jjg Posted August 31, 2003 Share Posted August 31, 2003 I've been with my wife 9 years, married 5. My divorce date is 9/8/03. Exactly 1 month after our 5 year anniversary?! I finally decided to file for divorce because of the cheating. This was the 4th time that I found out about it and I just can't forgive or forget anymore. Most people would say, 4 times! What are you thinking, stupid? Well, when you love somebody, and you are committed to a marriage, you don't give up. You do whatever it takes, including blaming yourself for the actions of your spouse. So for me to 'get over it' and move on, I decided to get even. When the opportunity arose, I grabbed it by the horns and of course she found out, but Hey I was thinking- 'a tit for a tat.' You cheat, I cheat. We got it out of our system- let's call it truce & move on. So we thought. Anyways, a year later, boom, AGAIN. Found out through a friend, my wife's been screwing around. It just killed me. I'm thinking to myself, WHAT the hell am I doing or not doing to make her do this. BLAME, BLAME, BLAME. That's what I did. BLAME myself for why it was happening. What can I do to make it better. So counseling occurs, long talks, giving myself to whatever need she requested. All is fine & dandy, but Deep inside, it still burnt. And you may forgive, but you don't forget. And it happened again. Next chance I got the opportunity, I cheated on her. Not once but twice more because I just wanted to GET fu**ing EVEN! Well that made me feel better, but when she found out----poof! She moved out of the house and I thought we were done- The big 'D' was coming my way, and I have no one to blame but ME! I was so crushed! What I hated the most about her, I did right back and it came full force in my face. I decided THAT WAS IT!! I am going to stop this crap right now and be the best husband in the entire world. This cheating stuff is OVER!! We're growing up and moving on. I love you more than anything in this world and I am going to prove it by letting you do whatever the hell you want and I will wait for us to be together again. Months go by, and I give her all the breathing room in the world. I have no one to blame but myself for what has happened, so I take it in the chin. She moves out, lives by herself, goes out with other guys, other friends, cheats on me again. But who cares, I deserve it! We reconcile on our 4th anniversary, seek counseling, talk, love each other, buy a new house, life is GOOD! We were finally DONE with the cheating BUG that infected us for so long. Happily ever after was just around the corner. 8 months of bliss and I start getting this weird, but familiar feeling in my stomach once more. I've felt this before, I know what it is, but I can't put my hands on it. It can't be! She wouldn't! But why is my 6th sense telling me otherwise. She says, she needs some room to 'become herself.' So I decide to take a road trip for a few weeks to let her 'breathe.' And lo & behold, while I'm visiting her brother, I come across an e-mail from her to her new lover. Every internal organ in my body shut down. I was in complete shock, disbelief; but at the same time, it was so familiar that it almost felt normal. I immediately called her up calm & collect, asked her about who she was seeing. She outright denied & lied about it so I started reading her the e-mail. She shut down in an instant and I told her we're getting divorced. We are a DONE DEAL BABY. She acted like she could care less. So over the next couple of months and to this date, I am still heart-broken. She acts like, it is no big deal. That hurts. Marriage was so important to me, and I take it seriously. When cheating happens repeatedly, you can only get smacked in the face so many times until you decide to remove yourself from the situation. I myself could care less about the sex. Who cares? It's just sex, and when your comfortable with yourself, you can get over it. The problem that I had, that I could NOT forget about, was the TRUST issue. When your best friend, lover, spouse, the person you give yourself to and trust with all of your being repeatedly lies to you, it rips your insides out. When the trust is gone, the relationship is OVER. Remember that, There is no coming back once it starts. If you have a loved one that decides to stray- don't be me. It doesn't get better. People don't change. Get the hell out, and let them go. It will come back to bite you in the ass if you don't. My pain and hurt will go away in time and believe me I wish she would feel, even for an instant, how I do right now. But my one consolation in all this is that my EX has to live with herself. AND THAT MY FRIEND, is pain that is going to last her ENTIRE LIFETIME!!! Because she is spending her entire life looking for love everywhere else but insider her own heart. Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted August 31, 2003 Share Posted August 31, 2003 divorce her, cheating is unacceptable. best wishes to you Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted August 31, 2003 Share Posted August 31, 2003 When you forgave the first time, that was a very noble thing. But when you forgave the second time, that sent a message to your wife that she could cheat anytime and you would forgive her and take her back. When you cheated to get back at her, you only reinforced her behavior by sending the message that cheating is OK for you as well. Cheating is never OK, not even once. Some people are simply incapable of loyalty. The second time should have been the clincher....and perhaps you see that in retrospect. I would feel sorry for you except that you are so much better off without a woman who could bring home diseases that could kill you. You will be free on 9/8 (hopefully that will have more meaning to you than 9/11) and be able to heal from this and eventually find someone who is trustworthy and loyal. We live in a very dark age of morals. There are some very good people out there but there are many who have not had the training as children to have morals, ethics and convictions. They live their lives on whatever whims that possess them at any given moment. They say whatever words serve their purpose at the time. They are great actors and they will suck you in with all they've got in the beginning so you will feel you've met the right person. They will convince you beyond a shadow of any doubt that they are your dream so you can bankroll their escapades. All the while you will not know that they are about to shove it up your butt sideways. Don't let this happen again. Forgive always. But let betrayal happen only once. You seem like a pretty sharp guy. I'm sorry the world has turned the way it has. A lot of people cheat. It's sickening. It tears up people's lives. It tears up families and children. It grinds people's souls into oblivion. I'm sorry I don't know the solution but I can say with absolute certainty that I will never be part of the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted August 31, 2003 Share Posted August 31, 2003 This was a great post from Tony! When you kept forgiving her you indeed gave her the message it was acceptable. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. You are much better off without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Posted September 6, 2003 Board of Directors Share Posted September 6, 2003 Originally posted by jjg When the opportunity arose, I grabbed it by the horns and of course she found out, but Hey I was thinking- 'a tit for a tat.' You cheat, I cheat. .... Next chance I got the opportunity, I cheated on her. Not once but twice more because I just wanted to GET fu**ing EVEN! Well that made me feel better, but when she found out----poof! .... Marriage was so important to me, and I take it seriously. Define "seriously." Link to post Share on other sites
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