How much do you think "guilt" plays in a MM

[Dark-N-Romantic]

going back his wife? Some men seem to struggle with guilt and spirtual things...do you think more men go back for those reasons than don't?

 

It all depends on the person and the circumstances and different reasons for going back. Some reasons are good, some aren't. Some are based on true guilt, some because they know how to manipulate things. But from whatever the reason, it is up to that wife/husband and that spouse to determine how things are going to run.

 

 

DNR

[wildsoul]

Hmm you make a statement here which makes me wonder... You say you had a dad who abandoned you... was very much like your mm... Do you think that you see your father in your mm? Are you trying to make it right, win his love because in your subcousious you are still hurting from wounds from your father? When you choose a man thats like your dad thats some issues you may need to look into. Have you ever gone to IC, done work on the inner child? to heal these old wounds? just wondering... if thats the case you have your answer on the "why". it will be a pattern you will keep repeating until you heal those wounds inside your heart with your father.. just a though,,,

That other post of mine was a big breakthrough today. I don't know if that is the sole purpose of my R with MM, but for sure we can say that he gets that old stuff activated. Yes, I've done oodles of work on it. It was dismaying me today that I even had those bad feelings overwhelm me again. But rationally, I know I've made progress. And optimistically, my R with him could be a chance for me to heal the past AND have a great R as a result. But I do now realize that either way, I'm in for having those buttons pushed. Now, how do I go about creating a different outcome?

[wildsoul]

We'd all love to believe that their vulnerable from the depth of the connection. I'm sorry, don't let him use the Get out of Jail Free card. When a man loves you, he puts you first. He puts your feelings first, and doesn't try to hurt you or lash out at you, just as you do him.

 

He doesn't act like a child. It's more likely he doesn't know how to navigate a healthy R and needs to be guided. He is counting on you letting him get away with bad behavior because of the circumstances. The funny thing about men is that they'll treat you how you let them. Let them treat you less than, and they will. Because R's are hard. They take work. From both partners.

 

He wants a guarantee that everything will work out with you. But there's no guarantee unless you both guarantee it. You both trust each other, you communicate and you are each other's biggest advocates.

 

And finally, if he would go back to his W because you are too challenging means that you weren't meant for each other and he wasn't done with the R with his W. There is nothing you can do that will send him back to her, UNLESS HE WANTS TO BE BACK WITH HER. You would have nothing to do with that decision.

 

What kind of R do you want? Because if you believe all this hocus pocus macho non-feely stuff, you're setting yourself up for an unemotional R. Is that what you want? Your right that you are setting the path for your future together. What kind of future do you want?

 

Do you want to be happy? And what does that mean to you? Is he able to do it?

I agree with everything you wrote. But I think the other things we mentioned about him feeling more nervous at this time also fits with what you wrote.

 

To answer your last questions. I'm pretty clear about what I define as happy, and my guy and I are very aligned about most all of that. That's part of the magic of our R. We have so much love and passion together. However, because of my crappy night/day with him, I'm seriously questioning whether he is able to be happy in the way I want to.

 

It's hugely important to me to be able to have (and resolve) conflicts in a R, without the R ending, and without it going dead from stuffing away feelings. To be able to do that to me would seem like happiness. I don't expect that we are going to be happy all the time, but if we can always end conflicts with happiness then I will feel like I have the best damn R in the world. I want that kind of connection. Nothing less will do.

 

And to be honest, I'm still test-driving my 10-month R. He's not as good at conflict resolution as I need. But I'm hoping that through this phase, we'll learn together how to do that. If not, it will end. But we do have potential. We are building a track record. I need to see him improve a bit though. I'm not going to be the team shrink or do all of the work. Nope.

[GreenEyedLady]

And to be honest, I'm still test-driving my 10-month R. He's not as good at conflict resolution as I need. But I'm hoping that through this phase, we'll learn together how to do that.

 

He probably senses this and this is what's making him nervous.

 

I was with mine 3 years when they split so we had quite a bit of history.

 

I don't blame you for considering it a test drive. And it sounds like you know what you want and you expect him to rise to the occasion.

 

My prediction is that he will realize he eff'd up and then you two can resolve it. I would bet that he needs to be taught how to be in a R. It's a tough time, but if you both communicate, you'll get through it and come out with a stronger R, a stronger foundation and even greater love and respect for one another.

 

The roller coaster just begins when they leave.