glitteronthehighway Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 I met this guy a year ago and we have developed the most incredible friendship. I call him my soul-friend because we're so in sync with one another's thoughts and humor and perspectives. I have more fun just doing the most mundane thing with him than I have doing pretty much anything. And I never, ever, ever thought I would like him as anything but a friend so much to where it's difficult for me to admit to any of my friends what's going on in my head. But very recently--as in the past week-- I've been thinking about him a LOT. I can't figure out if I'm trying to displace my affections for another guy that I need to get over onto my friend, or if I'm just craving any companionship, or if I'm coming to my senses and realizing that this person might actually be perfect for me. The thing is, we aren't physical at all. We never have been. We hug each other, but there's none of that flirty stuff. And I can't imagine being physical with him. The feelings that I have for him as a friend are so intense it's like they're spilling over into what I could be confusing with a romantic thingg? I've never fallen for a friend--my past dating experiences have been very fleeting & limerence-based, so I'm not sure if sexual chemistry can develop from a deep friendship-founded love. He's an attractive guy and I have found myself more attracted to him as time has gone by, but I still cant imagine like, kissing him. Can that change? Also, there is a dark period in our friendship that I'm so ashamed of. Towards the beginning, I thought he liked me and got weirded out and I cut him out of my life for about a month before I came to my senses. He still brings it up as one of the more painful times of the past few years. I'm not sure if that's relevant, but I thought I'd add it... I would really appreciate any insight into this. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 I can't figure out if I'm trying to displace my affections for another guy that I need to get over onto my friend, or if I'm just craving any companionship, or if I'm coming to my senses and realizing that this person might actually be perfect for me.Then don't say or do anything until you know. Otherwise, you're likely to ruin this friendship if you aren't really attracted to him, and are just using him as a substitute for what you don't have with this guy you aren't over yet, or because you're lonely. You don't want to end up dating him for a bit, get over the feelings you have for the other guy, and then start falling for some third guy you haven't met yet and realize that your friend was just a transition guy to you. Wait until you are over the other guy and then see how you feel about your friend. If you still have feelings at that point, start touching him a little on his arm or hand and see how that feels. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 I'd say a good strong friendship is more important than romance, anyday. I agree with Norajane: Then don't say or do anything until you know. Otherwise, you're likely to ruin this friendship if you aren't really attracted to him, and are just using him as a substitute for what you don't have with this guy you aren't over yet, or because you're lonely. You don't want to end up dating him for a bit, get over the feelings you have for the other guy, and then start falling for some third guy you haven't met yet and realize that your friend was just a transition guy to you. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Towards the beginning, I thought he liked me and got weirded out and I cut him out of my life for about a month before I came to my senses. He still brings it up as one of the more painful times of the past few years. Very relevant, especially the last sentence. Tread carefully. Trust me Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 I'd say a good strong friendship is more important than romance, anyday. I agree with Norajane: Waiting also gives their relationship, if there is to be one, a better chance of succeeding. If you aren't sure what you're feeling for him and about him, then the timing isn't right. You're just starting to see him in a different light, and it feels strange because it's unexpected and you're not all there yet. Give it time and see if it develops into a real interest that you want to explore, after you're over the other guy. Falling in love with a close friend can be a wonderful love relationship, but you both have to be 'all in' in order for it to be the right time to start that. For something like that, you want to start off on the right foot. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 He still brings it up as one of the more painful times of the past few years. It's way past time that he got over that -- what is his purpose for still bringing it up, now that your friendship has been solid for about 10 months? (I'd ask him about his motives, the next time he mentions it. Does he want you to feel guilty? Does he like having something to "hold over" you? Does he use it to get his own way? Does he need therapy to get over it?) At that time (the start of you two getting to know each other), you acted appropriately for your own needs and feelings -- a genuine, true friend would actually understand that, and appreciate you for it. If you "can't imagine being physical with him" then, to my mind, that is an indication that it's highly possible that you are correct in suspecting that you're redirecting/projecting one or more of your 'romantic relationship' needs onto him -- as you say, perhaps to help you get over the other guy. Hang tight, as norajane suggested -- and wait to see if these feelings dissipate over the next month or two, or grow stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
Limin Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Simple, be honest with yourself and the people around you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author glitteronthehighway Posted November 2, 2008 Author Share Posted November 2, 2008 It's true. I need to wait it out. Last night we drank quite a bit and were galavanting around town for Halloween and I was in a dress, it was pretty cold outside, and I know that during parts of the walk we had our arms around each other...which has never, ever occurred before. But it wasn't too far of a step out of the friend realm, and we weren't alone. I've sensed a change, but it IS too soon to sort it out and I guess I could have told myself that. Thanks for responses! Link to post Share on other sites
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