falling in love with married woman

[applecaramel]

Hi everyone,

 

sorry for my bad english, but I needed to hear other people's opinion.

I am 30 years old single man and never been married.

I met a girl from my work and i felt in love with her.

After we became friends, she told me that she is married.

I was really surprised.. She is only 20 and I never thought she was married. She told me she got married 1 year ago, and she's currently separated from her husband. I think that made me keep falling in love with her. I think about her everyday and I been searching the internet forum someone who is in my boat. Well.. I don't think she's in love with me. She thinks of me as a friend.. nothing more, but she knows that I love her very much. I love her, but I can't encourage her to get divorce. also, I am not sure if she is really separated from her husband.

I feel like I am sneaking from work. (don't know this grammar makes sense)

I can't talk to her front of other co-workers, because she's married. I only text message her and she also text messages me back. She is working part-time and goes to school. She is very very busy. I asked her, but she never have time for me. on weekends, she's catching up her homeworks and study. I keep reading forums, but 90% people telling me to stop.

Do you guys think I should stop? She is so special to me, but we're only friends. I wish I have met her before she got married. I don't know if i can wait.. or if she's going to get divorced. I really don't know what to do.

[jj33]

Much as it hurts stop. Also the fact is she is not responding. Much as that hurts its important for you to protect yourself. Dont be the romantic hero and keep pursuing the girl. You work together. She is in the midst of a separation. She is working. She is in school. Let her be. You will meet someone else.

 

Take good care

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Applecaramel,

 

This is a dangerous relationship you may be forming, not just physical, but also mental and emotional. It is too easy for others to fall for that man or woman who is married because we see image we see the same things her husband sees. Or he or she has everything we are looking for in a lover/husband or wife. But really think about it, can you imagine your girlfriend or wife turning her affections to another man such as yourself? Would you want a man lusting after the love of your life? Especially if she is the mother of your children? It is so easy to let our thoughts lead us into actions, and sometimes it is not the most prettiest side to us.

 

Separated or not, she is STILL married and is not really in a place to make those emotional convictions, my brother suffered heartache from a woman who was separated and who eventually decided to go back to her husband. Now, if you wish to, still be her friend, only if you can keep your emotions and libido under. Let her marriage run its course. You can still keep up hope, but don't miss the chance to find a woman who IS available to you. There are BILLIONS out there, that is the most wonderful part, your not missing one.

 

 

DNR

[applecaramel]

Thank you for reading and replying.

If i was her husband, I would be really upset too.. I know what I am doing is wrong, but I can't stop thinking about her.

All i can do is.. wait for her decision. If she goes back to her husband, I have to let go of her. I don't know how long it will take.. I hope I can wait.. This is first time I ever loved someone who is married.

I think about what she likes and dislikes everyday. I wish I have chance to be with her. I know if it's not going to work between me and her, I should end my feeling now. I think it's easy to love someone, but it's so hard to forget someone you love. I will be her friend no matter what. She is great person.

[whichwayisup]

Read all stampdaddy's thread. Click on his username and find "all threads by stampdaddy." Reading all that he's gone through hopefully will put you off this MW and pursuing her.

 

IF she divorces, THEN date her, but until then, cut her out of your life. If you stay, you'll be hurt and very messed up.

[carhill]

OP, IMO, the right time to be her friend is when you can be her friend and not want more. Until then, your path is one of acceptance and resolution. Acceptance of her circumstances and your feelings and resolution to behave in a way which is healthy for you.

 

Short-term, an "affair" might be fun and exciting, but, long-term, can you really see this going anywhere? What kind of relationship do you want in your life right now?

[BentSpine]

If she acts as if she's available, she is. Because slavery has been abolished. So give up your guilt.

 

Men and women will always have someone lusting after them because lust is not a choice, it's not voluntary. So give up your guilt.

 

On the other hand. If she was clearly interested in you, she would find a few minutes within her busy schedule to communicate with you. If she made time for you, I would encourage you to court her but she doesn't. She doesn't seem to want you. And you want someone who wants you. If they really want you, they will take actions to be with you. When one doesn't want you, someone else will.

 

And you can't be her friend if you actually want more. If you cannot be happy for her when she talks about some dashing guy she met, you're not her friend. And that's alright.

[Owl]

Bentspine, please check a dictionary to clear up your confusion between "slavery" and "marriage".

[BentSpine]

Bentspine, please check a dictionary to clear up your confusion between "slavery" and "marriage".

In general I love going back to definitions.

 

But Owl, since you yourself don't elaborate anything on your own point of view, I'll take it it's because you actually cannot. Not even a single sentence. I think you, for a brief moment, feel superior when you give advice but don't give an explanation for your point of view.

 

I myself will now elaborate further:

The concept, that in my view, links slavery and marriage is being possessive. The belief that once married, they own the partner and can demand that the significant other act in a certain way.

 

EDIT:

OK Owl, I see now that you wrote more about your point of view on another thread.

[Owl]

Bent-

 

I'm QUITE capable of spelling out my side, thank you. I also didn't want to turn THIS thread into a discussion on slavery vs marriage...I'd suggest you start a new thread in which we can directly discuss your views.

 

I don't believe that a spouse "owns" another. I DO believe, however, that promises were exchanged...COMMITMENTS WERE MADE...that ARE "owed" BETWEEN the two.

 

If one partner suddenly decides to break that commitment, they owe it to their partner to break that marriage AGREEMENT (contract) openly and legally.

 

Marriage is ALSO a LEGAL agreement in many cases...its a contract signed in front of a JOP or similar.

 

Its not slavery by any means...but it IS a binding agreement between two parties.

 

Big difference.

 

Done with my TJ now. If you want to discuss this further, I'd be glad to join your thread on that topic.

[norajane]

I am 30 years old single man and never been married.

 

And you never will be married if you wait for a married woman to get divorced so you can theoretically find happiness with her. Your life is passing you by while you pine after someone who is married.

 

she never have time for me

 

And she never will because you are not her husband, and are not any part of her life except for part time when she sees you at work.

 

There are so many wonderful women out there. Why are you stuck on one who is married, 10 years younger, and not interested in you?

[applecaramel]

Thanks again for reading and replying.

I know this is kinda stupid. Loving a married woman is immoral.

I wanted to find a answer to my situation. I know it's wrong to love someone who is already married. I think she likes me as a friend and i should do the same. I should let it go before I become more emotional.. I want her so bad, but if that makes us both unhappy I will stop. If she becomes single, I will definitely ask her out. I never thought i would love someone who is married. I am not sure if i can forget her, but i will try...

[dannydrifter]

And you never will be married if you wait for a married woman to get divorced so you can theoretically find happiness with her. Your life is passing you by while you pine after someone who is married.

 

Oh really? How about all the guys on here whose wives walked out on them for another man? My own wife fell in love with some other guy before we even got separated! Now we're separated and she is planning to marry him. Don't tell me married women won't get divorced for another guy. If she is not happy with her marriage or she is a cheating unfaithful person, she will leave. Just read the threads from Maladjusted or SingleDad, to name just a couple.

 

OP - I am not telling you this to encourage you to have a relationship with her. You should definitely not. Think about her husband, think about people like me and the many others on here who lost their wives/marriages to the pressure and confusion which OM would introduce. Be an honorable and real man, and find a woman who is not married. This is where you should be putting your energy. Not on married women.

[tyler123]

I just posted my story of a 2yr affair with a married woman with kids. I wish i never acted on my thoughts because it has ended with pain and confusion and predictability. I wanted to believe that my situation would be different that Love would conqueer a disfunctional family and we were soul mates and prove everybody wrong. But truth be told I wasted 2yrs of my life where I could have been forming relationships or working on myself to have a healthy relationship in the future. Now i am one month removed and on my way to my first therapy appt.

 

Please read my story and feel free to contact me-it would be great to help another person as writing this too you makes my situation easier to recover from

[dannydrifter]

I wanted to believe that my situation would be different that Love would conqueer a disfunctional family and we were soul mates and prove everybody wrong.

 

Hmm. I guess you just assumed her husband didn't have any love for her, or that your love was better? You got what you deserved, sorry to be cold.

[pkn06002]

Hmm. I guess you just assumed her husband didn't have any love for her, or that your love was better? You got what you deserved, sorry to be cold.

 

Sorry but if her husbands love was so good why did she step out? If her husband loved her or not does not matter she was not happy with him and looked for someone else. An affair is a symptom that something is wrong and to not recognize that is stupid. Because people go wayward way before they ever start an affair. There is something their spouse is NOT taking care of that is making them unhappy to the point where they will cheat.

[dannydrifter]

Sorry but if her husbands love was so good why did she step out? If her husband loved her or not does not matter she was not happy with him and looked for someone else. An affair is a symptom that something is wrong and to not recognize that is stupid. Because people go wayward way before they ever start an affair. There is something their spouse is NOT taking care of that is making them unhappy to the point where they will cheat.

 

Why she appeared unhappy or she did "step out" is none of your or anybody's concern other than her and her husband. The points you make are good, with the exception of trying to legitimize getting involved with a married woman.

[carhill]

There is something their spouse is NOT taking care of that is making them unhappy to the point where they will cheat.

 

Other than in the case of a serial cheater, I would agree, regarding motive/impetus. Regardless, the action is still a choice and one the spouse who chooses to be unfaithful must resolve within themselves. They own that choice. No one else is responsible.

[pkn06002]

Why she appeared unhappy or she did "step out" is none of your or anybody's concern other than her and her husband. The points you make are good, with the exception of trying to legitimize getting involved with a married woman.

 

Sorry the spouse the steps out is the one that is making the decision, the person they hook up with is just the benefactor.

 

Seems most BS you hear on sites give the "I did not know they were not happy" speech, so someone is not paying attention. Which then makes it someone's business once the wayward spouse decides to take action.

 

Your making it sound like OP are looking to steal something from a BS. A OW/OM does not have to steal anything it is freely GIVEN to them.

 

Legitimizing being involved with at married woman? Humm maybe. I have been the benefactor twice(once when I was single and another while I am married). If the MW were happy guess what they would not of strayed let alone hit on me.

 

Moral of the story is that happy people don't stray, no matter what the temptations are. If spouses worked to make sure their partner was happy there would be NO NEED for a site like this, since no one would be cheating.

 

See this is where I will say that to save marriage the government needs to make it HARDER for people to get married. People should be FORCE to do counseling etc... to determine if they will stay married. Since things like alienation of affection laws don't work.

[Owl]

I would agree that the fact that someone is stepping out is an indicator that something is wrong...

 

...but that doesn't absolutely mean that the something wrong is in the marriage. Or a problem with the BS.

 

That "something wrong" is often something wrong...with the wayward spouse THEMSELVES.

 

I've given my example over and over on these boards.

 

What was wrong in my marriage, what led to my wife's choice to have an emotional affair...was all what was wrong...WITH HER.

 

Untreated depression (that I tried every way I could think of to get her to see our doctor and get treated), online gaming addiction (that again, I did all that I could think of to break), and poor boundaries (that she refused to recognize as an issue) all led to her choice to emotionally get involved with someone else.

 

It wasn't UNTIL she hit rock bottom (AFTER d-day) that there was anything I could do to assist her in dealing with any of this.

 

 

 

YOU feel that BS's try to avoid accepting responsibility for the state of their marriage. Sometimes, you're right. I feel just as strongly that the choice to cheat resides SOLELY with the one to cheat...period. The "what is wrong" is the mindset and mentality of the cheater...first and foremost.

[pkn06002]

YOU feel that BS's try to avoid accepting responsibility for the state of their marriage. Sometimes, you're right. I feel just as strongly that the choice to cheat resides SOLELY with the one to cheat...period. The "what is wrong" is the mindset and mentality of the cheater...first and foremost.

 

Again you and I are going to have to disagree, sort of.

 

I don't place total blame on the BS for the failing of the marriage relationship. But you do read over and over how BS seem to think they made NO mistakes. I will contend that if the marriage was good there is no wayward thinking in the relationship. Most BS's need to own up to their failings in the marriage, but they don't because they have someone to blame.

 

Your right the choice to cheat comes from inside the wayward. But outside of the serial cheater it takes most people a LOT to get to that decision point. It does take something to trigger the wayward way of thinking to even contemplate the idea of an affair. I know in my case I was thinking that way for MONTHS before I meet my OP. Sorry but the "what is wrong" was not my mindset or mentality it was/is my marriage and failings in that relationship. Caused by both myself and my spouse.

 

My main beef is the fact that dannydriffer wants to say that tyler123 got what he deserved for messing with a married woman. He seems to support the idea that people can be lazy about their marriage and rely on the vows and promises to keep them safe.

[dannydrifter]

Legitimizing being involved with at married woman? Humm maybe. I have been the benefactor twice(once when I was single and another while I am married). If the MW were happy guess what they would not of strayed let alone hit on me.

 

No wonder you have a twisted sense of morals. You can say whatever you want to pretty it up, but the fact you mess around with married women, even cheating on your own wife to do so, makes you a grade A scum bag IMO. Sorry I just call it like I see it. Let's see how you feel one day when your wife f* around on you with another man. And it will happen, because what goes around comes around.

[pkn06002]

No wonder you have a twisted sense of morals. You can say whatever you want to pretty it up, but the fact you mess around with married women, even cheating on your own wife to do so, makes you a grade A scum bag IMO. Sorry I just call it like I see it. Let's see how you feel one day when your wife f* around on you with another man. And it will happen, because what goes around comes around.

 

If she does I have NO ONE to blame but myself. I don't rely on society, vows or promises to keep her. I maybe a grade A scum bag but at least I am not lazy about keeping my spouse happy. At least until I told her about my affair.

 

I am coming to the conclusion my morals are more practical and real world then the magic world most people seem to want to live in. Like it or not the world is a "what have you done for me lately" model and marriage is not exempt from that concept.

[taylor]

I would agree that the fact that someone is stepping out is an indicator that something is wrong...

 

...but that doesn't absolutely mean that the something wrong is in the marriage. Or a problem with the BS.

 

That "something wrong" is often something wrong...with the wayward spouse THEMSELVES.

 

I've given my example over and over on these boards.

 

What was wrong in my marriage, what led to my wife's choice to have an emotional affair...was all what was wrong...WITH HER.

 

Untreated depression (that I tried every way I could think of to get her to see our doctor and get treated), online gaming addiction (that again, I did all that I could think of to break), and poor boundaries (that she refused to recognize as an issue) all led to her choice to emotionally get involved with someone else.

 

It wasn't UNTIL she hit rock bottom (AFTER d-day) that there was anything I could do to assist her in dealing with any of this.

 

 

 

YOU feel that BS's try to avoid accepting responsibility for the state of their marriage. Sometimes, you're right. I feel just as strongly that the choice to cheat resides SOLELY with the one to cheat...period. The "what is wrong" is the mindset and mentality of the cheater...first and foremost.

 

I agree with you here, Owl, at least to a point.

 

Certainly in my case, it was self-esteem issues within me that drove me into an emotional affair with a coworker.

 

But long-term problems in the marriage exacerbated the situation, pushing me closer to the brink.

 

The day I decided to open my heart to the OM (yes, it was a conscious decision to stop fighting the feeling) was the day two very contrasting comments were made to me:

 

OM: I am so glad I have you in my life. I never met anyone like you. No one understands me like you do. I love spending time with you. I can't stop smiling when I am with you.

 

My husband: You disgust me. If you're so unhappy why don't you go find a life or take a pill or something. I can't stand being around you.

 

I think it's hard to put a "blanket" reason on why people enter affairs. Surely there are those, like me, who feel something is missing internally and seek to fill that void wherever they can, albeit outside the marriage. But there are also those who endure years of abuse - physical, mental, emotional - who turn to others to find what doesn't exist in the framework of their marriage.

 

I have a good friend whose husband has been an alcoholic for over 20 years. He has lost numerous jobs because of it and they recently lost their home. Their teenage children taxi their father home from the bars on a frequent basis. If he isn't working, he's in the basement drinking or sleeping off the hangovers. He doesn't think he has a problem.

 

My friend puts on a brave face and tries to run her household with as much normalcy as she can. She has told me on numerous occassions she would like to divorce but she is afraid of what would become of her husband if she left. She practically has to spoon feed him to eat and if it wasn't for her, he'd never get up and out the door for work every day. She covers for him and makes excuses for him. But she knows he will never change.

 

She told me she has been lonely and neglected for years. She said she feels more like a mother caring for a child, than a wife.

 

My friend hasn't cheated but she yearns for a partner that would be a husband to her in every sense of the word.

 

If she did cheat, I would say this would be a case where THE MARRIAGE played a for more contributory role than did internal issues within the WS.

[jwi71]

pk-

How on Earth can you say you weren't lazy to keeping your W happy while having an A? You were and maybe still are willing to divorce her for the OW. How on Earth is that not lazy?

 

Not being lazy, to me, would entail putting all that time, energy and expense into your M and your W - not the OW.

 

I will agree that many BS blame the WS 100%. I did until it dawned on me that I did in fact share the blame. That's hard for a BS to swallow. And I think critical to shaking the "victim" mentality and letting healing begin. Of course, the convers is also true...with cheaters blaming the faithful spouse and assuming some twisted "victim" mentality of their own.