How often do they come back?

[lofi_tokyo]

I'm not really looking for a number to inspire hope; this is mostly out of idle curiosity. I'm 19 and while I know a ton of people, I don't know many who have say, been out of a serious relationship for 2+ years.

 

Anyways, my guess is maybe 1 in 10 dumpers come back at some point? Maybe not necessarily successfully, I would hope the dumpee would have moved on by that point, but I figure thats a fair number.

 

By coming back I mean, actually wanting their ex back, not necessarily calling them up to idly chat, or saying they miss their ex but not wanting a relationship.

 

On that note, who is more likely to ask for their ex back, gender wise? If men are meant to be the persuers, is it safe to assume men come back to the woman they've dumped more often than women, because they're interested in the hunt? Who knows.

 

I'm writing this thread because a) its interesting (kind of?) and b) I'm tired of writing threads related to me! Gosh! ;p

 

Any opinions are welcome!

[BCCA]

Overall, about 30% of couples get back together after a breakup. Of those 30%, 10% of those stay together. So, roughly 3% of people who break up get back together and stay together. Not much to hope for, huh?

 

As for gender, men come back to women far more often. Men tend to be more rash and make snap decisions, leaving room for regret. Women tend to talk to everyone they know, and mentally prepare themselves to end things weeks or even months before they pull the trigger. It doesnt so much have to do with the hunt as it does the support groups each gender has. Very few men discuss their feelings deeply with friends or family, while for women its much different.

[orangehose]

Overall, about 30% of couples get back together after a breakup. Of those 30%, 10% of those stay together. So, roughly 3% of people who break up get back together and stay together. Not much to hope for, huh?

 

As for gender, men come back to women far more often. Men tend to be more rash and make snap decisions, leaving room for regret. Women tend to talk to everyone they know, and mentally prepare themselves to end things weeks or even months before they pull the trigger. It doesnt so much have to do with the hunt as it does the support groups each gender has. Very few men discuss their feelings deeply with friends or family, while for women its much different.

 

Where do the 30% / 3% statistics come from? Any formal studies? I've heard them tossed around a bunch on this site... Just curious.

 

Anyway, I think the extent to which you wonder about "how often do they come back?" or eagerly read threads about exes re-uniting, is a good measure of how much you've accepted the break-up. I know for months after my break-up, I'd scan the 'second chances' forum for tales of dumpers contacting after lengthy periods of NC. Now... not so much. It seems to have finally sunk into me that it's a good thing this ex is not my partner anymore. I still miss him sometimes, I still sometimes wish for an alternate reality in which he didn't turn out to be a jerk, but logically... I know it's for the best that I didn't end up with him long term.

 

Progress, I suppose... Best wishes for your speedy recovery...

[lofi_tokyo]

I never would have guessed 30% of couples that break up get back together - even if its unsuccessful, thats pretty stellar. Its no suprise they fail again though I guess. Its also pretty interesting that 3% of couples who break up get back together and make it work. Good for them I guess!

 

Thanks for your reply BCCA. I have no idea where you got that statistic, but its fun for me to just look at real raw info and see how things work out.

 

And yeah, its very true about woman breaking up with someone after a TON of talking it out. They literally get months to make their decision, and after the split, they have friends backing their choice up. Men? I'm not so sure.

[lofi_tokyo]

Where do the 30% / 3% statistics come from? Any formal studies? I've heard them tossed around a bunch on this site... Just curious.

 

Anyway, I think the extent to which you wonder about "how often do they come back?" or eagerly read threads about exes re-uniting, is a good measure of how much you've accepted the break-up. I know for months after my break-up, I'd scan the 'second chances' forum for tales of dumpers contacting after lengthy periods of NC. Now... not so much. It seems to have finally sunk into me that it's a good thing this ex is not my partner anymore. I still miss him sometimes, I still sometimes wish for an alternate reality in which he didn't turn out to be a jerk, but logically... I know it's for the best that I didn't end up with him long term.

 

Progress, I suppose... Best wishes for your speedy recovery...

 

You know, I totally agree with you about how looking for second chance info and the degree to which you do it shows how far you are in regards to getting over your ex. I think I realized NC for me was working when I hadn't looked at the "second chances" forum in several days, out of pure lack of interest.

 

Anyways, just to clairfy, I'm honestly not looking for a second chance. I don't think its even possible. I guess I asked more out of sheer curiosity because the more I read these forums the more I realize a) were a small pool of people representing a group of people that frequently go on the internet and b) I'm 19, I don't know enough serious relationships at all. So.. I was looking for info on general relationships, not just ones represented by this site! ;p

[ohwhyme]

i agree with BCAA. Its a lot harder for a guy to talk about this especially when you dont have that many girl friends. When I had a break up I had to completely cut off contact and just do things to forget about everything, I couldn't really talk to anyone about it.

[9Lives]

I agree that men will come back and talk to you. It doesnt mean they want to work things out again but I think it is just they want to check on you and see how they feel if they broke up with you. They may have wanted to get back with you but wasnt sure you would have them again. Who knows? Men make moves and like you said, they dont think it out like a woman. We talk and talk and talk about it until we are blue in the face.

[EmperorR]

I never would have guessed 30% of couples that break up get back together - even if its unsuccessful, thats pretty stellar. Its no suprise they fail again though I guess. Its also pretty interesting that 3% of couples who break up get back together and make it work. Good for them I guess!

 

Thanks for your reply BCCA. I have no idea where you got that statistic, but its fun for me to just look at real raw info and see how things work out.

 

And yeah, its very true about woman breaking up with someone after a TON of talking it out. They literally get months to make their decision, and after the split, they have friends backing their choice up. Men? I'm not so sure.

 

 

lol how about when they cheat

[kizik]

They don't ever come back, but if they do, you've changed so much that you don't want them anymore.

[foxh1234]

Mine came back but I didn't want her anymore. I think that happens more times than not.

[kizik]

Also, yours is a cheater and an incredibly looney b*tch. Your situation is a bit more unusual than many fox.

[Nemo]

They always come back. And usually their timing is atrocious.

[kizik]

No, they don't always come back. They just go find someone new, break their heart, repeat cycle. They might call you or something, talking about "catching up," but that's a far cry from trying to reconcile the relationship.

[lofi_tokyo]

They don't ever come back, but if they do, you've changed so much that you don't want them anymore.

 

Thats kind of why I was surprised 30% of couples actually DO get back together. My ex's window of opportunity has longggg passed him by, I assumed it would be similar for more people.

[kizik]

Thats kind of why I was surprised 30% of couples actually DO get back together. My ex's window of opportunity has longggg passed him by, I assumed it would be similar for more people.

 

Thirty percent? Where the hell do you get this number? There's no way to quantify it, and anyone who puts a number on second-chance couples is just full of crap. Secondly, second chances are always doomed. There's all that f*cking history, and people hold grudges and say, "Remember when you did X Y and Z."

 

The only thing you can do is let dead horses be dead. Don't kick them. Remember, they're dead. What are you gonna do with a dead horse? Nothing. You know why? Cuz it's f*cking DEAD.

[lofi_tokyo]

Thirty percent? Where the hell do you get this number? There's no way to quantify it, and anyone who puts a number on second-chance couples is just full of crap. Secondly, second chances are always doomed. There's all that f*cking history, and people hold grudges and say, "Remember when you did X Y and Z."

 

The only thing you can do is let dead horses be dead. Don't kick them. Remember, they're dead. What are you gonna do with a dead horse? Nothing. You know why? Cuz it's f*cking DEAD.

 

 

The 30% came from someones reply, they went on to say in the end only 3% work out.

 

I agree, the horse for me, is dead... as I've said already on this thread. Read the whole thing darnit! ;p

[EmperorR]

Mine came back but I didn't want her anymore. I think that happens more times than not.

 

thats usually what happens, kind of like the forgetting sarah marsall movie, get cheated on dumped, as soon as oyu find someone new recover the ex tries to come back.

 

Sort of like my ex contactng me on our anniversary, im still waiting for her to call me one day but to late, i dont want her anymore

[CaliGuy]

I'm not really looking for a number to inspire hope; this is mostly out of idle curiosity. I'm 19 and while I know a ton of people, I don't know many who have say, been out of a serious relationship for 2+ years.

 

Anyways, my guess is maybe 1 in 10 dumpers come back at some point? Maybe not necessarily successfully, I would hope the dumpee would have moved on by that point, but I figure thats a fair number.

 

By coming back I mean, actually wanting their ex back, not necessarily calling them up to idly chat, or saying they miss their ex but not wanting a relationship.

 

On that note, who is more likely to ask for their ex back, gender wise? If men are meant to be the persuers, is it safe to assume men come back to the woman they've dumped more often than women, because they're interested in the hunt? Who knows.

 

I'm writing this thread because a) its interesting (kind of?) and b) I'm tired of writing threads related to me! Gosh! ;p

 

Any opinions are welcome!

 

Here's my theory.

 

Probably about 3 in every 100 come back.

 

Here's another oddity. For women, the outlook is fairly better. Men tend to make rash decisions without talking it out over and over with family. In other words, if they leave (especially on short notice), they'll come poking around when you've healed yourself and started to move on.

 

For men...well my dear brothers, YOU ARE SCREWED. Women take weeks nay months to make the agonizing decision to leave. And when they leave you, it's for good. The odds are extremely low that they'll come back. That is because they have a much larger support group for their decision. They've talked it over with friends, family members and yes, sometimes even strangers. When they finally pull the trigger, rest assured they are most likely done for good.

 

There are some rare occasions. I know that Foxh1234's ex left him on short notice and tried to come back. Good thing for him he kicked her to the curb

 

A better question I have for you is this: "Why give someone who doesn't appreciate you a second chance when someone who does hasn't had a FIRST chance?"

 

See what I am saying? The odds of a second chance working out are very slim. People have to make monumental changes and that takes time. Time that inevitably moves people apart. So even if you or they change, by that time you will have moved on and so will they.

 

The funny thing about second chances is, the less you want it, the greater the odds you'll get it.....

[Rafa]

Sometimes they do come back. In my current situation, that doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon, but it has happened to me in the past.

 

One point I want to make about LS. LS is not a perfect cross-section of the dating/relationship world. Most people who post in this section (myself included) are going through a painful breakup. There are many short-term posters, who use LS for a quick 'crutch' to help them through a hard time, and the support is incredible, there are many fantastic an helpful people here. It can restore your faith in human kind! However, when things are going really well for people, there is often no need to post or even return to LS, until life throws another lemon.

 

What I'm getting at is that there ARE success stories, but people are often too busy enjoying them and posting on LS is the last thing on their mind.

 

In my life I have been dumped 3 times, and I have been the dumper another 3 times (5 different long term relationships).

In the first instance, the girl cheated on me and left me for another guy (after 6 years). Her new relationship never worked out and she later told me that leaving me was the biggest mistake of her life.

By then I was with someone else. In that new relationship (the love of my life) I was dumped after about 4 years. A gap of a year or so went by (mostly NC), then we met up just once and she sent me an email saying she still loved me and wanted to try again. We got back together for two more years and then I dumped her.

 

Just an example... 2 out of 3 times in my life (66% - was 100% but I'm counting my current ex) the woman realized she'd made a mistake. So yes, SOMETIMES THEY DO COME BACK. In my current situation, who knows. It certainly doesn't feel like it.

As long as there was true love (sometimes hard to find) then there is a chance. I'm not saying wait for them. Definitely get on with your life and put it behind you.

The wheel turns. It turns very slowly, but often the tables are eventually turned... but sometimes it's just too late. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if my current ex realizes shes made a mistake in a year or so. I also wouldn't be surprised if she's happily dating someone else then too.

Myself, I went on a great date last night and the girl lives nearby and seems quite keen. I'm not waiting around for the ex (life's to short) but one thing I do know for sure - the future is not cast in stone.

[Sysyphus28]

Also, yours is a cheater and an incredibly looney b*tch. Your situation is a bit more unusual than many fox.

 

Its gonna get easier for all of us. I know it.

I can't wait.

[Just_dealin_with_it]

The truth of the matter is all relationships end in their own way. How much two people loved one another and the way a relationship ends has a lot to do with whether or not people find their way back to each other. Also, life after the breakup plays a huge role in this as well.

 

I once dated a girl for a about a year, she was the first girl I really fell for. I would have done anything for her, but she dragged me through the mud the whole time and ultimately left me for her ex who was doing the same to her. We did not speak for 2 years, but guess who came calling when she was finally done being someone else's doormat?

 

The point is, you never know! Sometimes it seems like these people we breakup with have completely forgotten about us, especially when they have moved on to someone else and you haven't. Since the grass is not always greener on the other side; sometimes they come back. No one should hope for this, but it does happen, even between people who had a terrible relationship.

 

The best route to take (IMHO and most on LC) is to focus on not wanting or needing your ex anymore while you are broken up. This way if they come back, you can make an objective decision to give it another try or kick them to the curb. I know this is a lot easier said than done. I'm going through a breakup now myself. She's with someone new, and it stings, but I've got to focus on other things, stay strong with NC, and just focus on feeling better being on my own. This way when I do meet someone great, I won't pass it up or screw it up with the hurt and pain I'm feeling now.

[Ingenue]

The truth of the matter is all relationships end in their own way. How much two people loved one another and the way a relationship ends has a lot to do with whether or not people find their way back to each other. Also, life after the breakup plays a huge role in this as well.

 

I think in many cases, how the relationship ended is a large determinant of whether the dumpee/dumper wants to give the ex another chance. If the demise of the relationship was so caustic and left a bitter taste, than the likelihood of a second chance is probably quite slim. Would you really want to even entertain the possibility of a second chance with an ex who left being an immature, selfish, self-centred, unkind [insert bad behaviour here] person?

 

There's certainly something to be said for being respectful and dignified in a breakup. But if both people leave the relationship with a sense of mutual respect (though wounded emotional ego) intact, there's presumably more chances for an ex who comes back. And more chances for friendship.

[sultry33]

.

Myself, I went on a great date last night and the girl lives nearby and seems quite keen. I'm not waiting around for the ex (life's to short) but one thing I do know for sure - the future is not cast in stone.

great news , you just got to get busy it helps.. talk soon xx

[orangehose]

 

A better question I have for you is this: "Why give someone who doesn't appreciate you a second chance when someone who does hasn't had a FIRST chance?"

 

 

Wise, wise words.

Really, it's better for you in the long run to NOT be with someone who believed they could do better than you.

[movingonandon]

I think that fishing for a general "frequency" with which "they" come back is not very helpful.

The truly important question is what are they motives to come back?

Is it just being sorry (that the grass on the other side didn't turn out to be greener after all), or did they truly recognised their priorities and what the relationship meant/should mean to them?

 

It's pretty hard to tell, but I think that's the key determinant of whether second chances work or not. if people get back together just to address the inevitable discomfort after a break up, things will inevitably fall apart.

if people get back together after the major issues are addressed (first individually and then jointly), then why not?

 

I'm currently faced with the same dilemma. My ex wants to come back, but I'm pretty sure that at this point this is just a narcissistic belief that she can make it work, once we put past "mistakes behind us". I still miss her, but unless she shows convincing ability to take responsibility for her feelings and actions, trying again will be the same disaster all over again. So the jury's out if this will work. It hinges on her particular actions/words.