Don't know what to make of 6 years of I love You's

[ChrissyR]

I have had a best friend for over 6 years now. We actually ended up FWB's because he was still in love with his ex and I was still in love with my ex.

 

A short background...

 

Of course it became complicated as he began treating me like his girlfriend always wanting to know what I was doing and who I with. We spent so much time together it became very bizarre and he would always introduce me as his girlfriend to everyone. He of course would always say it was only because he didn't want anyone trying to go out of me or hit on me. Yeahhhh right...

 

After 3 years of a weird odd pseudo relationship I met someone and immediately told him. It didn't go over well and he actually was very angry and we stopped talking. Occasionally, over the next two years he would still call me until I let him know I was engaged. He didn't contact me again until a year later.

 

Out of no where, drunk no less, he called me to tell me how badly I had made him hurt by finding someone else and leaving him. How he had always loved me but didn't think he was good enough to offer anything to me n a relationship blah blah.. I actually had broken of my engagement but let him know I missed him very much but I didn't think I could resume a friendship with him.

 

He kept calling me for months until finally I agreed to go to dinner with him where he blindsided me with asking me if I would date him. I didn't answer him and just left loose ends for the night. He then disappeared again for some months.

 

About 6 months ago he called me again and we began hanging out as friends but in these past 6 months he has asked me to date him 6 different times (drunk and sober) and I agreed maybe we should try dating BUT every time he has asked me, he disappears! Almost like he wants to pretend he didn't ask me.

 

I confronted him on the issue every time and he always answers that after asking me he thought about it and didn't think it would be fair to me because he's not in a stable place in his life still.

 

Drunk I love you phone calls still come. Out right frankly very emotional ones bringing up how much I hurt him, how he's sorry for all the things he has done to me, how amazing I am, how he wishes he could take back the past 6 years and change everything and not have wasted all of this time and be with me.. you get the picture.

 

We are back to spending lots of time together and it sometimes creeps me out because he's back to wanting to know what I do, wants to know if I am talking to other guys... etc. Every time I am with him I catch him constantly just starting at me. When I go around his friends and family I have heard them refer to me as his girlfriend and he doesn't correct them. He has gone as far to ask me if I would meet his child.

 

I am the type of person who doesn't take things with a grain of salt unless someone is blunt and upfront with me so I don't know what to make of any of this. I know his child's mother hurt him very badly and he has trust issues but I am the type of person that if you want something you go after it. I don't understand someone who bluntly says then and runs like a child with their ail in between their legs hoping maybe they can avoid what they just did.

 

Does anyone see anything I am not seeing here? Does anyone understand this behavior? lol

[westrock]

He probably has low self esteem, but I get the impression that you are contributing to the situation. Although you say "I confronted him on the issue every time", I notice that you also seem to avoid the issue at times.

 

You went along with "3 years of a weird odd pseudo relationship", but did you speak up during that time asking

about the status of the relationship and "go after it" yourself? As I read your story you two were FWB while still in love with your exes, said ILU's, and then at some point you decided to start dating someone else and that took him by surprise.

 

This also caught my attention:

 

he blindsided me with asking me if I would date him. I didn't answer him and just left loose ends for the night.

 

he has asked me to date him 6 different times (drunk and sober) and I agreed maybe we should try dating

 

In both cases you did not seem to convey to him what you wanted, but instead either didn't answer him or left it vaugue with a "maybe we should try dating".

 

I am the type of person that if you want something you go after it.

 

What is it that you want? It's not clear from your posting and he probably doesn't know either. I think if you were to express to him more clearly what it is that you want that would help define the "relationship".

[ChrissyR]

He probably has low self esteem, but I get the impression that you are contributing to the situation. Although you say "I confronted him on the issue every time", I notice that you also seem to avoid the issue at times.

 

You are correct on the self esteem, although like a lot of men, he tries to play it cool. I do actually build him up in a lot of areas for instance he didn't graduate high school and I have motivated him to get his GED because I know he is worth more then he gives himself credit for.

 

We have had very different upbringings obviously. I know he grew up poor etc. which tends to make him have a negative attitude towards furthering himself in life whereas I had more opportunities that I took advantage of. I do believe this is an issue for him as far as self esteem goes.

 

Yes, I have avoided the issue of dating for the reasoning that it caught me off guard and I wasn't very sure he was serious about it. I have confronted him by asking him why he asks and never actually tries to date me. The response was that he doesn't feel it fair to me that he doesn't have the time or money to date me. I do know he puts his child first which I always encourage him to do but I do feel like he really can't make up his mind and maybe just wants to know he has me at arms length if that makes sense.

 

You went along with "3 years of a weird odd pseudo relationship", but did you speak up during that time asking

about the status of the relationship and "go after it" yourself? As I read your story you two were FWB while still in love with your exes, said ILU's, and then at some point you decided to start dating someone else and that took him by surprise.

 

During the 3 years I did speak up about the relationship and it never went very well. Everything during that time regarding that issue always ended up in fights with him so I gave up on the issue and moved on when I met someone else.

 

It wasn't until I met someone else that I began to have the same conclusion I do now. He wants me at an arms length but goes back and forth fighting the fact he wants a relationship with me and I can't begin to figure out the reasoning for it. I know we both can't imagine not having one another in each other's life but it seems he can't figure out where to place me in is life.

 

I know his ex broke his heart badly and there are still issues ongoing with that situation as she has moved on in life with the man she cheated on him with and not to mention that this involves the relationship with his child etc. I know it's all very hard on him. Perhaps it's a trust issue in women he isn't ready to instill with me. I really don't know.

 

In both cases you did not seem to convey to him what you wanted, but instead either didn't answer him or left it vaugue with a "maybe we should try dating".

 

What is it that you want? It's not clear from your posting and he probably doesn't know either. I think if you were to express to him more clearly what it is that you want that would help define the "relationship".

 

You could be correct on your opinion of how I left the situations unanswered. I did write him a quite emotional letter as follows:

 

I know you have said a lot to me lately and they are very confusing to me. I have thought about it all for awhile now and have decided you deserve to hear this.

 

I know what my role is in your life. My role, is to love you

unconditionally, hold your hand when you need it, help you pick the

pieces of your heart up when it breaks, guide you through your troubled

times, ground you when you need it, and walk the path of life beside

you. I'm your best of friends. You made that clear long ago and you

don't have to worry about me taking things you say while drunk or in a spur of the moment seriously.

 

But this role is a double edged sword for me. My heart will break

every time yours does, it means I lose a little bit of me each time I

pick up a piece of your heart, or you fall in love with someone else. I

hurt when you hurt...and sometimes I hurt because you don't. It's a

tough balance for me and maybe you need to know that.

 

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to be something to you, that maybe

I'm just not meant to be, and I accepted that a long time ago. It's

hard to do, when you've given your heart and soul to someone. No matter

what comes of you and I, I will be yours forever. No matter what, I'll

always be there when you need me.

 

You're a wonderful person. I'll love you no matter what. You're the only person I have in my life that can piss me off and still make me love you all at the same time. I respect you. I'll never forget you no matter what the future holds or we ever lose touch.

 

His response to this was he needed to call me and discuss this but again, he disappeared almost avoiding as if to avoid it or in hopes I would forget about the subject. lol

 

I think at this point I am afraid of pushing the issue because I feel he had such strong feelings for me he would not keep bolting every time he decides to confess them.

 

I fell in love with him years ago but had to learn to move on. Do those feelings still exist? Of course they do but I don't want to ruin our friendship or complicate matters because I am able to separate my feelings for him and take things as they are in our friendship but it is difficult when I see someone who seems very in love with me but can't seem to decide what he wants. Then again, I could just be misreading it all. lol

 

Oh to spend a day in his mind. lol

[torranceshipman]

Well that letter would confuse me, tbh, I'm not sure whether its saying close friends or more, or what. I think he needs to feel really secure in his mind that you are 100% into him and are fully ready for a committed R with him before he'll take the leap with confidence-sounds like he's face saving a lot at the moment-leave him in no doubt of the way you feel (if thats what you want) and say...'over to you, if you want to ask me out, I'd be so happy-go for it, but I cant do it unless you're 100% straight up with me too' and that can he pick up the phone and you two can have a talk about it, and decide to give it a go as a couple-or not-then stick to it.

 

There might be so many insecurities on both sides by now that you're both so scared of rejection you mess around like you are doing-its clear you're into eachother but you both need to act more clearly! No gushy letters I'd say, as thats still ambiguous-lay it out square and demand some action one way or the other and see what happens!

 

(I'm in a similar situation btw and probably not good at followin my own advice :laugh:but it sounds logical!)

[ChrissyR]

LOL!

 

You are completely right! And btw, I never act on my own advice either!! Always give the greatest yet my life is a mess JK!!! lol

 

I did have a talk with him yesterday. I let him know that I realize he's been going through a lot since the messy heartbreak he had and that obviously we both have some feelings for each other and if he decides he's ready for something more I'll be waiting for him to let me know.

 

I did tell him that I loved him which prompted him to reply with, yes I know as a friend but you just won't realize not only do I love you but I am in love with you. I did fess up and let him know I have been in love with him for quite sometime but I walked away because I needed to give him the opportunity to decide where his heart was due to his hang up on his child's mother.

 

So, he knows. I guess you are correct in a lot of ways about the rejection but there still is a lot of fear over ruining our friendship but then again, we crossed the line so many years ago and you can't exactly go backwards.

 

Time will tell but I thank you for the great advice. You were very right.