Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 LB, his statement amounts to the SAME THING that you want him to say. He's not going to tell you WHEN he'll propose, because he wants it to be a surprise. But he is going to propose. How is that different from what you want him to say? I guess it's not. While a surprise proposal is fun and all, I'm not very good at waiting for it. I lack patience as I have said before, but I don't have a choice in the matter. My best friend told me that if I keep obsessing about it I'm going to ruin it for myself. My mom told me to look at it like he is trying to do something wonderful for me because he loves me and not because he is trying to make me obsess. So I should find comfort in the fact that he wants to make it very special for me and something I will always remember. So my plan is to think about that everytime I get anxious or obsessive about it. I know that self-talk helps control thought processes, so I'm going to give it a try. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 So my plan is to think about that everytime I get anxious or obsessive about it. I know that self-talk helps control thought processes, so I'm going to give it a try. Exactly. Talk yourself out of it the very second it starts hitting you. As a therapist, you know how destructive obsessive thinking can be especially when there's nothing you can do about it. Reroute so you can rewire. Btw, I've been proposed to, five times in my life. I suspect it has much to do with the fact that I've never been in a hurry to get married. Now that I've been married and divorced, it's made me realize even more how little I want to be again. If anything, I've gotten to the point of being relationship averse which seems to make the men I date, want relationships more. People are so backwards. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 11, 2008 Author Share Posted November 11, 2008 Exactly. Talk yourself out of it the very second it starts hitting you. As a therapist, you know how destructive obsessive thinking can be especially when there's nothing you can do about it. Reroute so you can rewire. Btw, I've been proposed to, five times in my life. I suspect it has much to do with the fact that I've never been in a hurry to get married. Now that I've been married and divorced, it's made me realize even more how little I want to be again. If anything, I've gotten to the point of being relationship averse which seems to make the men I date, want relationships more. People are so backwards. Wow, 5 times. Aren't you the popular one! Anyway, thanks for the input. I tried the "self talk" today and it really helped. I thought about it a little bit but didn't obsess as much as I usually did. I love him so much and I realized that it doesnt matter whether we have rings on our fingers or not, we are still going to have that love there. So I am going to try and be patient. Oh I meant to respond to what sb said as well. I can see how wedding planning can be stressful, my best friend turned into the worst bridezilla EVER when she was planning hers. And my BF already told me that he pretty much is just going to show up at the wedding, so it looks like it's going to be up to me! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Wow, 5 times. Aren't you the popular one! Far from it. The only reason I mentioned it is that I'm certain it was because I wasn't in a hurry for marriage. People seem to want what they can't get. Anyway, thanks for the input. I tried the "self talk" today and it really helped. I thought about it a little bit but didn't obsess as much as I usually did. I love him so much and I realized that it doesnt matter whether we have rings on our fingers or not, we are still going to have that love there. So I am going to try and be patient. That's great to hear. This doesn't mean you can't set a date in your head about how long you're willing to be patient, say 2012. I'm not knocking that you want to get married as one of your goals. That's a reasonable goal in life. Just don't drive the two of you crazy with being impatient. Enjoy your relationship as it is today. You've got plenty of time and no relationship is ever a waste if you've enjoyed it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 11, 2008 Author Share Posted November 11, 2008 Far from it. The only reason I mentioned it is that I'm certain it was because I wasn't in a hurry for marriage. People seem to want what they can't get. That's great to hear. This doesn't mean you can't set a date in your head about how long you're willing to be patient, say 2012. I'm not knocking that you want to get married as one of your goals. That's a reasonable goal in life. Just don't drive the two of you crazy with being impatient. Enjoy your relationship as it is today. You've got plenty of time and no relationship is ever a waste if you've enjoyed it. Yeah, I have set a deadline for myself. We have agreed that we would like to have children in 3-4 years and be married for awhile first, so I don't think he would wait for many years to come. Plus, he is a good guy and he loves me, therefore I don't think he would deliberately lead me on and stall when he knows how much it means to me to get married. You are right though that I don't want to drive him nuts. I still have many years before my biological clock is even close to ticking, so I'm not in a rush to get married just to have children. I thought about hoping he would propose a little today, but not as much! So it's getting less. I heard wedding planning is stressful though, but I'm excited! Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Oh I meant to respond to what sb said as well. I can see how wedding planning can be stressful, my best friend turned into the worst bridezilla EVER when she was planning hers. And my BF already told me that he pretty much is just going to show up at the wedding, so it looks like it's going to be up to me! I haven't found it stressful AT ALL. I am waiting for the pre-wedding stress to kick in, and I wish it would because I could do with losing a few pounds. I have actually found wedding planning a little bit boring if anything, and I am totally over the PLANNING part of it, I just want the day to arrive. I have taken the path of least resistance with everything from the flowers to the cake. Wonderboy isn't that bothered about it, so I don't see the point in stressing myself out with too many options when he isn't. He has been involved in some decision making, and those decisions were made in 5minutes. One tip- too much time to plan a wedding isn't a good thing, as you have more time than you need to think about it. I think we could have planned ours in a month the way things have gone. No bridezilla here! LB- all those things are just details. A wedding is cool, and I am looking forward to ours, but mainly I am much more excited about being Wonderboys wife and living in our own home and all of that stuff. You are in a better situation than we are in that respect- we are living with my parents at the moment, and its not easy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 11, 2008 Author Share Posted November 11, 2008 I haven't found it stressful AT ALL. I am waiting for the pre-wedding stress to kick in, and I wish it would because I could do with losing a few pounds. I have actually found wedding planning a little bit boring if anything, and I am totally over the PLANNING part of it, I just want the day to arrive. I have taken the path of least resistance with everything from the flowers to the cake. Wonderboy isn't that bothered about it, so I don't see the point in stressing myself out with too many options when he isn't. He has been involved in some decision making, and those decisions were made in 5minutes. One tip- too much time to plan a wedding isn't a good thing, as you have more time than you need to think about it. I think we could have planned ours in a month the way things have gone. No bridezilla here! LB- all those things are just details. A wedding is cool, and I am looking forward to ours, but mainly I am much more excited about being Wonderboys wife and living in our own home and all of that stuff. You are in a better situation than we are in that respect- we are living with my parents at the moment, and its not easy! Yeah, maybe my friend was so stressed because she had to plan her's in like 3 months! I def. don't want a super long engagement though, I pretty much have an idea of what I'd like to do for it. Since we are having it in a church we will have to reserve it, but I don't want one of those year 1/2 engagements. I am very excited for my wedding though, I can't help it! But you are totally right, that is just one day. I'm more excited about being married to him then the wedding part. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 Don't forget that after you are actually married, things won't be so different to how they are now. You will still be sharing an apartment and living your lives alongside eachother exactly as you are right now.......you have still got it good you know, even though there isn't a ring on your finger. Even when there is a ring on your finger, they still drive you nuts for leaving the toilet seat up and not hanging out the washing... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 Don't forget that after you are actually married, things won't be so different to how they are now. You will still be sharing an apartment and living your lives alongside eachother exactly as you are right now.......you have still got it good you know, even though there isn't a ring on your finger. Even when there is a ring on your finger, they still drive you nuts for leaving the toilet seat up and not hanging out the washing... And for not being ready to buy a house, not being ready to have the first child, not being ready for you to quit your job to be a SAHM, not being ready to trade in the car for a minivan, not being ready for the second child, not being ready yet for whatever you have your heart set on NOW... Your heart's already set on a short engagement... Do you see how if you don't gain control over this impatient anxiety, you're always going to feel insecure and uncertain and frustrated? Keep practicing patience! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 12, 2008 Author Share Posted November 12, 2008 He looked at porn on the internet..ugh Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 LB, stop checking up on him hon - It is paramount to stalking your boyfriend! All boys look at porn!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 12, 2008 Author Share Posted November 12, 2008 LB, stop checking up on him hon - It is paramount to stalking your boyfriend! All boys look at porn!! True. Well this was the first time since last week. I'm going to stop though, he isn't looking at rings anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 Maybe that was a little trap set by him to stop you checking up on him? I wouldn't have a clue what wonderboy looks at on the internet. (well, maybe I do- football results etc) Give him some breathing space LB.... you're like a woman possessed! Link to post Share on other sites
oceangrl Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 If you're checking on his history, hes probably able to check yours too right? Does he know you post here? Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 LB, you worry me! I would hate to see how you react when you really do have something to worry about honey. I think you could probably benefit with a bit of councelling yourself to deal with your stress levels and worrying Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 12, 2008 Author Share Posted November 12, 2008 LB, you worry me! I would hate to see how you react when you really do have something to worry about honey. I think you could probably benefit with a bit of councelling yourself to deal with your stress levels and worrying I don't think counseling would help cure patience. I'm just getting a little on edge right now but I need to cool down here. My friend said he could have figured out I checked his history and deleted that he looked at rings. I don't know how he could find that out. Oh and actually it was just a fluke thing that I checked his history. I was trying to find a website that I had went to but couldn't remember what it was. There I just saw that he looked at the kays website. So it isn't some odd stalking thing where I have been doing this for like months and months. He knows I go on a site called "loveshack" so I guess he could check to see what I am looking at but I don't think he'd go through all that trouble or that he really cares. And anyway in my defense I didn't go cruising through all his websites to read every single thing he looked at I just saw the kays thing. Link to post Share on other sites
One Issue Idiot Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 But you did it twice, and you did it before during Christmas time. It's not just a fluke and the sooner you accept that your anxiety makes you cross certain boundaries, the sooner you will be able to resolve this. Have fun, enjoy your free untroubled time with the man. You are waiting anyway. Why not enjoy the time? You're not getting engaged faster by obsessing about it. If anything, your anxiety will cause your bf to wait to not feel pressured about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 But you did it twice, and you did it before during Christmas time. It's not just a fluke and the sooner you accept that your anxiety makes you cross certain boundaries, the sooner you will be able to resolve this. Yeah I know. I struggle with impulse control. It's probably why I've had eating disorder issues. It's almost like being an addict, accept without the drugs. Most of the time I can control it, sometimes I can't. When I want something so bad (like to marry my BF) I have trouble controlling the anxiety and impulses. Since I'm an addictions counselor I'm well aware of how to control this problem, it's just doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
One Issue Idiot Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 Since I'm an addictions counselor I'm well aware of how to control this problem, it's just doing it. Huh? Are you saying that the best way to deal with your anxiety is to just get married? Or am I misunderstanding you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 Huh? Are you saying that the best way to deal with your anxiety is to just get married? Or am I misunderstanding you? Oh no, that's not what I meant at all. The anxiety is not specific to getting married. I have had struggles with anxiety since I was a teenager. Getting married will not solve that problem or help me deal with that better. What I meant was that I need to deal with the anxiety through coping skills that I know. Waiting for him to propose is causing anxiety, and most likely it will decrease when we do get engaged. However, something else may trigger my anxiety after that, and cause me to feel pressure/stressed. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 LB, I have said this before and I will say it again, I think that you think your life will be magical after you get married, like it will make your life so different ... and it wont! You are completely obsessed with marriage as if it is the be all and end all of life ... and it isn't! Marriage, living together, having kids, none of them guarantee you will be together for life. I worry that because of your inner anxiety you are making your boyfriend feel under pressure. That would be enough to put anyone off marriage! Lets be honest here, your boyfriend knows exactly how you feel and I am sure that if he wanted marriage that badly you would have the proposal by now. Personally I dont think he wants to get married in the near future and that is why he hasnt proposed. If he wanted marriage badly he would not be winding you up for over a year now by hinting at it, I think he does this to keep you happy. I am not saying this to hurt you LB, I like you alot and think you are a real sweetie, I just had to be honest with you as I think this obsession you have is hurting you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 LB, I have said this before and I will say it again, I think that you think your life will be magical after you get married, like it will make your life so different ... and it wont! You are completely obsessed with marriage as if it is the be all and end all of life ... and it isn't! Marriage, living together, having kids, none of them guarantee you will be together for life. I worry that because of your inner anxiety you are making your boyfriend feel under pressure. That would be enough to put anyone off marriage! Lets be honest here, your boyfriend knows exactly how you feel and I am sure that if he wanted marriage that badly you would have the proposal by now. Personally I dont think he wants to get married in the near future and that is why he hasnt proposed. If he wanted marriage badly he would not be winding you up for over a year now by hinting at it, I think he does this to keep you happy. I am not saying this to hurt you LB, I like you alot and think you are a real sweetie, I just had to be honest with you as I think this obsession you have is hurting you. Okay, so he's just using me and leading me on to make me happy? That's wonderful. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 Okay, so he's just using me and leading me on to make me happy? That's wonderful. Eh?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Where did I say that? Dont go getting all passive aggressive on me LB. I said I do not think he is ready yet and appeasing you to keep you happy, I never once said he is using you!!! It is only what I think, it does not mean that I know this, I do not know your bf. I hate when people put words in my mouth! Link to post Share on other sites
One Issue Idiot Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 See it from this another perspective. You and people on this board naturally always assume that he is teasing you by giving out hints about marriage etc. But maybe he is just trying to reassure you that there is a wedding in the future and that he is not forgetting about it, while also telling you that he isn't ready yet (hence you have to wait for the surprise). I mean, you two are 2 years together and just recently started living together. You're not going slow at all. Link to post Share on other sites
oceangrl Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 He wouldn't be with you this long if he didn't think you're the one. He wouldn't move in with you if he didn't love you. Just because he didn't propose yet does NOT mean he doesn't want to marry you and it also does NOT mean he loves you any less. Don't let society make you feel like you have something to prove by getting married and/or proposed to. Marriage is something created by society to tell you whats "normal" But in reality YOU make the rules of whats normal for your relationship. Also, think about how much energy is being put into this nervous energy. Being anxious will not cause him to propose/marry you any sooner right? What if you put that energy into the actual relationship? Put that energy into the passion of your relationship and think about how much more effective that would be. Link to post Share on other sites
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