Nikki Sahagin Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 Hi all! I am by nature, always have been, a VERY cynical, pessimistic and suspicious person. My parents are to my knowledge, in a loving and faithful marriage and I have never personally been cheated on. My problem is I have the type of nature where I naturally want to probe. I naturally read between the lines. And I trust my instincts. And usually I am right. I am with a boyfriend now who has had 3 short term girlfriends and cheated on 2 of them. One of them he cheated on with me and we then ended up together. I must stress that him and her were VERY short-term, did not love each other and we had a big emotional/mental (difficult to convey in words) attraction to each other beforehand (this is not to excuse myself but to put this out of the way). My boyfriend has never given me reason to think he has ever cheated on me but inside I have endless and sometimes very intense fears that he will, especially when I look at the likelihood that it happens to almost EVERYONE. This fear leads me to push him away and also to despair that I will never be able to trust someone. Despite how we got together, I have never cheated and never would cheat because I would never want to inflict that pain and hurt on another person but how can I push past my fears and insecurities and learn to trust and not be afraid? Link to post Share on other sites
ioncebelieved Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 Here is a saying for ya: I scared man can't bet and a jealous man can't work. After the things I have seen and been through in life, I do not think anyone is NOT capable of cheating. All you can do is try to trust, be trusted and if they are going to cheat on you, there is nothing to stop them anyway. You cannot let that feeling over run your life. Just be the best you can and hopefully your actions will be rewarded. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted October 30, 2008 Author Share Posted October 30, 2008 Can I ask, if you yourself believe that anyone and everyone can cheat, how can you blindly trust, when your deeper reasoning and instincts will ALWAYS tell you that it does, can and probably will happen? Is it all just a lie we tell ourselves to delude ourselves into happiness because the real truth is too scary? Link to post Share on other sites
ioncebelieved Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 That is the bad thing. Sure you have to trust on a certain level, the so called blind trust. Trust has to be built and you take your chances on the person whom you placed your trust in. I never said that I could never trust again... It will just be something that will require some work. W/o trust, the relationship will fail. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 Hi all! I am by nature, always have been, a VERY cynical, pessimistic and suspicious person. My parents are to my knowledge, in a loving and faithful marriage and I have never personally been cheated on. My problem is I have the type of nature where I naturally want to probe. I naturally read between the lines. And I trust my instincts. And usually I am right. I am with a boyfriend now who has had 3 short term girlfriends and cheated on 2 of them. One of them he cheated on with me and we then ended up together. I must stress that him and her were VERY short-term, did not love each other and we had a big emotional/mental (difficult to convey in words) attraction to each other beforehand (this is not to excuse myself but to put this out of the way). My boyfriend has never given me reason to think he has ever cheated on me but inside I have endless and sometimes very intense fears that he will, especially when I look at the likelihood that it happens to almost EVERYONE. This fear leads me to push him away and also to despair that I will never be able to trust someone. Despite how we got together, I have never cheated and never would cheat because I would never want to inflict that pain and hurt on another person but how can I push past my fears and insecurities and learn to trust and not be afraid? You're afraid of cheating but you have chosen a man who has cheated on two prior girlfriends? And now you're asking us to assure you that it won't happen to you? You might want to re-evaluate how you choose men. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 My Advice: Get used to the fact that everyone cheats and it's going to happen to you. Once you learn to accept that, then it's not so bad and your fears will start to fade. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted October 30, 2008 Author Share Posted October 30, 2008 Now I realise why it's a mistake to post on these things. People can never by nature know your exact experience as you put it in words so their advice can never help you. I retract my plea for advice! Link to post Share on other sites
motive2002 Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Not everyone wandering this planet has a complete lack of integrity and morals. What I'm trying to say is that not everyone cheats, but let's look at how things have changed over the last 20 years or so. It seems that relationships have become completely disposable, and cheating/having an affair is commonplace. I saw an ad for a website for people specifically looking to have an affair! It's almost considered normal to have an affair nowadays. Some people derive empowerment from it. They are justified! They deserve it! It's no wonder in this day and age people just figure it's gonna happen to them. Now to touch on the issue of your current b/f.. he admitted to cheating? No wonder you're worried! You might think it's compulsive, but like the old saying goes, history has a way of repeating itself, and past behavior is a predicate to future behavior. The question you have to ask yourself, is how would you deal with it if it happens? My own policy is a "one strike your out" rule. I am not a cheater, based on my own moral code, so therefore I would not tolerate it at all from my SO. That is one of my boundaries. Cross it and you're out on your ear. ... but like anything else, you could spend countless hours worrying about it, or you can simply not think about it unless it happens. Try to enjoy the time you have with your BF and not waste any of it worrying about something you have absolutely no control over. Link to post Share on other sites
EmperorR Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Am I weird? I want my next gf to have been cheated on, so she knows the pain I felt and won't do it Link to post Share on other sites
ioncebelieved Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 I am with MOTIVE on this one! I have seen how people use disposable relationships!! It has gotten worse over the years. I know that I will be very picky who I decided giving my heart to in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted November 1, 2008 Author Share Posted November 1, 2008 Hi...yes it seems after retatracting my plea I have come grovelling back! Thankyou for all of your responses. Maybe I should clarify the situation? We are both 19 so only young and the two girls he cheated on before were only week or so long relationships, not long at all and he did not love either of them. By the way I am not excusing or justifying anything as I believe there really IS no excuse for cheating but nonetheless I feel it is important to offer the.......explanation? We were in love BEFORE he got with his girlfriend of the time but because of certain situations could not get together. Now for me because I BELIEVE we both loved each other (it's hard to explain but you can just feel it and yes I may be a complete idiot but I do not believe so, I trust my instincts and feelings) I felt no guilt for what I did to the girlfriend. Yes I know that sounds terrible but I justfify in my own mind as they were only together a very short time, neither loved each other and they never saw each other. It was kind of that typical teenage relationship where people get together for no reason but to be together and all we did when we cheated was kiss though the emotional extent of the cheating was much stronger. Anyway we got together and are still together 2 years on so yes I still believe it's love and that all that hurt and pain and weirdness we went through was worth it. But I can't shake from my mind the fears. Partly because I know he has cheated on 2 girlfriends (though as I said he's only cheating was kissing and he has always told me) and partly because of how we got together. Now he says the difference is that he was young and never loved them and could not cheat on me because he could never cheat on someone he loves. Please understand I don't particularly want to be judged for my own actions in this because I fully recognise and understand the consequences of my actions and how they were wrong, unfair and selfish but I was so in love that I WAS being selfish. I was simply feeling, not thinking. The point is this was now 2 years ago so I don't want to get hung up on that fact but more on there here and now. Also I am terrified by modern life and as you have mentioned the disposability of relationships. The desire to replace the old with the new. I suppose I am terrified of being 'replaced' and of losing my meaning and connection with a person in favour of a new one. Either way this is an insane fear but I feed it because I believe it's very realistic and modern one. Most people I know have/are been/being cheated on. It's not a rare problem. And I find this very sad because despite my own mistakes, I want a relationship that can survive and grow and not be destroyed by temptations which ultimately mean nothing. Love is so much stronger and beautiful and RARER than moments of natural human weakness. But I suppose it's that human weakness that scares me most of all. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Am I weird? I want my next gf to have been cheated on, so she knows the pain I felt and won't do it That's not always a predictable barometer. My ex-boyfriend's wife cheated on him. He then cheated on me. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 OP, if you can't, absent data to the contrary, trust your BF, then it's better to be alone. IMO, no LTR can be healthy without trust. You've been in this 2 years and you still have doubts. Personally, at your age, if I had such doubts, I'd resolve to be alone and work on myself. The answers reside within you. I can tell you right now that, if this young man does love you and trust you, and you continue to send out signals of doubt, his love for you will eventually die. Trust is part of the fertilizer of love. A big part. Without it, love dies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted November 1, 2008 Author Share Posted November 1, 2008 OP, if you can't, absent data to the contrary, trust your BF, then it's better to be alone. IMO, no LTR can be healthy without trust. You've been in this 2 years and you still have doubts. Personally, at your age, if I had such doubts, I'd resolve to be alone and work on myself. The answers reside within you. I can tell you right now that, if this young man does love you and trust you, and you continue to send out signals of doubt, his love for you will eventually die. Trust is part of the fertilizer of love. A big part. Without it, love dies. We aren't long distance, sorry if somehow that came across. Luckily we don't have the problem of long distance! I am aware I have a LOT of problems within myself which I transfer into the relationship and I am currently seeing a therapist for help. So I am trying to sort myself out WHILST being with him because I do genuinely love him. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 We aren't long distance, sorry if somehow that came across. Luckily we don't have the problem of long distance! I am aware I have a LOT of problems within myself which I transfer into the relationship and I am currently seeing a therapist for help. So I am trying to sort myself out WHILST being with him because I do genuinely love him. LTR = Long Term Relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted November 1, 2008 Author Share Posted November 1, 2008 Ahhh thankyou for clarifying that. For me I have natural 'issues' with relationships in general. I think very negatively about them. I see a lot of cheating, lying, deceit in human nature especially in their closest relationships and I am terrified of that. It's weird I trusted him MORE in the beginning with all of the rockiness than I do now, as though that turbulance almost bound us together? And now in the peace of a more steady relationship I fear that what becomes more routine, more monotonous, more 'normal' can become boring and stifling and cause him to want something 'new' and 'exciting'. Link to post Share on other sites
sultry33 Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 As Carhil said the problem lies with you. Its great that you understand this and are receiving therapy it will help you. Trust is so important and you are right to not over analize his prev rs as they was only short term and both very young;) 2 years is along time to be together so hopefully its a good sign that you have got through so far you need to try to stop worrying about what ifs..enjoy your life together and put the insecurities aside..live for now If he is going to cheat it will not matter what you do he will cheat but if he is not cheating..accusing him of it will destroy what you have does he give you any reasons to doubt him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted November 1, 2008 Author Share Posted November 1, 2008 Thankyou Sultry No he doesn't. Literally the only thing is my own worries which I then project onto him. It's incredibly difficult to deal with because it almost feels like an instinct and I push this onto him so that he pushes away and feels stressed out from my constant doubting so I am aware of the damage I am doing but almost like a habit, I can see the patterns and cycles but I feel at a loss as how to change how I behave. Link to post Share on other sites
sultry33 Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Thankyou Sultry No he doesn't. Literally the only thing is my own worries which I then project onto him. It's incredibly difficult to deal with because it almost feels like an instinct and I push this onto him so that he pushes away and feels stressed out from my constant doubting so I am aware of the damage I am doing but almost like a habit, I can see the patterns and cycles but I feel at a loss as how to change how I behave. so other than your friends rs you have no other outside reasons why not to trust? trust does take time and im a strong believer in not being too trusting.. but i have many reasons personally to not trust must be harder if there is no real reason.. i have the fear that i will be left and normally i leave them.. so really was strange but i dont see happy endings.. i told my ex he would leave me.. he took 4 yrs telling me he wouldnt.. but then he left:laugh: does your therapist know about this fear? if so are they working on it? ie changing the way you you think or looking into underlying reasons sometimes you need to change the way you think and that takes work/time Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 OP, how does your BF feel about attending couples therapy? Have you asked him about this? Make this a team effort Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted November 1, 2008 Author Share Posted November 1, 2008 OP, how does your BF feel about attending couples therapy? Have you asked him about this? Make this a team effort That would be difficult for him at the moment as he is constantly working. He has very little free time so I wouldn't like to consume that that he DOES have with therapy and the added stress of that. Also he like me does not find it easy to talk this through with a stranger so i'm not sure how open to that he would be but I would not wish to suggest it whilst he is so busy with work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted November 1, 2008 Author Share Posted November 1, 2008 so other than your friends rs you have no other outside reasons why not to trust? trust does take time and im a strong believer in not being too trusting.. but i have many reasons personally to not trust must be harder if there is no real reason.. i have the fear that i will be left and normally i leave them.. so really was strange but i dont see happy endings.. i told my ex he would leave me.. he took 4 yrs telling me he wouldnt.. but then he left:laugh: does your therapist know about this fear? if so are they working on it? ie changing the way you you think or looking into underlying reasons sometimes you need to change the way you think and that takes work/time Thankyou, I really do appreciate you taking the time to reply to 'my story' as all our lives are! I think the thing is, though I do WANT to change or more feel that I NEED to change, I find it almost impossible. I am quite fixed in my ways and very stubborn and very protective of myself. I'd almost rather hurt myself by pushing away and being suspicious than deal with the reality that I might be too trusting, too naive, too giving and be exploited and hurt. I'm too proud to let someone else hurt me. I've got so much armour up that I find it so hard to take down but as I said by doing this I am hurting myself and inevitably hurting the relationship. It is so difficult to say to yourself in your head 'dont do this' but yet to have feelings that you just cannot ignore telling you every second 'guard up, people will only let you down and hurt you'. It's like keeping your friends close and your enemies closer and achknowledging him as a friend that could become an enemy. I have such an unhealthy polluted view of relationships but yet I see it as realistic in the world we live in where there's so much hate and so little love. My therapist is ill at the moment so we can't really speak as much as i'd like to so again it's just me and my head which is why I've tried to reach out on here. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Quote from our MC :"Everyone works; everyone has bills; everyone has challenges in life; you decide what's important to you" FWIW, my wife and I both run businesses and have the usual life challenges of people in middle age. Our hour per week or bi weekly was considered "our time" to work on our M. Would your BF disagree with the above? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted November 1, 2008 Author Share Posted November 1, 2008 Quote from our MC :"Everyone works; everyone has bills; everyone has challenges in life; you decide what's important to you" FWIW, my wife and I both run businesses and have the usual life challenges of people in middle age. Our hour per week or bi weekly was considered "our time" to work on our M. Would your BF disagree with the above? Well we do see often when he doesn't work. It's hard because where work consumes his time, I have much more free time to fret about the relationship and stress about the lack of time. We do see but he also tries to split time between friends and interests etc. He has a lot that he must spread very thin. So I know I should be appreciative that he is investing lots of that time in me but where he is exhausted and stressed from work, I often find him unresponsive in many ways for instance, he will be so tired that he will not want to have sex which again makes me feel suspicious, pushed away. It's like a vicious cycle! Though I do respect and understand how things must feel from his point of view, I am hung up on my own! God why do us human beings have to be so selfish, would be much easier if I could be selfless. Link to post Share on other sites
sultry33 Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 you know strangely that's exactly the way i feel:eek: but i have many reasons you need to find out WHY you feel that way? if your man wants you to get help he needs to make the time in the rs too couple counselling would help you both Link to post Share on other sites
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