LovieDove24 Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 Because of an unwillingness to TRY? It seems that marriages only succeed when BOTH parties TRULY are willing to go through hell and high waters with their spouse. Basically stick it out no matter what. Do you think a good prerequisite for marriage would be some sort of "test" on if you really have the ambition to try no matter what??? Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 Spent 22 years trying. After a while, it feels good to give in gracefully. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 It seems that marriages only succeed when BOTH parties TRULY are willing to go through hell and high waters with their spouse. Basically stick it out no matter what. I would say, in the case of my parents, that this seemed to be the case. They were a team, through and through... The main reason I lost my love for my wife was because she abandoned me emotionally and spiritually during a very difficult time in my life. Had she remained engaged, our M would be a completely different dynamic now. During that time, I continued to prioritize our M, just as I saw my mom and dad do during trying times in their lives, but my love bank ran dry from the one-way effort. I think John Kennedy had it right, philosophically..... Link to post Share on other sites
me4u2 Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 I don't know if it's necessarily an unwillingness to try in all cases. Some people drift apart for way too long or maybe have unresolved issues from way back when and no matter how much trying, sometimes it just doesn't cut it. Very good question though. I think the individual personalities play into the "trying" too. Some people see the light too late. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 sometimes it just doesn't seem to pay off after years of giving, so you just cut your losses. At least, I can better understand that mindset at this point in my life. Why should one party get to be the vampire sucking the relationship dry while the other is expected to just keep giving. Link to post Share on other sites
Zorie Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 I think ultimately when a relationship is failing one person will end up giving up before the other. My husband and I TRIED counseling which only brought more issues to the surface, and actually made us realize we didnt share the same goals in life long term amongst other issues (some more hurtful and serious) sadly, there was really no way for us to recover and reconcile so we had to part ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovieDove24 Posted October 29, 2008 Author Share Posted October 29, 2008 CARHILL: "I lost my love for my wife was because she abandoned me emotionally and spiritually during a very difficult time in my life. Had she remained engaged, our M would be a completely different dynamic now." Makes me think she stopped trying. GEISHA: "Spent 22 years trying. After a while, it feels good to give in gracefully." Sounds like your ex wasnt trying along with you, am I wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovieDove24 Posted October 29, 2008 Author Share Posted October 29, 2008 I guess my point of this is that to me it seems that divorce is usually the result of one person who stops trying. While the other is left constantly trying too hard. If BOTH partners continuously are trying to improve themselves while supporting their partner...how could it possibly end in divorce??????? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 Makes me think she stopped trying. We worked through this in MC. Her emotional style is different than mine. Disengagement is normal for her. It's how she deals with emotional stressors. I didn't notice as much prior (but the signs were there) since, overall, life was "easier". Not as many overall withdrawals from my love bank. MC pretty much told me I had to accept her emotional style and decide if it was/is something I can live with. It's a definite incompatibility, and one I didn't ever think I'd have with a woman. Great education, marriage has been To be clear, we've both "tried" to change behaviors to feel more mutually accepted, loved and validated, but, in essence, our fundamental perspectives are unchanged. Without a compatible symbiosis of perspective, I'll opine that the M can become too much work to be worthwhile to continue, even with all the "trying" in the world. This is where my parents had what we seemingly do not. They were very different, but meshed as a team on the emotional and philosophical level. The was an interdependence that just flowed, even with the normal ups and downs and frustrations and triumphs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovieDove24 Posted October 29, 2008 Author Share Posted October 29, 2008 Thanks for sharing your experience carhill, it offers some good insight. I personally have never been married before but just wanted to hear opinions...seems everyone around me is getting divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 In my case, being a typical male, going on through life like everything's fine, - BLINDSIDED. I didn't see the warning signs, didn't take things that people were saying seriously, and pretty much got kicked. Thing is, she didn't MAKE me understand, or even voice what was happening. Now after more than a year apart, and waiting for the mailman to drop off the confirmation of divorce, I've had time to ponder. And ponder I have. Now I didn't tell her I was going to change, but after some time, anger, sadness, and self adjustment, I can say I've extended that olive branch a few times, and she won't hear of it. In our final decent talk on the phone, (It's me who would call all the time) I told her exactly where I was at fault, and it took her by surprise, as she thanked me. But yes, since I was the only one wanting to try, ofcourse being too late, she is quite happy where she is it seems. Not a peep. I will never call her anymore to 'beat that dead horse'. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 For some of us, no matter how hard you try, trust and respect can't be regained after infidelity, especially when it's accompanied by NPD, the ultimate in selfish disorders that can't be cured. So yes, I suppose I quit. Some things aren't worth working for. No one should be forced to watch their back for the rest of their lives together. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 Forgive my ignorance TBF, but what is NPD? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 I don't see any ignorance Gunny, just an unfamiliarity with the acronym for narcissistic personality disorder. He was diagnosed by a professional, after D-day. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 In my case, being a typical male, going on through life like everything's fine, - BLINDSIDED. I didn't see the warning signs, didn't take things that people were saying seriously, and pretty much got kicked. Thing is, she didn't MAKE me understand, or even voice what was happening. Now after more than a year apart, and waiting for the mailman to drop off the confirmation of divorce, I've had time to ponder. And ponder I have. Now I didn't tell her I was going to change, but after some time, anger, sadness, and self adjustment, I can say I've extended that olive branch a few times, and she won't hear of it. In our final decent talk on the phone, (It's me who would call all the time) I told her exactly where I was at fault, and it took her by surprise, as she thanked me. But yes, since I was the only one wanting to try, ofcourse being too late, she is quite happy where she is it seems. Not a peep. I will never call her anymore to 'beat that dead horse'. I could have wrote this last year...lol (sorry not really funny) Yeah.... you get to a point... where you just say.... scr@w this! Can be a turning point for you.... a time to start to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 I don't see any ignorance Gunny, just an unfamiliarity with the acronym for narcissistic personality disorder. He was diagnosed by a professional, after D-day. Oh... I though you had all of a sudden come down with dyslexia... and were trying to saying you ex... was in the NDP.... Link to post Share on other sites
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