Why can’t I just get you out of my mind?

[edrodr]

Seriously? You couldn't even tell me you love me? I moved up there to be with you (sorry if I forced it) and most of the time you left me at home because you wanted to do things that apparently I wasn't invited to even though I knew nobody there. You always had me thinking things for you, you were always confused, always wondering about things but never did you express your feelings towards me other then occasional sex. I spoiled you rotten and I guess that's my fault but that is just the way I am not my fault. Yeah there were things you disliked about me and one being that I smoked cigarettes (look at me 1yr and 8 months since I picked one up and hate it) but please if that was the only thing that bothered you then you should of told me that you weren't going to commit to me if I continued. There always ways to get a around to it. Also I'm sure some of things I said to you were completely uncalled for and there was really no excuse but the fact is those words were out of frustration, anger. and the fact that they were said while we were arguing made it feel like daggers hitting your heart even things you said too pierced mine as well. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't of left and who knows it would of worked out later on but ignoring me til after you came back from vacation and me finding about that there was another guy here you were talking to behind my back really bothered me... Still til this day I don't believe that he was "JUST A FRIEND" I don't know whether you did this piss me off or because I really meant nothing to you.

 

It's been now almost 2.5 years with you randomly making contact with me. Sometimes I even ignored you because I just couldn't deal with remembering all the things we had. You kept trying and trying until I broke loose. I decided to reply and I felt that I made a mistake. The first two times we tried to talk but again fell in same shoes.. ended in some stupid argument. The third time a little better but now seems like a mature take between both us yet I'm sitting over here wondering if all the things you really said to me were true pondering the reason why I talk to you still... Wondering the real reason why your plans are to move down here? I just can't take it anymore really. I don't want to think about it. I want it to be just a memory but it's been hard lately. The feelings for you just wont go! I haven't talked to you in like forever and a day now but I don't want to make the contact because technically I don't feel I should .. I'm thinking about things I shouldn't even care about but still wonder. Often times I think if your in the same shoes I am in but that just leads me to the same problem we had in the first place. There is something about you I can't figure out yet. Do you even care or do you just call to find out if I'm still in check? I don't know. I guess I still care about you and I don't think that is ever going to change but the thing that has me going is the fact I have thoughts about wanting you back when you come but WHY? Why can't you just get out of mind for awhile and let me live a little!? I need space yet I have all the space I could ever want! I guess I just need to get out of the hole and see the real world. I know it's not just you here... I really hope for a change soon!

 

BLAH!

 

 

 

 

This was a blog I recently posted on XXXXXXX not to long ago but since then we've talked online a few times and on the phone. She's planning on moving down here where I am if not somewhere close enough to make a visit but she's not doing it for me (least that's what she is projecting it to be) but she's doing it for a job.

 

 

 

Last night, I had a talk to her and pretty gave her the heads up. Told her that I had feelings for her still and that I don't think that is ever going to change. I hinted to her that if she wanted to do something with me or start something with me that it's her decision but I'm not going to force her. She understood and told me she wanted to take things slow which is understandable but why should take the time to do this? What if I give her the time? What if she does come down here but this business eh opens is like 4 hours away from me. I'm not really up for that... I told her this!

 

 

 

The situation was awkward of course and the situation is not predictable but this feeling about her will not go away even if tried to steer somewhere else. I still have it in my head. Trust me I've tried to date two other girls in between all this time but she's still stuck in there.

 

 

 

I'm confused and I really need some guidance of some sort..

 

 

 

Sorry if this all sounds too confusing!

[BCCA]

You have no clarity on your situation, which is making you feel even more helpless. People use the term 'taking it slow' instead of just saying outright that they don't really want to be committed. And what does that even mean, take it slow, in your situation? Are you going to take it slow and see how things progress, or does that mean she'll call you if she needs, but don't bother her in the meantime? Is the goal to attempt to give the relationship another go, or is it her just not wanting to tell you no for fear that you'll dissapear from her life for good?

 

Read this book: http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/

 

From what I'm reading here, it seems like you are doing more than your fair share and not really asking for much in return.

 

Told her that I had feelings for her still and that I don't think that is ever going to change. I hinted to her that if she wanted to do something with me or start something with me that it's her decision but I'm not going to force her.

 

Don't let yourself be a revolving door. Don't be a fall back plan, Option B, if all else fails...etc. You need to really tell her, firmly, that you have feelings for her and would like them to go someplace, and if thats not what she wants to do, she can have a nice life without you. You dont have to be harsh, but you just cant give people the idea that you'll be there waiting if they ever need, because then youre just asking to get used. She probably knows now that she can throw a little attention your way and pretty much get anything she wants from you, with no commitment at all. Screw that, thats not what you want.

 

Every actions needs to carry an equal reaction from you. She leaves you or is unsure? She doenst get to have you in her life at all. No calls/emails/texts when shes lonely, nothing. She wants to be without you, give her what she asked for. If you dont draw a line, she'll never give you anything more than 'we'll see how it goes/take it slow'.

[edrodr]

I am confused. I still don't know what to do in this situation but I don't want to ignore her either because I tried and it stings just a little when I do. I can try to be upfront and firm with her when I get the chance.

 

I will order the book today.

[BCCA]

I am confused. I still don't know what to do in this situation but I don't want to ignore her either because I tried and it stings just a little when I do. I can try to be upfront and firm with her when I get the chance.

 

I will order the book today.

 

Here is a plan you can use, which is what I did, that might help you make some sense of all this.

 

1. Remind yourself that this is over, you two are not together, and until something changes, thats how you need to view this relationship. There are millions of people in the world, and now, shes just another one of them.

 

2. Do not contact her at all. I know this one is tough, but you really have to do it to get some perspective and relfect. If she calls you, dont answer. If she doesnt leave a message, thats that - dont call back. If she does, listen to what it says. If its her saying she needs to talk to you, think about returning it. If its just to say hi - DELETE! Same with emails, texts, etc...

 

3. Think about what youre looking for in a relationship. Think about what you want/need/expect. Chances are good that if you did this, and then looked at your relationship with your ex, you werent getting your needs met. Thats why you should read the book, it will give you some insight on why us nice guys find ourselves in subpar relationships.

 

4. Exorcise her from your life. Anything you have that reminds you of her needs to be put away or thrown out. Don't have her as a friend on myspace/facebook, dont stalk her page, don't make any attempt to get any info or updates about her at all. If you know a mutual friend and they go to tell you something, just stop them and say you just dont care to hear it.

 

5. Re-find yourself. Go back to who you are and what you liked to do before you met her. Go out with friends, date other girls (one of my favorite things to do is to just try and strike up any sort of meaningless conversation with at least a couple girls wherever I am that are cute. sometimes, they tell you to buzz off - and thats ok, but you never know). Just get back to being the person you were before you met her.

 

6. This is where I am - you need to identify any and all 'red flags' that your ex gave you ( and believe me, they were there all along), and realize that past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. If she told you what a jerk she was to an ex after a split, how she cheated, etc...chances are thats whats gonna happen to you. You need to remember not to let these things slide, theyre important, and even if youre in love, youre asking for trouble if you let them go undiscussed.

 

I'll leave you with this:

 

Have you ever liked someone and wanted to be with them? Did you ever feel like 'you didn't know' how you felt if you wanted to be with them? I doubt it, because when you like someone, there is no uncertainty, you know. The next time you hear someone being wishy washy with their feelings about you, put yourself in their shoes. If you liked a girl, would you want her out there dating other people so you risk losing her? No, you wouldn't.

[edrodr]

1. Remind yourself that this is over, you two are not together, and until something changes, thats how you need to view this relationship. There are millions of people in the world, and now, shes just another one of them.

 

I remind myself all the time. I know it's over but the problem we had when broke up was was never fixed. I knew it could of been of she tried but she completely left me out in the cold when I was having these issues with her. I don't think I ever wanted it to be over but she just never was open with me and let me know what the deal was when I asked when I was with her. I had to literally pick her brains to try to figure her out but it was not happening. She never gave an solid answer it was always a open answer that could either way. I hoped for the best always.

 

2. Do not contact her at all. I know this one is tough, but you really have to do it to get some perspective and relfect. If she calls you, dont answer. If she doesnt leave a message, thats that - dont call back. If she does, listen to what it says. If its her saying she needs to talk to you, think about returning it. If its just to say hi - DELETE! Same with emails, texts, etc...

 

I just don't think this is right though? I tried this and it doesn't not feel good at all. It hurt and it stings. I don't like that feeling at all. Needless to say she was my first and I just don't feel that I should completely ignore her but rather make change somewhere else.

 

Also to give you the heads up I did try to ignore her for about a good 1yr and totally did not say or respond to any of her messages but she never gave up. She kept going.. whether it was 3 months, 6 months or 1 month there was always some text message she sent me. (I'm not going to change my number because of this either!) After like the 5th or 6th time I gave in because it hurt and it stung and was quite annoyed with the feeling so I needed to heal. This was the only way. I still have feelings for her no matter what so ignoring her is probably not going to work all the time because not only was she was my first she has made an impact in my life.

 

 

3. Think about what youre looking for in a relationship. Think about what you want/need/expect. Chances are good that if you did this, and then looked at your relationship with your ex, you werent getting your needs met. Thats why you should read the book, it will give you some insight on why us nice guys find ourselves in subpar relationships.

 

This is true. I wasn't being loved the way I should. I was treated more as a best friend with benefits it seemed like and was never wanting to commit even after I moved to be with her. The problem with this commitment issue was probably because she was seeing things in me she didn't like but was afraid to also tell me so I continued without knowing.

 

I know what I want in a relationship. In fact, the day I had the conversation her I laid the cards on the table and told her all the things that annoyed me and bothered me. She was not aware of half of these things apparently. I figured what do I have to lose anyway she's not with me now nor will I ever probably will so might as well spill the beans.

 

I'm about 90% if I asked her the question about what annoyed her about me she would probably say she doesn't know which is funny because I know she knows but why she wont tell me? I dont know myself..

 

4. Exorcise her from your life. Anything you have that reminds you of her needs to be put away or thrown out. Don't have her as a friend on myspace/facebook, dont stalk her page, don't make any attempt to get any info or updates about her at all. If you know a mutual friend and they go to tell you something, just stop them and say you just dont care to hear it.

 

It's put away. It's not thrown out.

She has been removed from myspace since our break up and will stay that way because I know I will be stalking her page so it's better then I don't. (I'm glad she has it on private) I know nobody other then her. Remember I moved up there to be with her and didn't hang out with her and "her" friends enough to develop some friendship. I had a problem with her trying to keep me hidden. (Well at least that's what it felt like cause she never really took me anywhere other then family gatherings)

 

 

5. Re-find yourself. Go back to who you are and what you liked to do before you met her. Go out with friends, date other girls (one of my favorite things to do is to just try and strike up any sort of meaningless conversation with at least a couple girls wherever I am that are cute. sometimes, they tell you to buzz off - and thats ok, but you never know). Just get back to being the person you were before you met her.

 

This is hard because I met her '99 and since then I've loved her. I've tried to connect with girls but I end up in the friend zone. Another issue I have but working on it.

 

----------------

 

 

FYI: I've purchased the book already from e-book.com and am now just passing chapter 2. I can't explain how much a lot this stuff pertains to me and how much I can relate to many situations. I'm hoping to see how this all going to lay out in the end. I've always really wanted answers and so far the book is helping understand but I'll have to continue reading it. Thank you for for taking the time. If you need to ask me more questions I will answer them so you have an understanding of this situation a bit more.

[Hersheys]

 

Also to give you the heads up I did try to ignore her for about a good 1yr and totally did not say or respond to any of her messages but she never gave up. She kept going.. whether it was 3 months, 6 months or 1 month there was always some text message she sent me. (I'm not going to change my number because of this either!) After like the 5th or 6th time I gave in because it hurt and it stung and was quite annoyed with the feeling so I needed to heal. This was the only way. I still have feelings for her no matter what so ignoring her is probably not going to work all the time because not only was she was my first she has made an impact in my life.

 

Maybe these are the reasons why you can't get her out of your mind. You're still in contact, always giving in to her and have no plans of going NC again, have no plans of ignoring her. What are you going to do? Try to forget her by being there for her?

 

Another thing is you've sort of put her on a pedestal. She may be you're first in everything but you can't stay stuck on a relationship that isn't working out for you.

[BCCA]

I remind myself all the time. I know it's over but the problem we had when broke up was was never fixed. I knew it could of been of she tried but she completely left me out in the cold when I was having these issues with her. I don't think I ever wanted it to be over but she just never was open with me and let me know what the deal was when I asked when I was with her. I had to literally pick her brains to try to figure her out but it was not happening. She never gave an solid answer it was always a open answer that could either way. I hoped for the best always.

 

Man, this sounds like my ex to a T. Let me ask you this though (someone did this for me), if you had something good to tell her when you were together, would you hold back? If you had something positive you wanted her to know, would you keep it in? No. The reason she isnt opening up or giving you straight answers is because she doesnt have anything good to say, but doesnt want to burn any bridges...which is just selfish. If she was interested in making you happy and making things work, she would let you know the deal. All she is doing by keeping it in is hoping she can keep you around until she finds another option. I know, it sucks, but its true.

 

 

I just don't think this is right though? I tried this and it doesn't not feel good at all. It hurt and it stings. I don't like that feeling at all. Needless to say she was my first and I just don't feel that I should completely ignore her but rather make change somewhere else.

 

Also to give you the heads up I did try to ignore her for about a good 1yr and totally did not say or respond to any of her messages but she never gave up. She kept going.. whether it was 3 months, 6 months or 1 month there was always some text message she sent me. (I'm not going to change my number because of this either!) After like the 5th or 6th time I gave in because it hurt and it stung and was quite annoyed with the feeling so I needed to heal. This was the only way. I still have feelings for her no matter what so ignoring her is probably not going to work all the time because not only was she was my first she has made an impact in my life.

 

YES! IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO!

 

No, it isnt going to feel good for a while, but you need to heal. All youre doing my keeping in touch is letting her know that she isnt a bad person and that youll be waiting in the wings if all else fails. Your needs are NOT being met, while hers are. Don't do this to yourself, you deserve better man.

 

'Make a change elsewhere' gives me the impression that youre taking TOO much responsibility for the break. It takes two to tango, my friend. You cant make a relationship work by only changing yourself and what you do. You need a partner who will do the same, or its never going to work.

 

 

This is true. I wasn't being loved the way I should. I was treated more as a best friend with benefits it seemed like and was never wanting to commit even after I moved to be with her. The problem with this commitment issue was probably because she was seeing things in me she didn't like but was afraid to also tell me so I continued without knowing.

 

I know what I want in a relationship. In fact, the day I had the conversation her I laid the cards on the table and told her all the things that annoyed me and bothered me. She was not aware of half of these things apparently. I figured what do I have to lose anyway she's not with me now nor will I ever probably will so might as well spill the beans.

 

I'm about 90% if I asked her the question about what annoyed her about me she would probably say she doesn't know which is funny because I know she knows but why she wont tell me? I dont know myself..

 

I gotta point this out...I asked what you were looking for in a relationship, like what would you like in a partner, what would make you happy, etc. Then, you start telling me about the girl who just dumped you. I'm assuming youre not looking for a girl to dump you, right?

 

Stop making excuses for her, or trying to rationalize her side of this. Who cares why she didnt want to commit, she didnt want to commit - thats all you need to know! And again, she wont tell you anything because its not good news about you, and she doesnt want to be the bad guy.

 

It's put away. It's not thrown out.

She has been removed from myspace since our break up and will stay that way because I know I will be stalking her page so it's better then I don't. (I'm glad she has it on private) I know nobody other then her. Remember I moved up there to be with her and didn't hang out with her and "her" friends enough to develop some friendship. I had a problem with her trying to keep me hidden. (Well at least that's what it felt like cause she never really took me anywhere other then family gatherings)

 

Oh man. I'm going to be honest, this does not sound good. There aren't a lot of reasons to keep someone hidden from your friends. Two that come to mind is that she either didnt want her friends to meet you, or her 'friends' included other dudes she was interested in. Did you ever ask her why? I'm guessing she gave you the 'you shouldnt feel like that' line when you mentioned being hidden...

 

 

This is hard because I met her '99 and since then I've loved her. I've tried to connect with girls but I end up in the friend zone. Another issue I have but working on it.

 

Keep reading the book. And here is my take...I would rather have no friends or girlfriends than ones that didnt appreciate me or treat me well.

 

----------------

 

 

FYI: I've purchased the book already from e-book.com and am now just passing chapter 2. I can't explain how much a lot this stuff pertains to me and how much I can relate to many situations. I'm hoping to see how this all going to lay out in the end. I've always really wanted answers and so far the book is helping understand but I'll have to continue reading it. Thank you for for taking the time. If you need to ask me more questions I will answer them so you have an understanding of this situation a bit more.

 

I'm glad to hear it. You actually remind me a lot of myself, and what I've gone through. I can just tell by your post that youre a nice guy, but you need to make sure you dont cross over into the 'doormat' realm. This could be reason you keep getting friend-zoned, too. If there is anything else you want to ask, just let me know.

[edrodr]

Man, this sounds like my ex to a T. Let me ask you this though (someone did this for me), if you had something good to tell her when you were together, would you hold back? NO If you had something positive you wanted her to know, would you keep it in? No (exactly). The reason she isnt opening up or giving you straight answers is because she doesnt have anything good to say, but doesnt want to burn any bridges...which is just selfish. If she was interested in making you happy and making things work, she would let you know the deal. All she is doing by keeping it in is hoping she can keep you around until she finds another option. I know, it sucks, but its true.

 

But this is almost 2.5 years ago? I'm almost sure she knew it was a problem. Maybe she's trying to fix it now that she knows it was becuase I told her it was...

 

That really bothers me because I dropped everything and moved 1000 miles to be with her. Why would she allow me to move up there with her?

 

 

YES! IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO!

 

Ugh! Can I just let know I'm going to need time to think about it. I just can't stop completely. She's like almost doing everything that I've asked lately. She calling a lot more then she ever did instead of text messaging me. Is she changing? I don't know really until she gets here! This is really hard.

No, it isnt going to feel good for a while, but you need to heal. All youre doing my keeping in touch is letting her know that she isnt a bad person and that youll be waiting in the wings if all else fails. Your needs are NOT being met, while hers are. Don't do this to yourself, you deserve better man.

 

I'm not waiting in the wings for her trust me. If a girl that I liked came up to me right now and wanted to hook up with me I would totally take that vs this. I have feelings for her but they aren't like they used to be. Like I said I have a problem with meeting girls and getting stuck in the friendzone.

 

'Make a change elsewhere' gives me the impression that youre taking TOO much responsibility for the break. It takes two to tango, my friend. You cant make a relationship work by only changing yourself and what you do. You need a partner who will do the same, or its never going to work.

 

 

She called me last night and we talked (surprise surprise very rare she calls me usually its text). Normal conversation nothing big other then her venting about work but I did find out this business proposition is with a guy, a friend she says, named Chris who she worked with awhile back that had to move here because he had to take care of his grandma. According to her he's a great chef and he's looking to open up a restaurant/coffee shop which caught her attention because she's always wanted to own a coffee shop business. I just find it funny that it has to be a guy (I know she thought I was jealous but I really wasn't because I was used it. If it was a girlfriend she would of said with no hesitation) and a friend she is willing to put all her faith in hopes it works. This business was going to open 5hrs away from me and I told her I was not going to have it if that is the case. It's amazing how she rebutted saying that the business could be anywhere. I asked her if the grant didn't happen then will be still staying there and she pretty much said that she is moving anyway no matter how it goes but she still has not told me how or where she will be going all I know it will be closer then 1000 miles away. I have given hints to move closer to me thought (I know! :/) So I see how she is holding me on a leash and trying to keep me close in case something happens but I'm not going to given into her games if that is what she is doing because I've been through it already. I think I should just see how it goes and if she decides to be far away from me then I already pretty much have a solid answer from her actions too.

 

Right now our conversations are normal and have been for quite sometime. Nothing fancy but I did threw at her some signs over the phone to see if she would respond but again *silence, no response or change of subject* (blah!) I asked her what's up and why not an answerand said that "I was daring!" and proceeded to say to take things slow and see how things work out? Am I just being too pushy here? Or am I just not really seeing the picture here?

 

I gotta point this out...I asked what you were looking for in a relationship, like what would you like in a partner, what would make you happy, etc. Then, you start telling me about the girl who just dumped you. I'm assuming youre not looking for a girl to dump you, right?

 

No

 

Stop making excuses for her, or trying to rationalize her side of this. Who cares why she didnt want to commit, she didnt want to commit - thats all you need to know! And again, she wont tell you anything because its not good news about you, and she doesnt want to be the bad guy.

 

Things change and again this was 2.5 years ago when we broke up and had this situation. I know I'm sorry it seems have an excuse for everything but I'm really trying to see all sides here.

 

Oh man. I'm going to be honest, this does not sound good. There aren't a lot of reasons to keep someone hidden from your friends. Two that come to mind is that she either didnt want her friends to meet you, or her 'friends' included other dudes she was interested in. Did you ever ask her why? I'm guessing she gave you the 'you shouldnt feel like that' line when you mentioned being hidden...

 

I met her online year '99 we talked and talked until I was able to make a move. I think she just didn't want her friends to know I came from online. Although I should ask her why while I have the chance so I know the real reason I was hidden from friends. I did one day got invited to one event which was really cool and she did not refrain from showing her affection towards me as I found that really weird. She kissed me in public and was acting like a girlfriend.

 

I remember one day we got in argument and it was about a one of my lady friends sending me a christmas card. She got super jealous about her because this card had some really nice friendly things to sayto me that normally a "girlfriend" would say and signed ith with "Love XXXX". I tell you it hard to convince her that she was a friend because I also had pictures of her on my computer. She was only a friend though. One of those girls I fell in the friendzone with so with that being said I really don't think she would hide me from a guy but then again I don't really know. I can tell you she hung out her co-workers who were guys but they were gay (she says). So in all I kind of understand some reason not to be invited as the places she would would be a gay bar. No thanks!

 

 

I'm glad to hear it. You actually remind me a lot of myself, and what I've gone through. I can just tell by your post that youre a nice guy, but you need to make sure you dont cross over into the 'doormat' realm. This could be reason you keep getting friend-zoned, too. If there is anything else you want to ask, just let me know.

 

This is why I came here to find an answer and get help from someone that has been in my shoes. I appreciate all the answers so far and you definitely helping me eventhough it sounds like I'm not listening.

-- Almost finishing Chapter 6: Just randomly emailed Dad! Scary ... I havent had a father/son relationship in forever. We'll see how this goes.

 

[selena_cat]

hey BCCA

How about a book for us girls, no more ms, Nice girl hey?

I think that guys have been reading that No more mr. nice guy book since they were small an have it down packed.

it will take time Edrodr,'you just have to stricktly commence no contact but this after you lay your card on that table

say Ms., if you dont want me you cant have me, please dont contact me unless you change your mind and is serious about us, thats being honest

[BCCA]

But this is almost 2.5 years ago? I'm almost sure she knew it was a problem. Maybe she's trying to fix it now that she knows it was becuase I told her it was...

 

That really bothers me because I dropped everything and moved 1000 miles to be with her. Why would she allow me to move up there with her?

 

 

The worst thing about the guessing game is that all you can do is assume. Also, there are people whose feelings can change with the winds. I can promise you this though, its always been a problem for her. What she probably has done (I'm basing this entirely on my experience) is jump ship when this problem shows up again, thinking that if she finds the 'one' shell never have to change. That is kind of wrong to ask you to move 1k miles to be with her.

 

Have you ever honestly just called her on the carpet about all this? I mean, you deserve some answers to these questions.

 

 

Ugh! Can I just let know I'm going to need time to think about it. I just can't stop completely. She's like almost doing everything that I've asked lately. She calling a lot more then she ever did instead of text messaging me. Is she changing? I don't know really until she gets here! This is really hard.

 

Actions have to speak louder than words before you believe her. Also, think about what? Have you two discussed what your plan is here? I'm just making sure youre not just waiting and seeing whats going to happen, because thats a waste of time. What is she saying when she calls? If its just 'hi', shes just BSing you around man.

 

 

I'm not waiting in the wings for her trust me. If a girl that I liked came up to me right now and wanted to hook up with me I would totally take that vs this. I have feelings for her but they aren't like they used to be. Like I said I have a problem with meeting girls and getting stuck in the friendzone.

 

I think you have to really look at this statment and realize whats going on. Youre in love with who you think she can be, not really who she is right now. Dont sell yourself short into an unhappy relationship because thats the best option right now. There will be more options later in life, believe that. And again, I would rather have no one than someone who isnt treating me right and making me feel good about thing.

 

 

She called me last night and we talked (surprise surprise very rare she calls me usually its text). Normal conversation nothing big other then her venting about work but I did find out this business proposition is with a guy, a friend she says, named Chris who she worked with awhile back that had to move here because he had to take care of his grandma. According to her he's a great chef and he's looking to open up a restaurant/coffee shop which caught her attention because she's always wanted to own a coffee shop business. I just find it funny that it has to be a guy (I know she thought I was jealous but I really wasn't because I was used it. If it was a girlfriend she would of said with no hesitation) and a friend she is willing to put all her faith in hopes it works. This business was going to open 5hrs away from me and I told her I was not going to have it if that is the case. It's amazing how she rebutted saying that the business could be anywhere. I asked her if the grant didn't happen then will be still staying there and she pretty much said that she is moving anyway no matter how it goes but she still has not told me how or where she will be going all I know it will be closer then 1000 miles away. I have given hints to move closer to me thought (I know! :/) So I see how she is holding me on a leash and trying to keep me close in case something happens but I'm not going to given into her games if that is what she is doing because I've been through it already. I think I should just see how it goes and if she decides to be far away from me then I already pretty much have a solid answer from her actions too.

 

Again, shes not giving you straight answers. Its all mixed messages, and there is no commitment. You dont want to see what happens, thats asking for trouble. You want to know what to expect. She's just having her cake and eating it, too. Like you said, shes keeping you at arms length, and feeding you whatever it takes to wiggle out of the situation without being direct. This is why I advise going no contact, because when you do hear from her, she'll get the point that you arent going to tolerate this wishy washy crap any longer.

 

Right now our conversations are normal and have been for quite sometime. Nothing fancy but I did threw at her some signs over the phone to see if she would respond but again *silence, no response or change of subject* (blah!) I asked her what's up and why not an answerand said that "I was daring!" and proceeded to say to take things slow and see how things work out? Am I just being too pushy here? Or am I just not really seeing the picture here?

 

She doesnt want to give you a straight answer. I asked someone else this, maybe it will give you something to think about: define 'take things slowly'. What does that mean exactly? Are you two getting back together or just 'seeing what happens'? If she wanted you back, guess what - you wouldnt get these kinds of answers. This has the look of someone trying to keep a backup all over it.

 

 

 

No

 

Good, next time you think about what you want in a relationship, make sure to think of things in general, not things from her Big difference.

 

Things change and again this was 2.5 years ago when we broke up and had this situation. I know I'm sorry it seems have an excuse for everything but I'm really trying to see all sides here.

 

Its one thing to be reasonable, its another to look for excuses for someone treating you subpar. As I've learned, situations are more about how they make you feel than about why the other person did what they did. I'm sure this has made you feel like crap for long periods of time, and while I'm sure she has her reasons for what she did (everyone does), it doesnt matter - it didnt feel good to YOU. Excuses are like a-holes, everyone has one and they all stink.

 

I met her online year '99 we talked and talked until I was able to make a move. I think she just didn't want her friends to know I came from online. Although I should ask her why while I have the chance so I know the real reason I was hidden from friends. I did one day got invited to one event which was really cool and she did not refrain from showing her affection towards me as I found that really weird. She kissed me in public and was acting like a girlfriend.

 

The online thing could be it. I know it shouldnt matter, but there are some people who look down on it. Just make sure your question about why is answered, and you actually get a legitimate reply (not like "I dunno", no reason" etc) Its odd that she wouldnt want you around her friends. Most girls want their boyfriends to become intertwined with their friends so she can hang out with both of you at once.

 

I remember one day we got in argument and it was about a one of my lady friends sending me a christmas card. She got super jealous about her because this card had some really nice friendly things to sayto me that normally a "girlfriend" would say and signed ith with "Love XXXX". I tell you it hard to convince her that she was a friend because I also had pictures of her on my computer. She was only a friend though. One of those girls I fell in the friendzone with so with that being said I really don't think she would hide me from a guy but then again I don't really know. I can tell you she hung out her co-workers who were guys but they were gay (she says). So in all I kind of understand some reason not to be invited as the places she would would be a gay bar. No thanks!

 

Yeah, thats true. However, my ex had tons of lesbian friends, and constantly asked me out to gay bars. I always said no, but she still asked.

 

This girl you fell into the friendzone with...why are you still talking to her?

 

This is why I came here to find an answer and get help from someone that has been in my shoes. I appreciate all the answers so far and you definitely helping me eventhough it sounds like I'm not listening.

 

Advice isnt supposed to be forced upon someone. I'm just giving you some facts that I discovered after what I went through. If you dont listen to anything I say I wont hold it against you. I just want to help, honestly.

 

-- Almost finishing Chapter 6: Just randomly emailed Dad! Scary ... I havent had a father/son relationship in forever. We'll see how this goes.

Its an eye opening book. Many thanks to CaliGuy for the heads up on it.

[edrodr]

Have you ever honestly just called her on the carpet about all this? I mean, you deserve some answers to these questions.

 

No but I will very soon.

 

 

Actions have to speak louder than words before you believe her. Also, think about what? Have you two discussed what your plan is here? I'm just making sure youre not just waiting and seeing whats going to happen, because thats a waste of time. What is she saying when she calls? If its just 'hi', shes just BSing you around man.

 

- Not really. You have a point and I will talk to her about that too.

- We talk but mostly I spark up a conversation. If she just wants to say hi she would just say it text message. Of course I respond to it.

 

I think you have to really look at this statment and realize whats going on. Youre in love with who you think she can be, not really who she is right now. Dont sell yourself short into an unhappy relationship because thats the best option right now. There will be more options later in life, believe that. And again, I would rather have no one than someone who isnt treating me right and making me feel good about thing.

 

I think you are right. I'm hoping for a change that isn't probably going to happen but by me even saying this sounds like I'm still defending her. The whole long distance and not dealing with this in person has me a bit confused at the decisions I make.

Again, shes not giving you straight answers. Its all mixed messages, and there is no commitment. You dont want to see what happens, thats asking for trouble. You want to know what to expect. She's just having her cake and eating it, too. Like you said, shes keeping you at arms length, and feeding you whatever it takes to wiggle out of the situation without being direct. This is why I advise going no contact, because when you do hear from her, she'll get the point that you arent going to tolerate this wishy washy crap any longer.

 

Exactly.

I've not made contact with her yet. Today will be my second day.

I'm almost sure she will text message me instead of call to see how I'm doing. I don't think I should completely do the "NC" yet until I get answers or do you think I should just forget about it?

 

She doesnt want to give you a straight answer. I asked someone else this, maybe it will give you something to think about: define 'take things slowly'. What does that mean exactly? Are you two getting back together or just 'seeing what happens'? If she wanted you back, guess what - you wouldnt get these kinds of answers. This has the look of someone trying to keep a backup all over it.

 

True. I kind of knew this and I don't know why she doing this. I believe you. I think that if she really to get back with me that she would of acknowledged it already rather they keeping me on the edge which what I have keeping myself in. It will get fixed soon.

 

Its one thing to be reasonable, its another to look for excuses for someone treating you subpar. As I've learned, situations are more about how they make you feel than about why the other person did what they did. I'm sure this has made you feel like crap for long periods of time, and while I'm sure she has her reasons for what she did (everyone does), it doesnt matter - it didnt feel good to YOU. Excuses are like a-holes, everyone has one and they all stink.

 

I agree

The online thing could be it. I know it shouldnt matter, but there are some people who look down on it. Just make sure your question about why is answered, and you actually get a legitimate reply (not like "I dunno", no reason" etc) Its odd that she wouldnt want you around her friends. Most girls want their boyfriends to become intertwined with their friends so she can hang out with both of you at once.

 

Her parents looked down on it yet I was hanging out with them more. So if that was reason then I really don't know. I guess her friends meant a lot more to her. Who knows..

 

This girl you fell into the friendzone with...why are you still talking to her?

 

We had small misunderstanding about a year ago. Funny you ask because she just added me back on her myspace. Ever since I was not talking to her but when I was with my EX I was occasionally. I don't feel this was wrong as she was about 3K miles away and married.Her and I will only be friends only though.

Advice isnt supposed to be forced upon someone. I'm just giving you some facts that I discovered after what I went through. If you dont listen to anything I say I wont hold it against you. I just want to help, honestly.

 

Thanks again.

 

 

 

--- Just finished up the book! All have to say is WoW. I got a lot of work ahead of me. Obviously it's going to take sometime because I didn't exaclty get to be this way overnight. Thanks for the pointing me to this book.

[edrodr]

hey BCCA

How about a book for us girls, no more ms, Nice girl hey?

I think that guys have been reading that No more mr. nice guy book since they were small an have it down packed.

it will take time Edrodr,'you just have to stricktly commence no contact but this after you lay your card on that table

say Ms., if you dont want me you cant have me, please dont contact me unless you change your mind and is serious about us, thats being honest

 

I will soon let her know..

If not sooner..

 

Thanks

[BCCA]

No but I will very soon.

 

Wait for her to call you.

 

 

 

- Not really. You have a point and I will talk to her about that too.

- We talk but mostly I spark up a conversation. If she just wants to say hi she would just say it text message. Of course I respond to it.

 

Start being less available through text messaging. Thats kind of like a minimal effort on her part. If she really wants to say hi, your phone will ring.

 

 

 

 

I think you are right. I'm hoping for a change that isn't probably going to happen but by me even saying this sounds like I'm still defending her. The whole long distance and not dealing with this in person has me a bit confused at the decisions I make.

 

There is always going to be an internal battle between your mind, that knows what you should do, and your heart, who knows what you want to do.

 

There is nothing wrong with thinking things out, but dont fill in the blanks for her. You'll never know whats up with her unless she tells/shows you.

 

 

Exactly.

I've not made contact with her yet. Today will be my second day.

I'm almost sure she will text message me instead of call to see how I'm doing. I don't think I should completely do the "NC" yet until I get answers or do you think I should just forget about it?

 

I think you should ignore text message all together. Again, thats a pretty easy way out for her. If she really cares and wants to see how you are, she'll call. And if she doesnt call, she was probably just bored and wanted someone to text with. Letting her get by with a minimal effort basically tells her that youre ok with the communication this way, when thats really not what you want. Also, keep in mind that its far more difficult to get answers and have a conversation over text messages - dont think she doesnt know that.

 

 

True. I kind of knew this and I don't know why she doing this. I believe you. I think that if she really to get back with me that she would of acknowledged it already rather they keeping me on the edge which what I have keeping myself in. It will get fixed soon.

 

She doesnt want to give up her 'sure thing' backup plan. People tend to try and avoid burning bridges by being upfront, when its really counterproductive, because eventually the truth comes out. Sometimes people just like to have someone to boost their ego while theyre out there meeting other people. I would say 9 out of 10 times Ive heard from ex's is after they just got dumped.

 

Her parents looked down on it yet I was hanging out with them more. So if that was reason then I really don't know. I guess her friends meant a lot more to her. Who knows..

 

You should never stand for being second best. If she cant place equal importance on you and her friends, then you arent that important. Most people kind of go MIA from their friends when theyre in a relationship, people understand. This is a red flag, and next time, you have to deal with it immediately.

 

 

We had small misunderstanding about a year ago. Funny you ask because she just added me back on her myspace. Ever since I was not talking to her but when I was with my EX I was occasionally. I don't feel this was wrong as she was about 3K miles away and married.Her and I will only be friends only though.

 

Its always going to be dicey talking to exs with the new girlfriend. I understand where youre coming from, but if this is ever an issue again, you should fully explain who she is and what your relationship is to anyone youre dating. People hear that youre talking to an ex and assume the worst.

 

 

 

--- Just finished up the book! All have to say is WoW. I got a lot of work ahead of me. Obviously it's going to take sometime because I didn't exaclty get to be this way overnight. Thanks for the pointing me to this book.

 

Rome wasnt built in a day. Having the knowledge and the desire to change is a starting point, all you have to do is keep working at it.

[edrodr]

I knew it!

 

Day 3 she texted me says, "Good Morning"

 

That's all she said! I'm tempted .. I know I shouldn't .. I wont!

 

Blah! This is tough! I need to go out and do something!

[edrodr]

again .. another text!

 

"Are you alive?"

 

 

---

 

Blah!

[lofi_tokyo]

Stay strong! Eventually she'll get the hint.

[edrodr]

She called...

 

I picked up! She was worried that I didn't respond and I told her I was with my friend all day she said oh ok. Had a small talk but I told her I couldnt talk and that I will call her back tomorrow I couldn't tonight..

 

 

She ended up calling though?

 

So what now what does this tell you or us? I know it just happened

 

 

 

BCCA said to don't respond until she calls just so you know... Hopefully I didn't cross any lines here..

[lofi_tokyo]

If shes calling thats good, it means shes actually making SOME sort of effort to contact you!

 

What does it tell me? I'm not sure. Best way to find out is to... talk to her if you want, see where it goes. If you sense that she may be acting selfish in talking to you, and that is her sole motivation, keep away.

 

Wait for BCCA to log on and say more, hes smart.

[edrodr]

So today she texted me to see if I can help her get her new laptop hooked up to the internet. Since I know she was never able to do that I kind of said sure I'd help. I'm not sure whether she was doing that just find an excuse to talk to me (which is good cause this would be on the phone talk) or becuase she really needed help. She then asked me if I was mad at her for some reason? I said not at all but have been thinking about some stuff lately. Told her I'd talk to her about tonight

 

So I guess by me not responding to her yesterday in text and kind of putting her to the side she sensed it might have been something she's done that I got mad about?

[D-Lish]

So today she texted me to see if I can help her get her new laptop hooked up to the internet. Since I know she was never able to do that I kind of said sure I'd help. I'm not sure whether she was doing that just find an excuse to talk to me (which is good cause this would be on the phone talk) or becuase she really needed help. She then asked me if I was mad at her for some reason? I said not at all but have been thinking about some stuff lately. Told her I'd talk to her about tonight

 

So I guess by me not responding to her yesterday in text and kind of putting her to the side she sensed it might have been something she's done that I got mad about?

 

 

Yes, she responded to that behaviour. All of a sudden, the guy who is always there...isn't there.

 

In my opinion you gave in WAY TOO FAST.

You've gone right back to square one by going over to your place to help her.

 

She was slightly worried she was losing you- and that prompted her to come after you. She's no longer worried about losing you- you're going to her place to fix her lap top. She's back on top again and you're back to being her doormat.

 

Sorry to be so harsh... but that is how she treats you, and that is how you let her treat you.

 

24 hours of no contact isn't going to make a difference.

I would have been really firm with the- "sorry, I am busy, I can't help with the lap top".

 

It is going to take more than a few un-returned texts to undo your relationship dynamics. If you still have time- cancel helping her out.

She is too used to saying "jump" and watching you do it.

[edrodr]

Have you read any of what I said before you posted your comment? Just curious then you would understand... what is going on..

 

If fact I don't think you did because you'd know I'm not really a hop skip in a jump away from from her.

 

Also, I did it becuase I could use this time to ask/tell her things I need to tell her..

 

Thanks tho for your input.

[edrodr]

After last night I'm almost convinced she is trying to make the effort but of course this the way I see it.

 

 

-She ended up calling me right after she got off the work. Usually takes her about an 45 minutes so we were on the phone for that long. In this conversation I pretty much asked her some of the questions I wanted to know from my previous post.

1.) The whole friend hiding business she said was because she said since I technically lived with her she wanted to have time on her own with her friends and told me most of the time it was with just one girlfriend. Although she did say she felt really bad leaving me cause she knew it annoyed me. I simply just stated that if I ever hung out with friends or something I'd invite her. I told her I questioned it all the time and always wondered if she was really talking to another guy and told her that it seemed like it all came true since I found out about the guy she was "talking" to when we were in the process of trying to work things out in the end. She didn't say much afterwards.

 

I do understand her needing time but I didn't understand how she knew it annoyed and not talk to me about it.

 

2.) In this conversation we also covered the reason for her really moving down here and she told me it was either for a job or just to move here because she wanted to move here. Nothing she told me hinted me that it was for me.

 

3.) I basically then proceeded to talk her about how I see her as and that I was not looking forward to getting hurt in the future. I wanted to know whether she wanted me back or not. It was a pretty direct question (she has trouble with these). She didn't know to say because she doesn't know really know where she's going to move but she said she still wants to be friends and talk. When she said the whole friend thing that kind of through me off the loop. I told her that I don't think I can be friends and that I may have to pretty much stop making contact with her. She got a little jumpy and said that is what I'

m

going to do that I should tell her but she doesn't think that's right. I asked her why and she said, "because I still have feelings for you too".

So

from all this I really didn't understand the whole wanting to be just friends for now and I really wasn't looking forward to getting hurt. I told her I'

m

not willing to give you 100% if your not going to at least meet me halfway. She asked me if I wasn't going to talk to her anymore and I said I don't know. We pretty much ended the conversation there cuase she got home. She said to call her later and with hesitation I said I will probably...

 

So after all this I was starting to think to myself on how I am going to take care of this without having to worry so much about it. I really can't handle the whole friend thing knowing I got these feelings for her now. I just thought well I'm going to need time to heal so that means no contact. After I thought this out I figured I'd call her one last time and tell her my thoughts again and tell her I was going to heal but as I went back to my phone I had one missed call and 3 text messages from her. My phone was on vibrate and I didnt hear it. Looks like she called and left text messages that said "Are you ignoring me?" " Why are you doing this?" " =( ".

 

So I called her back and we talked a little. Told her my phone was on vibrate. Sounded like she was scared a little. I was also shocked she picked up. Normal conversation. Proceeded to help her connect to the internet on her laptop but it was too late. I didn't tell her I needed time to heal yet. ( I know :/) So we hung up again.

 

She texted me afterwards talking about her deal in trying to get the net going w/o me yadda yadda but then I threw in a straight question and I said " You know what? I think you should just make a visit here soon " and she said " Yes I think I should ". I asked her if she was serious and said yes she was.. on on text then .. SURPRISE. My phone rings yet again.. I was like oh wow 3 phones .. one night. She said "it was easier to talk on the phone then text". I was really shocked she even said that becuase I always used to say that and now look at her making this change. So anyways now she' splanning on making a visit here around Thanksgiving!? Which I'm still kind of ehh! It could be just all talk but we'll see when its time.

 

 

I really think she's trying to keep me around but I don't think she's playing games with me. I really think she wants me back but is taking it slow so saying the whole friends thing "for now" is just like lets start over thing you know?. She's a lot more open now then before. She was actually trying to give me solid answers which is an improvement I even asked her some things that bother her about me while we were together and said the biggest thing was me "smoking" and others were minor. I really thought she would not give me answer. Frankly this is my fault because I knew she hated it but I kept going at it although there was a reason why I kept doing it. This is just my opinion and this is what I jsut see it as.

 

Anyways. I may have missed some good points here and there but I think you get the gist of it.

[BCCA]

This is a tough one. Thing is, I think sometimes people try to hard to understand where the other person is coming from, and they forget about what they want. What I'm saying is that while its ok to be patient and see how it all plays out, dont put too much effort or hope into this situation until it starts to pan out a bit more. You told her you werent down with the friends thing, but then suggested she should come hang out...as friends. What that tells her is that youre going to let her have her way with this friends thing, even though you told her it wasnt working for you.

 

I cant really tell you for sure, but it sounds like shes only willing to make an effort to keep you from hating/not talking to her. Youre still getting stuck in the friend zone, there is nothing really new going on, and you said you needed to go NC, but didnt.

 

You have to understand that you dont need to tell her everything youre doing, or seek permission for it, and you have to look out for yourself above all else. I would still lean toward going NC until things kind of make a move in one direction or the other. Youre still kind of in limbo, IMO.