How do I clue him in??

[Star Gazer]

Well "cluing him in" worked because now he knows what kind of ring I want. Truthfully I wish I hadn't seen that he looked at rings. I certainly am not pressuring him (consciously or otherwise). I know he will propose eventually so I am going to try to have peace of mind with that. Relaxing is not a strong suit of mine, therefore it is difficult to "calm down" as everyone is telling me too. I am going to try though because I'm pretty much making myself miserable here.

 

My friend's GF never pressured him either, in words or action. He could just FEEL it.

 

Men can smell a woman's desire to settle down the same way a dog can smell fear. Chill out.

[allina]

AAARARARAGHRGAHRHARGJAHLGRJHAWGGGH!!! Does anybody elses head hurt with all this frantic over-analysis?

 

 

But isn't that what LS is for? To voice our feelings, thoughts, concerns and obsessions? I think LB takes the advice and even all the criticism that she receives here to heart and tries to apply it. Plus, if she's not venting here she'll drive her bf crazy! Ok kidding LB

[Lauriebell82]

I agree with SG, especially about not looking at his computer history. I forgot to mention this before but that's pushing it. I would be annoyed if my bf was searching my computer history, I know it's nothing hidden that you're snooping in but still. Not to mention that if he knew it wouldn't send a good message.

 

And I hope you can relax. I understand that you want to get engaged, I'm in a very similar situation with my bf. We're getting engaged in less than a year so we're looking at rings, talking about future decisions and so on. But you NEED to have faith in your bf and in your relationship. You need to let loose and have faith that it'll happen.

 

I know my bf hasn't purchased a ring yet And I promise you, I'm not stressing about it.

 

I didn't specifically look in his history to snoop. I needed to find a website that I had just gone and I saw he looked at the kays jewelers website.

[Star Gazer]

But isn't that what LS is for? To voice our feelings, thoughts, concerns and obsessions? I think LB takes the advice and even all the criticism that she receives here to heart and tries to apply it. Plus, if she's not venting here she'll drive her bf crazy! Ok kidding LB

 

Yes, LS is to voice and be heard, as well as receive advice. She certainly listens, but I really don't think she DOES apply anything she hears. If she did, we wouldn't see so many, "He's going to propose!" threads. Truly. Instead, we just hear a lot of, "Well, relaxing isn't my strong suit....blah blah blah."

 

RELAX, LB. Chill. It will happen. Enjoy the ride for now.

[Lauriebell82]

But isn't that what LS is for? To voice our feelings, thoughts, concerns and obsessions? I think LB takes the advice and even all the criticism that she receives here to heart and tries to apply it. Plus, if she's not venting here she'll drive her bf crazy! Ok kidding LB

 

No, you are right that I probably would drive him nuts! I am a counselor, it helps me to voice my opinions and feelings about things. I benefit from talking to others and getting advice.

 

People who get upset at other posters for voicing opinions should take a look at why they come to loveshack in the first place.

[Star Gazer]

My last post just made me think of something.

 

LB sees engagement/marriage as the end-result. The final destination. Her goal. Really, she does. She's admitted it.

 

Does she realize that it's NOT the END? That that's just the beginning of an entirely new phase? That her entire relationship with her now-BF (maybe future-H) will ALWAYS be growing, evolving, developing, changing?

 

Because if she doesn't realize that, she's in for a world of emotional torture for the rest of her life. The ring, the wedding, the house, the babies...it will NEVER be enough.

[Lauriebell82]

Yes, LS is to voice and be heard, as well as receive advice. She certainly listens, but I really don't think she DOES apply anything she hears. If she did, we wouldn't see so many, "He's going to propose!" threads. Truly. Instead, we just hear a lot of, "Well, relaxing isn't my strong suit....blah blah blah."

 

RELAX, LB. Chill. It will happen. Enjoy the ride for now.

 

So you are saying you want me to stop posting. Okay, bye.

[allina]

Yes, LS is to voice and be heard, as well as receive advice. She certainly listens, but I really don't think she DOES apply anything she hears. If she did, we wouldn't see so many, "He's going to propose!" threads. Truly. Instead, we just hear a lot of, "Well, relaxing isn't my strong suit....blah blah blah."

 

RELAX, LB. Chill. It will happen. Enjoy the ride for now.

 

Yeah but I think it's tough because she can't have a straight forward, honest conversation with her bf about this. If she can't have the dialogue with him, LS can be a sort of substitute to voice some stuff, there's really no harm.

[Star Gazer]

People who get upset at other posters for voicing opinions should take a look at why they come to loveshack in the first place.

 

Here comes the passive-aggressive little LB we all know so well. Why point fingers back, LB? What's the point in doing that? There isn't one.

 

Your multiple threads on the subject that attempt to call into question your BF's level of commitment to you leads to no other conclusion than that you are obsessed with getting married. You've admitted it many times before. I'm still confused why you haven't taken a moment to analyze why YOU have this obsession with getting married, and instead continue to focus on your BF's hints.

[Star Gazer]

Yeah but I think it's tough because she can't have a straight forward, honest conversation with her bf about this. If she can't have the dialogue with him, LS can be a sort of substitute to voice some stuff, there's really no harm.

 

If she can't have an open, honest dialogue with her BF about what he sees for their future, what she wants, and whether their ideals match, then she has bigger problems than trying to "clue him in" to the type of ring she wants, don't you?

 

As for the harm... Sure, there's harm - to herself. She could be potentially ruining a great thing here by obsessing about the minutiae of their relationship.

[Trialbyfire]

So you are saying you want me to stop posting. Okay, bye.

Everyone wants to see you do well, which means there should be progression and serious adaptation of advice given. Instead, what we're seeing is a never-ending cycle. Break out of it. Okay? We do care which is where the frustration comes from.

[Star Gazer]

Everyone wants to see you do well, which means there should be progression and serious adaptation of advice given. Instead, what we're seeing is a never-ending cycle. Break out of it. Okay? We do care which is where the frustration comes from.

 

Precisely. The childish "I'm leaving" behavior is part of the never-ending cycle as well.

 

Just live in the moment, LB. I've never been proposed to, but I'll tell you this: of all the people I know, the ones where they "knew" it was coming, or "hoped" it was coming on a particular day, we all disappointed about the way it went down. Like an anti-climactic Christmas for the child who already knows what's under the tree. Conversely, those who were TRULY surprised gush about that moment.

 

Wouldn't you prefer to experience the latter? Or are you so results-oriented you don't care what it feels like as long as you obtain your objective?

[norajane]

and I can't wait to spend my life with him.

I think this is a key issue. LB, you ARE spending your life with him, right now, every day, and have been since you moved in and even before that. Marriage will not change that one single bit. But you've set up marriage in your head as the first day of the rest of your life, so you're anxious to get started, and you've put your peace of mind and your happiness and your enjoyment of life on hold until then.

 

It requires a change in perspective. ACT as though you are already engaged - meaning, know in your heart this is the person you are spending your life with - starting two years ago - and enjoy it each day, whether that particular day includes a wedding proposal or a whole bunch of laundry to do.

 

All you HAVE is what is going on today. So you can choose to live in anxiety wondering when bf is going to pop the question and whether he's perceptive enough to buy the right ring, or you can choose to put on your comfy clothes, make some popcorn, and snuggle on the couch watching movies with your bf.

[Star Gazer]

I think this is a key issue. LB, you ARE spending your life with him, right now, every day, and have been since you moved in and even before that. Marriage will not change that one single bit. But you've set up marriage in your head as the first day of the rest of your life, so you're anxious to get started.

 

That's exactly what I was referring to above when discussing how LB sees marriage as the end result. Her entire relationship with her BF is an ongoing, never ending journey. She should savour it all along the way!

[sb129]

Yes OK, point taken Allina. Fair enough...

[allina]

If she can't have an open, honest dialogue with her BF about what he sees for their future, what she wants, and whether their ideals match, then she has bigger problems than trying to "clue him in" to the type of ring she wants, don't you?

 

As for the harm... Sure, there's harm - to herself. She could be potentially ruining a great thing here by obsessing about the minutiae of their relationship.

 

I personally do think that not being able to openly discuss engagement, marriage or anything for that matter is a negative in a relationship. I have mentioned this to LB before. However, I am a very straight forward person and I don't have the same fears as LB. I also don't know what LB's relationship is really like, I've never seen how they interact, if they seem deeply in love, etc. When something stands out to me in her threads I say something, but I see no reason to discredit her relationship.

 

I also don't see any clause on LS stating that to keep posting threads, even threads on the same topic a poster must first take a certain amount of advice. If she wants to post why make her feel unwelcome?

 

You think she's hurting herself, maybe she is? I think she just thinks too much and needs somewhere to express her thoughts. I see no reason to make anyone feel like they are allowed only a certain amount of posts.

[allina]

Yes OK, point taken Allina. Fair enough...

 

This is the 3rd time someone on LS has said that to me this week. :laugh:

[sb129]

I agree with TBF, SG, too. I also agree with NJ when she says that LB has set the wedding day as the first day of the rest of her life. She has done this, and I have seen people do this IRL, and its not a healthy attitude to have.

 

LB- you are a counsellor, yet you really do seem a little neurotic when it comes to this situation. then when you get the same advice (ie, chill, relax, go with the flow) that many of us gave you last time you obsessed about your BF, you go all passive aggressive. What would you tell someone you were counselling if they behaved this way?

[Trialbyfire]

LB, what do you want more, the man or the trappings? If you want the man, better to focus on creating a positive environment and fueling the relationship to be the best relationship possible.

 

Having said that, your b/f has to do his share with a similar commitment and dedication.

 

If he exceeds your reasonable boundaries, express it. If he won't maintain them, then take whatever action you need to correct the situation. Beyond that, he's his own man. No one can control him or should want to.

 

I won't enable you. I know I'll be jumped by people who feel you should be enabled but I don't particularly care.

[Sunshine11]

Whoa, there. LB, I totally understand where you're coming from. I love every day I spend with my boyfriend. In my heart of hearts, I feel like I am ready to spend the rest of my life with him, AND I feel like he feels the same way. I also feel like he moves at his own pace, and that I don't want to rush him.

 

I go through phases where I really really want to just get married already so we can start having a family before our careers get too underway and we get too old, and it's important to me to have children under the umbrella of the civil union of marriage. I also know my grandparents want to be at my wedding, and their health is really starting to crash. And, my dad can't wait for grandchildren.

 

With that said, I love our relationship, we're not perfect, and we never will be. And I know, in my head, that marriage isn't the glue that's going to keep everything together and warm and fuzzy.

 

Because he's so introverted, I never know exactly where he's coming from, but I appreciate him for who he is, respect that he prefers to keep things to himself, and I would rather that we simply enjoy our time together. Because of this, if there is something really important to me, I save it up, so that I only have something 'really important' every few months or so at the most for us to think about and work together on. Because marriage is not a central issue in our relationship, I dont bring it up as one of my 'really important' issues. Instead I focus on things that'll help bring us closer, like learning to relax without bringing the stress of work/school home (that is the issue I've asked him to work on with me for the Fall).

 

So when I go through my phases of really wanting to get married, it's not an important enough of an issue for me to bring up, and there is no discourse of it. It doesn't mean we don't have a wonderful communicative relationship. It just means that we pick our issues, and I want him to come to terms of wanting to marry me on his own, without me stamping my foot, tapping my shoe, or sighing while I check my watch every week to see if he's on board yet.

 

Anyhow, LB, I feel for you. And I hope you continue to be able to vent on LS as often as you need to and readers are able to be supportive, regardless of how cyclical your concerns are.

[Lauriebell82]

I realize you are all trying to help me. I got a little PO'd last night because I was asked if anything happened over the weekend and I said no. I was honest and said that I was disappointed. So I felt like the responses would have been different if I would have lied and said that I was okay with him not proposing and that it didn't bother me.

 

I think Norajane (and a few others) said that I should think of the relationship as if we are already engaged, that we are already committed to each other. I was talking to my mom last night and she asked me why the heck I want to get married so bad. I said that because I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. She said the exact same thing most of you did, that I already have that and an engagement ring will not change that fact. So I am going to really try to think from that perspective, and maybe that will help me stop obsessing.

[Star Gazer]

The responses would not have been different. Besides, had you lied, we would have all seen through it.

 

I'm not one to look for credit, but c'mon LB - I said it before NJ, both here and elsewhere. I have told you to enjoy your relationship "in the NOW" probably 50 times. Each time, you say you're going to focus on just appreciating what you do HAVE already right now, but yet again, we see the cycle repeat itself. The obsessing hasn't even begin to calm down yet - if anything, it's only intensified.

 

You've gotta unlock something in your brain. What if marriage wasn't an option? What if that traditional ceremony/state didn't exist at all? (Like for most gays in this country. ) You'd have to go on, knowing that your commitment and plan to be with each other forever is enough. Sh*t, that's what marriage is anyway - nothing more than a promise sealed with a license, which can always be broken.

[Lauriebell82]

The responses would not have been different. Besides, had you lied, we would have all seen through it.

 

I'm not one to look for credit, but c'mon LB - I said it before NJ, both here and elsewhere. I have told you to enjoy your relationship "in the NOW" probably 50 times. Each time, you say you're going to focus on just appreciating what you do HAVE already right now, but yet again, we see the cycle repeat itself. The obsessing hasn't even begin to calm down yet - if anything, it's only intensified.

 

You've gotta unlock something in your brain. What if marriage wasn't an option? What if that traditional ceremony/state didn't exist at all? (Like for most gays in this country. ) You'd have to go on, knowing that your commitment and plan to be with each other forever is enough. Sh*t, that's what marriage is anyway - nothing more than a promise sealed with a license, which can always be broken.

 

Yeah, I'm struggling to calm down. It's hard, I can't even describe it. Like I have said before, maybe if my boyfriend just came out and said "Hey babe, I love you and I want to marry you someday when I'm ready and the time is right." But no, he doesn't say that. He says things like "Hey if you ever got married, where would you go on a honeymoon?" And when I tried to talk to him about it he said "Yeah, you are dreaming if you think I'm telling you when I'm going to propose." So, tell me that wouldn't be a little confusing for you and put you on edge. So already having insecurity issues, that is just icing on the cake. I realize he wants this to be a surprise and that's fine, but not having a plan or knowing what my future holds makes me a little nuts. It helps to talk because then it doesn't get all pent up inside of me. But I will try to stop focusing on it when I'm with my boyfreind. Actually it's kind of odd, but when we are together I really DON'T think about it. It's when I'm not with him that I do.

[Star Gazer]

..mbut not having a plan or knowing what my future holds makes me a little nuts.

 

LB, no one on Earth knows what the future holds. Not to be morbid here, but even if you got married, it could all end tomorrow. He could die. He could get some weird disease. He could leave you. You could find someone who doesn't cause you any anxiety. Tomorrow is never guaranteed - ever. Each day with your BF is a gift. Cherish it, regardless of the label your relationship.

[norajane]

Like I have said before, maybe if my boyfriend just came out and said "Hey babe, I love you and I want to marry you someday when I'm ready and the time is right."

 

And when I tried to talk to him about it he said "Yeah, you are dreaming if you think I'm telling you when I'm going to propose."

 

LB, his statement amounts to the SAME THING that you want him to say.

 

He's not going to tell you WHEN he'll propose, because he wants it to be a surprise. But he is going to propose.

 

How is that different from what you want him to say?