I HATE days like this

[Island Girl]

So my husband calls unexpectedly which is great treat. :bunny:

 

Of course that is great and welcomed. But he is going through a gout attack and he hasn't gotten enough food lately so he was EXTREMELY CRANKY.

 

Well, I didn't have the greatest day either today so I was irritated already as well.

 

As the conversation goes on he was taking issue with my responses and I took issue with some of his so there were episodes of not getting along throughout the conversation.

 

Then both of us would try to start over and it would happen again.

 

Then we'd try again and it would go well -- then sh*t starts again.

 

The phone cut out several times so all of a sudden I couldn't hear him. So he'd call back and then blah blah blah phone cuts out. UGH!!!

 

Finally he confesses he is feeling really upset today and he misses me so much (which I understand of course because it is the same on my side). But he gets upset and cranky and takes it out on me like a child throwing a tantrum and then finally allows himself to be vulnerable and admit how bad it is.

 

I understand there are days when it is more difficult than others. I also understand he is in pain and hungry. But WHY does it take so much and so long for him to just finally admit what he is really feeling instead of taking it out on me? :mad::mad::mad:

 

I was irritated with my day too and I was short with him at times because of it but at least I told him up front how I was feeling.

 

This is when LD just completely BLOWS.

[Geishawhelk]

My partner actually used to pick verbal fisticuffs...

he's a volatile character with a hot temperament, and he angers easily. I guess you could say he goes to extremes....

Somethimes, he just needs a good ol'vent and yell to get rid oif pent-up energy....

 

But now I recognise the signs....

And I call his bluff.

I tell him "No, I'm not going to be your verbal punchbag, I know what you're doing.... you just want to have a good yell and you're picking an argument for the sake of it, so stop right there, because I'm not going to play....."

 

Learn to recognise the signs. Both of you. And both of you agree, that if you can see trouble ahead, you decide to halt the discussion there and then, until you feel a bit better.

Or you agree beforehand that it's ok to use each other as a yell-post, because it just gets rid of the frustration.....

 

if you're both mature enough (eventually) to admit where you crupped up, then hopefully you're both mature enough to find a workable solution.....

[j_hunt_12]

I can be that guy on the other end of things every now and then. I believe in is a direct effect of all the stress of an LDR in general. I've been with my GF a year now with most the time being in an LDR and I still think about her all the time. It is good in a way, but I also worry a lot for her and get jealous tons for absolutely no reason whatsoever sometimes. Add those worries onto a generally bad day and then call your GF, who is also not feeling that great, and you just have a bad combination of things. My advise would be to just learn how to recognise it and don't let them be unfair. I was being kind of obnoxious one day and my girl called me out on it. She just asked why I wanted to fight and told be to stop trying to cause a problem, then she told me to tell her why I was in such a bad mood. After that, I just kind of stopped because I was being unfair and realized it. It usually works, both ways around.

[Island Girl]

Thank you for you replies.

 

Sometimes we have bad days. It is just that way as it is in every relationship and we have been together sooooo long that we both understand that.

 

These days happen only occasionally (thank GAWD) and really I was just venting and hoping someone out there could relate.

 

The same thing happened the day before I left the last time I was there (our honeymoon). All day he was being a jackass. He completely ignored me when I would talk and then when pressed would give grumpy answers which were very short. I was still blissfully happy so while it was challenging it was okay.

 

That night when we were sitting outside listening to the waves and watching the Flying Foxes, I opened the conversation and he finally became softer and acknowledged he was just very upset that I was going to be leaving the next day. In anticipation of that he was just acting out. Too much in his own head and not looking forward to the tremendous pain of separation coming back again. There was a three year span in between when we had seen each other last and this trip when we were married. He just wasn't wanting to go back to that longing and loneliness again.

So it was addressed. And he knew he was being irrational and taking it out on me. I had known that entire day why he was being the way he was being that is why I chose my time to address it.

 

Here we are 26 months later. We haven't seen each other since and we don't know for sure when we will. It is difficult for both of us.

 

Every once in a while he just gets despondent, absolutely overwhelmed with missing me. He wants to talk to me but he is resentful of the distance and frustrated that he can't just be with me.

 

I get the same way.

 

Compound that with the pain from the gout (he had ignored his condition so long that now the attacks are in any joint in his body and usually more than one at once) with no pain medication and him being HUNGRY (which is the worst thing in the world for him - he LOVES his food let me tell ya!) and it came out AT me.

 

Generally only one of us is feeling the extreme of the LDR emotions and so the other one "down from the ledge" so to speak. We are both very good at that. We've had to be as our situation is extreme in comparison to most LDRs.

 

As I said this happens occasionally. There have been a handful of days like today. When we are BOTH feeling this way. It is hard to tell at first and just seems we are butting heads and then resolving it - then butting heads and resolving it - and then finally he gets the words out and admits what he is feeling. So then we talk about it and understand we are feeling the exact same things.

 

I wish I could just say "we aren't going to talk right now" or whatever but we speak so infrequently as it is with circumstances being what they are that we just try to muddle through it.

 

In the end it is the distance and time that just weighs on us occasionally. Some days, however infrequent they are, are just incredibly HARD.

 

This was one of those days for both of us. And I HATE them.

[JaydaLeah]

Hi Islandgirl,

 

you amaze me with your life account. It takes ALOT for two to stay together, let alone, being apart for so long. Kudos to you and your hubby! =) Im kinda new here but i have been reading up in this forum quite abit over the past weeks. I'm stepping into my 2nd week of a LDR with my bf of 6 months. Sometimes, i feel fear of what is to come, sometimes i know the only way to go about it is to stay positive and make it work. At the same time, im dreading quarrels which is inevitable in time to come. So far my bf and i have not quarrelled at all! =) I guess we r both amiable ppl in the first place so we usually talk it out nicely. Somehow, i know the day will come where we will fire and lash out at each other. Now with the distance between us, i am scared. He told me to wait for him and he'll be back in 2 yrs. I will, i said. But deep inside, i am apprehensive of the future. Coz i had experience b4 that many things in life are just way beyond our control.

 

But well, the stories here are encouraging (some demoralising though hehe) and i wish you all the best! You have hung on for 6 yrs, you both have substantial love and faith in each other to tie it through. Stay positive and strong! Hugs.