Boyfriend would rather live with his immature friends than me...

[XNemesisX]

I really could use some serious insight and help from objective third parties. Here is what's going on...

 

I'm in a very unfortunate living situation where one of my roommates bailed out on my other roommate and I. To make a long story short, my other roommate and I are having to move out after only 3 months. It's obviously not what I thought would happen so soon. I was expecting to live here for the whole year at least and not have to deal with the stress of moving out so soon.

 

My boyfriend and I live in seperate towns about an hour apart. The stress of this is bad enough as it is but feeling like I have to beg for attention because he is so stuck up his friends butts adds insult to injury. I was actually willing to move to his town, but can't afford a place by myself. I asked a few other people that I knew and no one was able to. I finally asked him if he would want to and he did not. Without a roommate, I will be forced to move back in with my parents and I don't want to have to do that. We are already seeing each other every weekend and usually one day during the week. Usually he comes to my residence because I HATE staying at his apartment.

 

It's disgusting with no privacy. He shares a small apartment with two other guys and they live like pigs. The bathroom doesn't lock and has a huge hole in the door. The shower hasn't been cleaned for probably 2 years at least and the toilet is black from not being cleaned. The apartment is a hell hole with empty pizza boxes and beer cans and pot paraphernalia laying around everywhere. People come in and out and I have no privacy with him at all there. Which is why I have pretty much stopped staying there altogether. Now that I may not have a place of my own, I would be forced to visit at HIS apartment which I can't stand.

 

Things would have remained the same if we got a place together in his town with regard to how many times a week we were seeing each other. He would have the place pretty much to himself. He acts scared of "living together" although I would only be there maybe once a week and on weekends. (Same amount of time that we have been seeing each other only without people in our faces all the time). I just wanted a place to put my things and a way to see him without feeling uncomfortable. The rest of the week I would stay at my parents house to be closer to work during the work week.

 

Am I unreasonable to think he should do this or...WANT to do this?? He acts like he has to be stuck up his buddies a**es 24/7 and can't be away from them. Every time I'm even on the phone with him there is some idiot in the background. I'm afraid that if I have to be staying up there every weekend we will end up breaking up because I will get fed up. I just think the older you get the more you can't take people being in your face all the time, especially when you are supposedly in a serious adult relationship. I'm getting worried that I am wasting my time.

 

I was asking him this out of desperation with my living situation and hoping that our relationship could work or be improved by this. I really see no other way it could. He is pushing me to get an apartment by myself up there but who does that really benefit? I would be broke and he would be staying over there every night I'm there anyway. Why does he want to stay with those guys like he is still some 18 year old college frat rat. Is he just immature with Peter Pan Syndrome or was I really expecting too much? He is out of college, almost 24 and has a "real job" yet look at how he obviously would rather live. I am a 25 year old professional with a graduate degree. I just expected a bit more maturity than this. Maybe I am looking for something more serious than he is.

 

Note: We have been dating 5 months and have known each other almost 3 years.

 

Thanks in advance for all replies. I really appreciate it.

[Geishawhelk]

Just think three years ahead, and, considering the way he's living now, the lifestyle, the company, the attitude..... see whether you can still picture yourself with him then.

If there's any doubt at all in your mind, over that - any distaste, any "oh my goodness, you have to be kidding!" - even a glimmer......

Then ask yourself the obvious.....

 

if not then, why now?

[mental_traveller]

It does sound like you have a big difference in outlook on life - call it maturity vs immaturity maybe. I think you should have a serious think about this guy, do you see yourself being with him for the long-term? If not, then maybe it's time to reassess the relationship.

[Citizen Erased]

Would you really want to live with someone that lives in such a way?

[XNemesisX]

Thanks for the replies!

 

I'm still wondering though if you all think he should have wanted to get the place with me given my circumstances and if this is cause for me to possibly even end the relationship?

 

His nasty living conditions aside...what do you think of him not wanting to get a place with me and me just come up and stay in the pig sty or get my own apartment and go broke while he stays there every night I'm up there anyway??

 

I mean was my request unreasonable at all? If he truly cared about me would he have not wanted to do this?

[Walk]

You stated that your bf drives to see you the majority of the time (when you still had your apartment). Now you are asking him to make another sacrifice and move everything he owns to accomadate your wishes. You're asking him to completely disrupt his life because of your problem. You also stated the reason he drives to see you is because you can't stand his apartment.

 

what do you think of him not wanting to get a place with me and me just come up and stay in the pig sty or get my own apartment and go broke

 

It's not your bf's fault that you would have to get your own apartment and go broke. It's your fault. Don't shift the blame for your circumstances onto him. It'd be different if he stole your money and burned down your apartment... but doesn't sound like that was the case. Sounded more like he put more time and money into driving out to see you then you did for him. It was on your shoulders to find an apartment you could afford. It was your responsibility to ensure that your roomies were dependable. Your bf isn't responsible for your situation. Just because he loves you doesn't mean he has to drop everything to bail you out of it. You two have been dating for 5 months, and you are expecting him to change a hell of a lot of his life in order to make you happy and comfortable... to fix a situation that you put yourself in.

 

What did your bf do to get such scorn from you? He has an apartment that he's been able to keep. It might not be the greatest place in the world to live in, but it's a roof over his head, he's got his own space, and he's not completely broke. Yet you act as though he's the biggest jerk in the world because he won't give you what you want... which is what he has but cleaner. You're basically telling him he's an ass for having what you don't (an apartment) and then expressing (either verbally or nonverbally) that what he has is disgusting, nasty, juvenile and pathetic. Honestly, try to see this from a third person view... would you be gung-ho about having a guy move in with you who lost his apartment, found your living conditions disgusting, hated your friends, found your lifestyle juvenile? Would you really jump to make that guy a priority in your life?

 

I mean was my request unreasonable at all? If he truly cared about me would he have not wanted to do this?

I think your request is unreasonable. And I think he may be questioning your motivation for the request.

 

 

Last thought... is there a possibility that you could get the roommate who is moving to pay her portion of the rent til the lease is up? Civil court order possibly to force her? Is it possible for you to find another roommate? Maybe take out an ad in the local paper? Can you discuss your problems with your landlord and see if he/she can offer some help (i.e. help in finding another roommate, or temporary decrease in rent, or accept lower rent now with increase later). Depending on where you live, the rental sector isn't going very well lately and it's hard to find good tenants. He may be willing to work with you as long as he's getting some money out of it... versus no money and no tenents. Also, there are some agencies that will give temporary assistence to people to help pay for rent if they can't.

[allina]

You sound like a smart woman who has her sh*t together, and your bf seems to be the opposite. Are you sure that it wouldn't be better to cut your losses after just 5 months and find a more suitable man?

 

It almost seems like he likes living like a frat boy while being able to escape to your clean place whenever he wants.

 

Of course, this is all based off of this one post, for all I know he possesses countless wonderful traits. But based on this thread, I would really rethink things, it sounds like you can do better.

[XNemesisX]

The roommate situation completely fell through...without going in depth about that, I will say that once again to my horror I am back at my parents house. And it didn't have to be this way. My boyfriend who claims to love me so much, just didn't want to get a place with me - and he never changed his mind about that although he would go back and forth there for a period of time. Even though I found it would be the practical thing to do it didn't matter to him. Even though I was willing to get a place in the town he lives in and commute a long distance to work, it didn't matter to him.

 

no...

 

He would rather live with his "buddies." He is about to sign a new lease with them so this won't be a temporary thing either. So basically I have absolutely no hope of getting a place with him any time soon. It would be really nice to be able to have some privacy with him, and to have all of my things in one location.

 

I'm afraid there are some I don't wanna grow up/frat house for life warning signs.

 

He is very angry with me right now because I'm not at the "frat house" this weekend. I just did not want to go. Instead, I'm sitting here at home doing this. I think I'm losing my motivation to continue on with this relationship because of his lack of commitment to me. He is acting infuriated that I'm not up there even though I made it clear to him that if I had to officially move back in with my parents I would not be staying at the place he has with his buddies every single weekend. Now he acts like he is offended when I'm sticking to what I said.

 

Should I end things with him? Privacy is so important to me and I will never have private, alone time with him in that living environment that he is so against changing.

 

He doesn't know this but one of his good friends told me that he is intimidated by his two roommates and was all about getting a place with me until they told him not to. He even told me himself that his roommates are jealous of me!

 

Am I wasting my time by being in this relationship? I have to drive a long distance to stay with him and I just hate not being able to have any one on one time with him because of all the friends that are always around. I want a guy that wants to commit

 

Honestly, this has left me feeling very heartbroken.

[betterthandead]

Both of you have different values, dump him.