Should I keep religion out of the wedding?

[ohhmyandrea]

My fiance and I just recently got engaged, and so plans are underway.

 

I was raised in the Catholic church. He was raised a Lutheran.

 

Ive discussed us possibly getting married in the church I was raised in. He has absolutely no problem with it and is open to the idea of a wedding and continuing involvement with the church.

 

 

However, his parents who are very religious, and Lutheran, may not approve. I wouldn't want them to feel like he is abandoning the church he was raised in.

 

Should I settle for a wedding outside of both denominations?

[Lauriebell82]

Why don't you two sit down and discuss it with his parents? Ask them how they feel about the two of you getting married in a Catholic church. Ultimately, it is your decision though, since you are the ones getting married.

 

By the way, to get married in the Catholic church he will need to agree to raise your children Catholic. Is he okay with that? Are you? If you have a non-dominational ceremony, the Catholic church will not recognize your marriage. So that is something to think about as well.

[taiko]

By the way, to get married in the Catholic church he will need to agree to raise your children Catholic. Is he okay with that? Are you? If you have a non-dominational ceremony, the Catholic church will not recognize your marriage. So that is something to think about as well.

 

Not entirely true, it depends upon the Bishop making the decision. Depending upon the relative strength of the Church in his parrishes some are more liberal then others. They go through a three step process during the 6 month premarriage cycle. First convince the other that Catholics are the true and correct way so he/she converts. Second get the non Catholic to say that any children will be Baptised and raised Catholic. If that fails to get the Catholic to pledge not to convert and to do his/her best to see that the children are raised Catholic.

 

In any case the Bishop will probably take the counsel of the Priest who conducted the premarriage classes

[Lauriebell82]

Not entirely true, it depends upon the Bishop making the decision. Depending upon the relative strength of the Church in his parrishes some are more liberal then others. They go through a three step process during the 6 month premarriage cycle. First convince the other that Catholics are the true and correct way so he/she converts. Second get the non Catholic to say that any children will be Baptised and raised Catholic. If that fails to get the Catholic to pledge not to convert and to do his/her best to see that the children are raised Catholic.

 

In any case the Bishop will probably take the counsel of the Priest who conducted the premarriage classes

 

Yeah, that is what I said. It doesn't sound to me like her fiance wants to convert, therefore he will probably need to agree that his children be raised Catholic. It sounds like the main concern is the parents, therefore I think talking to them about how they feel about the situation is the best route to go.

[taiko]

Yeah, that is what I said. It doesn't sound to me like her fiance wants to convert, therefore he will probably need to agree that his children be raised Catholic. It sounds like the main concern is the parents, therefore I think talking to them about how they feel about the situation is the best route to go.

 

Depending upon the Bishop, where Catholics face more competetion they tend to be more liberal, only she will have to pledge to do her best to see that her children will be raised Catholic. He doesn't have to agree and make that pledge to her Priest. The Catholic Church has the fallback positions because experience has shown that there is a chance to lose her if she is forced to choose between husband and family on one hand or the specific denominational church family on the other hand.

 

The 6 months of premarriage seminars and counseling are likely to be a bigger show stopper then any pledge made to the elders of a specific faith in my opinion.

 

Are Lutherans one of those my way or the highway denominations? Would his parents be likely to have such strong reactions to an inter-denomination marriages. Most so-called mainline Protestant denominations, which Lutherans are generally considered, tend to be in the liberal or religious left camp and don't act like that.

[Moose]

You know what......I'm sick and tired of hearing that the Catholic Church won't recognize a marriage IF the husband or wife doesn't agree to convert, and raise their offspring as a, "Catholic".

 

THEY HAVE NO SAY IN THE MATTER WHAT SO EVER!

 

IF you're a Christian, you should know that we are all ONE body in Christ. As long as it's clear that God is a part of the unity and the covenant is made between husband / wife and God Himself......you can marry inside a friggin' cave for Pete's sake.....get married in the bottom of a pool.....get married while skydiving.....who the flip cares?????

 

As far as the parents are concerned, they have their own, "issues" to worry about.....

 

After all, it's YOUR marriage, YOUR life, and you're suppose to be severing yourself from them.....

 

End of rant....

[taiko]

The short awnser is to the believing Catholic neither Moose or Taiko belong to the Church we are only members of the Christian Community. These threads have concerned ultimately what a Catholic Priest can do and what you can do in a Catholic Church.

 

Since we disagree on this minor doctrine can we then force the Church or a Priest to do our bidding. If we can why not a Muslim, a Gay couple, brother and sister or polygamist?

 

If the Catholic is more then a cultural Catholic then going aginst the rules as interpreted by his/her Bishop opens up a can of worms, theology wise. In Mr+Mrs Taiko's case we got married in his church because we don't hold the same restrictions that the Catholic Church does but her Bishop did sign off on the marriage so Priest don't have to play don't ask, don't tell and she doesn't have to lie if she steps forward to take part in Catholic rituals.

[quankanne]

I'm sick and tired of hearing that the Catholic Church won't recognize a marriage IF the husband or wife doesn't agree to convert, and raise their offspring as a, "Catholic".

 

hang tight, Moose – I just emailed P. Bob, my go-to priest whenever I need something properly explained about Church tradition. I do know that it has to do with keeping a marriage sacramental, and that would entail both parties being on the same page when it comes to faith. There is such a thing as mixed-faith marriages, but in any condition, the couple agrees to raise kids Catholic to allow them to allow them to have access to the seven sacraments She recognizes ...

 

really, the only way the Church *doesn't* recognize a marriage as a sacramental union is if one or both parties isn't "free" to marry. In my particular case, because DH has been married twice before, and his first marriage is considered the sacramentally "valid" marriage in the Church, even though civilly, he's been divorced from W#1 since the early 1970s. Basically, we're committing adultery until we get that marriage annulled. W#2 doesn't count because in the eyes of the church, she's still married to *her* first husband (DH is her second marriage). It gets confusing, but the Church is very particular about the sacraments ...

 

OP, as for upsetting your honey's parents by marrying in your church, well, traditionally, a bride is married in her family church (a Catholic tradition, for sure). And, because the Lutheran church is a mainline Protestant church, there's a lot more commonality with the Catholic Church than not, so his folks might not be as shocked, upset or offended about a wedding in your home church. You'll have to talk to the priest beforehand about them receiving Communion, though ...

[taiko]

As I understand it there are 30 something churches in communion with the Latin Catholic Church, most famous being the Orthedox Churches where you get the full show. Wedding Mass with Eucharist. With other members of the Christian community the Church will conduct the wedding but not in a wedding mass and there will be no Holy Communion done.

 

I don't know the truth of the following but when a Cardinal was due to visit a member of another board posted that there was a certain signal you made touching your shoulder as a sign to the Cardinal and he would allow you as a non Catholic to take communion.

[quankanne]

spiritual blessings, yep, those are highly encouraged when you're not able to receive (Catholic or non-Cath, doesn't matter who). What's really nice is that the people in the pews just see the folks up there receiving a blessing instead of Communion. We did this at my mother's funeral, worked out well ...

 

okay, Moose, and the bride to be, the final say from Father Bob:

 

The Catholic Church does not demand that a non-Catholic convert before being married in the Catholic Church. Quite the contrary, as it is a matter of the faith of that person that needs to be respected. The Catholic Church does require OF THE CATHOLIC PARTY in a mixed marriage, as such marriages are called, that they will rear their children in the Catholic Church. It makes sense. If being married in the Catholic Church is a value for this person, then handing on that value to the children of this union needs to be a value too. The non-Catholic party does not have to promise anything.

 

sounds pretty straight forward, though I can see where we sometimes aren't aware of "updated policy" when it's been a certain way for so long

[Moose]

sounds pretty straight forward, though I can see where we sometimes aren't aware of "updated policy" when it's been a certain way for so long

Please extend my thanks to your Priest!

 

I guess my whole problem is the way it was presented. "The Church won't recognize" doesn't set well with me.

 

Simply put, Marriage is a covenant between Man / Wife / God.

 

The Church has no business adding or subtracting from this.

[Lauriebell82]

Please extend my thanks to your Priest!

 

I guess my whole problem is the way it was presented. "The Church won't recognize" doesn't set well with me.

 

Simply put, Marriage is a covenant between Man / Wife / God.

 

The Church has no business adding or subtracting from this.

 

True, but that is how the Catholic church views marriage. That it is a bond between not only man and wife, but between God as well, since he blesses you during the ceremony.

 

Personally I think the Catholic church does have some pretty high standards regarding the requirements to get married. I'm Catholic and plan to have a church wedding. My boyfriend is agreeable to this (he is not catholic) because he knows that it is important to me.

 

To the OP: Do what you think is best for you and your fiance. If you are both okay with getting married in the Catholic church then go for it. It's YOUR wedding, not your parents.

 

Like I said, I would advise that you at least talk to them about the situation and see what they say.

[quankanne]

that is how the Catholic church views marriage

 

yep, She's got some pretty high standards, but I think that's so people understand what exactly they're getting into, and how their actions affect them spiritually. It's too easy to get trapped up into the emotion of things without realizing they have eternal consequences. On the bright side, the Church also wants people to have access to the sacraments (namely, the Eucharist), so there are ways to correct a situation that keeps someone from receiving.

[taiko]

Please extend my thanks to your Priest!

 

I guess my whole problem is the way it was presented. 'The Church won't recognize' doesn't set well with me.

 

Simply put, Marriage is a covenant between Man / Wife / God.

 

The Church has no business adding or subtracting from this.

 

But it is more then the Church, its the individual beliver if he/she actually believes what they have been taught and are more then Christmas/Easter or even Sunday Mass only church attenders then they will fear that they will miss out on the fullness of Christ if they should disobey. Lucky for them the Church gives them an out, so they can remain in Catholic life which most Bishops will grant.

[bentnotbroken]

You know what......I'm sick and tired of hearing that the Catholic Church won't recognize a marriage IF the husband or wife doesn't agree to convert, and raise their offspring as a, "Catholic".

 

THEY HAVE NO SAY IN THE MATTER WHAT SO EVER!

 

IF you're a Christian, you should know that we are all ONE body in Christ. As long as it's clear that God is a part of the unity and the covenant is made between husband / wife and God Himself......you can marry inside a friggin' cave for Pete's sake.....get married in the bottom of a pool.....get married while skydiving.....who the flip cares?????

 

As far as the parents are concerned, they have their own, "issues" to worry about.....

 

After all, it's YOUR marriage, YOUR life, and you're suppose to be severing yourself from them.....

 

End of rant....

 

Thank you. You don't marry a denomination. You marry a person. And as long as you both believe in God, YOUR, I repeat YOUR, covenant is with Him. Not the parents or the two different denominations. Moose is right, it doesn't matter what building you marry in, you & your fiance(all believers) are the church. Do what you and your fiance find acceptable and tell everybody else to pray on it. You said yourself they are very religious, translation, they are stuck on traditions and rules, not on the word of God.

[Moose]

That it is a bond between not only man and wife, but between God as well, since he blesses you during the ceremony.

Is this not what I just said??!!!

 

I think you peeps are getting cofused.

 

When two or more gather in His name, you are presently with His Church, as Church is the Bride of Christ.

 

We could could be stuck in the middle of a sewer drain under NYC and gather together in His name.....Presto! You're in Church!

 

For the Catholics to claim, "You marriage won't be recognized" is hoq wash! Maybe the "Catholics" won't recognize it, BUT they are NOBODY compared to God!

 

It's not by works, or traditions that we're able to fully experience Christ's love for us.....they are by-products. To "go through the motions" simply because the Catholic Church has been practicing it for centuries doesn't mean a rat's a$$ if your heart of hearts doesn't belong to Christ in the first place.

[JamesM]

OP, having witnessed the weddings and divorces of a number of mixed marriages...ie between Catholic and Protestant, I think the least of your concerns will be where the wedding will be.

 

However, it is a test for how you will handle situations involving the differences you have with religion.

 

When the children come along, then I think the differences that the two of you have will become apparent.

 

As for where the wedding should be, traditionally the bride decides. The groom's family does not. This is the day for the bride....not the families nor the Church. So, you need to decide what is most important to you.

 

Compromising the location to make his parents happy will actually make no one happy. They will not be happy unless they see their son married in a Lutheran church...and probably even then only if you have converted to Lutheranism. Having the ceremony in a non-denominational location may help, but the actual ceremony will still be Catholic or non-Catholic. A combination of the two is a possibility, but again there will be a compromise.

 

One thing I learned about weddings....well, it will actually be two.

 

One, the wedding is actually just a small part of marriage. All that will remain is the memories. It does not have a big impact on your marriage except if it causes resentment. (There is still a great uncle of mine who comes to mind....we forgot to send him an invitation. He never forgot, and even now after he has been dead for ten or more years, I have never forgot. )

 

Two, the wedding is for the couple. 95% of those attending to not consider it nearly as important as the couple does. For some it is a great event, and still others consider it just an evening out. And sadly, yes, others...very few..consider it an inconvenience. So....make this wedding how YOU want it to be with that being your priority.

[taiko]

Is this not what I just said??!!!

 

I think you peeps are getting cofused.

 

When two or more gather in His name, you are presently with His Church, as Church is the Bride of Christ.

 

We could could be stuck in the middle of a sewer drain under NYC and gather together in His name.....Presto! You're in Church!

 

For the Catholics to claim, 'You marriage won't be recognized' is hoq wash! Maybe the 'Catholics' won't recognize it, BUT they are NOBODY compared to God!

 

It's not by works, or traditions that we're able to fully experience Christ's love for us.....they are by-products. To 'go through the motions' simply because the Catholic Church has been practicing it for centuries doesn't mean a rat's a$$ if your heart of hearts doesn't belong to Christ in the first place.

 

Well as the nonCatholic speaking for the Church I will just say that devout Catholics take a different point of view. If you are to marry a Catholic apologist then you must be prepared to moderate your rant at their church.

 

After these threads started google took me to a Catholic apolgist forum. One thread was asking how to act in a Protestant Church, yep they lumped all 30,000 of us into one, since the presence of God was not there. Their interpretation because there was no possibility of the Eucharist. Other threads were in the are they really Christian mold. Just saying that in the broad Christian world there are those like us who think if you believe in the Trinity and profess your faith that's all that matters. Others of different denominations, it may be speaking in tonque, being baptised by immersion after being born again, keeping the Sabbath on Saturday, being Catholic or whatever hold a higher standard. Those of us in mixed denominational relationships either have a Church which doesn't hold to a higher standard or we personally don't hold to a higher standard. The Catholic Church, in my opinion has a middleground, they hold a higher standard but also has a functioning system to make exceptions for Catholics.