice for u is to leave him, your marriage would not be the same ever. because u can forget. Let him go and go on with your life.

[ItsMichelle]

My husband didn't want to talk about it either. He says he knew he messed up. He says he realizes what he would be giving up.

 

I still don't think he realizes what he did to me emotionally.

 

I had to look at her every day too. I had to file a restraining order against her. The judge awarded me one against her and her entire family and made her pay for it. That's how severe it was!

 

I thought I was over it, I thought I wasn't, I thought I was, ....................

 

Please see my post for more info on what's going on now.

 

Good luck and I'm sorry for your pain. Please seek counceling for yourself to help yourself decide what's best for you. Only you know in your heart what you can handle and what you can't.

 

I also had a friend who's husband cheated on her. She let him come back because she thought she wanted him and 2 weeks later kicked him out again because she couldn't handle it.

 

It's all about what you can handle.

[Theresa]

I need some advice and I knew that this is the perfect place for that...Now, I'm 17 years old and i've been dating my boyfriend for a little over 2 years. When we first met each other, I was barely 14 and he was 18 going on 19..he was also my big brother's best friend. They did this backyard wrestling thing together and I used to drool over my boyfriend (before he was my boyfriend). He was the perfect guy for me, 6 foot, brown hair, brown eyes, BIG muscles, and Italian, which is my favorite part about him. This also was a good thing when it came to my family cuz we are all Italian.

I knew things were too good to be true, because of course, like any other guy, he had a girlfriend. not a big deal right? WRONG. They were together for over 3 years, so of course I couldn't live my dream of losing my virginity to a virgin...he and his fat, ugly, disgusting thing he called a girlfriend already got to having sex which broke my heart. So I tried to persue him anyways like any young dumb blonde. This is the part I wish I could do all over again:

 

The day before my 15th birthday he informed me that he had broken up with his girlfriend. On the inside I was having a party, on the outside I tried to be the most sympathetic person in the world. So i made my moves on him and he made moves right back, my heart was about to explode. As a few weeks went by things had gotten more intimate between the two of us, but his "ex" was still in his life. Ever since they starting going out they did bowling leagues together cuz he had been bowling since age 9, so it was a big part of his life and since she was too at the time, he wanted her to be a part of it. So every wed. and fri. he was taken away from me to go with her. But I didn't mind it at the time cuz i thought it was cool that even after a bad break up, they could still be friends. I respected him and I respected their situation and I sat back & let things take its course. I just didn't think things were gonna get so bad.

 

One day when I was at my friend's house while he was at work, I got a phonecall from 2 of my friends. The phonecall that would change my life forever. My friends ( who was friends with a girl who worked at the bowling alley) were informing me that my boyfriend and his "ex" were overheard talking about their sex escapades they just had at her house right before bowling. I thought my life was gonna end right there. by the time he got out of work he had no idea that i knew what was going on. And when he walked his sorry ass in that door, we practically attacked him, but of course he denyed it until his face turned blue, that is until he went to my house. His entire attitude changed and he soon opened up and admitted to his adultry deed.

 

At this point I would have done anything to be with him no matter what he did to me. So i forgave him and tried to move on with my life. In my head i felt that the only reason why he did this was because I wasn't giving him enough (sexually), so i gave him more and more and more hoping this would keep up together. Well it didn't. I continually found him hanging out with her, ditching me to go and get drunk with her, going against a packed we had that we were going to be together the first time we ever smoked pot...well he blew that too when he came home one night from bowling high off his ass automatically admitting to me that she was there too. He even went as far as giving her a ride to a friend's house on a night i was away on a religious retreat, even after he promised me he wasn't going to be with her and getting caught by my mother while he was with her...but of course I gave in to him and stayed with him.

 

Just when I thought my nightmare was over...2 months after he cheating on me the first time, I find out that he cheating on me AGAIN WITH HER. I remember that night I was singing a song to him for a school concert and right after it was all over he took me to a parking lot to break my heart once again...of course I stayed with him cuz it hurt soo bad. I lost my virginity to him cuz i thought that would be the only thing that would stop him from doing it again.

 

Its been almost 2 years since he last cheated on me, but I still can't let it go, its like I bottled it up inside for all these years and almost every day I have a nervous break down because of all this....I just can't let it go and its killing me inside....what do i do to make this horrible pain go away??? Please someone help me

[TheFaithfulWife]

Ellie,

I was married 17 years with five kids and was surprised to find that my husband had cheated.

It was pretty serious and he had planned to file for divorce and move this woman into our home.

Its a very long story that I have posted before, but to get to the heart of it. He moved out for 6 months and we sought marriage counseling.

 

We have been in counseling with a marriage counselor for 2 years at a cost of 8000 a year. Is it worth it? Every penny of it!

We go twice a week, one day alone then one day together. We rotate the day alone every week.

 

We have rediscovered each other. Those petty things that you think were the reasons he strayed are not the heart of the matter. It's not the soda in the fridge or the towels, its much more.

 

You need counseling by a certified marriage counselor. It will take a lot of time but if your husband told the other woman that it was over between them then your marriage still has a chance.

 

Those that tell you that you shouldn't take him back have never been where we are at. People now days give up too easy. They don't realize that staying with someone requires work and just because the person you are with has royally screwed up doesn't mean you should'nt give them one more chance.

 

But you said so yourself that you are back into the same rut you were in before the cheating. Until you get counseling you will remain where you are and the same old story will repeat itself. He will cheat again unless you both can find the root of what caused it in the first place.

 

I wish you all the luck and stick with the counseling even if you hear things about yourself you would rather not hear. But he must do the same.

Take care

TFW