The Spice of my Life.

[Wolverine117]

Hi.

 

 

I was wandering if anyone has ever lost the spice of their life.

 

 

I call spice whatever makes you want to go on. To live. A while ago I was a happy go lucky kind of guy. Having fun. Hoping for the future. Checking out the babes.

 

I just finished senior year and am going to a great private school. I get many admirers. I go into a store and people are always checking me out. Its weird.

Men. Women. Teenagers.

 

I find it weird but I dont mind. When I go for a girl, often i get turned down, though.

 

A while ago, I was in love with a girl named Jessica W. Very nice girl. Funny. smart. cool. She wasnt just pretty. You could talk to her and really get into what she was saying. Times were good. I was in love with Jessica. I had my friends Karl, Josh, Stephen, Hulton, Jeff and Andrew to hang out with. I went to the gym regularly.

I had the respect of my parents. I had it all. All I had to do was pass a rather harsh state test and I was set. The test consumed me. I could not sleep. Many kids had failed.

So i studied and passed it. I should be happy. But Jessica had failed part of it. She was crying. My heart ached. I just wanted to hold her and make her better. She had it appealed and thus passed.

She was happy. She had no boyfriend. I asked her out, she said no. She did not want a man. I remained her friend. Talking and laughing and playing around but only as friends. I was in love. So in love that when i walked by her house one saturday, and saw her, it was the highlight of my day.

 

I knew something was wrong.

 

Understand that I am a virgin black guy and have never had a girl before. When I ask a girl, im rejected. But here was this wonderful one i loved with all my heart. One day at a senior class assembly, I professed my love for her. Right in front of our friends.

She said she liked me as a friend. It killed me but i smiled. A little too much. I wanted to cry. Then she said she wanted to have sex with a girl. I stared. so did the guys. She said she was joking. we all smiled. I knew she wasnt.

 

I withdrew from my life.

 

School was okay. I maintained the grades. I was decent to my folks. But i was also a teenager with emotional and sexual needs. Needs that were not being fulfilled. I tried getting over Jessica. I went out with a girl named Indira and had an interest in Cassandra. None lit my fire.

 

So I withdrew further.

 

I have this ability to think like a man and a woman. My doctor has a name for it.

I forgot.

 

One outlet for my sexual frustration became the internet.

 

I looked at porn, a lot. (lesbian, bisexual, black, strap ons, BDSM, fetish, BBW,

Incest, trans). It was all a novelty to me and i got into it quite a bit. So much it got me doubting myself. What kind of freak was I ?

My parents knew I was going through something. Some people thought i was crazy. Others thought i was gay. I was neither.

I got into reading. About characters with identity crises. I read about Angel and Buffy series novels. I read Superman. I read The Heart's Progress. I read Utopia. I read Shakespeare and Sophocles and Aristophanes. I read Stephen King. I read the Rainbow Boys. It was quite moving, except for the queer part.

 

I knew what i was like to be different.

 

I could be a baritone singer. I could play football and soccer and volleyball. I could swim. I was an honor student in a church group. Yet people mocked me. I had this habit of talking to myself. I had no idea my mind was expanding.

 

I still had feelings for Jessica. Yet it became clear to me she was a black lesbian. Had to move on. I also knew the sexual preference of her friend Danielle. Oh, both were pretty girls with steady boyfriends. I hung out with my buddies. I saw movies by myself. At home the situation became unbearable.

People knew something was wrong and were grasping at straws.

 

Are you into drugs ? No. Is someone after you ? No. Are you gay ? No.

Did you kill anybody ? No.

 

Yep. grasping at straws. The wrongful guessing hurt.

 

I blamed Jessica. But these problems were mine. I let myself go. I disconnected from my life. Men got rejected by women everyday. Yet none acted like drama queens like I did. I felt this as an insult to my manhood.

 

So i started to change.

 

I looked at people and Scanned them. I saw them all. The married guy who cheats on his wife with the office tease. The mother of three with the "special" lady friend. The athlete on drugs. The foxy hood girl. The dope dealer. The crackhead college student. The not-so-straight man.

 

I could see it all. I could walk in people's shoes. This is not a macho thing or folly or a megalomaniac thing.

 

This is me.

 

This is what i see. I listened to Metallica. I liked white music. True, I was black. Of all artists, only Eminem and 50 Cent were okay. The videos with the chicks with the big booties only appealed to me when i needed jerking off material.

 

I lost contact with my friends. Yet I kept a close watch on them.

 

I walked all over the city, keeping tabs on people.

 

I lived with my aunt, her gentle idiot husband and her two kids plus my annoying sister.

My parents were overseas and constantly wondering what was going on in my life.

People were calling me everything from loser to a**h*** to wacko to queer. I learned about projection. People projecting what they fear about themselves onto others.

I learned a lot about people that way. Amanda, a chick who sometimes called me a fag was talking to a girl named Ashley. Ashley is a lesbian. I knew what she was even though they are supposed to be undetectable to a guy. Then again, i wasnt an ordinary guy.

I told Amanda. She laughed and cursed. She said she had no trouble getting guys. I said sure, keep telling yerself that and walked away. I looked out for some people.

Like Casey. A nice guy. He was "different'." Yeah, like that. I knew what he was. But he was okay in my book. Unlike Sean, a JROTC bastard who called me that special insult. He was too. I debated with myself whether to expose him or not. My good side won. He walked scot-free.

 

I sit down remembering all the girls i've liked.

 

Roselyn, my first crush. Cynthia, a pretty girl whom my buddy Manny stole from me. Like I ever had a chance. Nicole, whose racist father almost killed me.

Farah, the weirdo. Bella Donna (my fave pornstar). Kimberly ( wonder woman

of the JROTC at school). Jessica W. (the black lesbian).

 

I loved them all. I always wanted to live with them. Be with them. A night before sleep I keep on picturing a woman. One who puts her arms around me and i embrace her lovingly. Always I wake up with my hands empty.

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. Then I give myself a big kick in the butt.

 

"No peace for the wicked. Get back to work."

 

For the summer I worked with a guy named Eric as a carpenter.

 

It was fun. Too bad i had to sleep on the job and get FIRED.

 

I am getting ready for college. I dont have a car. I dont have a job. Dont have a girlfriend. All I have is the sixty grand left to me by my gramps for college. Yeah, its gotta be used for college. The old man knew i might take it to Vegas for a weekend. Hell no. I hate parties and casinos. and lights. I would never go to Vegas.

All I know about Vegas I learned from Robert De Niro and Chevy Chase.

 

This is my story.

 

The story of a black guy, born in 1985. He was a not-so-normal man but more human than most humans. He likes animals. He likes women.

Too bad these feelings arent mutual.

 

This is the story of the people I loved and lost and fought. Of how i came to be and the beauty and the terror that happened in all the places in between.

 

I am a Computer science major. I have a knack for electronics. At a college meeting, I heard a lady say she met her husband in college. That he was sitting right next to her. And a guy said he met his ex-wife there. We all laughed. I got an idea. I looked at my friend Becky.

 

She is a 5'2, 100-pound brunette with real short hair. I smirked at my buddy Carlos and his girl Jennifer. "Not on your life, " said Becky. Mocking her, I said : "Oh, Becky, will you marry me ? " loud enough for all the room to hear. I, um, got a thrust in the lower regions. For those of you who dont understand, that's a kick to the balls.

I have serious doubts about being able to have children in the future.

 

 

Right now i am just killing time.

 

The other day Becky was apologizing for kicking me. I did not mind but wore my cup just in case. She laughed when i told her and we ended up playing on the floor. Wrestling. I love that girl. As friends, of course. She is seeing a guy named Michael. Nice guy. A little obvious. Tall, jocky, male model looks. The kind of guy I love to hate and would gladly beat up in an alley given the chance.

 

I am going to college.

 

Some of my old high school pals are with me. Among them Jason and Lindsay.

Michael and Becky. Nicolas and Gina. Tom and Martin. Jessica is going to some school on Commonwealth Ave.

I think I like Becky but I dont think she'd feel that way. I swore if I ever started bitching over a girl like i did with Jessica, i'd do the world a favor and leap off someplace high. I always keep my promises to myself.

 

But I dont know....

 

She goes to the movies with me..... (we saw SWAT and the HULK and T3 ).

She hangs in my basement. She comforts me when i'm sad. She likes to touch me... (okay, a kick in the balls and wrestling count as touching, right ?).

 

Maybe i'm just doing some wishful thinking. She's a fellow soccer player. I love to patronize her and give her bear hugs, when no one is around she seems to like it.

Oh, damn. Wishful thinking again, like the Doc said. Wow.

 

College is starting.

 

I've heard of radars. How about virgin-dar ? The ability to detect virgins ?

 

Will I get a girl ? Will it be okay ? Will someone love me ? Can i become normal again ?

 

Um, the normal part is doubtful. All else is possible, though. I keep my fingers crossed.

 

I'll keep an open mind. Oh, great. Does this sound all Hallmark and stuff ?

Hope not.

I've never watched Hallmark Entertainment.....honest ! Well.....not with people around ! lol !

 

Take care.

 

 

TJ.

 

 

That's Me. A loser. A fighter. A desperate romantic. A fool. A naive bastard. A pervert. A charmer. A mystery man. A nerd. All rolled into one.

 

Peace out.

[2SidestoStories]

I swore if I ever started bitching over a girl like i did with Jessica, i'd do the world a favor and leap off someplace high. I always keep my promises to myself.

 

Consider making yourself a different kind of promise.

 

Promise yourself to figure out YOU instead of everyone else who seems so transparent to you.

 

Promise yourself to expose the TJ that's lurking beneath the surface waiting to erupt. Because if you erupt at someone, you're going to lose a lot more people in your life than you could imagine.

 

Promise yourself to stop obsessing about your virginity; think of it as just another facet of your personality, and not a crippling handicap. Also, be sure to know that almost undoubtedly the first time you ever actually have sex (or if you prefer, make love) it will be one hell of a massive disappointment. It sounds like you have extremely high expectations of it. You're going to be nerve-wracked and scared and anxious and all sorts of negative emotions that will contribute to making the experience not so incredible as you and the porn industry wants you to think.

 

Or you could get really lucky and find and fall madly in love with the absolutely ideal woman, man, or whatever ends up rocking your world, and it could all end up happily ever after, the end.

 

But that's not likely.

 

In your withdrawal from the world you have developed quite a massive ego. You see people for what they are, you claim, yet you don't turn those eyes inward. You label yourself with easily misleading nomenclature to see who may be looking between the lines to see what's "really there."

 

What are you going to do with yourself when someone really does look and see through you? Are you going to fall madly in love with them? Chances are that's not the case. Chances are, if someone is just as good at your game as you, if not better, you'll end up hating them.

 

Maybe, just maybe you should promise yourself to climb down from that mountain and find out what the rest of us are really like rather than superimposing your judgements of their behavior based on your view from high above.

 

Of course, you may very well be right. You might just be "more human than most humans". Or you could just be trying to convince yourself how normal everything should be, while realizing that the world is never what it seems, no matter how smart you think you are. I'll tell you what, though...you're much better served by getting over yourself and opening up to the things life has to offer you. Call me a hippie all you want. If you're so busy scanning, you're going to miss the important stuff.

 

Take it from someone who knows from experience.

 

You haven't lost the spice of your life. You have chosen to toss it aside. Walk those same streets you always walk, only do it backwards. Or walk up the other side of the street. Or walk a completely different way. Listen to the traffic. Look at Mars...even in Boston I'll bet you can see it. Realize that everywhere you look there is something that can be beautiful, and for F***'s sake, take a moment to realize that you're alive TO see it.

 

That cliche..."Life is what you make of it." I challenge you to make yours spicy again.

[Wolverine117]

Dude, that was deep.

 

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to read all that.

 

 

What do I do now ?

[2SidestoStories]

Perhaps something you've never done before? I happen to live in the largest "small town" in the state of New Mexico (Albuquerque) and until quite recently felt as if there was nothing this place had to offer me. In my opinion, a place as gigantic as Boston would surely have a LOT to offer someone such as yourself.

 

You profess to be someone who "attracts admirers" and should therefore have little to no problem finding people, especially new folks at your college, who will be willing to go out on the town and explore that great Boston Mass place you've got there. People who may have never been IN Boston, who you could perhaps show around, you know?

 

Immerse yourself in your environment, and appreciate it for its' shoddy and collapsing buildings here and there; appreciate the smarmy sections of town you'd honestly rather avoid at all costs because YOU CAN avoid them; play the game of trying to count the reflective beams of a streetlight as it bounces off the cover of a manhole.

 

Above all else, though...appreciate the person who's out there able to enjoy what you're seeing: you. Know that you have the ability to see things in a different way, and instead of being superior with that knowledge, find a willingness within you to share it with other people. You'll see. They'll want to hear what you have to say. Lose the cynicism. Gain the appreciation.

 

And let me know how things are going. I'm quite interested in hearing about it. Maybe I'm just a weirdo

[Wolverine117]

Hi.

 

 

Could anybody tell me what's wrong with me ?

 

 

I am 18 and single (as always) and a virgin.

 

 

Girls are never interested in me though i do try to talk to them. They usually mock me and the guys often hassle me.

People call me everything from a loser to a fruitcake. Being a high academic achiever hasn't helped, either.

 

People call me gay, sometimes.

 

I dont know why. I always liked women. My first crush was a girl and the last one broke my heart prior to graduation day. I do admit to sometimes wondering what certain things are like.

Like, once, i was watching a porno movie and I found myself wandering what if I could be in the body of that girl (it was a girl-girl scene) while she was having an orgasm. Also, i am walking down the street and i see a pretty boy.

 

I ask myself what would it be like to look like that and get all the girls cause with looks like that girls are guaranteed. I told my friend that and he told me that was a fruity thought. I'm on the net surfing. I go to a site.

 

A guy is doing a girl. I keep on alternating from wanting to be one to the other. I find a site where a guy is getting ****ed by a girl with a strap on and i like it. So much it gets me aroused. A lot. People calling me queer had made my mind sensitive to the word. Let's just say words like gay and fag and queer make my skin crawl and my heart skip a beat.

 

I dont hate gay people. There were some in my high school and i liked them.

 

I think it's okay to be different and hate bashers and bullies and religious freaks.

I like a girl, I get up the guts to ask her out, she turns me down and people go around calling me a fag.

 

Ok, a "pretty "boy named Jason is complaining about having fruity feelings in my groups therapy class. I got sent there after removing all the hair off my neighbor's dog. I look at the guy and his looks and him being able to get any girl he wants yet not doing it and chasing dudes and i feel nothing for him. In fact, I think he ought to be shot. Yet my acquaintance Brian is gay and i dont have a problem with him because :

 

he's not a pretty boy, doesnt have a bunch of female admirers and doesnt hang at the mall or talk and gesture funny. If anybody tried to hurt Brian, i'd defend him just like I would a normal friend. Yet if i can shoot Jason and get away with it, I think i just might.

 

I am in love with a girl named Jessica. She is black and lovely. I think about her all the time and even cry like a wuss when she doesnt return my affections.

She is in fact secretly bi. I am heartbroken but swallow my pride.

 

I am 18 and black and young. I happen to be tall but chubby. I have needs like any human being. Yet I always get rejected.

 

I am hanging out with my friends at the mall. I start remembering things.

 

Like when i was 10 or so, i was in a pool with my cousins Ivan, Sarah and Vanessa. We were all having fun. I recall fooling around with Sarah. and vanessa. Then they left the pool. Ivan and I are left alone. I am there and just making splashes as the waves hit. We are playing. Kicking each other and stuff. The water pushes both of us toward each other and we bump into each other. Belly to belly. and we happened to be nude.

 

We gasped. Then we both stared. And got away from each other. We left the pool ASAP. He said let's not let that happen again and i agree.

 

Yet years later, one night i found myself wandering. How weird was that ?

 

I am on the net surfing for porn.

 

 

I look at everything. Lesbian ? Hot. Black sex ? Hot. Animal sex ? Hmm. ok.

Anal sex ? Yes ! Strap ons ? Yes. Bisexual ffm ? Yes ! Bisexual mmf ? Hm. Ok. Nah. Ew. Bondage ? Hot. Mature women ? Hot. Incest ? Hot and kinky.

Shemales ? Hm. I'm curious. I look. Well, that was different. Ok, weird and not my thing. Gay sex ? Feeling the need to throw up. Click out of there.

 

This is one of my days surfing the net for porn.

 

I have favorites like bang bus, captain stabbin, milf hunter, vidgals and the video post. I occasionally check out tranny surprise, just out of curiosity.

 

I read stuff online. Women's rights. Feminists are somewhat evil. Really.

Kids with sexual issues. That's me. I read with attention. I search out topics on human sexuality. I learn of Kinsey and other people. Turns out what i'm feeling is almost normal.

 

It's the summer.

 

I hang out with my buddies. I chill. I have a thing for Monica, my sister's friend. She is 15 and 3 years younger than me but boy is she hot.

 

I am dreading the college days. I'm a commuter. I dont know Boston very well. I've never had sex in my life. People tell me i'm cute and sweet. Others say that i'm different, straightforward and honest. I have a habit of talking too much and watching Sci Fi and the Hot Network plus the Hot Zone.

 

I know the best pornstars by heart (Mr. Marcus, Tony 18, Jill Kelly, Jenna Jameson, Bella Donna, Jordan Haze, Tom Moore, Buttman Stagliano, Sierra).

Proof that i dont have a life.

 

I can sympathize with anyone. Yet people keep on messing with me.

 

A pretty girl i ran an errand for told me how nice a guy i am and wondered why i dont have anyone in my life. I angrily replied that in this Fitness-Obsessed world, only pretty boys and muscle men get the babes. She says she likes nice guys. I laugh and say yeah right.

 

I walk away. Next time i see her she is bitching about how her model-looking boyfriend left her for a hootchie. Normally i'm sensitive but she says she wants a nice guy. I get angry and disgusted. I say that she is chasing pretty boys lik e all the rest and that she doesnt notice a nice guy when she sees one. She deserved what she got. It's true. All nice guys sleep alone.

 

I walk away.

 

This is me.

 

Once nice and cheerful. Now bitter. I still care about people.

 

Listen to this.

 

 

I was at the train station in Boston the other day, in the place where wealth is common. One latina girl was talking to her boyfriend. Swearing in spanish.

Like everyone else, i was watching. Then she stormed off. Crossing the street without looking.

I went after her and caught her before an SUV could kill her. I had her. she was safe. Did i get a thank you ? No. She started bitching about how filthy i was for getting my hands on her. I just saved her life ! And here she was, bitching.

And her boyfriend came and threatened to beat me up. He is aying how dare i touch his woman ? I said i saved her life. He is still cursing. I tell them loudly that it wont happen again.

 

And I mean it.

 

I walk away. Pissed off. Ah, the humanity.

 

I find out that i'm different from the rest of the world. Yeah, people differ in race and religion and creed and sexual orientation and background as well as status.

There are different shades of normal.

 

I am abnormal.

 

Why ?

 

I'm the smallest minority on earth . The man who still cares about people. The freak who differs from all others because he doesnt follow the path of bickering and enlightened self interest.

 

Sigh.

 

Yeah, it's like that.

 

 

Everything I told you is 100 % True folks. Some of it not even my mama knows.

 

Let me know your thoughts.

[Wolverine117]

True story, folks.

 

 

Would really like to hear ur thoughts.

 

Peace.

[Pookette]

Could anybody tell me what's wrong with me ?

 

Removing hair from the pets of others?

 

Spending an inordinate amount of time viewing pornography?

 

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound judgemental, but those are the two of the things that flagged my attention. You are CRYING out for attention and/ or help, I think.

 

Another one...

Incest ? Hot and kinky.

It's normal to be sexually confused and curious while becoming an adult. But I think this and your depression/anger is something that you need to seek professional help for before they get out of control. Your post scared me. Seriously. I'm just wondering when you're going to snap.

 

Yet if i can shoot Jason and get away with it, I think i just might.

 

I think that speaks volumes.

[Wolverine117]

Hi.

 

I have a very diverse grp of friends. As u see, we all have our problems. I'm

posting this everywhere cause i need advice.

 

I am the one called Teejay.

 

 

Lindsay- a stunning latina used to getting what she wants.

 

Karl- cool and funny. the ladies man. Still looking for love.

 

Stella- shy and hiding it well by being loud.

she doesnt trust men at all but still falls for them.

 

Tyrone - the handsome athlete with a shadowy past. He looks forward to a bright

future and

finding the woman he's meant to be with.

 

Jessica - the beautiful ebony goddess. Great student and secretly bi-female. Still

looking for a fine brotha to rock her world. Unaware that one of her best friends has feelings for her.

 

 

Teejay - Tall, black and chubby. He is a poet, writer, prober. He loves

literature and movies and books and Porn in ALL its diversity (lesbian, black,

trans, bisexual, incest, bbw, bdsm, interracial, strap ons).

He is loud-mouthed and funny and depressed all at once. He questions everything

and everyone. He dreams of utopia. He likes sports but hates to play. He is

secretive.

He has feelings for Jessica, feelings he hides well behind his humor. He is

insecure. The result of being a chubby man in a world of pretty boys and hot

gals. He still has his virginity.

 

He has secrets he keeps even from those he loves. Like a genetic condition which

might cause him to go blind or lose his life at any moment. Yet he smiles, going

on as if all is right. He has yet to tell the girl he loves he wants to be more

than friends and the clock is ticking, so his doctor says.

 

 

 

End.

[moimeme]

How close a friend is Jessica? Best pals? Occasional chum-around?

[Wolverine117]

Close pal. Like , Teejay comes over and hangs out with her.

 

They chill 2gether with friends. He's just weird around her. she ignores it cause dats the way he acts. He really luvs her, though.

[Dem]

Ok, firstly that was a really interesting post. There was so much to take in. I agree, some of the stuff scared me, like shooting that guy if you could get away with it. I couldn't be sure if you were just joking or if you meant that seriously.

 

I completely applaude you for being a truly nice guy. But I think you should give the human race a little more credit. Of course there are people who react in such a way that they appear hearltess, we've all met at least one of these people. And true, people do have hang ups, like wanting a "pretty boy". Everyone has flaws, the trick is not to concentrate on them, most people, if you give them a chance do have some goodness in them, honestly.

 

If you want a g/f so abdly, stop spending you're days watching porn and go out and meet girls. I know its easier said than done. But even if you only go out into the town by yourself, I have no doubt that you will be given the once over by at least one girl. It's these little "looks" and "glances" that will very slowly boost your confidence enough for you to be appealing to a girl. Low self esteem does not attract women, but then again neither does being full of yourself, find a happy medium.

 

I hope some of this helped you, just trying to lend a hand.

[Clancy]

To tell the truth I don't know if you are what you say you are or you're just a highly creative person. Either way I think you're a good writer. If you really are what you say you are and you really do think the way you describe then, as you already know, you've got problems. And getting a girlfriend is really the least of your problems right now.

 

My advice is to keep up the group therapy and get yourself into a class that can help you become an author. I wish I had the raw ability that you display. Seriously, I think you've got a hell of a lot of potential and it just might be the ticket that saves you from prison.