No reply from FWB

[You'reasian]

I'm not looking for FWB - just trying to understand it better. I would rather persue a meaningful relationship.

[2sunny]

 

Seeing that the majority of FWB cases are disrespecting females, why do females get involved with such arrangements in the first place?

 

I would ask for a female's explanation, but in this case, I'd rather hear a male's explanation of how they are able to get a FWB. Not that I don't understand, but sometimes its better to get a no-BS quick and dirty explanation - rather than a long and drawn out justification.

 

Thanks.

 

depends on the situation. if a gal just wants the sex - and she knows that it can or would be good with a certain man, it's possible to go into a FWB if the guidelines are set CLEARLY from the start. if she doesn't want the time and energy or demands of a man - she may consider this ideal. it only gets mirky if one or the other brings feelings or emotions to the FWB relationship. it takes awareness of boundaries, and self control (i know that SEEMS contradictory, but it's not). remember that the rules are set ahead of time... thus not leaving any room for misunderstandings.

 

bottom line - women have a sex drive too... sometimes we just don't have the emotional or physical energy for the WHOLE relationship thing, so it needs to be ENOUGH for the time being.

[You'reasian]

bottom line - women have a sex drive too... sometimes we just don't have the emotional or physical energy for the WHOLE relationship thing, so it needs to be ENOUGH for the time being.

 

This contradicts Mary's assumption that FWB downgrades females, since FWB could be desireable by them as well but I agree with you otherwise.

[Joyvke]

Besides it's not always females that fall in love with their FWB. I know plenty of guys who had a FWB thing going on and fell in love .

 

I do think he just doesn't seem to "care" in "that" way like other stated. Else he would have said anything, he is just ok with it. So yeah, focus on the new guy =).

[Mary3]

This contradicts Mary's assumption that FWB downgrades females' date=' since FWB could be desireable by them as well but I agree with you otherwise.[/quote']

 

Listen if you want sex fine ( females ) but you take the risk of getting attached. Its in our genes to bond with sex partners...Survival of the fittest partners .

So if you are only looking for sex and want to take the risk of getting used and hurt , then you take the risk.

I put FWB out of my system about 2 years ago and have developed a HUGE amount of respect for myself and my body.

For those of you that want to have no strings sex , by all means. I just dont advocate it ,thats all.

[mishy]

Hmmm

 

yes

 

I think I have developed a bond with him, well i think its one sided.

 

I slept with him today, and for the life of me I cant understand how he can sleep with me for a whole year, and not have any feelings (that i know of)

 

If anyone can explain it to me, i would be grateful.

 

I get fooled by the way he acts during sex, and think how on earth, can he not feel something apart from what is going on in his d!ck.

[mrose2008]

leave him alone..Since you are attached to him let him go it is obvious that he wants nothing from you but a booty call.....and then you go and sleep with him again..disregarding everyone's advise...

[2sure]

I quickly read the thread and it seems that in your heart you must realize this guy does not care about you. Your question is why/how - and that I cant answer. But I did want to point out something that seems obvious to me but I dont think has been mentioned.

 

In the whole year you have been having sex with him, he never takes you out and the two of you do nothing social. So, this whole thing is just private between the two of you and you are never in public together. In the whole year you have not been to his home and the reason he gave is that "there are other people living there". He is living with someone who cannot find out about you. He may say, since other people are there it isnt convenient to have sex. Come on. Roommates leave the house. He is hiding you. And why would he need to hide you so well from someone like a roommate? He is living with a woman.

 

This man is in a relationship, you are the hidden secret other woman. And the best kind too - you require nothing. No dates, no explanations.

People sometimes compartmentalize their lives and in this scenerio you are a convenient outlet. Should you no longer be available, it is no big deal. His girlfriend will still be there. Nothing changes for him. You are not part of his real life. He lives with another woman, takes her out, is public with that relationship.

[Mary3]

I quickly read the thread and it seems that in your heart you must realize this guy does not care about you. Your question is why/how - and that I cant answer. But I did want to point out something that seems obvious to me but I dont think has been mentioned.

 

In the whole year you have been having sex with him, he never takes you out and the two of you do nothing social. So, this whole thing is just private between the two of you and you are never in public together. In the whole year you have not been to his home and the reason he gave is that "there are other people living there". He is living with someone who cannot find out about you. He may say, since other people are there it isnt convenient to have sex. Come on. Roommates leave the house. He is hiding you. And why would he need to hide you so well from someone like a roommate? He is living with a woman.

 

This man is in a relationship, you are the hidden secret other woman. And the best kind too - you require nothing. No dates, no explanations.

People sometimes compartmentalize their lives and in this scenerio you are a convenient outlet. Should you no longer be available, it is no big deal. His girlfriend will still be there. Nothing changes for him. You are not part of his real life. He lives with another woman, takes her out, is public with that relationship.

 

WOW ! Thats very good I am not sure there is a woman there ( likely ) or if he is a lazy slob with 4 dirty roomates and is ashamed of his place... But one thing is for SURE. You sure dont get to go over to his house...hrmmm....

 

Ding ding ! Here is your word for the day. A man can ACT like you are in a relationship and ACT like he loves you for the SEX but you are the one mistaken the * relationship * for a relationship. Men can have sex with you ( omg ) and keep up the pretenses and FEEL NOTHING for you AT ALL ! Newsflash ! It happens everyday to girls who accept " Hey can I come over " ? Sure , but she SOON figures out.... its all about vagine and fluids/ swapping and good night baby, see ya later.

 

One day most women will learn that unless you have 100% of what you want in a REAL relationship , that ALL you have are crumbs of a relationship and if you accept crumbs THATS exactlly ALL you will get !

[mmk1]

mishy;1910661

 

Hmmm

 

yes

 

I think I have developed a bond with him, well i think its one sided.

 

I slept with him today, and for the life of me I cant understand how he can sleep with me for a whole year, and not have any feelings (that i know of)

 

If anyone can explain it to me, i would be grateful.

 

I get fooled by the way he acts during sex, and think how on earth, can he not feel something apart from what is going on in his d!ck.

 

 

Because men can; especially if you're already living with anyother woman. Its very obvious that your email to him was an attempt to manipulate him into saying what you wanted to hear emotionally and that's not what he wants.

 

To paraphrase what one Ex said to me, if emotional committment is what you're looking for, you're looking in the wrong place. You have someone who is emotionally unavailable and it won't change.

 

If you're okay with this, stop trying to manipulate him into somewhere he does not want to go. If you're not okay with this, you need to move on.

[mishy]

I quickly read the thread and it seems that in your heart you must realize this guy does not care about you. Your question is why/how - and that I cant answer. But I did want to point out something that seems obvious to me but I dont think has been mentioned.

 

In the whole year you have been having sex with him, he never takes you out and the two of you do nothing social. So, this whole thing is just private between the two of you and you are never in public together. In the whole year you have not been to his home and the reason he gave is that "there are other people living there". He is living with someone who cannot find out about you. He may say, since other people are there it isnt convenient to have sex. Come on. Roommates leave the house. He is hiding you. And why would he need to hide you so well from someone like a roommate? He is living with a woman.

 

This man is in a relationship, you are the hidden secret other woman. And the best kind too - you require nothing. No dates, no explanations.

People sometimes compartmentalize their lives and in this scenerio you are a convenient outlet. Should you no longer be available, it is no big deal. His girlfriend will still be there. Nothing changes for him. You are not part of his real life. He lives with another woman, takes her out, is public with that relationship.

 

I really dont think there is another woman, I think its just that he doesnt want any emotional involvement.

 

No its no big deal if I disappear, in fact i dont think anyone would miss me.

[mishy]

I wont be contacting him again, Ive finally come to the realisation I mean nothing to him.

[mmk1]

But that is his problem and loss, Mishy, not yours. You have friends and family that do value you and would miss you. Focus on yourself and the people that actually care about you rather than this one person who does not.

[Charles1978]

Focus on this new relationship, unless it is already messed up with you continuing to sleep with this other guy. Don't lead on this new guy and hurt him later on, because he might be a good dude. This arrangement seems to be messing with your emotions. He obviously responded to your email, since you slept with the guy again. But if what you are looking for is a way to get to him, and perhaps have more... cut off ALL CONTACT. All of it... 100%. Dissapear from his life. I am a man, and I can tell you that if I were him... that would make me wonder. Then and only then is he going to analyze the situation. And maybe, although I doubt it... but you never know... he may decide to pursue more with you. But that will not happen until you dissapear from his life. You are wasting time with this guy and whether you realize it or not... it is affecting your ability to find a meaningful relationship. But if you must, cut off all contact... stick to your guns and wait... weeks, if necessary. But he thinks he controls the situation. And he does, until you move on.

[mishy]

Focus on this new relationship, unless it is already messed up with you continuing to sleep with this other guy. Don't lead on this new guy and hurt him later on, because he might be a good dude. This arrangement seems to be messing with your emotions. He obviously responded to your email, since you slept with the guy again. But if what you are looking for is a way to get to him, and perhaps have more... cut off ALL CONTACT. All of it... 100%. Dissapear from his life. I am a man, and I can tell you that if I were him... that would make me wonder. Then and only then is he going to analyze the situation. And maybe, although I doubt it... but you never know... he may decide to pursue more with you. But that will not happen until you dissapear from his life. You are wasting time with this guy and whether you realize it or not... it is affecting your ability to find a meaningful relationship. But if you must, cut off all contact... stick to your guns and wait... weeks, if necessary. But he thinks he controls the situation. And he does, until you move on.

 

Thanks Charles.

 

I'm not interested in the other guy now at all. He was to clingy.

 

Its interesting that you say that, about cutting all contact. Thats what I have decided to do in the last few days. Last saw him 6 days ago, last texted 4 days ago.

 

For the whole year, I have just been so available for him. Too available. Because of this, frankly I dont even see how he could possibly know how he feels about me, because I have never withdrawn to a point where he might start to miss me, or feel anything.

 

Yes , and he doesn have complete control over the situation... He doesnt have to do ANYTHING!!!!!!!!! I'm always there, even with my job, I still make time to see him, and its always me doing the contacting. So he has it pretty cushy.

 

How many weeks will this no contact take?

 

52?

[Charles1978]

If I had to guess, he'll start wondering in 10 days or so. Has to be more than a week. But I'd say in 2-3 weeks, you'll have your answer one way or another. But I'd have to know how often yall slept together... because that is the division of time that his brain is operating on.

[mishy]

If I had to guess, he'll start wondering in 10 days or so. Has to be more than a week. But I'd say in 2-3 weeks, you'll have your answer one way or another. But I'd have to know how often yall slept together... because that is the division of time that his brain is operating on.

 

LOL I love your calculations..

 

In the last month, we have been sleeping together once a week, and we are in contact by text in between. Lately the most gap of no texting would be 3 days.

 

I know thats bad...

[mishy]

We did have no contact a couple of months ago , of 3 weeks, when i went away. Texted him when i got back, and he rang back imediately only to say that now HE was away. I could tell by his tone, he was very eager to see me, it was definately different, like he had been wondering where id got to.

 

Then when he finally got back a week later, it must have wore off, realising that oh yeah she's still avaialble, and then i dont think i saw him for another 1 to 2 weeks.

 

So that calculation messes it all up.

 

But it seemed at the three week point he was wondering. But in that time (the 3 weeks) , he hadn't been able to see me because he had an accident as well

[mishy]

Generally, though, as an average, since we met a year ago Oct 07 , we have been sleeping together once a week, except for a gap of 6 months,(Feb- July) where we had a fight and dropped each other.

[Charles1978]

Ok, then as long as you know that both of you aren't leaving town, start now. After one week, perhaps 10 days-2 wks max, he will contact you. DO NOT respond. After a couple days, he'll try again. You can string this guy along as long as you like. But I feel weird giving you this advice, because I hate to see you in a situation where YOUR emotions are involved, and apparently not his. If a few weeks go by, and he keeps contacting you... perhaps tell him via text that the only correspondence you will respond to from him will be an invitation for a date. At this point, he will make his decision, but perhaps not immediately. He'll probably be irritated momentarily, but he will respect you for taking a stand. He doesn't see you currently as a woman with any self respect or real emotional needs. At the point you lay down the law, he will see you in a new light... but ONLY if you stick to your guns. You cannot cave. He'll think some more, realizing that you are not the same girl... and either he will be intrigued and ask you out, or he will cling to whatever insecurities he has currently and will dissapear. Because at the root of this is not only your problem, but his fear of a real relationship after his divorce. The dysfunction is just as much his as yours in this arrangement. Perhaps this approach will hit him over the head with this realization. But you won't know until you stick to it and follow through.

[mishy]

I'm at the point, and in the posistion, where really I have nothing to lose. I think your plan is brilliant. The way its going, I mean, I cant keep going on doing what im doing.

 

So when you say you hate to see me in a situation where my emotions are involved, well , I think they are more at risk as it stands now, with me seeing him and contactin him, than if I just drop off the face of the earth.

 

If i dont contact him, then Im not risking anything. If I EVER want any hope of anything ever changing, I have to do something different.

 

Because he will have to stick his neck out and seek me out.

 

So honestly ive never done this before with him, so it will be interesting if he tries to seek me out, or pursue me.

 

And I know that most people say he has no feelings for me blah blah, well I dont think he has had any opportunity to feel anything, because Ive just always been THERE.

 

So I will get my answer, a conclusion, by simply doing NOTHING. I'm not taking a risk at all.

 

I hate how its a double standard- that people think that he views me as having no self respect just because im sleeping with him- whereas he is doing the same thing with me- sleeping with me.

[Charles1978]

I hate how its a double standard- that people think that he views me as having no self respect just because im sleeping with him- whereas he is doing the same thing with me- sleeping with me.

I agree. That's why I said this situation is as much a result of his innability to have a real relationship... perhaps after his divorce... who knows. I doubt he is hiding you, but he just has some serious issues that aren't allowing him to treat you as he should. But now's the time to take control, stick up for yourself and follow through. You're of the right midset from your last post. If you can stay there, you'll be ok. Look on the bright side... he may eventually apprieciate your approach if it works out. If you are able to help him out of his closet relationship approach and get over his fear of real relationships after a divorce, he may see the light and take a chance. But the current arrangement has to end... and you have the sole power to end it. So you are in control now... period. That alone should help you feel better. Good luck, and stick to your guns!

[bubblegum]

I hate how its a double standard- that people think that he views me as having no self respect just because im sleeping with him- whereas he is doing the same thing with me- sleeping with me.

 

 

I guess it looks like a double standard because he says he wants nothing more than FWB and you want more, yet settle (or had been settling) for less.

 

Stick with the plan suggested by Charles. You're right, you have nothing to lose. And each day you'll get stronger, regardless of whether or not he contacts you for anything more than a booty call. Stay strong!

[mishy]

I agree. That's why I said this situation is as much a result of his innability to have a real relationship... perhaps after his divorce... who knows. I doubt he is hiding you, but he just has some serious issues that aren't allowing him to treat you as he should. But now's the time to take control, stick up for yourself and follow through. You're of the right midset from your last post. If you can stay there, you'll be ok. Look on the bright side... he may eventually apprieciate your approach if it works out. If you are able to help him out of his closet relationship approach and get over his fear of real relationships after a divorce, he may see the light and take a chance. But the current arrangement has to end... and you have the sole power to end it. So you are in control now... period. That alone should help you feel better. Good luck, and stick to your guns!

 

thanks

I know, the current thing just has to end. I just have to stick it out. And if I never hear from him again, then I will know I did the right thing.

 

If i DO hear from him again, and I can have the willpower to say what I really want and follow it through, then good.

[mishy]

Ok then,

 

just say, in two weeks time he eventually contacts me, and I say how I want to go on a date etc, I mean, what are the chances, realistically after sleeping with me for a year, that he is going to want and backflip and do that anyway?

 

Won't he always just see me as a sex partner? We have NEVER seen each other and not ended up in bed.

 

Isn't it too late for him to view me any differently?

 

Before him, Id never even had a one night stand.