With an engaged man... but fiancee just found out!

[Stardust628]

I'm lost... completely and utterly lost. I'll start form the beginning as this is a terribly complicated situation. I'd appreciate any feedback you might have.

 

I met a man, Joe, who I was instantly attracted to - he has a wonderful personality and we meshed so well that feelings were inevitable. I found out from a friend that he was engaged, so I decided to take a step back and tell myself that he was unavailable. A group of us were at dinner one night and then a few of us decided to go out and play pool afterwards. Joe offered to drive me because I didn't know where I was going. We had a great time talking - I found out we had much in common and the conversation never stopped. I started to think he'd make a great friend. Later that night, after bringing me back to my car, he kissed me. I immediately backed off asking him if he knew was he was doing. He replied with a "yes, I do... and I want to do this". I figured that I was the more innocent one. HE was engaged, it was his decision. We made out in his car for two hours that night. A few nights later, at a party, we'd both been drinking and ended up in the back of his SUV - where we slept together for the first time.

 

Life was wonderful. The feelings that were developing were amazing. I hadn't felt that way for anyone in about two years. At times, I forgot that he was engaged... it was just us when we were together.

 

Time went on and we started to see eachother several times a week. Out dining, playing pool, or just relaxing. The more time we spent, the deeper our feelings grew.

 

I went on vacation just a week ago and picked him up a little something. This past Thursday I met him at his house to drop it off and watch some TV. We talked about life, about nothing, and about us. He said that had he met me before his her (his fiancee), there would have been no her.

 

I ended up staying the night. It turned out to be a night more magical then I'd ever imagined. I've had a few serious relationships, but I've never had the opportunity to actually SLEEP with that person. To fall asleep in Joe's embrace and wake up to see him just watching me was incredible. The night before he'd been asking me questions; how I was feeling; what made him so right for me... etc. I had trouble wording it, so when I got home on Fridya afternoon, I decided to write down how I was feeling (with no intentions of giving him the letter). However, it turned out to be a fantastic letter, honest and true - and not at all inappropriate or "mushy". I was embarrassed to give it to him face-to-face, and I couldn't recall his mailing address, so I went to his house and left it in his mailbox.

 

I got a phone call yesterday from him saying that his fiancee found and read the letter. At first he had thought I planted the letter for her to find. After I convinced him that that was not the case, it was simply silence, except for my crying. I didn't know what to do or say... and then, he ended it. He told me I couldn't call his house, cell, or see him for a while. Then, he told me "good luck in school" and to have a good year. I told him that I felt I should say "have a nice life and thanks for everything". He ended it. He ended everything we had. And what kills me is that he sounded so calm while talking to me. He kept telling me not to worry and that it wasn't my problem anymore.

 

We didn't even get to discuss anything. There was no arguement, no discussion... only an end. And I have no closure. Here's a man that I was falling for and I'm supposed to just ignore and foget my feelings? A close friend of mine, who knows how real the emotions were in our relationship, said to just sit tight and wait it out. She said he's just trying to save his ass right now... and that there's nothing I can do except wait. She also said that she'd be terribly surprised if I didn't hear from him eventually.

 

I don't know what to do. I want to talk to him and find out what's going on. All I know is that she found it and read it... but the letter dealt more with my feelings, so he could easily get off the hook by saying I had a crush and it was more me than him.

 

I feel empty... and hurt... and yet I know I'm going to miss him. Has anyone ever been in a situation like this?? I need some opinions... or advice... anything that you might find helpful. I literally don't know what to think or feel...

 

Thanks,

Susan

[Annex]

good job leaving a love letter in a dudes mailbox who has a fiance and have the possibility of her getting ahold of it

 

you had to know there was that risk.. so what you do? you left it in the mailbox

 

not too bright......

[baycityroller]

How on earth could you respect a guy enough to sleep with him and spend time with him, when he's got a FIANCEE--someone he's openly committed to wanting to spend the rest of his life with? It didn't dawn on you that he was betraying some poor innocent gal (his fiancee) who likely trusted that he was being true to her?

 

What did you ever hope to gain from getting involved with a cheater?

 

I will never, for the life of me, understand why people cross over the boundaries of right and wrong; such obvious ones as in this case, and hook up with, and have affairs, with those who are unavailable.

 

I feel badly only for his fiancee; imagine how devastated she was, not only to read your letter, but to be hit in the face that her fiance was a cheating scoundrel. Naturally he's ended "things" with you, so calmly and matter of factly---he's likely lying his face off to her, denying you were ever anything to him and that maybe you were some psycho who was obsessed with him.

 

Just let this turkey go and next time, keep your pants on and stay away from those who are not available.

[Stardust628]

Ok, now, I came to this forum for perhaps some words from people who, too, have been "the other woman/man". Hence the title of this message board. I didn't come here to hear things that I already know or can (and have) be (been) told by my close friends.

Do either of you think that I don't know that what I was doing was wrong? I was the one to stop everything we were doing... I was the one reminding him that he was engaged. I was the one who took a step back and backed off.

But, ya know what? NO one can control their feelings. You can't help who you meet, you can't help who you despise, and you can't help what your heart feels. And, in this case, my heart and my emotions led me to do things that I regret. But, although I regret them, I understand that I made choices and my actions had consequences, and I'm trying to deal with that.

Do you think I don't sit here re-reading the letter trying to imagine how it must've felt for her to read it? Do you think I'm glad I hurt her? It's killing me... because I hurt someone I don't know. I hurt someone for my own pleasure... and I'm NOT that kind of person.

I don't appreciate your words. I KNOW I've done something terribly wrong; something that I would normally never consider doing. And I'm hurting for it now.

If you've never been "the other woman/man", don't bother posting here. Let "us people" have eachother... let us help each other.

We're all human. We all make mistakes. But it's not fair that you're criticizing me, without ever having been in my position.

[Annex]

you had to know the consequences of what would have happened when you stuck that letter in the mailbox with the chances of her getting that letter before him.. don't sit there and try to play ms. innocent

[EnigmaXOXO]

Stardust,

 

I'm genuinely sorry that you have been hurt. Unfortunately, we are often the victims of our own poor judgment. Hopefully a valuable lesson has been learned, and you won't be likely to repeat the mistake again.

 

You can't undo what has been done, but perhaps you can use this experience to help others avoid the same situation. We have many who come to this forum to actually ask: "should I have an affair?" Like you, they are trying to find reasons to justify the risk. It might be nice for them to hear from someone like you that situations like this seldom have the happy "story book" ending they are hoping for...

[EnigmaXOXO]

Just a hypothetical question...

 

Many people volunteer their valuable time on this forum in the hope that they can actually help people in difficult situations. Sometimes, help comes from sharing personal stories and other times its the in-your-face hard line approach.

 

Then there are those occasions, like yours, when we don't hear from someone until it is already too late and there is nothing left to be said except "you should have known better." I don't think it's anyone's intentions to be outright mean, but "driving home the point" is often the only thing left to do for those others who may be reading your post because they are similar situations.

 

While its often disheartening that we can't save everyone from shooting themselves in the foot, we continue to try no less. Hindsight is 20/20, I suppose?

 

But out of curiosity, I was just wondering...

 

If you had found this forum BEFORE getting too involved with this man, and the many regulars here cautioned you NOT to continue the affair, do you think you would have ignored the advice and followed your heart anyway?

[Stardust628]

To be perfectly honest, I don't know how to answer your question. Had I found this website during the actual situation, yes, I may have followed the advice given to me... but, I honestly can't say. I haven't had a serious relationship in over a year and the feelings that I was experiencing were, not more intense, but definetely more real and much more sincere this time around, with this engaged man. In this case, I feel that in a way, I was right in following my heart. I don't think the cheating was right, but I think that had I not followed my heart I would've regretted it in the long run.

 

And... in hope of some advice from someone who's experienced this before... why is it hurting so much? It's a mix between pain, anger, regret... heartbreak... and devastation. The entire situation is out of my control, but I'm dying to just know what's happening between them. Despite what I did, I care for him immensely and would give anything to simply be back in his arms.

::sigh::

[EnigmaXOXO]

I don't think the cheating was right, but I think that had I not followed my heart I would've regretted it in the long run

.

 

What would you have regretted? The few stolen moments you got to spend with him?---All the hurt, anger, pain and confusion it eventually cost you?---or would it have just been the "not knowing?"

 

 

The entire situation is out of my control

 

Quite the contrary! You have ALWAYS been in control (of yourself and your situation) since the very beginning...and still are. The only thing you are not in control of is the actions and behaviors of someone else. You did not loose your sanity during this time, nor your sense of judgment. Rather, you made a deliberate choice to abandon self-preservation for immediate physical and emotional gratification. Understandable.

 

However, you can not abandon ownership of it or deny accountability --- And I am not just speaking of the affair. You have already acknowledged responsibility for that. Rather, you must also take ownership of all those awful emotions you are struggling to work through now. You manifested them yourself and they are a byproduct of your own denial. "Wishing" things would have turned out different, and "wondering" what is going on with this man and his fiance, is NOT going to help you move past the pain, hurt, anger and confusion.

 

EMBRACE all those terrible things you are feeling now, and be thankful, for it means you still have a conscience and are indeed a member of the human race. Once you have accepted them...claimed ownership of it...you will be able to turn this negative experience into a positive life lesson that will make you a much stronger and wiser person in the future.

[Stardust628]

Enigma...

You're so incredibly right on that it kills me. Every single thing you've said makes perfect sense. It's just so much harder to realize that right now - when I want so badly to find out how the situation is going.

 

When I was in church yesterday, I found myself crying as I asked for forgiveness. I found myself hoping they're able to work things out, and above all, I prayed that I would heal soon and learn from this. I think right now, all I can do is wait and slowly move on.

 

Thanks for your concern and your incredible way of making me feel... alright, in this tough time. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate your help - even your attention to my situation makes me feel less alone.

[EnigmaXOXO]

More importantly, you should seek "forgiveness" from the person you have hurt the most --- Yourself.

 

When you have finally done this, you will no longer feel like a victim, but rather a survivor.

 

There is always an opportunity to turn our lives around and create hope out of despair. It's just a simple matter of changing our perspectives.

 

And above all, be kind to yourself!

[HokeyReligions]

There is another thread about cheating on this board - go back and read those posts and replies.

 

Something you said about Not being able to control your feelings - that's just a cheap way to pass blame. Back in my day there was a TV show called Laugh In. Flip Wilson created a character that did some terrible things and his pat answer was The Devil Made Me Do It to get out of taking the consequences for his actions. I see so many cheaters say the same thing just with different words.

 

You are hurting - good, learn from it.

 

After reading your initial post the guy sounds like a scumbag who deliberatly used you. He doesn't care about your feelings - never has. He got what he wanted - sex. I wonder how many others there are, or have been? I doubt if you are the first or will be the last.

 

Maybe if you can get the fact that you were used and that you let yourself be used and you are responsible for yourself, through your head and heart, you will make better decisions the next time.

[Hopeless Romantica]

Stardust: I have never been in your shoes. In fact, I am new to this forum. I had a situation somewhat similar to your, excep that "my guy" is married, but it's very new and no one has found out what happened between us. But in your cace, what's done is done. He called off things between you two to save his ass. This obviously means that he wants to patch things up w/his fiance.

 

I always say, "If it's mean to be, it'll happen." He still has the opportunity to choose between you and his fiance b/c he's not married yet. But if he chooses his fiance, meaning to continue w/marrying her, I would back off. You have to respect his decision. It'll be hard b/c you still want him. And if you're anything like me or most of us, you'll want him regardless if he is back w/his fiance. But be strong. Don't let him back into your life if he is going to get married. He'll just be using you.

 

Men are, by nature, conquerors. They'll try to get what they want. Now if he breaks off the engagement w/his fiance, wait and see if he'll come to you.

 

Remember, if it's meant to be, it'll happen. Good luck!

[moimeme]

I wouldn't take him back even if he does dump his fiancee. He cheated on her and he'll do the same on you. You should wash him out of your life and move on.

[Stardust628]

Hopeless Romantic -

I wanted to thank you for your post, and update Enigma as to how things were going.

It's been just over two weeks now and I'm still missing him. Not as much as I was, but he pops into my head at times when I'm least expecting it - and I'm feeling so many different emotions that it's crazy. I miss him, I miss spending time with him, I miss hearing his voice, I miss him making me laugh, I miss HIM... But I get angry, I still get hurt, and I get very wistful. I get annoyed and I get confused. I can't help wondering how things are going for him right now. If he thinks of me at all.. or if he's just blocked me out of his mind. I want to know if they managed to work things out... I want to know if he told her the truth of what went on between us... or if he lied to save his ass. (I'm guessing the latter.)

We met working on a show - we're both singers - and I just recently got cast in another production... one that he had helped me prepare to audition for. When I found out I was cast, he was the first person I wanted to tell. As the date of our opening night comes closer, I think I may look up his address and mail a flyer to him. I'd like him to come and see the show... even if I don't know he's there.

Most of all, I feel empty. I literally feel like I tiny little piece of me is missing... I've never felt so alone - solitude takes up a whole other meaning when you're falling in love and then it ends.

Thank you all for replying... I appreciate it. Please feel free to post back or private mail me... especially if you've been in a situation like this before. It helps me to talk about my feelings... I'd love to help someone just by listening.

[moimeme]

I think I may look up his address and mail a flyer to him

 

Don't kid yourself. You want him to see you in the show and fall for you again. Do not do this. You've already caused trouble by mail once.

 

You are in withdrawal - it's like withdrawal from drugs. You have to abstain completely for a couple of months for the addiction to subside. It will. We've all been there.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Here is an excellent opportunity to prove to yourself you can avoid making the same mistake twice!

 

Sending him the flyer will turn out no differently then the letter you sent. As a matter of fact, a second rejection may only add to your pain and confusion. Don't do that to yourself!

 

Getting over an addiction to a person and/or relationship is just like quitting anything else. It will require self control and will power. If one wants to quit smoking, lighting just one more cigarette will only undue all the progress you've made and once you relapse, you'll have to start all over again. And each time it only gets harder and harder.

 

Focus on the production so that you can make sure you are at your best. Do not invite distraction!