Back together after a break, but it feels weird

[jibajuice]

Hi all,

 

As the title suggests, my girlfriend and I are back together after a break of about a one month and a half. That's the gist of the situation, but you can find my full story in this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1872953.

 

If you don't want to read through that, the short story is that we have been together for 8 months; first 7 have been together, the last month was LD after we had to go to separate medical schools, and the following month and a half was a break. She initiated the break, and then about a week ago she calls me and tells me she wants to get back together, even though she said that she initially wanted the break to last until December so she can get a chance to sort things out in her life. The break was pretty emotional for me because I prepared myself for the worst and was ready to lose her instead of seeing the break as just a break.

 

This came out of nowhere, and obviously I was very happy that she wanted to get back together. But so far, things have been kinda of weird between us in the sense that we seem a bit detached from each other and can't make conversation as we easily as we used to. Also, she says it feels weird to her to say "I love you" again right now, and that she'll need some time to get back to that point. I still say I love you, and I'm trying my hardest to get back into our groove, but when she talks to me she just seems out of it and not herself. She's also having a lot of stress from medical school and her family, so I don't know. I guess I'm expecting too much if I think that by simply applying the "relationship" label to us instead of "on a break" that we can pick up where we left off and be happy from the get-go, but it worries me a little bit.

 

So my question is, is it normal to have this kind of a awkward period right after a 2nd chance reunion? During the break, we still talked every so often with the usual "hey how are you doing" type of chats. But now that we're official agian, we're still trying to get past those conversations. It's gotten better now since it's been a week, and I'm hoping that sooner or later we'll return to where we used to be. We also haven't seen each other since our reunion, and I plan to visit her in 2 weeks, so I'm hoping that actually being together will also reignite the spark. Otherwise if nothing happens after then, then maybe something else is wrong between us, or too much damage has been done from the break, and we might just have to end things. I used to be so certain that we were perfect for each other, but now I'm not so sure anymore and I'm full of doubts.

 

Any thoughts on this?

[Jay34]

i am going through the same exact thing, we had a break for a few weeks we had a bit more of a falling out, i immediately went no contact while she wanted to be friends, within a week she wanted it again but i made her wait awhile, the problem is i never really got over her and jumped in too soon, but i don't know if the weird feelings go away yet, i have been talking to her for a month and it still feels awkward at times, i don't know when to be affectionate when not to be, sometimes she reciprocates sometimes no, seeing her will help the spark but only momentarily, i felt a huge spark but even after that spark don't give in too easy, make her do some work, she initiated the break. i just hope this isn't a cycle of going down again. honestly i don't know if its ever the same man, it might be though and referring back to the parents issue, dude i have no clue about this one, im going through the same.

[InLimbo2]

2nd chances don't work unless you resolve the issue(s) that lead to the end/separation of the first relationship.

 

did she date anyone else during the break? she might have, not told you, and it's weighing on her mind

 

maybe she regrets asking for a reconciliation? maybe she was lonely and sad and at a weak moment and longed for what was 'comfortable' and a known thing?

 

it's tough to reconnect and have the stability after a break. first time around yer all in love and feel secure and stable - and then you get a curveball like this - and you have to come face to face with the possibility it could happen again - hard to overcome that. I know she asked for the break - for her it might be the realization that she could again sometime want another break - that's the flip side of the coin from you.

 

 

 

 

 

Hi all,

 

As the title suggests, my girlfriend and I are back together after a break of about a one month and a half. That's the gist of the situation, but you can find my full story in this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1872953.

 

If you don't want to read through that, the short story is that we have been together for 8 months; first 7 have been together, the last month was LD after we had to go to separate medical schools, and the following month and a half was a break. She initiated the break, and then about a week ago she calls me and tells me she wants to get back together, even though she said that she initially wanted the break to last until December so she can get a chance to sort things out in her life. The break was pretty emotional for me because I prepared myself for the worst and was ready to lose her instead of seeing the break as just a break.

 

This came out of nowhere, and obviously I was very happy that she wanted to get back together. But so far, things have been kinda of weird between us in the sense that we seem a bit detached from each other and can't make conversation as we easily as we used to. Also, she says it feels weird to her to say "I love you" again right now, and that she'll need some time to get back to that point. I still say I love you, and I'm trying my hardest to get back into our groove, but when she talks to me she just seems out of it and not herself. She's also having a lot of stress from medical school and her family, so I don't know. I guess I'm expecting too much if I think that by simply applying the "relationship" label to us instead of "on a break" that we can pick up where we left off and be happy from the get-go, but it worries me a little bit.

 

So my question is, is it normal to have this kind of a awkward period right after a 2nd chance reunion? During the break, we still talked every so often with the usual "hey how are you doing" type of chats. But now that we're official agian, we're still trying to get past those conversations. It's gotten better now since it's been a week, and I'm hoping that sooner or later we'll return to where we used to be. We also haven't seen each other since our reunion, and I plan to visit her in 2 weeks, so I'm hoping that actually being together will also reignite the spark. Otherwise if nothing happens after then, then maybe something else is wrong between us, or too much damage has been done from the break, and we might just have to end things. I used to be so certain that we were perfect for each other, but now I'm not so sure anymore and I'm full of doubts.

 

Any thoughts on this?

[jibajuice]

2nd chances don't work unless you resolve the issue(s) that lead to the end/separation of the first relationship.

 

did she date anyone else during the break? she might have, not told you, and it's weighing on her mind

 

maybe she regrets asking for a reconciliation? maybe she was lonely and sad and at a weak moment and longed for what was 'comfortable' and a known thing?

 

it's tough to reconnect and have the stability after a break. first time around yer all in love and feel secure and stable - and then you get a curveball like this - and you have to come face to face with the possibility it could happen again - hard to overcome that. I know she asked for the break - for her it might be the realization that she could again sometime want another break - that's the flip side of the coin from you.

 

 

I think what set in motion the initial break is the fact that I'm Chinese and she's Indian, her parents are very conservative and likely won't make this relationship easy for us (her parents don't know about us yet), we're both relatively young (22 and 21), and we've been dating for a relatively short period of time before the break (only 8 months). When I first visited her after long distance started, when she first saw me, she felt an overwhelming feeling of strangeness, like she was seeing somebody she didn't really know, and she put it as "wow, I can't believe you're my boyfriend." Basically she said it almost like seeing a stranger. I thought these were just first-encounter jitters or something because this was both of our LDRs and we didn't know what to expect, but I guess it was enough for her to have a good share of doubts and initiate a break.

 

I really don't think she's been dating anyone without telling me; she's been very honest about everything through this break, and I completely trust her. She's been getting that "stranger feeling" every so often when we were together, and I think it ultimately stems from the fact that I'm Chinese. From what she tells me, her parents are extremely traditional and have drilled into her the notion that she is meant to be with an Indian man and that she will preserve the Indian culture through her generation. She says she sees me as the perfect boyfriend, and I guess she's battling major internal conflicts between me and her family which could be creating her sense of doubt.

 

That we only had 7 months together before going LD is really not enough because especially since we're so young, I think we need more time together for her to be more "sure" of me, to be willing to go through 4+ years of LD and battle her parents on top of that for who knows how long. My parents are more liberal with race, so I feel like she's the perfect girl for me, and I think she feels the same way about me too, except for the race issue.

 

InLimbo, you're right about resolving the initial conflict, which I think is her sense of doubt. Once I visit her again in 2 weeks and we each other face to face, I'll see how she reacts to me and whether or not she feels like I'm still a stranger because I feel that not much has changed between us except that we now have a label of a relationship instead of on break. I still have to confront that one force that drove us apart in the first place, that "stranger feeling", and until I visit her, I don't think we can really move forward. She says she gets this feeling only when she SEES me and not when we're apart talking on the phone or anything, so it leads me to believe the underlying issue is racial and hopefully nothing deeper than that. She said that she wants to give us a legit shot at being together, not to think too much about her parents and the future and mostly just live in the present, and if we ever reach the point where she's ready to commit to me no matter what her parents say, then that'd be awesome. So I guess our plan is to take it slow and go with the flow. I'm hoping that we can still grow to that point despite the distance.

[InLimbo2]

You know, you may be taking this all entirely too far - thinking too much.

 

My SO and I are sort of a LDR - we're only 90 miles apart though - see each other 2x/month, sometimes 3 - trips and vacations etc. There have been times when we've been apart longer - 5-6 weeks - because he was TDY or something. We talk on phone, online chat, email, etc all the time. But after those longer breaks - when we'd get back together - I was very glad to see him - but I needed some time to 'reconnect' with him. He doesn't. It was a bit disturbing to him at first - but once I recognized it for what it is - he gives me a little bit of time to reconnect/warm up to him again and then it's like we've never been apart.

 

 

I think what set in motion the initial break is the fact that I'm Chinese and she's Indian, her parents are very conservative and likely won't make this relationship easy for us (her parents don't know about us yet), we're both relatively young (22 and 21), and we've been dating for a relatively short period of time before the break (only 8 months). When I first visited her after long distance started, when she first saw me, she felt an overwhelming feeling of strangeness, like she was seeing somebody she didn't really know, and she put it as "wow, I can't believe you're my boyfriend." Basically she said it almost like seeing a stranger. I thought these were just first-encounter jitters or something because this was both of our LDRs and we didn't know what to expect, but I guess it was enough for her to have a good share of doubts and initiate a break.

 

I really don't think she's been dating anyone without telling me; she's been very honest about everything through this break, and I completely trust her. She's been getting that "stranger feeling" every so often when we were together, and I think it ultimately stems from the fact that I'm Chinese. From what she tells me, her parents are extremely traditional and have drilled into her the notion that she is meant to be with an Indian man and that she will preserve the Indian culture through her generation. She says she sees me as the perfect boyfriend, and I guess she's battling major internal conflicts between me and her family which could be creating her sense of doubt.

 

That we only had 7 months together before going LD is really not enough because especially since we're so young, I think we need more time together for her to be more "sure" of me, to be willing to go through 4+ years of LD and battle her parents on top of that for who knows how long. My parents are more liberal with race, so I feel like she's the perfect girl for me, and I think she feels the same way about me too, except for the race issue.

 

InLimbo, you're right about resolving the initial conflict, which I think is her sense of doubt. Once I visit her again in 2 weeks and we each other face to face, I'll see how she reacts to me and whether or not she feels like I'm still a stranger because I feel that not much has changed between us except that we now have a label of a relationship instead of on break. I still have to confront that one force that drove us apart in the first place, that "stranger feeling", and until I visit her, I don't think we can really move forward. She says she gets this feeling only when she SEES me and not when we're apart talking on the phone or anything, so it leads me to believe the underlying issue is racial and hopefully nothing deeper than that. She said that she wants to give us a legit shot at being together, not to think too much about her parents and the future and mostly just live in the present, and if we ever reach the point where she's ready to commit to me no matter what her parents say, then that'd be awesome. So I guess our plan is to take it slow and go with the flow. I'm hoping that we can still grow to that point despite the distance.

[jibajuice]

You know, you may be taking this all entirely too far - thinking too much.

 

My SO and I are sort of a LDR - we're only 90 miles apart though - see each other 2x/month, sometimes 3 - trips and vacations etc. There have been times when we've been apart longer - 5-6 weeks - because he was TDY or something. We talk on phone, online chat, email, etc all the time. But after those longer breaks - when we'd get back together - I was very glad to see him - but I needed some time to 'reconnect' with him. He doesn't. It was a bit disturbing to him at first - but once I recognized it for what it is - he gives me a little bit of time to reconnect/warm up to him again and then it's like we've never been apart.

 

I think I do overthink this, it's been on my mind quite a lot. I can relate to the initial feeling of disconnect. I really enjoyed seeing her, but it was a little bit awkward and I got over it, but she panicked and pushed me away. I guess she's just young and expects things to be perfect is what it may boil all down to. She brought up the break within an hour of seeing me, but a little while later, she said she didn't feel weird around me anymore and that everything seemed back to normal. But by that time I was still pretty upset and we went ahead with the break because she still wanted it and I was still shaken. But I don't know, I'll see how things go when I visit again.