How do I clue him in??

[Trialbyfire]

LB, what are you looking for from LS?

 

Historically, you post a marriage thread. Everyone pretty much suggests you relax and enjoy the relationship. You get angry but usually come around. And yet, nothing changes, it just keeps cycling like this.

 

What do you suggest needs to happen, besides finding a way to make your b/f propose? Take the possibility of the proposal off your internal table for now. What do you suggest needs to happen now? What can you live with? What do you want from your b/f besides a proposal? What do you value?

[JamesM]

I have been prompting LB to think about and discuss why she is so obsessed with marriage and Walk has put it out there!

 

 

I agree.

 

Sometimes the criticism that seems the harshest holds the most truth.

[Lishy]

What worries me is how LB reacts to advice that she does not want to hear. I wonder if she is this passive aggressive in real life and would bet that she is.

 

Good luck LB

[Sunshine11]

LB, I totally identify with your excitement to get married someday to your boyfriend, and to your anxiety about whether or not it will ever pan out.

 

To all who are so unbiasedly offering advice, thank you for helping drive home the importance of relaxing and just enjoying every day with your partner.

 

My interpretation of this thread is that LB is excited about her relationship, and for many women about 25 and madly in love, marriage is the most exciting thing in the world, and can also cause some anxiety. Is he worth waiting for? Or will I end up starting over again and maybe not being able to have a family as early as I want to within the societal norm of marriage? LB went into counseling, likely because she wanted to understand herself better. She obviously struggles with anxiety, and with some insecurity issues. I would encourage anyone offering advice to understand where she is coming from based on who she is, and appreciate that these issues don't just go away when you talk yourself down--that is merely a coping mechanism. She will likely suffer from anxiety on and off for her entire life. It's her coping skills that she is developing. I think counseling for her is a great idea, even if it's just once or twice to help develop some coping mechanisms. But please don't fault her rationality based on her clinical anxiety.

 

LB, I wish you the best, I am relatively confident that if you are able to accept yourself, your feelings for your boyfriend, and his feelings for you, and enjoy every day you have together, you'll be able to backburner your desire to rush marriage. He obviously hopes to marry you one day, and once you are ready to commit your lives together, it will happen. In the meantime, you can try to do nice things for him, and try to develop your relationship by ironing out any rougher points so that you can enjoy yourselves even more.

 

Be well!

[Star Gazer]

Yeah, I'm starting to get pissed off and resentful about it now. When someone at our friend's wedding asked him when we were getting engaged he said "I don't know, I like to keep her on her toes." More like just not propose. I just starting to think "Why doesn't he want to marry me?"

 

You've said SEVERAL times that you do not want a long engagement. Therefore, in your BF's eyes, the moment he proposes, he's gonna be getting married.

 

He's not proposing right now because he's not ready to get married right now.

[allina]

I'm so put off by how people in this thread talk down to LB Seems like a lot of this "advice" is intended to make LB more insecure while making her "helpers" feel superior.

 

I agree with Ariadne on this one.

 

And what's up with people telling posters that they shouldn't post so much then accuse them of running away? Being a b*tch then ending with saying "I want you to be happy/I want what's best for you" is transparent. And no, this isn't geared to any vulture in particular, just the over all vibe here

[Star Gazer]

There isn't much room in your life for how your bf feels about things, about his concerns, or any issues he may feel need to be addressed before feeling comfortable with committing the rest of his life to you.

 

His concerns or issues are not conducive to an immediate proposal, yet you aren't working toward a finding a resolution with him.

 

I'm still stuck on the fact that on your annv, a day where it should be about showing appreciation for who your partner is, and what they mean to you, you give him the gift that would make you happiest and not the gift that would've made him happiest.

 

But I do know one thing.. if you don't start putting your bf's wants and concerns at as high a priority as your own, then your marriage will fail.

 

These are all very good points, Walk. I don't think they've really been pointed out/addressed before.

[sedgwick]

I would be so honored if someone I loved proposed to me that the last thing in the world I'd be thinking about is a piece of jewelry. I'd cry if they slipped a cigar band on my finger. But then, when I was engaged, I told him not to bother with a ring. His heart was more than enough.

[sb129]

I think Walk raised some interesting points, and I agree with a few of them. I wasn't aware of the anniversary gift issue, however I think that it has some relevance here.

My fiance loves fishing and hunting, both of which are pastimes that take him away from me, as I am not interested in taking up either of these activities. However, I give him vouchers for his favourite fishing store for birthdays without a second thought because I know how much he loves to fish. If I stand in the way of that, he will resent me and the time we DO spend together will be spoiled.

 

I am also interested to see how LB reacted to her employment review. Sounds like it was constructive criticism, which we all need to develop our careers and sometimes our personal lives. I used to ignore people when they pointed out the flaws in my characters, and not believe them. Now i know that I am not perfect, but its OK to not be perfect, and it gives you things to work on.

 

Personally LB, while I think you are a nice person, I think you have alot more personal growing to do before you are ready to get married.

 

This is NOT a criticism in a bad way. I am thinking about myself when I was 25, and I was much more selfish and manipulative than I am now. Its taken awhile for me to be able to appreciate the needs of others and put them before my own.

 

Like you, I thought I would be married by 26, and having kids before 30. I am 31 now, and my wedding is in 6 weeks. I am glad its taken this long- because I know now that I am ready to make sacrifices for my fiance, and that by not always having my own way or seeing him 24-7 doesn't mean that he loves me any less.

 

I too was inexperienced at my career at age 25, but thought I knew it all. Now, with more experience and criticism, I am a much more considerate health practitioner, and am much more relaxed at work. I enjoy work much more now.

 

Like allina, I am torn at this situation, because part of me wants to shake LB, and the other part wants to shake her BF.

 

I think that as they grow and mature together they could have a good chance of being happy, but it will require work on both of their parts. I suspect that some of this work will only be possible when they have both grown up a little.

[RecordProducer]

Most of us on here don't have the tools to deal with life's situations, but the difference between those who "make it" and those who don't is in how they deal with their flaws. They learn the tools they need, they listen, they learn, they use it to their advantage.

Wow! What a simple, yet such a wise thought! Thanks, Walk.

[Star Gazer]

I think you have alot more personal growing to do before you are ready to get married.

 

Quite frankly, this is what is all comes down to.

[shadowplay]

I just skimmed through the thread, and have to agree with the consensus. I don't mean to be condescending because I have a lot of the same problems, which actually makes it easier for me to recognize them in another. LB, you need to take constructive criticism seriously and learn from your mistakes if you wish to truly grow as a person. I'll give you an example from my own experience.

 

When I was a little girl I was fiercely independent and stubborn and always had to do everything myself. Other kids would have their parents help them with their homework if they did not understand something, but I was always insistent on figuring it out myself when my parents offered help. This put me at a disadvantage in school because I never benefited from the wisdom of others.

 

I've noticed that you'll pay lip service to following people's advice, but then don't really make good on your words. For instance you keep saying you'll try to stress out less and not obsess, but how hard are you really trying? If you were truly determined to change your thought processes you'd get therapy and look into some anti-anxiety medication (it's helped me a lot). Just because you're a therapist doesn't mean that you couldn't benefit from therapy. It's impossible for you to be objective about yourself. Seriously, will you consider this option? Because I and others think it could greatly help you.

 

In some ways you seem to have the maturity of a teenager. I believe the reason you're "stuck" in emotional adolescence is because you're unwilling to accept your own imperfections which stunts your personal growth. Again this is something I can relate to, so don't take it the wrong way.

 

Neither you nor your bf is ready for marriage or even engagement in my opinion. You're both immature in different ways. Maybe your bf senses that, which is why he is stalling. Instead of clinging to this idea of a speedy engagement, ask yourself why it is so important to you. What's the deeper issue here? Because you wouldn't be going insane like this if there weren't some deeper issue. Worry about whatever that is and not the engagement itself which is just masking the larger problem. This is something you should explore in therapy. Please, actually do it.

[Shygirl15]

Omg, what a whole bunch of analysis.

I have to agree on that..

[Lishy]

I have to agree on that..

 

I dont agree at all

 

Infact, I think that LB has been given very valuable advice from many sources and it is just a shame she has taken it as a criticism and not heard a word of it!

 

Oh well ....

[Walk]

I have to agree on that..

I would've said it wasn't that big of a deal either, and it REALLY isn't, but LB goes extreme on it. Go read her threads from last Christmas, last valentines day, this past anniversary, and you've already read this one. I know there were more, but I'm too lazy to go look right now.

 

Great, so she's excited about marriage. That's fabulous. But everyone knows that if you keep pushing the issue (i.e. asking LS members for over a year) about engagment issues, then you're eventually going to get posts that aren't all mushy, supportive, pat you on the back and tell you everythings gonna be okay. You're GOING to end up hearing the truth about what people think, and you're probably NOT going to be happy about it.

 

So moral of this little rant... if you can't handle the truth then stop asking strangers on a message board what they think. If you want to be coddled, then go lean on your friends. And if your friends are sick of hearing about it, then maybe.. just maybe... you're going too overboard on the issue.

[Lishy]

I agree Walk