UGH! In-Laws! It's none of their damn business!

[SudieJD]

Ugh! I swore that if and when I married again, I'd marry a man with NO LIVING PARENTS! But, I did and I'm really beginning to wonder why I didn't stick with my convection.

 

Before we moved to MN we lived in West MI...so did hubbies family. After we married, his mother and step-father would stop by our home, unannounced, and do nothing but put us down. "Why are'nt you making more money? Sudie, when are you going to get a job? blah, blah, blah! At the time I was making more money than hubby in my own computer business and didn't need an "outside" job. I thought to myself, "It's none of their damn business!", but I didn't say anything. They never had anything good to say, to either of us. We sure didn't miss them when we moved. No love lost on my part. They even called hubby's ex-wife to tell her we were leaving MI, which promted her to call me and tell me all the problems they had in their marriage (she was 15 years older then hubby, and the mother in law and she were very close). I guess she thought that would keep us in MI.

 

A few weeks ago, the step-father died of heart problems. OK, I thought, that's too bad. I didn't like him, and had terrible memories of the way he treated us. But hubby had to run back to MI and take a week off the road to do it! Which meant that he wouldn't be able to come home for at least 4 weeks! I would have to stay home to take care of our dogs. Staying home was OK with me, I didn't want to be around his mother at all or his sisters (who, by the way treated me like dirt). ML also treated the dead husband terribly in front of other people. Not letting his children or his grand children from a previous marriage visit

 

Hubby made a big deal out of it, like he'd finally gone home. Made me very angry! I reminded him of how these people treated us and reminded him of what he had told me before, that his family had never been close. I brought up the fact that he never recieved a birthday card, Chistmas card or even a phone call from these creeps and asked him what the big deal was now. I also reminded him that I did not care for his family at all....for many reasons including the way they took off with all the food from our wedding, even before the wedding was over! And, they hadn't contributed anything to the wedding, my sisters had done all of the cooking and decorating! They never even offered to help.

 

I sent flowers and a card. Today hubby got a "Thank You" note and that he shouldn't stay away so long! My name wasn't even mentioned in the note! UGH!!!! This isn't the first time this has happened. In the beginning of our marriage, she would send cards addressed only to hubby. This included Christmas cards.

 

HELP ME settle down! I'm still so angry I have to bite my tongue not to say any thing more about it to hubby.

 

SudieJD

[moimeme]

Well, you could spend the rest of your life being hostile to them and fostering dislike between your husband and his family or you could hope that everyone's mellowing with time and do your best to forget the past and work toward a better future for you all.

 

Some families do resolve fights and learn to get along, after all. Family is important and if you can manage to put the problems of the past behind you, you all might just be happier in the future. Grudges just eat you up; they don't hurt the people you hold them for.

[SudieJD]

Originally posted by moimeme

Well, you could spend the rest of your life being hostile to them and fostering dislike between your husband and his family or you could hope that everyone's mellowing with time and do your best to forget the past and work toward a better future for you all.

 

Some families do resolve fights and learn to get along, after all. Family is important and if you can manage to put the problems of the past behind you, you all might just be happier in the future. Grudges just eat you up; they don't hurt the people you hold them for.

 

Sorry, that's not a solution. We're not kids, we're both in our 50's and after an abusive childhood, I sore that I wouldn't put up with anyone treating me this way, not even my father. So if I wouldn't put up with it from my dad, why in the world would I put up with it from these jerks?

 

My hubby and I get along with my family. In fact, he's often said he feels closer to my sisters than he does to his own. He also comes from an abusive home (his father). I can't look kindly on anyone who would let a man beat his own children, so I don't look kindly on the ML. Her ploy is obvious, she wants her son back in MI. And she's doing her best to get him there.

 

We've been doing just fine without his family, and I'm sure after this episode, they'll leave us alone agian. I just hope its soon!

 

SudieJD

[class]

Tragedy does strange things to people. My grandmother raised me and we never saw eye to eye, but after she passed, i was a walking wound for seveal years with millions of regrets. It is true that they did all those terrible things but that doesn't negate that ultimate sense that they were connected and even for a brief moment expressed some sentiment of love for one another. You really should not direct your anger towards him, especially when so much is going on psychologically. BUT at the same time it doesn't mean you shouldn't feel anger. I swore to the same thing about the way people would treat me given my background, but I think that you should acknoledge your background of violence and anger. You are expressing anger on a higher level than most mainstream people. One of the things that doesn't help is to ignore the problem. One of the things that helped me was hearing a rationale about refusing to be miserable. What you are experiencing is sense of entitlement. You demand that people should be a certain way. Even if it is completely reasonable for you to feel they are acting poorly, to emotionally & mentally DEMAND it is a product of your turbulent upbringing and only forces you to be more furious and outraged by their actions. I'm not saying this to piss you off. On the contrary, I have had identical feelings about analogous situations. It was like a smack in the face realizing that all my life I had been taught to feel so controlling over things that aren't in my control. Be there for your husband and get the book "How to stubbornly refuse to be miserable about anything" It was like a weight lifted realizing what I was doing to myself. Your thoughts and feelings won't dissappear but at least it will help gain some insight in why you do what you do, and that's better than nothing. Abusive childhoods can do a number on you. Don't let it be the reason that changes you to exist miserably. Please support him ( I know you probably done everything for him), but reminding him makes things worse and drives a wedge in your marriage. Don't let the external factors get in the way of your marriage (as they often do-sadly enough), because I have not heard a single negative statement about your husband outside of his unstable actions post-tramatic news (which is reasonable given the circumstances). Women bare the brunt of alot of emotional maintanence. It's sad but true. It's gonna be up to you. Don't hand over your life to people and let them control your emotions like that. They don't deserve that right. You have that right. Remember I don't say this because it's easy. It's still a struggle, and hearing how I should just stop feeling a certain way or the value of family didn't quite help me. Maybe you are only in a space to vent and this helped a little. But it will come back. You have a choice to make. Good luck. I really do hear you...

[SudieJD]

After going through 2 years of therapy, if there was one thing that I learned from my doctor was....YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT!!!! When someone comes along that tries to take away your self-confidence and to belittle you, you don't sit back and let them.

 

My hubby and I stay away from his relatives for a good reason. He had no problems with it and in fact, when I tried to nurture a relationship with them, he said that he wished I wouldn't. I can understand why. Now that they have my new email addy, instead of sending friendly emails, they now send emails asking for money. Money is the only reason that his sisters have ever contacted us or even came to see us about when we lived near them. In fact, when my hubby had cancer surgery, they didn't come to see him, never even sent him a get well card

 

Thanks for all of the input....but you don't cower down to bullies...no matter who they are.

 

Sudie

[sumdude]

Who said you should cower? The fact that they're getting to you and ruining you're mood shows that in some small way they still have some control. Ignore them the best way you can, releive yourself of feeling anything. The old stick n' stones etc. You seem to be responding vengefully, just let it go or it'll eat you up. The price you'll pay in maintaining anger, your nerves, struggle with spouse really.. are they worth it? They want to get to you, why else would they do it?