hardluckloser Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Does she care? At all? We were only married four months when she left. No reason given or explanation, except one week later she said she wasn't happy. I sent her flowers after a week of NC, yes I was weak and didn't have this forum to know the NC RULE. We are young, she is not yet out of college. She called the florist to see who the flowers were from, the card said I love you, who else are they from? My friend thinks he saw her out with a lawyer from her work. Why can't she tell me why she left? Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Does she care? At all? We were only married four months when she left. No reason given or explanation, except one week later she said she wasn't happy. I sent her flowers after a week of NC, yes I was weak and didn't have this forum to know the NC RULE. We are young, she is not yet out of college. She called the florist to see who the flowers were from, the card said I love you, who else are they from? My friend thinks he saw her out with a lawyer from her work. Why can't she tell me why she left? She doesnt want to tell you why she left because then she would look like an ass, and would feel guilty. Plus, then you'll probably tell other people (if its something like she was cheating/found someone else) and she'll look like a scandalous b***h to everyone. It's easier to give a lame reason like "Im not happy" (which by the way, is the exact same reason I got from my ex) because then she can just hide behind that and not feel obligated to tell you anything else. Remember, when people decide to break up, they feel like that obsolves them from ever having to tell the person they dumped anything else. They are no longer obligated to tell you anything, they dont owe it to you anymore. And really...it doesnt matter why she left. She left, she didnt want to be with you anymore, her loss...thats gotta be the end of the story from your standpoint. You'll never get answers to any other questions that you're going to be happy with, so dont kill yourself trying to fill in the blanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hardluckloser Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 Thx. If we weren't married it would be easier, im just concerned what comes next and how to handle that. How can I find out if there is someone else, or do I not want to know? Will it help me if she files for divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Dude...if it happened THIS early in the marriage...file for an annullment and consider yourself very, very lucky that this happened now, and not down the road when there are kids involved. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Dude...if it happened THIS early in the marriage...file for an annullment and consider yourself very, very lucky that this happened now, and not down the road when there are kids involved. Exactly! Its hard to see the silver lining now, but you actually lucked out. YOU need to file for divorce. If she's not happy, then you two dont need to waste anymore time. Shes never going to give you the truth about what shes doing, so trying to talk about it is pointless. And no, you probably dont want to know anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hardluckloser Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 do I call, and say anything? Her name is on the lease and utilities, should I say we're married, and whether or not you decide its over we need to discuss a few things so we can both carry on with our lives, or is that what she wants. Do I ignore her for a while? Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 do I call, and say anything? Her name is on the lease and utilities, should I say we're married, and whether or not you decide its over we need to discuss a few things so we can both carry on with our lives, or is that what she wants. Do I ignore her for a while? Take her name off the lease (I did it when my ex left me) and all the utilities, file for divorce, have her served with the papers. That way, YOU can carry on with your life and you dont really have to say anything to her. ACTIONS my friend, they speak way more than words. If you call her and tell her that, shes going to think youre being a sourpuss and trying to manipulate her into coming back. If she doesnt hear from you until she gets served divorce papers, she'll know immediately that youre not some chump and arent going to stand for this nonsense. And then, you'll be free from all this... Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Bird Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Stop looking for excuses to contact her. BCCA and Owl have given you good advice in that YOU should divorce her. Don't contact her for anything, put the utlities in your name, go have her removed from your lease, hire an attorney, file for divorce and start getting YOUR life back. It hurts now but you will be thankful that you found out early instead of years later when more is invested and children are involved. Heck, go read a couple other thread in this section to see that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hardluckloser Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 I am trying to figure out what to do. I'd like to take her name off the lease but she owes 4 months, if she gets out by me taking it over she wont have that and I cant afford the divorce filing right now. Nor the pay for the apartment alone. I know money is tough right now but is she just waiting because she doesnt have the money either or because she has doubts? I don't want the divorce or annulment but think it may be best, yet cant afford to file or I will be homeless. Do you think she stayed in state instead of moving home because she couldn't afford it, or because the other guy, or might be thinking of us down the line? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hardluckloser Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 Do I take the high road and just take her off the lease, and eat the financial responsibility, or be a dick and make her take some responsibility. She has yet to take any in our 5 months. 1. I wish I knew why she left of what I did. 2. I wish I knew why she is staying in this state that made her so miserable after leaving home. 3. Is this other guy real, or not? Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 does your state allow do it yourself divorces? Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Bird Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Does she owe you 4 months rent or your landlord 4 months rent? If she owes you, write it off and don't count on ever getting paid back, consider it a hard lesson learned. If it's the landlord, you can discuss it with him/her when you go to have her removed. I would suggest to him/her that they go after her for non-payment. Find an attorney that accepts or offers a payment plan. You can get a second job to make the payments and it will help occupy your time. Ask around for room mates to share rent or look at moving to a more affordable place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hardluckloser Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 we married in her home state and live in another, I don't have residency in either. We have do it yourself, but it is still over a $1000. I know we all try to hold on to loved ones too long, and yes I want to know for sure that its over, by me taking her off the lease and utilities and doing what she wants is that being weak as well? Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Bird Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 ...And really...it doesnt matter why she left. She left, she didnt want to be with you anymore, her loss...thats gotta be the end of the story from your standpoint. You'll never get answers to any other questions that you're going to be happy with, so dont kill yourself trying to fill in the blanks. This nails it. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Do I take the high road and just take her off the lease, and eat the financial responsibility, or be a dick and make her take some responsibility. She has yet to take any in our 5 months. Thats really up to you. Me, I would take the high road - but expect to walk it alone. It's almost worth it financially to avoid being dragged through the mud emotionally. To each thier own, though, so decide whats best for you. DO NOT make any decisions based on any notions of getting back together. That ship sailed. 1. I wish I knew why she left of what I did. She left because she wasnt interested in making an effort to keep you around. It got to the point that her desire to be selfish completely overpowered any sympathy and compasion she had for you. You probably didnt do anything. 2. I wish I knew why she is staying in this state that made her so miserable after leaving home. Two words: WHO CARES! Thats her problem, and youll never know. Dont make her life/problems/situations any of your responsibility anymore. She doesnt want to be there for you, so let her sort herself out. You just worry about you from here on out. 3. Is this other guy real, or not? Same two words as before. I would be willing to bet he is real, but dont even bother trying to understand whats going on with her. Youre never going to get straight answers, and youre not going to want to hear about it anyway. I understand the financial problems, but perhaps you can figure something out in the meantime. Take care of things as you can, but dont ever feel the need to call and talk to her about anything. She doesnt even deserve to hear your voice any longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hardluckloser Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 You all rock. How can I send a private message to you guys? Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 You all rock. How can I send a private message to you guys? You might have to wait until youre an established member to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hardluckloser Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 Is it really this common for people just to walk away from commitment and marriage? Do alot of relationships end, with no conversations about it. We never argued or anything. Money was our only strain, guess it was bigger than I thought. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Is it really this common for people just to walk away from commitment and marriage? Do alot of relationships end, with no conversations about it. We never argued or anything. Money was our only strain, guess it was bigger than I thought. Its more common than you think. Think of it this way, she can be upfront and tell you the whole truth, risking you hating her for good and her feeling bad. Or, she can just BS you and never admit any fault. Both have the same end result, one doesnt automatically trigger a guilty feeling. I've never been married, but I've had my fair share of girls go MIA on me, or give me a cop out excuse and never call again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hardluckloser Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 they never come back do they? Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 they never come back do they? Here are some eye popping stats for you: 30% of couples do end up getting back together after a split, however, 10% of those end up staying together long term (longer than 1yr). Thats about a 3% chance...would you take those odds at the casino? Doubtful. Women almost never come back, and even if she did, you really want her back in your life? Trust me, this is how she is going to act over and over. Past behavior is a pretty good indicator of future behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hardluckloser Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 against my own better judgement, i still want a family with her. Our relationship was great when I had money and was doing well, once that was gone we struggled. Stayed home and did very little, the apartment never got finished, am I solely to blame for not providing or is it both our faults. I just have to let her go if thats what she wants and it seems that way huh? Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 against my own better judgement, i still want a family with her. Our relationship was great when I had money and was doing well, once that was gone we struggled. Stayed home and did very little, the apartment never got finished, am I solely to blame for not providing or is it both our faults. I just have to let her go if thats what she wants and it seems that way huh? Anyone who cant stick by you at your worst doesnt deserve you at your best. If she expected you to be the sole provider of the house, she should have made that clear. Everything in a relationship, good or bad, is both of your faults, just like fixing it is. It doesn't seem like she's really making any effort to keep you around at all. She'd pretty much doing the best she can to push you away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hardluckloser Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 Wouldn't it makes sense to atleast tell the person? Tell me its over, I want a divorce? All i got for three weeks was one sentence I'm not happy. Then yesterday the email after I sent flowers. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Wouldn't it makes sense to atleast tell the person? Tell me its over, I want a divorce? All i got for three weeks was one sentence I'm not happy. Then yesterday the email after I sent flowers. She doesn't want to be the bad guy. She just wants out of the situation. Both methods lead to the same thing, shes just taking the easy way out. Ideally, she wants you to pull the plug so that she can blame that on you. However, before you even consider the notion of letting this carry on to 'make it hard' for her, realize that youre NEVER going to get straight answers, and if this current behavior isnt enough, she'll keep pushing the envelope. Read over some of the posts in the 'second chances' forum about people not getting straight answers. Hardly anyone does. You have to look at YOUR best interests, which do not include being strung along and treated like a second class citizen. Link to post Share on other sites
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