How does NC feel? (for those that have been doing it for awhile)

[alwayssme]

the question i always asked myself about NC was...does it truly help you heal and forget about the person? -OR- Does their absence make you miss them even more? (you know when you feel like you just HAVE to call them?

 

 

As in for our ex'es...(this question is tricky as only THEY would know the answer) but I'm really curious as to what does NC do for our ex'es? Does it help them forget us even MORE than they already have (lol) or does it make them miss our attention? or are they more like "FINALLY they got the point, im so glad she/he left me alone"

 

 

just curiousss

[northstar1]

the question i always asked myself about NC was...does it truly help you heal and forget about the person? -OR- Does their absence make you miss them even more? (you know when you feel like you just HAVE to call them?

 

 

As in for our ex'es...(this question is tricky as only THEY would know the answer) but I'm really curious as to what does NC do for our ex'es? Does it help them forget us even MORE than they already have (lol) or does it make them miss our attention? or are they more like "FINALLY they got the point, im so glad she/he left me alone"

 

 

just curiousss

 

NC ultimately will help you heal and move on, but it's a difficult thing to get through.

Cliche, but it really is like kicking a habit, or addiction. You want the attention from an ex, to know they still think of you. You just want a fix, thinking it will make you feel better. And as such, you can rationalize it in your head that you NEED to contact them. And if you get that 'fix' you might feel good for an hour or a day, but then you'll likely crash down hard when you don't get back what you seek.

 

As for the question on if an ex misses our attention, I think a lot do, but they've made the decision that has led to being apart. They may miss you, but it's a tradeoff they've decided they can live with. That's the tough thing about NC - the fear that if you aren't contacting them, they'll forget about you. But NC is for you, not them. IF they wanted you to be in their lives, they'd do something about it.

[alwayssme]

NC ultimately will help you heal and move on, but it's a difficult thing to get through.

Cliche, but it really is like kicking a habit, or addiction. You want the attention from an ex, to know they still think of you. You just want a fix, thinking it will make you feel better. And as such, you can rationalize it in your head that you NEED to contact them. And if you get that 'fix' you might feel good for an hour or a day, but then you'll likely crash down hard when you don't get back what you seek.

 

As for the question on if an ex misses our attention, I think a lot do, but they've made the decision that has led to being apart. They may miss you, but it's a tradeoff they've decided they can live with. That's the tough thing about NC - the fear that if you aren't contacting them, they'll forget about you. But NC is for you, not them. IF they wanted you to be in their lives, they'd do something about it.

 

 

well put. There is no other choise but to move on and accept that once you walk away, they won't follow you. That's what I was so afraid of for all this time but there is nothing more I can do.

[northstar1]

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well put. There is no other choise but to move on and accept that once you walk away, they won't follow you. That's what I was so afraid of for all this time but there is nothing more I can do.

 

The alternative is to sit in neutral, hoping they come back........meanwhile they are living their lives, and missing out on meeting someone new.

[Chinook]

I wrote this in the very first few days of NC. That was June 2007. 18 months ago now. I rarely if ever feel that depth of emotion about it anymore, although I'm not ready for another relationship yet. I haven't had any contact at all from my ex since we split... and I don't want it either. That last email he sent me, wishing me well... I didn't reply to. I couldn't. He'd dumped me and it didn't change. Also, after that post... I didn't really have the 'does he miss me' feelings. I didn't really want to know whether he missed me. I guess finding out later that I was cheated on, makes that part of it a little easier to deal with. The bond was severed and it took me a long time to heal it.

[kizik]

That's the tough thing about NC - the fear that if you aren't contacting them, they'll forget about you.

 

I understand this fear, but listen everyone, we don't need to worry about the ex forgetting about us. As Angel1111 has said many times, no one that you have spent THAT much time with and shared so many intimate moments with could physiologically forget about you. It's next to impossible. Just from an objective standpoint, there are too many constant reminders (movies, music, etc.) that we encounter every day to be able to forget about an ex.

 

Now, the difference is HOW you view the reminder. If things ended OK (as in, non-violently with few harsh words) as they did in my case, when nowadays my ex watches a movie she knows I like, she might think, "Oh, Josh likes this movie," instead of "That S.O.B. watched this all the time, I hate him."

 

I guess my point is that while I understand the "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" fear, I personally don't think it's an issue. Our ex-loves are ingrained into our psyches, and the same is true for dumper AND dumpee.

[alwayssme]

[quote=northstar1;1906949]The alternative is to sit in neutral, hoping they come back........meanwhile they are living their lives, and missing out on meeting someone new.

 

 

i didn't get what you meant...do you mean we're supposed to actually hope they come back? confusing.....lol sorry

[alwayssme]

I understand this fear, but listen everyone, we don't need to worry about the ex forgetting about us. As Angel1111 has said many times, no one that you have spent THAT much time with and shared so many intimate moments with could physiologically forget about you. It's next to impossible. Just from an objective standpoint, there are too many constant reminders (movies, music, etc.) that we encounter every day to be able to forget about an ex.

 

Now, the difference is HOW you view the reminder. If things ended OK (as in, non-violently with few harsh words) as they did in my case, when nowadays my ex watches a movie she knows I like, she might think, "Oh, Josh likes this movie," instead of "That S.O.B. watched this all the time, I hate him."

 

I guess my point is that while I understand the "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" fear, I personally don't think it's an issue. Our ex-loves are ingrained into our psyches, and the same is true for dumper AND dumpee.

 

 

yeah i understand that but it's different from both people.

if you're over someone and you see or hear something that reminds you of them, you're thinking "Aww, she liked that." but not necessarily hurting over it. And when you're still in love, and something reminds you of your ex, you're feeling hurt because you know it's just a memory and they're never coming back.

[kizik]

Right, please don't be so quick to dismiss what I'm saying here. Yes - reminders hurt. I was responding to something North wrote, and a popular idea that somehow memories and thoughts of exes just disappear, which I assure you they do not. Not sure why you are acting as if I am arguing with you.

[alwayssme]

Right, please don't be so quick to dismiss what I'm saying here. Yes - reminders hurt. I was responding to something North wrote, and a popular idea that somehow memories and thoughts of exes just disappear, which I assure you they do not. Not sure why you are acting as if I am arguing with you.

 

I'm not at all...I hope you're right. Lately he has told me things such as "i keep myself busy, i don't really think about us". He says things that are so hurtful, he made it sound like he really had forgotten about everything and that really hurt.

[kizik]

Well, your ex is being a total jerk, but you're being really stupid by continuing to be in contact with him! Why are giving someone a chance to be mean to you? One of the reasons for NC is to not give that person one more chance to hurt you.

[alwayssme]

Well, your ex is being a total jerk, but you're being really stupid by continuing to be in contact with him! Why are giving someone a chance to be mean to you? One of the reasons for NC is to not give that person one more chance to hurt you.

 

 

I kept in touch because we decided to stay friends, yet we were still seeing each other and when he would see me, he would hold me and kiss me and that made me think maybe he missed me. Also I couldn't believe what we had together was gone, we would talk and hang out and just recently I realized that he truly wants to start a life without me. I'm not going to stand in his way if that's what he wants. I made this thread because I wanted to get some advice from people who are going through this. Thanks!

[sultry33]

I kept in touch because we decided to stay friends, yet we were still seeing each other and when he would see me, he would hold me and kiss me and that made me think maybe he missed me. Also I couldn't believe what we had together was gone, we would talk and hang out and just recently I realized that he truly wants to start a life without me. I'm not going to stand in his way if that's what he wants. I made this thread because I wanted to get some advice from people who are going through this. Thanks!

 

Hi op

this contact will only delay your healing and help him get over you

I too was in this situation

We would meet up every couple of weeks he would say he still loved me, could not think of being with anyone else..would hold me like he always did

would even do the sweet things he did.

He would ask how i was..kids etc life.. say keep guys away

I was brave tried not to show that it was killin me inside when he dropped me off after we had been intimate.. for me it was as if he just needed time

 

Everything he said was telling me this..he would say **** like how come after all the time apart we still fitted together, thought the same things.. said he missed me so much so had to keep busy.

 

Then i see pic of him with another girl.. i enquire he says its not serious.. but then he is loosely interested:eek:

 

he said id always move on before him...

 

i decided then an there NO MORE

 

and now im 100% better without him..

 

He wont forget me as our parting really was not so bad.. when we was together it was real love i know this and we did almost everything together

 

but he has moved on..left me to my life and made a life without me

 

so i hope he is happy as i sure am..but it takes time

 

be good to yourself and start nc its tough but so worth it

hugs to you x

[northstar1]

I understand this fear, but listen everyone, we don't need to worry about the ex forgetting about us. As Angel1111 has said many times, no one that you have spent THAT much time with and shared so many intimate moments with could physiologically forget about you. It's next to impossible. Just from an objective standpoint, there are too many constant reminders (movies, music, etc.) that we encounter every day to be able to forget about an ex.

 

Now, the difference is HOW you view the reminder. If things ended OK (as in, non-violently with few harsh words) as they did in my case, when nowadays my ex watches a movie she knows I like, she might think, "Oh, Josh likes this movie," instead of "That S.O.B. watched this all the time, I hate him."

 

I guess my point is that while I understand the "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" fear, I personally don't think it's an issue. Our ex-loves are ingrained into our psyches, and the same is true for dumper AND dumpee.

 

Good point, you sir are wise.

[kizik]

Well, you're handsome, I'd rather be you.

[northstar1]

Well, you're handsome, I'd rather be you.

 

well, that made my day. if you were a girlie, and local, i'd be even happier.

[ahhhchooo]

For me it makes me feel lonely. That one person who promised never to let me down and always be there isn't.. and I can't blame it on her because I'm NC for the best. I'd probably be lonely either way. But being in contact with her makes me feel anxious and physically sick.

 

The hardest thing right now is forcing myself not to check anything. I know looking at any of her social networking sites and finding out information I don't need to would set me back a long way.

[fmlyhm]

It's been almost a year, he never tried to contact me. I know it is done, After 7 years, not even a good-bye. I know, he never thinks about me, I loved him, I think about him everyday, and I realized I don't know what he looks like anymore. NC might be for the best, cause all he wanted to do is hurt me anyhow. But it is a big blow to the ego and the heart.

[Hersheys]

But being in contact with her makes me feel anxious and physically sick.

 

Main reason why I'm in NC plus I don't want to worry (like a crazy person) anymore about what my ex is up to.

[openbook08]

He is, for all practical purposes, a stranger to me. He is with someone else; he ended things very badly with me and our relationship wasn't as rosy as I liked to think it was anyway.

 

I miss the person I dated for a year, but that person is long gone. And I was painting him with a rose-colored brush anyway... he would have been a terrible life partner for me. My job now is to come to really deeply believe that in my bones.

 

snap! sunshinegirl.

 

 

NC is hard...and crushing at times but I truly believe it is for the best!

when my ex wanted a "break" I gave him just that totally & completely no contact..within hours hed found an excuse to call me. then 2wks later dumped me by text (after nearly 5yrs).

 

I didnt respond. he didnt deserve it. and sure enough he started ringing again. I answered we met up ... and we were back in touch NOT A GOOD IDEA cos in his head we were broken up. In my head this was his (I see now a pathetic) attempt at winning me back! (cringe..) mixed msgs kisses..not worth it.

 

so I wrote him a letter explained Id no bad feelings towards him but that we couldnt be friends & I wished him all the best & to please not contact me. and he did about 2wks later & this was the dance I did for the whole Summer...until I let him break my heart again... thought I was rid for good this time but no he kept comin back..fonecalls,emails bein sweet..until I found out hed a new girlf & had so for about a month so this time I had ENOUGH..changed my no. deleted him off Facebook blocked his emails...we live in the same town but Ive changed my social habits completely (this town is a hole anyway so Ill never meet any1 here so thats a good thing!! plus Im seeing more of my beautiful country!!) AND he still wrote me a letter!! anyway Im strong enough now to have told my Mam.. read it if u think I need to hear something tell me & then burn it. She did & just said nothin of interest to you.

 

So what Im trying to say is (oh oh gonna get in trouble for bein long winded again!!) make no contact MEAN no contact I see now if he really wanted me back he shouldve been moving mountains & a ego boost of a fonecall& a few texts here&there wouldve been the last thing on his mind. If only I hadnt let him pull my strings all Summer Id be 5months away from it all now.

 

It is hard & you do feel like youve reversed if you bump into them or see a foto or hear news of them but each time it gets easier to get over.

great support here anyway

 

ps DEFINITELY dont bother yourself w social networking sites! itll drive you mad. after deleting him off facebook I actually deleted my account. best thing I ever did. I also know his email & fbook passwords & u know what? i DONT check them (have to say I did originally & it did me no good seeing hes now in a rship with her name where mine used be) NC is very empowering and we're all stronger than we think. trust me had you told me this was my path a year ago I wouldve told you I prob wouldnt have been able to see it through. thats the Gods honest truth. and guess what? Im here and Im OK!

[MichiganMan222]

NC is a mountain between you standing in ice cold weather with a bathing suit on and a tropical beach. You can choose to go through physical pain and freeze your azz off even more by climbing the mountain and getting to the other side, or you can just stay on the cold side and suffer endlessly.

 

If you start to climb, each time you make contact, a mountain goat slams you right back down.

 

Keep climbing everyone. I'm about at the top and have a tray full of margaritas waiting for all of you. Don't get left behind. Don't stand there and shiver your life away while we are all on the beach laughing it up and meeting new people.

 

No pain, no gain.

[sedgwick]

Honestly, it hasn't helped me much. I still love him just like I did when he left 16 months ago. But at least I don't make things worse by talking to him, and that's the point of NC for me.