he wants to get back together after atwo month break

[Lizzyb6938]

My boyfriend and I have been together 2.5 years. We are now on a break which he suggested. When he suggested it though he was crying and crying. He NEVER cries, not even when his grandfather and his dog died. He told me he loves me so much and didn't want to loose me but that he was going through stress (thesis due, medicine interview etc), then he's going away to Europe for a month and couldn't be the boyfriend I deserved right now. He said he just wants to be alone.

 

He wants to get back together in January when he comes home. He said he was really confused about his life and everything and doesn't want to drag me down with him. He also told me that it was partLy self defence because I told him a few times that I wasn't sure about us (which I really didn't ever mean). He told me he didn't want to see other people because he was pushing away the thing that made him the happiest in the world right now and some trash wasn't going to cut it. He also doesn't want me to see other people. He just needs space to get all these things done.

 

I said that I would wait for him to sort himself out and he told me I was wonderful and that I didn't deserve him and that he loved me so much and was really sorry. It kind of caught me off guard because Matt has been the most unconfusing guy I've ever met. For two and half years he's treated me like a total princess and we've really had very few problems. We're both just at turning points in our lives atm. We're finishing uni, he's trying to get into medicine and I'm trying to get a job/ contemplating further study.

 

I think that I should go for the non contact thing but he's been messaging a bit and I don't just want to say go away. I also want to see him once before he goes away but I'm not sure if that is a good idea either. I feel like it's partly my fault as well because I pushed him away a bit because i was stressed about other things. I just miss him heaps. I think I'll just respond when he messages/ call me but only write back after a couple of hours and only speak to him for ten minutes when he calls.

 

I don't know if this will ruin us or make things better. He's been the most wonderful bf and we've just had so much fun together.

[Danielle46]

Hello there...I actually went through a very similar situation not too long ago with my boyfriend... my original post can be found on the site somewhere explaining everything...however here's what happened with me....

 

My boyfriend was also under an immense amount of stress (we have been together a little over 4.5 years) soo like you two, we have a lot to be thankful for together and we basically grew up together. Anyway, back to the stress, he was having a hard time in school (he's trying to graduate this semester), in addition to that his dad lost his job b/c of the whole economy crisis, among a few other extraneous issues. We didn't have any problems in terms of our relationship, also similar to you... Yet he still felt he needed a "break" to kind of take time to sort through the mess in his head and life.

 

Well we did just that....he said the same things to me, your boyfriend said to you, and it was just as difficult for him as well.... but we gave it shot b/c there wasn't much else we could do....well I decided that on my end of the deal I was NOT going to contact him, if he said he needed time and space, thats what I wanted to give him. And rather than sitting at home or doing nothing, I made plans with my closest friends and family to help pass the time, because I know the hours can seem very long without him there...

 

Well a little over 2 weeks into the break....he realized that it was much harder on him to be without me than it was to be with me...so we have since worked things out and are back together. Sometimes, men get a little overwhelmed by emotions and feelings, in addition to stress, and they can't really handle it all as well as women can. So, in essence, he probably just needs a little time to be by himself and think about everything....he'll come around especially if he loves you the way he says he does, which I'm sure he does, cause men usually mean it when they express it in such a way.

 

If the love the two of you have for each other is as strong as it seems to me, you will be able to take this break and make it all worth it in the end. It could be the frosting on the cake of your relationship... this could bring the two of you closer and stronger than ever.

 

My advice would be to hope for the best but not fill your mind with high expectations. Try your best to go about your life, do the things you need to do, and have fun with your girl friends. Make plans to go out and do stuff...don't just sit home and sulk in the moment thinking about him... this will only make the time pass much slower and be more painful to endure. Like I said, not every break is a bad thing, sometimes it's the best thing two people can do for their relationship.

 

I hope my story and my little piece of advice can help you. I also wish you nothing but the best! I know how difficult this is and how confusing it can be, but if you can remind yourself that you are strong everyday, you will make it through.. that I can promise.

 

Best of luck with everything!! =) Im sure it will be perfectly fine in the end...

 

Remember: Everything happens for a reason! (<--- Very, very true!)

[Lizzyb6938]

thanks so much. I actually read your post in that other thread and decided from yours that that is what i would do. It's so hard and he seems so confused. All i want to do is give him a big hug and tell him that it will be alright but I know that backing off right now is the best idea. it's so hard seeing those you care about i such a state and we as females just want to be there and help. But i think men like taking care of things themselves, solving the problems without any interference. I've been praying for him that he comes out of it, not necessarily for myself but for him because i think he is going through alot. I am keeping myself busy, going out tonight with my uni friends and trying to concentrate on work. Do you think that I should see him before he goes away or do you think that that would be a bad idea?

 

I read this post and it sounds exactly what he was trying to say to me

 

I recently told the girl I love and have been with for three years that I need to "take a break." I realized that she might be hurt and confused and so it was difficult to ask for space. What I didn't realize was how hurt and confused I'd still be.

 

I guess I thought there would be some sort of clarity after telling her, since I'd been thinking about making such a decision for a couple of months now. I thought perhaps I'd feel relieved. But there's none of that. Instead I feel empty, lost, and hurt, and I miss her.

 

I really wish I wasn't so confused. Am I fooling myself? Is a break just an inevitable break-up? She's wonderful and has done nothing wrong in the relationship. I just feel like I have lost myself somewhere, and do not have anything to give to her during this confusing time of my life. She wants to be there for me during this, but I just feel like I'm not giving her anything and would rather not drag her down with me right now, b/c I know she feels insignificant when I'm in this state of mind.

 

So I guess my question is what does a break mean? Can it realistically happen? I feel like I can lose her forever by doing this, but also feel like I can lose her forever if I don't (if that makes any sense). Any insights or experiences on this subject would be appreciated.

 

I think that's exactly what he was telling me, it made me understand it more :-)

[Danielle46]

Well to respond to your first question, concerning seeing him before he leaves, I dont necessarily think that's a bad idea...but also at the same time, maybe don't make it like an actual full blown date or anything...

 

Maybe say something to the effect that you would like to be able to see him, even if it's just for 5 minutes, before he leaves...if he loves you like he says he does, he will probably want to see you as well before he leaves.

 

Men have a hard time, like I said, dealing with stress topped off with emotions...they cave under such pressure. He may even realize prior to leaving that he doesn't want to leave knowing that he's risking losing you during the time he's gone. Because, essentially, that's what he is doing ( and what my boyfriend did as well )...they ARE in essence risking the loss of us...but they come to realize that they dont want that risk and that's what makes them re-think things.

 

Sometimes it just takes them a little time to work through and understand their feelings...space is just what they need...I wanted to do the same thing for my boyfriend when he was going through all the stress...in terms of being there to hug him, and work with him to help it through it, but ultimately he just wanted time "alone"...just to take time to relax by himself, without fear that he was hurting me by not seeing me in the process. They tend to feel guilty when things change and they feel like they're letting us down when they can't physically see us like they used to be able too...

 

But like my boyfriend ended up telling me... he said that even though he probably couldnt see me as much as he could before, he needed me in his life and needed to see me even if it had to be less...he basically told me that he couldn't be without me...

 

But it also took him almost 3 weeks to come to that realization... but I truly think the only reason that he DID come to it is because I gave him a real feel for life without me..in terms of going NO contact on my end...I wasn't at his beckon call & that probably made him think a little... like, if thats really what he wanted and how he wanted things to be..?

 

I think that if you grant him this time & space, as hard as it is, it will pay off. Believe me, I spent many nights crying myself to sleep & wondering when everything would change... but as time passes, you begin to feel yourself becoming stronger and becoming more capable of dealing with the situation. You actually learn through the process that no matter what happens, good bad or the other thing, you CAN survive either way (although you prefer to survive with him by your side), I promise that you can without him as well..

 

You may even learn things about yourself that may have contributed to some "bad" moments in your relationship...like you can take the time to reflect on what kind of a girlfriend you are, and make changes in yourself to better yourself. It's hard to self-critique but you're the ONLY one who can promote a change in you...no one else can..not even him. There are some things about myself that I have changed since taking the break from my boyfriend and I think that since changing those things, we have been even closer than ever before...and I've noticed some changes in him as well. Self reflection is a great thing....so try to do that during this time as well, because I'm sure he is also.

 

It's good to know you're making plans with friends to go out and do things...that's the best medicine during a time like this...it will prove to be incredibly helpful in the end.

 

Your situation seems so similar to mine that I feel like your outcome may also be the same....I cannot say for sure b/c it's impossible to fully convey everything about your relationship on a website, but in terms of seeing how you describe your love for one another, it seems plausible that it can work out.

 

Again, best of luck! Keep us posted! Ill check back often if you need to talk! =)

[Lizzyb6938]

he's been messaging me and I've been doing what you did. Basically waiting for a little while and then replying in a nice way but keeping it short. His thesis is due in tomorrow so basically he'll just be at home by himself for like a week doing nothing. I think then he will hopefully start to realise. I agree about maybe seeing him for like an hour or even half an hour. A full day of it might be a bit much. Kind of like reminding him what he's leaving and then going.

 

I've been really beating myself up as well. I didn't tell you that there were other factors inolved. Like the whole reason this started was because he was stressed but also because I was stressed and was taking it out on him. Basically i threatened to leave a couple of times and I really hurt him. One of the reasons why he said he wanted to be alone was because of self defense because he was scared I was going to leave him during this time while he couldn't be a good bf to me.

 

So giving him space is a good idea because that's what he asked but I want to show him that I'm not going anywhere and he doesn't have to worry. I was thinking of writing a letter saying that I love him and we've both made alot of mistakes and when he comes home lets just start afresh. that i respect his need for space and I'm going to spend this time looking at myself, having fun with the girls and missing him like crazy. I was thinking of giving it to him if/when i see him before he goes away. Do you think this is a good idea or do you think I should just leave it?

 

There's also photos of myself on facebook over the weekend having lots of fun out with the girls, and some boys (just friends from uni, but he doesn't know them). I really paranoid he's going to see them and think I've moved on which is what he was scared I was going to do.

 

Argh this sucks! I'm really lucky I have such great friends that have been taking my mind off things. But when I'm alone it's TORTURE!!! lol

 

you've been so helpful, thanks so much!

[Lizzyb6938]

By the way what did you do when he called? Like did you just keep it really short, not talk about you guys? coz i'm pretty sure he'll call monday or tuesday after it's all over. I don't know how to act lol

[SarahRose]

Have you considered the reason he wanted to break up while on vacation is because he wants to see others girls while gone and not feel guilty about cheating on you?

[Danielle46]

Okay well, here goes:

 

The whole thing about writing him a letter: Personally I wouldn't do that...but that's just me. I would leave the whole thing open and allow him to make the move toward getting back with me...I would give it some time before I started appologizing for threatening a break up...that's a mistake a lot of people make in a relationship with the thought that if they do that, it'll scare them into staying with you...but as you found out, it's the complete opposite...it just scares them into not wanting to be hurt & doing what they can to avoid it.

 

As for the pictures: It was innocent fun...I also went out while we were apart & had my own fun... I didn't tell him all the details when he asked but I kept it very simple and just explained I went out with some of my girl friends and had a nice time. Not including details will make him think about you, possibly being with someone else, and if he cares for you THAT much, he'll make a solid effort to let you know. Remember: By letting you go, he's risking losing you...even though the two of you may not "want" to see other people, you both have to realize that by him breaking it off with you, it's a risk he willing to take. Not to say it's going to happen on either end, but let's be real here...no one can wait forever for one particular person...whatever is meant to happen, will.

 

I know it's super difficult being alone... I had several down times when I was by myself as well... something I did to help me cope, was write. I wrote everyday, sometimes more than once, just whenever I was feeling down...I know it seems very weird but for some reason it worked for me. I would also remind myself of the good points of our relationship while writing so that I could read it back to myself & realize that not everything is completely bad. I slowly began to write on good days as well then, in the event of a bad day, I could re-read the "good" entry and it would help me cope.

 

When he would call me: I kept it very simple...just asked how he was doing, how school was coming along, and how his family was. We kept the conversation very platonic, as if we were just old friends. And as bad as I wanted to question him about us and find out how he was feeling concerning us ever being back together, I think that by not doing so, he began to question his decision a little quicker...since I held back from prying into his emotions.

 

And a quick comment to SarahRose's comment:

 

Personally, I don't think that's the only reason he would have broken up with her. If he is a decent guy, which she makes him out to be, then I think he would have the decency to just tell her, plain & simple, that he wanted to possibly see other people & see where that took him. It doesn't mean that he or she WONT ever see anyone else during their time apart, but I don't think it's fair to say that that was his only motive. If they were honest throughout their relationship then I'm sure he would have been honest with her if that was part of the equation for him.

 

Like I said, since we do not know what the future holds, the opportunities are there on both ends...but I don't think that consciously that was his one & only motive and he just used a "story" to cover for it.

 

Lizzyb: Hopefully everything can work out... just a little bit to keep in mind...sometimes people can give out negative advice b/c they don't want to think that relationships can work after a break... although they don't always work, that doesn't mean they absolutely can't. I received quite a bit of negative feedback from people on here but I still kept what I felt in my heart at the top! No one can predict what's going to happen, and only YOU know your situation well enough to interpret the advice in a way to benefit you...and to select which people really have a sense of what's going on or just being negative b/c they endured a bad break up and are now pessimistic to everyone else's issues.

 

There are definitely people out there who give great advice and also people who make good points, even though they may not be what you want to hear...you have to think thoroughly about all the stuff you are told & determine what works best in your particular case!

 

Keep your head up & I'll check back with you soon! =)

 

Stay strong & try to keep positive...I promise it works wonders!

[Lizzyb6938]

ofcourse I have. I worry about it all the time. But he said he didn't want to see, kiss, do anything with other people and he didn't want me to either. But I know what you mean.

[Lizzyb6938]

Yeah I think it's best to not talk about us for a while, just keep it about general stuff and short when we talk on the phone. Btw he is an incredibly decent guy- and trust me I can spot the *******s. He's been a wonderful bf and a wonderful friend and has never been anything but honest with me. I really do trust him because he's never ever given me a reason not to trust him for 2.5 years. He's never said anything that he's hasn't followed through with. By the way I've asked him throughout the year if he wants to have a break whilst he's overseas to see what's out there etc and everytime he said no I don't want to I don't have any desire to hook up with other people and I certainly don't want you to.

 

Writing everything down might be a good idea. I already wrote the letter I was going to send him and found it very katahrtic. I might not send it to him, I've already said I was sorry for saying those things and maybe bringing it up all over again might not be a good idea.

 

Everyone keeps telling me how much he loves me and all the wonderful things he's told them about me and us and that its not the end. People have told me you should see the way he looks at you, everyone notices, because he's so in love with you.

 

The fact that he was a total mess when he asked for a break speaks volumes to me as well. He never cries and he totally broke down, I'd never seen anything like it.I honestly do believe that it will work out, we've had the most wonderful relationship and maybe time apart will make us both realise how stupid it would be to sacrifice something that's made us both happy for a very long time.

 

I'll keep you updated

[Danielle46]

I really think that time will definitely help the both of you... and my boyfriend was the same way when he told me he wanted a break... I had been to funerals, weddings, through thick & thin with him and he never got upset enough to become as emotional as he was on the day he broke the news to me...therefore, I know what you mean by that "speaking volume" to you... I felt the same way.

 

Just keep those kinds of things in mind and write about them so you can go back & read them in a moment of weakness. My boyfriend also told me it wasn't "the end" of us either so keep that in mind as well.... Staying positive is key...however, do NOT develop expectations! Keep your thoughts positive but don't try to predict the future and drown yourself in emotions when things don't happen the way you thought they were going too... you know what I mean?

 

I know it sounds confusing...trying to think positive but at the same time not be filling your mind with the notion that everything will absolutely, without a doubt, be okay.... I had moments where I felt like it was just over...but then I would remind myself that there was a real CHANCE that everything could work out..

 

Honestly, like people told me...for the given situation, you have the best case scenario! He didn't cheat, he didn't say he was completely done with you, your family isn't against him, his isn't against you, you have immense love for one another, you have built your relationship on a foundation of trust & honesty, you have grown together and he isn't completely shutting you out & telling you to just do your best to move on...all of these things are a bright side to focus on...but notice none of them are saying..."we will get back together"..."if I give it ONE week, he'll contact me"....or "If he doesnt call me within 5 days of not speaking, then it's over.."-- dont try to predict time or what will happen a week from now, or even what will happen tomorrow. Every single day can bring changes...unexpected changes, some for the best and some for the worst, but let alone, changes...Just live each day as it comes & see what happens... it will become easier to cope with such a way of life. (& at the same time, give him time to think about everything & see how he feels about it)

[Lizzyb6938]

Yeah I've had friends break up recentley with their boyfriends, but they said things like I don't love you anymore, I want to be single, I just don't feel the same way. He never said anything like that.

 

Yeah I'm not going to think it's absolutely going to work out, I think that would be stupid, but I will just think that he wants to be together in January, he still loves me and keeps contacting me, he says he can't see himself with anyone else etc. Just keep positive but just think that it could work out but I just have to keep going with other things.

 

I do feel like I need to give him some assurance though, because afterall I hurt him really badly and made him think that I was going to leave all the time. Maybe if I just say love you before I hang up, so he knows I still care but still maintaining my distance with the possibility that I could move on. He normally says it anyways, so I'll just say it too. I just think completely distancing myself might reaffirm what he was worried about. The difference between your situation and mine is that you did nothing wrong, and I said really stupid things which pushed him away. I agree about waiting til he calls me and giving him his space but I don't want him to think that I'm pushing him away again.

 

By the way, how are things with your bf and you now?

[Danielle46]

I do understand your concern...and there is nothing wrong with telling him you love him, especially if he says it first...I just woulnd't be overwhelming with it, you know what I mean.

 

And at least, if nothing else, you have definitely learned to respect your relationship and not take it for granted... so Im sure after this is said and done, you won't say things like threatening to break up with him again...which is a good thing. In a way, it's allowed you to grow as well and realize the mistakes you made so that you can correct those, not only for him, but for any relationship you are ever in.

 

Things between me and my boyfriend are going well...We dont get to see each other as often as we used too but it's working out well...we both need time right now to work on school stuff since we're both very into our education, soo we make sure to take time out for that. However, I can tell, especially with him, that he has a new appreciation for me and our relationship as a whole..just by the way he acts. The time we spend together is also of quality, which is important. Before he felt so damn guilty if he needed time for homework and couldn't see me...but now he's realized that Im perfectly okay with that and I can deal with it...as long as the time we do spend together is good quality time. So overall, things are looking good... we have yet to spend a lot of time just the two of us, because with the Halloween holiday we were busy planning parties and throwing them so that kind of took up time...it was totally enjoyable spending all that time with our friends but I'm definitely looking forward to spending one on one time with him soon.

Thanks for asking by the way =)

 

How are you holding up overall with everything?

[Lizzyb6938]

I'm alright, I have my ups and downs. Most of the time I'm ok and am just keeping myself busy, other times I miss him like crazy. Somtimes I wonder whether distance will make the heart grow fonder or whether he'll just forget about me. Because we've got another 2 months to go. I think i need to see him for just an hour just to remind him, because it's a really long time.

 

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I miss my bestfriend. I miss finding out his day, telling him about mine etc. I do stupid things and I think I can't wait to tell Matt that and then I realise that I most likely wont. It just basically sucks. I think it might have been hard for him to miss me alot because he's been so busy with thesis but now it's over and he has like a week at home doing not much I think he might realise more.

 

It just seems really stupid- he loves me, cares about me, wants to be with me and doesn't ever want to let me go- but he is to a certain extent. If you told me this would happen a month ago when we were having a really nice dinner for our 2.5 year anniversary, him talking about going away together next year and that he couldn't see an end to us I would never of believed you. We were so happy for so long and just made one another smile. It was never one of those really serious relationships, we loved seeing our friends too. It was just something to look forward to, something that brightened one anothers weeks, something that made us happy. Even after the break conversation he wrote me a message saying 'I love you. I can't wait to hear your voice. I hate myself right now. Sweet dreams my beautiful pumpkin (his nickname for me).'

 

I hope he's thinking about those sorts of things just like I am. It was just a short time ago.

 

btw i know I'm not supposed to contact him but last night i just wrote a quick message saying 'you finished your thesis today- congrats night '

thought it would just be nice because he's been struggling all year with it which is why he's been so stressed. Other than that he's been making all the contact.

 

Good to hear about you guys. Yeah next year he'll be doing medicine so we might not be able to spend that much time together either (what I'm predicting, not what he's saying) but as long as it's some I don't care.

 

Every night I pray that he's alright (because I've never seen him so distraught as the night we started the break), that I'll be alright and that this will turn out. I mean I'll survive and I know I'll be fine. But I want better than just fine.

 

I can't even begin to describe what we've had and the way I know he has felt about me. During the break conversation I was crying and he was crying and I said lets go out into the sun to just do something else and he said 'I'm already looking at it.' I don't even know why I said those stupid things. Whenver I saw him he would say he loved me and that I was pretty or sexy or beautiful. He would say things like 'yeah she's alright, but she's no lizzy.' None of that ever stopped. He would hold my hand everywhere- in the car, when we were out, even just to walk around the house and walk up the stairs. He loved me so much- I think he was scared of how much because I kept hurting him.

 

When we went on the break I said 'don't cry babe I love you.' He said 'I love you so much more' and I said 'no you don't' and he said 'yeah I do you have no idea.' His friends used to tell me that whenver he spoke to me his face would just light up and that they'd never seen him so happy. When we were at a party just a month ago, he would always look across the room to where I was talking with some of his friends and mouth I love you. He would write it into the steam on the shower wall. After 2.5 years we were still so crazy about one another. We just brought out the best in each other. I took everything for granted and now i'm miserable.

 

Wow I think that was my writing for the day lol. It's just so hard to go from that to this. I wish I hadn't hurt him, none of this would have happened and I feel like I might be losing the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

Sorry for writing so much!

[Danielle46]

Well, like I said, I don't fully know, nor can anyone else, your entire situation...If you feel like you need to clear the air before giving him space then that is completely up to you. If he's finished with his thesis then maybe having this excess time will help him to realize what he's missing. Since he's been kept busy with other things, he probably hasn't really gotten a good chance to think about everything...but now that he has some spare time to spend thinking, you never know what could happen.

 

It seems that you guys have a great bond together...and it's great that after 2.5 years you're still that way...it's important to keep your relationship exciting because as each year passes you don't want either of you to drop into a routine...I've been with my b/f for almost 5 years and we've kept it going great the whole time... everyone has their down time, but it shouldn't interfere with the relationship to the extent that it diminishes it.

 

So it's good to know, you keep it going! I'm sure that you've learned from your mistakes, you have obviously taken the first step: recognizing what they are...now you can do your best to change them.

 

I know how difficult this is and how you probably sit and wait for him to call/text/email you, what have you, and you die every moment to hear the words "I love you" come from his mouth...I know how much that's needed for reassurance on your behalf. And I also know you pray everyday that today will be the day that he tells you that he made a mistake & wants to work things out... I was the same way...and Im sure within time, it will happen for you as well.

 

I mean, it took my boyfriend almost 3 weeks before he came to the full on realization that the decision that he made, wasn't working for him...and although to me, 3 weeks seemed like forever, it wasn't really all that long compared to how long other people have gone on breaks for...so I know the days seem like years...and the minutes like hours..

 

You just have to keep those positive thoughts in your mind.. Re-read your last post to yourself when you're feeling down, because within it, you included a lot of great points about your relationship...and how connected and commited you both are. I know it's weird to think about how great things were just a couple weeks ago and now how everything has seemed to have fallen apart...I was also blindsighted by the decision....

 

At least you can have the security of knowing that you're not alone in this type of situation...it's actually very common and it's not impossible for things to work out just fine. This may even allow both of you to truly grow on your own and when you get back together you'll both have a totally new appreciation for each other and for your relationship together...he will become even more of a best friend and companion to you, and you to him.

 

I know this all seems "stupid"...I thought the same thing when my b/f told me what he wanted to do... it seemed soo weird that he told me he loved me & didn't want to be with anyone else etc. yet he wanted to take a break....it's confusing as hell...I know that, but at the same time, it's important to know and understand that if he is going through some really stressful emotions, men can't handle them as well and as efficient as women can...sometimes they just need to shut down & be alone until they can tackle & overcome those emotions.

 

Im sure this is JUST as hard on him as it is on you...I doubted how my b/f felt as well...I kept thinking to myself "maybe he is just moving on & forgetting me..." but I quickly learned that was wrong of me to think that....You know how much he loves you...he has expressed that to you both explicitly and implicitly...so you have to keep in mind that this is probably eating him alive in the same manner it is you...but he may take a little longer to express it.

 

Only you know what would work best for your given situation...all I can do is offer advice & tell you how I handled my situation...but if you think contacting him would be better or maybe discussing some things with him would be better, then do whatever you feel is best. I just know that all men truly appreciate a strong, understanding woman, who doesn't have to be clingy...yet they still know you love & adore them!

 

--And dont worry about writing a lot...I, of all people, should know how relaxing it can be and how it can help release some of the oncoming emotions...so feel free...I tend to write a lot also, so we're even! =)

 

Stay strong, I know you can!

[Lizzyb6938]

I don't think contacting him is necessarily a good idea. I'm still gonna let him come to me because he wanted alone time. But I think assurance is a good idea when he does contact me just coz of the reasons why were on a break. Just something little like love you or something. Last night like I said i messaged him for the first time in two weeks (he's done all the contacting since the break) just to say congrats on finishing the thesis because i've been with him through it all year and it was nice, like I said. He wrote back saying he was relieved and asked how my assignments were going I just wrote back saying 'they're alright, bit sick of them. miss you x.' Now I'm totally leaving it up to him and not initiating contact anymore.

 

I even think maybe no contact while hes in Europe is a good idea. Just so he doesn't feel pressured and I don't have to wait wondering when he's going to contact. I've heard breaks are the best when there's no contact because you can think about things unclouded. I think it might be a good idea when he's away. What do you think? I think it would help me to survive better.

[Lizzyb6938]

I'm a bit worried as well because on my facebook there's this guy who asked me 'hey lizzy, long time no speak, did you call me this arvo?' i actually did because I accidentally called the wrong person a couple of days ago. That coupled with pics of me having a blast on friday night and I don't know. I know it was innocent fun but I mean if I'd seen both of those things together I would have been a little upset, particularly if I were distancing myself because I was insecure about the relationship. I know he's been looking at my facebook too because he wrote a comment on one of the pics saying 'looks like fun.' Thoughts?

[Danielle46]

I think it was totally okay for you to congratulate him on the completion of his thesis... it's fine if the communication doesn't include you groveling at his feet...I see no problem with that. And yes, I think you're also right to go about with the No Contact thing b/c essentially he did ask for "time" and "space", so giving that to him is the right thing to do.

 

As for the whole Europe situation...do you mind my asking why he is going? Is it to sudy abroad? Vacation time? Cause maybe I could give better advice knowing the circumstances for the trip.

 

Either way though, do whatever would make you feel most comfortable. Personally, I would need to just go no contact simply because it would make it easier for me to cope not thinking about the next time I would speak to him...but that's really up to you...and maybe once I know the reason for the trip, I can give a little better, more detailed, thought on what I would do. But on a broad scope, that's my response to that.

 

As for the whole going out, having fun night....I myself did something similar...I cant remember if I told you this or not but...2 weekends ago, when we were still on break, my friend and I went down to Beach Place, which is basically an area on the beach where there's shops/restaurants/bars and also a hotel behind Beach Place. Well we got the hotel for the weekend b/c we had planned a girls weekend. We went to dinner at this one restaurant and then went to the nightclub/bar connected to it. We had a blast and I also took pictures of the weekend...granted there weren't any men involved but my b/f didn't know this. He actually didn't even see the pictures first...but he texted me the following week and asked how my weekend was...and I told him about the beach, the hotel, and our night at the club/bar...his first response was "Oh so you guys went with some guys?"....he was already crapping his pants just knowing that I went out & did something, and was actually capable of having fun with or without him by my side. I of course, told him NO b/c there wasn't any...strictly a GIRLS weekend. But he was dwelling on the issue anyway...I tried to change the conversation and asked him "So how are your classes coming along?"...but again he changed the subject and then asked me "Soo then nothing new with you, regarding guys?"....once again, he is driving himself crazy thinking about me with other people, specficially men....But i reassured him that it was all innocent girls weekend fun and that HE was the one I loved....I really think that whole situation scared him into realizing just how much he loved me & wanted to be with me b/c the next thing I knew he was telling me that he couldnt be without me and needed me and wanted to see me even if it couldnt be as often as it was prior.

 

I don't think it would have taken him too long to come around but I think the fact that I was out having fun, gave him the kick in the ass that he needed to come to the realization quicker that he truly wanted me back in his life. By your b/f saying "looks like fun"...he was probably thinking and doing something similar to what my boyfriend did...he's probably crapping himself & wondering what you've been doing and who you've been hanging out with...but keep in mind: This was HIS decision and he is the one who needs to figure out what HE wants to do....we all know your position...which is the same as mine was..you want to be with him...plain & simple, he is the confused one so he's the one that needs to take this time to really think things over.

 

It seems to me that your b/f, Im not going to say "ex" b/c I really dont think you guys are officially at that point...I really dont...but anyway, like I was saying, it seems to me that he really does love & cherish you...maybe he just feels bad, like my b/f did, about not being able to dedicate the time to you he would be able to, if he wasn't going to Europe. It's possible too, (something you may not want to hear, but still an option), that through the threats to part from him (which we both know, you didnt mean) he feels a little apprehensive about being so far from you for so long that he possibly went into protective/defensive mode and just decided maybe you should be on a break during that time...that way he doesn't have to think to himself that you may meet someone while you're still fully commited and then he gets dumped on the ground while away...which I know, and you know, wouldn't happen, because you obviously care loads and loads for him, but that just MAY be a way he's feeling...Not saying it is, but just throwing it out there.

 

If you do want to reassure him, then that is completely up to you and in your hands...I don't know how messed up things were in terms of the reasons you're on break but if you feel like you need to clear the air in order for everything to be okay, then that's all for you to decide.

 

I understand it's probably killing you to think of him being away for so long and Im sure the past few weeks have been a living hell...I remember far too well what the pain feels like...however, as time passes, you will become stronger & more able to deal with everything. It feels impossible now, but it does happen!

 

But yeah, get back to me about the reason for the Europe trip & maybe I can give you a little better info on that! =)

[Lizzyb6938]

He's going to Europe for a month and a bit. His parents paid for the flights as his twenty first present like they did with his sister. He got the option of either that or a big party. He's got two mates going and they're going to London, Italy etc. So it's for a holiday. That's the reason why I kept trying to leave him, I was really apprehensive about his trip because I knew he would be partying alot and meeting lots of girls etc. He always reassured me that he wasn't interested and he'd be a wing man for his friends. He even told me last week that he'e be coming home from Europe telling me that he'd gotten really drunk and had been using his beating stick to bash away the girls. I think him going away really effected me and so I think I kept pushing him away, threatening to leave because this trip has been at the back of my mind.

 

Yeah I agree he says he feels terrible because he's been really stressed and has been a terrible boyfriend since the start of October and then he's going away. I think he though I would leave him during this time because he's basically had so much on and he's been unable to give me much time. He's definately gone into self defence mode. That's what he told me he was doing anyways.

 

I really think no contact in Europe would be best. I don't really want to be worrying and thinking about what he's doing and whether he's going to message me. He probably doesn't really want that pressure anyways to check up on his girlfriend the whole time. But my mum reckons that he would get the wrong idea from that and think I was pushing him away again. But all I'm really trying to do is just to protect my sanity.

 

I just keep thinking how stupid this all is. I'm so confused, he's so confused and I think this has all made us both more confused. But he asked for it. But then there are so many factors to it, like me trying to leave and him backing away for self defence. You had done nothing wrong in your relationship, I did alot of damage. I feel like right now were both at a stalemate. I'm not contacting him because he asked for the break. He might be reluctant to contact me now because he thinks I'm having an absolute ball and really don't care and am possibly calling other guys. But i said 'miss you' at the end of the message so I'm just going to leave this now. Really I don't think a break has provided either of us with any clarity. I just think it's made us that much confused and scared and insane. But again he wanted it. God it's just seemed to get so complicated and we've never been complicated.

[Lizzyb6938]

Well we broke up. Lol. we spoke tonight on the phone and I asked how hes been etc. then we started talking about us and he said that he's really scared about medicine next year, it's alot of work, he starts three weeks after he gets back and he's not going to have time for anything. I said I understand. He said one day I'll think it's all going to be fine, what am I doing? and then the next I think how am I going to be able to give her what she deserves? So i said well then I'm going to let you be free.

 

He said he's sorry he's being selfish. I said it's alright. He said I'm the right person but the next year of his life is going to be hell. I said maybe it's just not our time, maybe this is the time for us to spread our wings and see the world, see everything we're supposed to. He said yeah see the world but not other people, because I'll be at home most nights looking at text books.

 

He's been on medicine forums and his sister does medicine etc and everyones saying how crap the first year is and how much of a struggle it is. I asked him if this was what he really wants and he said- some days yes, some days no so I said well I need to set you free just know that I'm really proud of you and that I love you. He said he loves me too. I put up a bit of a fight and said 'our relationship hasn't been complicated, we've had time together, time with friends, time by ourselves, time with one anothers friends, it's always been just easy and he said 'Lizzy you don't understand i won't have time for any of that it will just be work and sleep, and tutoring.' So I said ok then well go then. I asked whether this would have happened without medicine and he said no.

 

A couple of weeks ago one of my friends explained to me that he understood what Matt was thinking. He said that it's almost like he sees this as a choice in his mind right now- medicine or Lizzy and I think that's really true. When he came over the other night and was crying so hard he told me he got into medicine and I was so excited I was jumping up and down and he said 'Well I haven't accepted yet' and I said 'what are you talking about' and he said well I've just been thinking how hard it will be on us, how much time and dedication it's going to take. Also that night he kept saying - I wish we were 25, I wish we were 25 but I'm so glad that I met you now. I said to him, well is this the end and he said no it's not goodbye, I really want it to be just a see you later and I said yeah if it's meant to be. The funny thing is when he came over last time I suggested maybe a year break to get our lives sorted and he said no I don't want that, two months would be fine.

 

He's coming over Monday to talk about it all and then I guess I'm going to have to let him go. I read somewhere that to love is to let go. To love when it means putting on hold someones dreams, goals, life is not really to love. Because love is selfless.I think that's what I'm going to say to him. I love him with all my heart and always will so that why I'm letting him go. I've always thought that maybe some time apart for ourselves, to discover what we want, to see the world might be good. In fact 6 months ago I said to him my ideal situation would be for us to break up for a year, do everything we need to do and come back together knowing and appreciating what we have. I know in my heart that this is how it's meant to be for now. I really honestly believe that this is what was supposed to happen. I'm not going to wait around for him but he will be the love that I will compare everything to, he will be the love that I will think of for years to come and I know in my heart that he'll be the same.

 

I just miss his smile already. It brightened up my day, my life. He said he misses me already- my smile too, my everything. I think Monday's going to be a really tough day but I know that it's what I need to do because I love him so much that I need to let him be free.

[Danielle46]

Hey again,

 

Well it's unfortunate to hear that it's come down to complete break up but I think the position you're taking is the right one! You never know how long this will last anyway...it may be a while or it may not, but you won't really know until you give it a real try.

 

Medicine can be VERY complicated but Im definitely proud of you for being so strong and supportive of him throughout this...that is something he will truly, completely appreciate in you. Support is everything he needs right now & when he sees that you can be strong for him and be his strength when he's feeling vulnerable or weak, he will fall for you even more!

 

It is going to be difficult to learn to move on without him in your life...but I know you can do it! You never know what the future is going to bring you...this could end up being the absolute best thing for your relationship.

 

A couple of my parents friends actually broke up for over a year and ended up back together in the end...A short version of their story::: They had been dating for about a year (They lived in NY) and the boyfriend decided to open up his own pizzeria. Well since he became so engrossed in that, he had less time available for their relationship...Now keep in mind, they were only about 19/20ish around the time...so it wasn't like they were much older...the complication of going through this was the same...anyway, the g/f decided that b/c her b/f was soo busy with running the restaurant, they should just break up so he could focus on that...and so they did....she actually ended up moving away and they really didn't speak too much during the year or so they were apart.... Well somehow they got back in touch with one another & they decided to give their relationship another go...and it worked like a charm...they ended up getting married to one another & are now happier than ever...Mind you, they've been married now for over 20 years. So it's not like every break up, move away, or what have you, is ALWAYS definite.

 

There is hope...and hopefully down the road the two of you can be together in the end. If he is feeling really stressed about Med school and now the whole Europe trip, he may really need some time to just figure everything out...who knows...he may start Med school and realize that he does have enough time, or he may realize that either way he doesn't want to be w/o you.

 

You just never know...but in the meantime, go out & have fun...don't hold yourself back from doing what you love....I know you aren't ready to see anyone else as of yet and probably won't be ready for quite a while...but in the event that the break up lasts kind of a while, if you do meet someone, don't just kick them to the side for the "possibility" that you and him will be back together...b/c you can always try something & then if you decide it isn't working, or he comes back into the picture, it's not like your 100% commited to that person...I know it sounds mean, in a way lol, but you can't just NOT ever date someone again....but do give it ample time..which Im sure you will.

 

Best of luck & if you need to talk, ill still be checking on here for your posts & will be more than willing to talk to you or help you in whatever way I can =). I know you can make it through this so just keep on going!!

[Lizzyb6938]

No i'm not going to stop. If i meet someone I'm not going to say no because i still love matt. but you're right i'm not really ready to date for a while. A few of my friends have said why didn't you fight and I've just said sometimes it's best to let go. I know i've made the right choice. It's going to be really hard but somehow I know this was meant to happen. his friends have been messaging me today- the girls in his group, saying 'lizzy i'm so sorry, i never saw this coming at all, come out with us this weekend.' So i think i might. He won't be there it's just the girls. The good thing about us was that we always had the best time with all of our friends, it was wonderful.

 

I'm trying to stay strong and I really haven't even cried about it yet. I think on Monday when I see him it will really hit me. This is just so heartbreaking because we both love one another but maybe this is just how its meant to be. I still struggle to see myself with someone else but I know in time I'll be able to. I actually wrote him another letter about a week ago saying maybe I need to set you free- I've definately though on many occasions that it was the best thing to do. I think I might give that to him. It just basically says I love you and this is the hardest things I've ever had to do but I need to set you free. You've been the love I never though I would find and I don't know how I'm going to get through without seeing your face smiling at me. Thank you for being my best friend and my everything. It's because I love you that I'm letting you because love is selfless. It doesn't restrict, it knows when leaving is best for that person. This is truely heartbreaking but I think it's how it's meant to be.

 

Funny thing is I spoke to my neighbour about it yesterday and she told me that she and her husband started dating at eighteen and had breaks/ split up many times, dated other people, but always ended up finding one another. She said don't give up. You;re so young which makes it hard but these things happen- I'm sure it will be the same for you and alot of our friends did the same thing. I know I can't go on living with the certainty that he'll be back but somehow I don't really think its the end and neither does he. We've just both got some living to do, figuring out to do, growing up to do. I'm not going to put my life on hold but I think there is a plan and that this was meant to happen. To be honest if this hadn't happened I would have suggested a year off in like a year or two anyways because I thought that might be a good idea.

[Danielle46]

Yeah..it could be one of those "right person, wrong time" type of ordeals. Which is always super difficult to cope with, because you know that person is everything you want, they just cant be there right now. And we always want, what we want, now!

 

Maybe you guys can take this time & just really do some hard core maturing on your own...it will also put your relationship to the test, in a way, to see if it's everything you think it is...which it most likely is, but this will give it complete clarification.

 

I mean, one good aspect of him going away is that you won't be stressed with the idea of running into him somewhere & having a situation like that to deal with. I know when my b/f and I were on our "break" or w/e...everytime I saw a truck like his, I THOUGHT it was him...it was really hard being constantly reminded by things...& I also realized that a lot of my material type goods that I have were also from him...so it was like every corner I turned, I had this reminder of him, and of us. So in a way, it's to your advantage that he'll be distant so you won't have consistent "OMG moments" where you think you saw him, or whatever.

 

He really is very stressed right now & I can relate in ways to how difficult doing anything related to medicine or biology in general can be very hard on someone. But it is a wonderful thing, and yes you should be proud, that he has much such a solid effort to do something great with his life. There are tons of guys out there who just don't give a crap & they don't even bother with an education or anything...it's nice & refreshing to know when you have someone who really cares about bettering themselves.

 

Im really proud of you thought that you're handling this so well. Like you said, it will probably hit you when you see him, but I can tell that you have a good head on your shoulders and that you will be able to pull yourself back together even afterward.

 

You could just think of this as being the year off that you have liked to have a little later on. It just happened to come sooner than you expected which makes it all the more difficult. But, also just like you said, this was meant to happen...and whatever is meant to happen after, will.

 

Im truly a firm believer in the saying "everything happens for a reason"...because it couldn't be more true! Im sure there's a plan in place for the two of you & you just have to reach that point...if your love is strong enough to keep you together, even with a break, then it will.

 

At least you have a lot of people close to you that can be your support during this time, that's always super helpful! I wish I could be of more help lol, but obviously, the best I can offer is just a little support via this forum!

 

I know its comforting though to have someone to speak to that shared a common situation...that's what first got me on here, I was just searching for some help, or some answers to my questions...I didn't get the best of help b/c a lot of people were just being negative & passing judgement without really knowing my situation well enough to speak, however I did get some helpful advice as well...so I hope that I've been of some assistance to you & also hopefully I haven't been judgemental or assumed too much! lol...

 

Overall, you seem like a really decent person with a great sense of who you are & what you want out of life...so Im sure that no matter what happens, you will end up on top! =)

[Lizzyb6938]

Well it's been a interesting day. He wrote me a message saying 'hey lizzy/ pumpkin. can I still call you that? Hope work was good this morning and that all is well :-)' I wrote back saying 'hey, work was not too bad. all is well :-) have a good weekend, see you monday (because he is coming over on Monday to talk about it all).' I didn't even mention the pumpkin thing coz I really didn't feel like it. then he wrote back saying 'hehe glad work was good. I'm having a really quiet weekend at the moment. I'll see you then :-)' I only just checked my facebook and he wrote me a message saying 'I can't change what i've done to us. I'm really sorry' at like 1am this morning. argghhh it's enfuriating.

 

I really think when he comes over I am going to say no contact for a while because this is just simply ridiculous and has really put me off my whole empowerment whatever will be will be thing. Ah god monday will be hard. Thing is I know he's going to falter and say like I love you and I want to be with you I'm just so confused and I'm just gonna say well no babe because it's like you said you don't want to half ass us and that would be half assing us. Being together while you're still thinking these things would be half assing us. This is how it has to be right now coz I don't ever want you to be with me asking yourself all these questions and thinking all these things while your with me because that would be a diservice to both ourselves and the amazing thing that we've had.

[Danielle46]

I completely agree with you!

 

There isn't any point in being a relationship where one of you is constantly second guessing it. To just go about your own lives for now will really give each of you a sense of where you truly want this relationship to go.

 

I can tell you that, just like my b/f, he doesn't want to be with you & not be able to provide all that he could before...which completely feeds into the half assing of the relationship. Men, for some reason, need to feel that they can solely provide for you and when they cannot reach that with full potential, they tend to cave in under such pressure (which is again, exactly what my b/f did)...however given some time, they do think about everything & make a decision on what's truly best.

 

He obviously still loves you with all his heart..& the fact that he had a quiet weekend at home, means that he has had at least some sort of opportunity to think about everything.

 

Monday will be hard....because both of you are just going to want to dive into each other's arms and pretend like nothing ever happened, but keep in mind, doing so will not solve anything. Its apparent that he really needs some time & space to sort everything out in his hectic life. He's got a lot on his plate right now, many of which are aspects of his life that he cannot change (education...etc), but YOU are the one part of his life that he CAN change (just like how I was to my b/f)...and so he feels you would be understanding enough to help him through this...and sometimes that method of "helping" is by just stepping back & letting everything take its course.

 

It will be very difficult to say goodbye to him on Monday but I honestly do not believe that will be the last time you see/talk to him. Try your very best to be strong when you see him on Monday. He is feeling weak & vulnerable right now, and in addition confused...and although you are too, he is looking for you to be that strong part of him that he cannot right now. Fight the tears as much as you can, let him know you can make it on your own (show your inner strength)..he knows already how upsetting this is for you, but if you can be strong for him, he will appreciate that much more than an explosive array of tears.

 

Dont get me wrong, it's okay to tear up & cry a little, just don't overdo it and become so hysterical and out of control that all he wants to do is leave the situation b/c it's only stressing him out more. He probably wants to be able to come to you and have you NOT be a source of stress.....but if you act in such a way, it will only add more stress to him & he may end up backing down from it all.

 

^ That is how I handled my situation...I was strong for him when we spoke in person about it, and yes I did tear up/ cry a little but for the most part I remained strong, actually..he was more upset than I was (externally anyway, b/c I held back)...and he told me straight out that he appreciated the way I was handling everything b/c he needed me to be strong right now. I also told him constantly how proud I was of him and how I would always be there for him regardless.

 

If you show your strong, he will love you even more! Men love strong women! And I know you can be strong! He will see that aspect of you & appreciate you even more than ever before!