pre-breakup mode??? The grass may or may not be greener with someone else

[dejadudu]

Hi. I posted a while back about wanting to see other people while being with someone. Just to be sure, I put my words bluntly, to get reactions (and reactions were what I got). I didn't cheat or meet someone for drinks, etc. But I do go to this one store where this girl who I like and who likes me goes to shop.

 

I am rethinking the choices: to confess and say "Honey, I care for you. You mean so much to me but I've decided that there is something missing from our relationship. I don't know what it is but I am constantly looking for it in someone else." The grass may or may not be greener with someone else. But 2nd guessing my desires and doubts is driving me crazy. I talked to her last night, not mentioning my growing attraction for other women, but instead on her withholding of emotion and passion (due to her seperation/divorce in 2001-2). My life is chaotic, financially and emotionally. So I tolerate her need to keep some distance, but I don't like it and told her so. She is sorry, shows warmth in spite of herself and leaves me alone to repair my damages without too much criticism. She says she would become pushy if she was more emotionally involved, that this distance allows her to see me as an individual and still care for me.

 

I told her that it comes down to survival. We ultimately leave someone because, well, I am Me and You are You. We talked reasonably, 'if we last, we last' was the gist.

 

It is a paradox: in order to save the relatilonship, I feel I need to step outside of it. I have not found the perspective on 'us' I've been looking for.

The actions still on my mind are to take a break (pro: time to explore, test my feelings; con: hurts her, kills trust, small chance of reuniting, etc); another is have a friendly coffee with two women, my ex (what was) and that girl-in-store (what could be) to find perspective on what I have now.

 

I don't think its the right thing at this time to confess things I am not sure of. But maybe it is necessary to do what seems like a mistake and later learn to trust my gut-feelings.

Its not my intention to cheat either, the coffee-'dates' are pretty borderline but I can't see them as being out-of-bounds. I don't know what to make of my logic. Just a bunch of rationalizations???

[NEONINK]

I'm not sure what you are asking, but... if you want to see other people, and it sounds like you do, for heaven's sake, end your current relationship. And it can be allotted to the "we just aren't working out" reason. You don't have to defend your position.

[jenny]

i second this. you're not doing anything wrong, but you're not being particularly forthright or stand-up about it either. let her go free and find a guy who is more decisive and stable.