How do I clue him in??

[Lishy]

If I am right then the fact that he is trying to keep you happy is a good thing!

 

I have never doubted he loves you LB, you dont have to marry someone just because you love them do you? If you dont marry someone it does not mean you are using them!

 

I just want to to stop worrying for worryings sake!

[Star Gazer]

Since we are having it in a church we will have to reserve it....

 

"Since we are having it in a church"?? WHY are you planning your wedding already? Did your BF tell you he wants to marry you in a church? Did he propose?

 

He looked at porn on the internet..ugh

 

Just as meaningless as looking at rings, IMO. He could have been looking at rings just to see how much they cost, what he's getting himself into, etc.

 

I don't think counseling would help cure patience.

 

Um, it actually works wonders...same with impulse control. I'd think as a counselor you'd know this.

 

Okay, so he's just using me and leading me on to make me happy? That's wonderful.

 

That's not what she meant at all. He's appeasing you until HE is ready. Marriage is not all about what YOU want, LB.

[Lauriebell82]

"Since we are having it in a church"?? WHY are you planning your wedding already? Did your BF tell you he wants to marry you in a church? Did he propose?

 

We did talk about it. It is important to me to get married in the Catholic church and we are not the same religion. So I asked him if he would okay with getting married in the Catholic church, and raising children Catholic. He said he would be fine with that. Actually we have talked to other couples regarding the PreCanna classes that we will need to take, and he is okay with needing to take those as well.

 

So to answer your question, yes we have talked about getting married in the Catholic church in the future, however we are not engaged yet therefore have not planned which church, date, flowers, ect.

[norajane]

Veruca Salt:

Gooses! Geeses!

I want my geese to lay gold eggs for Easter

 

Mr. Salt:

It will, sweetheart

 

Veruca:

At least a hundred a day

 

Mr.Salt:

Anything you say

 

Veruca:

And by the way

 

Mr. Salt:

What?

 

Veruca:

I want a feast.

 

Mr. Salt:

You ate before you came to the factory

 

Veruca:

I want a bean feast!

 

Mr. Salt:

Oh, one of those

 

Veruca:

Cream buns and doughnuts and fruitcake with no nuts

So good you could go nuts

 

Mr. Salt:

You can have all those things when you get home

 

Veruca:

No, now!!

 

I want a ball

I want a party

Pink macaroons and a million balloons

And performing baboons and ...

Give it to me

Rrhh rhhh

Now!

 

I want the world

I want the whole world

I want to lock it all up in my pocket

It's my bar of chocolate

Give it to me

Now!

 

I want today

I want tomorrow

I want to wear 'em like braids in my hair

And I don't want to share 'em

 

I want a party with room fulls of laughter

Ten thousand tons of ice cream

And if I don't get the things I am after

I'm going to scream!

 

I want the works

I want the whole works

Presents and prizes and sweets and surprises

Of all shapes and sizes

And now

Don't care how

I want it now

Don't care how

I want it now

 

...

 

LB, we all know what happened to Veruca Salt!

 

I don't think your bf is trying to appease you. I think it's a misguided attempt to surprise you, and because he's just as stubborn as you are, he wants to do it his way when he's ready. You KNOW he's a control freak. You accept that about him and love him anyway. Well, acceptance means dealing with this with patience. If you can't find the patience, maybe you two aren't right for each other? He's not going to change!

 

He knows you well enough to know you want a proposal now, don't care how, you want it right now. And he accepts that about you, and loves you anyway instead of dumping you in the garbage chute because you're a bad egg.

 

So stop wasting your life on this anxiety. You'll get the Golden Ticket and the Golden Geese and the presents and prizes and sweets of all shapes and sizes. What are you, 25? 26? And you've only been living together 5 months. It's time to chill out about weddings and develop other parts of your life - like hobbies, interests, passions, and friends and family. Those will stay with you regardless of what happens with your bf regarding a proposal, or even if the marriage doesn't work. YOU. Focus on you and your relationship, not weddings and rings.

[norajane]

We did talk about it. It is important to me to get married in the Catholic church and we are not the same religion. So I asked him if he would okay with getting married in the Catholic church, and raising children Catholic. He said he would be fine with that. Actually we have talked to other couples regarding the PreCanna classes that we will need to take, and he is okay with needing to take those as well.

 

So to answer your question, yes we have talked about getting married in the Catholic church in the future, however we are not engaged yet therefore have not planned which church, date, flowers, ect.

 

So, why do you doubt that he wants to marry you?

 

That's what all this anxiety is about, right? Deep down, you are insecure and aren't certain he wants to marry you, so you want to lock it in with a ring?

[Lauriebell82]

So, why do you doubt that he wants to marry you?

 

That's what all this anxiety is about, right? Deep down, you are insecure and aren't certain he wants to marry you, so you want to lock it in with a ring?

 

Maybe. An engagement is different then "living together." Yeah, you may h ave a fairly similar life together, however it's more of a committment. He can say he is committed to me and all, but we are still just dating in my book. Until there is a ring on my finger I will not consider him completely committed.

 

Of course I realize that engagement/marriage doesn't ensure a "forever committment" either but I think you take your relationship more seriously when you are married.

[torranceshipman]

You do sound very insecure...I can imagine you need the ring on the finger because your instinct is telling you something isnt 100%...perhaps he's stalling because he loves you but feels really pressured into marrying you quick and isnt sure exactly how to handle it? (Lets face it, you're hardly subtle! Anyone that screams YES in their dreams about marriage is clearly sending out some very unsubtle messages on some level!!!)

 

Why not just enjoy the living together and let the guy do it in his own time? Your desperation/pushiness might make him sit back a bit, but if you really calmed down about it, things might be better. Perhaps he needs a good year or 2 to get used to the idea? You're seriously not going to be this antsy for a year or 2 are you?!

 

The last thing...sometimes a guy that feel a bit pushed into M before he's ready probably has 10times the likelihood of a major freak out after getting married! And then the pressure of it all could really spell major fall out and the end of everything. Let the guy feel that EVERYTHING is on his terms, especially if he has some issues with control (another poster mentioned that)-plus from your other threads I got the impression that he's pretty immature anyways so waiting might actually be a very good idea!

 

I really would try and calm down...bless you with all the eating disorder and anxiety etc to deal with but that does suggest that you'd REALLY benefit from counselling and that you totally need some more hobbies etc to stop obsessing. I mean, what are you going to be like when a real problem comes along? When will he propose is a cute question-wait til you get real issues like mortgage problems, a baby that keeps you up all night screaming, etc etc...

[D-Lish]

Marriage won't automatically make your relationship a bed of roses- trust me, I know this from experience.

 

It's soooo much better being surprised with a proposal.

 

I know I've told you this before, if you just take a step back and stop obsessing about it or talking about it- it will happen much sooner.

 

Men will automatically resist any pressure to get married. They want to come up with the idea themself. It makes it more rewarding for him and for you.

 

Do you really want him proposing because you keep bringing up the idea? Or do you want him to come to the conclusion on his own that taking the next step is what HE wants.

 

My ex husband and I were together for 3 years and I began to get the marriage bug.... so I started hinting and asking him about it. He did end up proposing. I already knew he was going to do it at x-mas time- so it wasn't a surprise to me- nor was it overly romantic because when he actually did propose I started feeling guilty that I had pushed for it rather than let him come to the conclusion that's what he wanted too.

 

Well, we didn't last more than a year together after getting married. After the hype of the wedding was put to rest and we started our life as a married couple- the same problems existed and I never truly felt his heart was in it because I had pressured him. I think he felt the same- which is why we broke down.

 

Let him come to the conclusion naturally. I know it feels better when you think you have control of the situation- but this is one instance where sitting back and being patient will benefit your relationship.

 

Stop asking about it- let him see you relaxed and simply happy with what you have at the moment. He'll see you in a new light, and he'll have the breathing room he needs to proceed with buying you that ring.

 

When someone pushes me to do something- my natural reaction is to resist. If I am left to make my own decision, I feel much more confident about following through... Because it's ME making the decision.

[Trialbyfire]

Let's turn this around a bit.

 

What if your b/f said, "LB, I want to get married tomorrow. No ring or reception. Justice only. No church. Get a couple of witnesses together, I want this done before noon tomorrow".

 

How would you feel? Would you immediately hop to and say, "let's do it your way"?

[Storyrider]

I keep getting the feeling you want your boyfriend in particular because he is non-threatening. He's non-threatening because he's boyish and younger than you emotionally. And that is why he's not ready to get married. You can't have it both ways.

[Lauriebell82]

Let's turn this around a bit.

 

What if your b/f said, "LB, I want to get married tomorrow. No ring or reception. Justice only. No church. Get a couple of witnesses together, I want this done before noon tomorrow".

 

How would you feel? Would you immediately hop to and say, "let's do it your way"?

 

Woah, I'd be a little shocked at that!

 

I see your point though, I would be a little hesitant with that idea. In order to raise children Catholic it has to be by a preist, therefore some kind of compromise would need to be worked out there.

[Trialbyfire]

Woah, I'd be a little shocked at that!

 

I see your point though, I would be a little hesitant with that idea. In order to raise children Catholic it has to be by a preist, therefore some kind of compromise would need to be worked out there.

What if he kept pushing you towards that perspective?

[Lauriebell82]

What if he kept pushing you towards that perspective?

 

I see what you are getting at. If it was really what he wanted than I would probably do it if it would make him happy. Plus I'd get to marry my baby.

[RecordProducer]

Have you seen the movie (not the TV series) "Sex and the City"?

 

I don't know the rules about choosing a ring, but if he's the dominant kind of guy and he decided to choose the ring himself, then don't give him any hints, unless he specifically asked you to. Don't spoil his surprise.

 

It will be beautiful, no matter which one he chooses. The love and commitment matter. Not the rock.

[Lauriebell82]

Have you seen the movie (not the TV series) "Sex and the City"?

 

I don't know the rules about choosing a ring, but if he's the dominant kind of guy and he decided to choose the ring himself, then don't give him any hints, unless he specifically asked you to. Don't spoil his surprise.

 

It will be beautiful, no matter which one he chooses. The love and commitment matter. Not the rock.

 

Very true. He has good taste in jewelry, he has bought me very beautiful earings, a necklace, and a bracelet. So I'm sure whatever ring he picks out will be great.

[Trialbyfire]

I see what you are getting at. If it was really what he wanted than I would probably do it if it would make him happy. Plus I'd get to marry my baby.

What are the chances of resentment happening, when you go to work with no beautiful engagement diamond, nothing but a plain silver wedding band?

 

Be honest here. Think seriously about how you would feel. No princess wedding, no religious ceremony, no beautiful diamond ring or dress. Just his way or the highway.

[RecordProducer]

I never got an engagement ring or any diamond ring. I only got a wedding band that's too small for both of us, so we don't wear them. We were never really engaged, but I asked for a diamond ring after we got married and he said "sure, just pick the shape of diamond you like." He can definitely afford it. I said the shape didn't matter to me, it was the commitment that mattered, but I didn't get any.

 

Commitment, that is.

[carhill]

I knew something was wrong when my wife got my wedding band on eBay for 49.95

[Lauriebell82]

I think he just browed at th rings, I doubt he is planning on buying one or he would have by now. I have no clue why anyone would look at engagement rings and not actually buy one. Oh well, at least I don't have to keep going crazy over it because I know he's not proposing right now.

[Lauriebell82]

What are the chances of resentment happening, when you go to work with no beautiful engagement diamond, nothing but a plain silver wedding band?

 

Be honest here. Think seriously about how you would feel. No princess wedding, no religious ceremony, no beautiful diamond ring or dress. Just his way or the highway.

 

I don't ever think he would do anything like that. He would never demand we do something that we weren't agreeable to anyway. Our relationship is about compromise.

[One Issue Idiot]

Then compromise and wait for him to be ready.

 

Looking at rings: oh, tons of reasons. Seeing how much they cost so he can start putting money aside for it. Seeing what is in style and what might fit you. Simple couriosity. Etc pp

[Lauriebell82]

Then compromise and wait for him to be ready.

 

Looking at rings: oh, tons of reasons. Seeing how much they cost so he can start putting money aside for it. Seeing what is in style and what might fit you. Simple couriosity. Etc pp

 

Yeah, those reasons are very possible. He has the accountant mentallity, that he has to scope out the prices and make a plan when to buy it. He did that with our HD tv. He looked at tv prices for like a month or so before actually going to buy one. So I don't know why I thought that he would look at a ring and then go right out and buy it.

[Lauriebell82]

I just had an interesting conversation with my friend who got married last year. She said her H actually suggested marriage FIRST in the relationship before she wasn't even thinking about it. She told me he wanted to go look at rings right away and after she picked it he put it on layaway so he could buy it when he paid it off. He then proposed after he paid for teh ring. So it's interested that HE controlled the situation and pushed her when she wasn't even thinking about marriage. She is truley happy and was very happy when her H did take her to took at rings, ect. She said he was glad that he inititated it because it made it more special. It's an interesting story to hear how the situation is reversed for some people.

[allina]

In happily married couples it usually is the man that leads with marriage/proposal decisions.

 

I want you to be careful LB. I worry that your bf will feel so much pressure that he'll propose just to please you, this causes so much resentment and unhappiness later on.

 

I know you aren't outright pressuring him and that you don't mean to but he's your bf, he knows you, I'm sure he knows what's going on.

[Lauriebell82]

In happily married couples it usually is the man that leads with marriage/proposal decisions.

 

I want you to be careful LB. I worry that your bf will feel so much pressure that he'll propose just to please you, this causes so much resentment and unhappiness later on.

 

I know you aren't outright pressuring him and that you don't mean to but he's your bf, he knows you, I'm sure he knows what's going on.

 

Yeah, I'm starting to get pissed off and resentful about it now. When someone at our friend's wedding asked him when we were getting engaged he said "I don't know, I like to keep her on her toes." More like just not propose. I just starting to think "Why doesn't he want to marry me?"

 

I agree the situation isn't too good. Last night we had a nice talk and I did tell him how happy I was in my job and with him. And he said he was happy with me too. What do you think I should do?