I have a compulsive fear of being cheated on

[Nikki Sahagin]

you know strangely that's exactly the way i feel:eek:

 

but i have many reasons

 

you need to find out WHY you feel that way?

 

if your man wants you to get help he needs to make the time in the rs too

couple counselling would help you both

 

 

Hmmm all I can think of is that i've gone through a stage of depression and anxiety attacks before and felt very isolated by them. Also there have been 3 occassions where older men have attempted to take advantage of me. One was a random encounter, the other was a doctor and the other was a man invited into our home. These 3 men all added to my lack of trust and in a way, sense of animosity directed toward men. Though I know this is irrational and unfair, I feel a sense of anger, lack of trust and deceit from men who from fairytales we are taught should 'rescue' us and look after us. I think I project this onto the men that DO care for me because I doubt their intentions to look after me.

[sultry33]

Thankyou, I really do appreciate you taking the time to reply to 'my story' as all our lives are!

 

I think the thing is, though I do WANT to change or more feel that I NEED to change, I find it almost impossible. I am quite fixed in my ways and very stubborn and very protective of myself. I'd almost rather hurt myself by pushing away and being suspicious than deal with the reality that I might be too trusting, too naive, too giving and be exploited and hurt. I'm too proud to let someone else hurt me. I've got so much armour up that I find it so hard to take down but as I said by doing this I am hurting myself and inevitably hurting the relationship. It is so difficult to say to yourself in your head 'dont do this' but yet to have feelings that you just cannot ignore telling you every second 'guard up, people will only let you down and hurt you'. It's like keeping your friends close and your enemies closer and achknowledging him as a friend that could become an enemy. I have such an unhealthy polluted view of relationships but yet I see it as realistic in the world we live in where there's so much hate and so little love. My therapist is ill at the moment so we can't really speak as much as i'd like to so again it's just me and my head which is why I've tried to reach out on here.

 

sorry my reply was to this;)

[sultry33]

Hmmm all I can think of is that i've gone through a stage of depression and anxiety attacks before and felt very isolated by them. Also there have been 3 occassions where older men have attempted to take advantage of me. One was a random encounter, the other was a doctor and the other was a man invited into our home. These 3 men all added to my lack of trust and in a way, sense of animosity directed toward men. Though I know this is irrational and unfair, I feel a sense of anger, lack of trust and deceit from men who from fairytales we are taught should 'rescue' us and look after us. I think I project this onto the men that DO care for me because I doubt their intentions to look after me.

 

so men in trust positions lost you there trust

 

that is a good enough reason and sure it will affect how you see men

 

thankfully it can be reversed will just take time;)

 

pm me if you want

im off out soon

its good you seek advice as you trully want to turn it around..have a good night x

[carhill]

Well we do see often when he doesn't work. It's hard because where work consumes his time, I have much more free time to fret about the relationship and stress about the lack of time. We do see but he also tries to split time between friends and interests etc. He has a lot that he must spread very thin.

 

OP, imagine your post above and being married, not just BF/GF. Do you think that is a healthy M? Why?

 

You see, we each are in charge of what we do, who we interact with and how "thin" we spread ourselves. IMO, this would be your BF's work in CT. Remember, the dynamic of your R does not reside totally within you. It's a collaborative effort.

 

Let's say you told him you needed to prioritize an hour every other week during business hours for CT. Would you expect him to be supportive and work with you, or would he merely say sorry he's busy. His response says a lot about the priority of your R in his life. I would not be here saying this if it weren't for your two year long relationship. FWIW, my wife and I were engaged and married within that timeline after we met. That's a long time to be with each other at your age. As I said prior, if you're not sure, be alone. It's OK

[Nikki Sahagin]

OP, imagine your post above and being married, not just BF/GF. Do you think that is a healthy M? Why?

 

You see, we each are in charge of what we do, who we interact with and how "thin" we spread ourselves. IMO, this would be your BF's work in CT. Remember, the dynamic of your R does not reside totally within you. It's a collaborative effort.

 

Let's say you told him you needed to prioritize an hour every other week during business hours for CT. Would you expect him to be supportive and work with you, or would he merely say sorry he's busy. His response says a lot about the priority of your R in his life. I would not be here saying this if it weren't for your two year long relationship. FWIW, my wife and I were engaged and married within that timeline after we met. That's a long time to be with each other at your age. As I said prior, if you're not sure, be alone. It's OK

 

This I think is the issue. Sometimes he gives and I don't. Sometimes I give and he doesn't. We don't always seem to have the balance right. For instance sometimes I push away and don't give him hugs and he does - so he feels i'm not giving and trying and tells me it's making him not want to try. And from my side say I try to initiate sex (sorry if that's too much information) and he refuses because of being tired, I take that as meaning I should give up and stop trying as well. So in many ways he does try. I just don't really want to pester him with therapy when he probably doesn't feel he has any problems himself. I think he is fine, it's more me and if it's just me, does that really mean he needs the therapy as well?

[carhill]

At the risk of playing armchair therapist, I'm hearing communication problems here. I know this from personal experience (with my wife). MC helped us greatly in that regard. It didn't change our intrinsic perspectives, but we more clearly communicate and hear those perspectives now.

 

If you were single, you would walk your path alone. You're not single. With a relationship, responsibilities come along with the benefits. When I was your age, I was working 14-16 hours a day racing and building my business. I did not have a girlfriend. I did not have the time for one I understood the responsibilities of what a loving relationship entailed, since I had the model of my parents to guide me. When I reached a point in life where I actively thought of prioritizing a relationship, that was when I began to actively pursue one in the sincere sense.

 

IMO, if your BF is too tired for sex or talking about your R, then you have to question why you're invested with him. I know I would. That part is healthy. Your doubts about fidelity reside within you and that is your work.

[Nikki Sahagin]

At the risk of playing armchair therapist, I'm hearing communication problems here. I know this from personal experience (with my wife). MC helped us greatly in that regard. It didn't change our intrinsic perspectives, but we more clearly communicate and hear those perspectives now.

 

If you were single, you would walk your path alone. You're not single. With a relationship, responsibilities come along with the benefits. When I was your age, I was working 14-16 hours a day racing and building my business. I did not have a girlfriend. I did not have the time for one I understood the responsibilities of what a loving relationship entailed, since I had the model of my parents to guide me. When I reached a point in life where I actively thought of prioritizing a relationship, that was when I began to actively pursue one in the sincere sense.

 

IMO, if your BF is too tired for sex or talking about your R, then you have to question why you're invested with him. I know I would. That part is healthy. Your doubts about fidelity reside within you and that is your work.

 

Well my boyfriend has said that his priorities are me, friends and work but obviously work eats into the most time. He is fine to talk about our relationship but yes there are definately communication problems. We don't always want to talk about it at the same time. The sex I understand because if he's tired (he works 11-9) so by the time we see at 9 he has to eat, get things ready for the next day and then get enough sleep to be up for the morning. I'm with him for more than that but they are important componants obviously!

[carhill]

Again, communication..... why not have morning sex? You may feel a bit less libidinous but most males get a testosterone rise in the morning and their libidos commensurately increase. Also, "talking". Make an appointment. Sounds stupid, I know

 

In our case, my wife gets overwhelmed with my communication and she needs her alone time when getting home from work to "decompress". So, we agree on a time and that she can "continue" the conversation if she begins to feel overwhelmed. Prior, I would get angry about not being heard, but now, with the agreement, I just disengage, knowing we can resume with her full interest later. This is what the process of MC has brought to us.

 

Is your R worth making the effort to get CT to both clarify your perspectives and improve your understanding of the R's role in your lives? Only you can answer that.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Again, communication..... why not have morning sex? You may feel a bit less libidinous but most males get a testosterone rise in the morning and their libidos commensurately increase. Also, "talking". Make an appointment. Sounds stupid, I know

 

In our case, my wife gets overwhelmed with my communication and she needs her alone time when getting home from work to "decompress". So, we agree on a time and that she can "continue" the conversation if she begins to feel overwhelmed. Prior, I would get angry about not being heard, but now, with the agreement, I just disengage, knowing we can resume with her full interest later. This is what the process of MC has brought to us.

 

Is your R worth making the effort to get CT to both clarify your perspectives and improve your understanding of the R's role in your lives? Only you can answer that.

 

Thankyou very much Carhill. I still have my reluctance because of his schedule but I will consider asking him

[carhill]

OP, this is where the ladies of LS have helped me greatly. Essentially, they implored me to take responsibility for my perspective and my behaviors, not my wifes. You BF's schedule is not your responsibility. It's within him to live his life in a way which enrichens your relationship. It's not your job to figure his job out for him Communicate your needs and desires and let it go at that.

[Geishawhelk]

My Advice:

 

Get used to the fact that everyone cheats and it's going to happen to you. Once you learn to accept that, then it's not so bad and your fears will start to fade.

 

 

My partner is 45 and has never cheated on any of his GFs.... I know this for a fact.